Sunday, July 5, 2015

On My Mind: And Suddenly, a Dick (+ Links!)

I don't think I've ever let this particular cat out of its bag, but I work at a school. I actually work for two different companies doing two different jobs within the school. This means I work the entire school day until three in the afternoon then stay for three more hours, tutoring. I generally get home between 6:30 and 7:00, depending on what time the last parent shows up for their kid. When the school year is out, I work at the same school doing an academic summer program. This also goes all day, until five. I'm only telling you all this so that you understand how little time is left over for my own children. When they are in school, I don't get to be with them much, at all. It's a quick 'hey,' and join in on the dinner they've already started. After this, they either return to doing homework or start preparing for the next day (picking out tomorrow's outfit, shower, etc). Before you know it, they're off to bed. During the summer, they have less to do, so I can spend a bit more time with them. Still, there needs to be more. On top of this, in a house of five, it's difficult to have quality one-on-one time with any of them.

The one logical thing to do, at least I thought so, was to have "dates" with my kids, one at a time. I especially wanted to do this with my daughters. This past Friday, I started with my oldest daughter. She is fifteen and cringes at the thought of being seen in public with either myself or my wife, but I'm the dad and this is what I wanted. When she saw I wasn't backing off that point, she agreed. Since this was the first time we've done this in a really long while, I figured I wouldn't hit her with all the really awkward questions this time around. We would just take in a movie and go for some ice cream. I'd even let her pick the movie.

We went looking online to see what was playing since the big blockbuster movies that rule the summer bore her to tears. I tried to steer the ship in the direction of Dope. I really want to see it and I think she would enjoy it. She had seen the trailer and was going for it. Then she asked about the second-run theater. The one that shows movies that are months old, but only charges $2.25 a ticket. She really wanted to see a horror movie when none was playing at the new theaters except Insidious: Chapter 3, which didn't start until 10:00 PM. It was only two and we were leaving soon. Besides, when your date wants to go cheaper, you at least entertain the option. We looked up their website, and alas, no horror flicks. However, there was the Kevin Hart-Will Ferrell comedy Get Hard. Before she even said it, I knew that's what she wanted to see. Kevin Hart can do no wrong in her eyes. It's and R-rated movie, but I'm fairly liberal about what she watches so that didn't bother me too much. We've watched plenty of foul-mouthed films together. And we weren't going to see Magic Mike XXL. I do have some limits, or so I thought.

The movie was going along pretty much how I expected: dumb with a few funny parts along the way. It exploits racial stereotypes for its humor and is simultaneously homoerotic and homophobic. If you're unfamiliar, and since this will serve as my review even though it's not a review, I'll give a quick rundown on the plot. Will Ferrell plays an uber-rich executive at a financial company. He's made it way up the corporate ladder, and is about to marry the boss' daughter when he's arrested for fraud and embezzlement. He is found guilty and has thirty days to get his affairs in order before reporting to prison. Kevin Hart plays a guy who runs the small car-washing business that operates in the garage of the same office building where Ferrell works. Ferrell assumes Hart has been to prison before because he's black and hires Hart to teach him how to be tough for his upcoming bid. Sigh.

As I was saying, the movie was going along as expected. Ferrell trying to 'get hard' wasn't going so well. This was the basis of every joke. Hart has apparently given up hope and decides that the only way Ferrell will survive prison is to embrace being someone's bitch. The first step is learning how to give a blowjob. He takes Ferrell to a restaurant known as a gay hookup spot and tells him to offer oral sex to someone and then follow through with it. Ferrell makes someone an offer and goes off to the nearest restroom to perform the deed. As you might imagine, he's having some trouble actually doing it, much to the dismay of the guy he propositioned. The scene consisted of closeups of Ferrell's crying face as he was on his knees and of the other guy urging him to get on with it. Watching this with my daughter was uncomfortable, but nothing completely traumatizing. And then it was. As if the audience had no clue what Ferrell was having trouble with, or more likely just for shock value, we suddenly got a point-blank look at the dude's junk.

I can't be sure, but I think I literally died that instant. I may have only been dead for a second, but I'm pretty sure all life left my body right then and there.

When I came back to life, my fatherly instincts kicked in and I raised my hand to shield my daughter's eyes. In the millisecond it took for me to do this, the penis disappeared. Until the scene was over, my hand hovered near her face, just in case. She was simultaneously annoyed by me, yet still mortified by what just happened. She told me I could put my hand down. I couldn't. She also had her own hand near her eyes and was practically ducking every time there was a cut between the two guys. Thankfully, the scene ended and we were back to business as usual.

I did say I was fairly liberal about the movies she's allowed to watch, right? Here's the thing: whether or not you agree with that, matters not. However, even I have limits on what I'll let her see. And my limits don't always make a ton of sense, nor do they have to. For instance, if I had been sitting there with my son who is eighteen, I wouldn't have flinched, even back when he was fifteen. With my daughter, well, it's just different. Is this fair? Hell no! Do I care? Hell no! As a dad, I've embraced some chauvinistic ideals. My son should be out there trying to bed women. That's just what teenage boys do. The job of the teenage girl is simply to say no. My job, and her older brother's, in my absence, is to shield her from dick as long as possible. All of this is odd, seeing how I consider myself something of a feminist, but it is what it is.

I know that one day, sex is going to happen for her. I'm not that naive. However, no father wants to be in the same room when his daughter lays eyes on a pecker. None. I looked angrily around the theater hoping that I would somehow see Will Ferrell, Kevin Hart, or anyone involved in the making of this picture so I could have a word or two with them. I'm not a violent guy, but it probably would've resulted in fisticuffs. Lucky for them, neither was around or they would have taken an ass-whooping. Of course, I'm just a movie blogger speaking in jest about beating up celebrities. I think. Point is, that's how I felt at the moment. My daughter and I were both uncomfortable. Most of that is probably due to the presence of the other person. That discomfort carried over to the ride home. We didn't speak much about the movie. I asked if she liked it. She said she did because it was funny. We left it there and never discussed that scene. Maybe one day, we will. Maybe we'll laugh about it twenty years from now. Then again, I probably won't. There can never be anything funny about being in the same room as your daughter when there's a dick on the screen.


In my travels around the blogosphere, I came across some great posts. Check these out:

Epileptic Moondancer: Philip Seymour Hoffman Blogathon, and update

Surrender to the Void: 150 Favorite Films of 2000-2015 (That Isn't Lost in Translation) Announcement

Speaks in Movie Lines: My Top Five Fireworks Moments

Defiant Success: Book vs. Movie: Testament of Youth

Ever So Ethnically Confused: Favourite Aliens

Issac's Picture Conclusions: Shitfest 2015 ~ Summer: Birdman

Film the Madman: The Most Important Film of All Time

Cindy Bruchman: Ten Best Movie Posters and The First Line in Fiction

Of course, don't forget to check out yours truly as part of the 4 Ways a Best Picture Roundtable over at A Fistful of Films!!!


  1. Thanks for the link-love. If I was a parent. I wouldn't take my kid to see that. Even if it's a film with a R rating with nudity. I'll show it to them, when they're ready unless it's something with Kevin Hart. I'm sorry but I don't think he's very funny. I see him as nothing more than a whiny little midget.

    1. Nudity is not necessarily where I draw the line. I was actually expecting to see a boob shot or two, and probably a look at Ferrell's ass. And there was that. It didn't bother me as much because, she's got boobs of her own and she's seen man-ass played for laughs in other movies. The full-on genitalia in our faces, I wasn't quite prepared for. As for Kevin Hart, or any performer for that matter, it's easy to say you wouldn't take your kids to see someone they like because your think they suck. However, it's not so easy to actually do. And it starts early. You'll know what I mean if/when the day comes and you're in the car listening to "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round" for the tenth consecutive time.

  2. Thanks for the link! Interesting read mate. Always interestting reading the perspective of a parent

  3. My advice would be to check out IMDb Parent's Guide next time around, it's quite helpful.

  4. Brother, you just never know when a dick's gonna swing in these R-rated comedies these days. But this will totally be a funny story on down the line. Your daughter will be grown, well-adjusted, and it'll be all "remember the time we saw that crappy Kevin Hart movie, and...."

    Thanks for the link, man!

  5. I have to admit, as a parent also, I LOLd completely at this story. One to remember for her wedding day, right? Right? Anybody? Okay, just me then. ;)

    Honestly, though, I think it's contextual. There's a difference between sitting down to a comedy with adult stuff in it that works, while sitting down to hard core porn probably doesn't. Take the moment in Life of Brian, where Brian appears at the window before the crowd without a stitch of clothing, and we have the edifying view of Graham Chapman's junk. Now, the time I watched that film with my parents (I'd seen it already, so knew it was coming) on television, we all laughed like lunatics when that scene arrived, even though my mother was slightly embarassed. But within the context of the dialogue and humor of the film, it worked. So I think that kind of crude stuff can be done well without embarassing folks. That said, and not having bothered with "Get Hard" at all (not planning on it, either) perhaps a number of factors can work either for or against this kind of thing being an unexpected future talking point.

    Or just avoid Will Ferrel movies and stick to Jurassic World.... LOL. nice job, dad!

  6. The thing about this scene is that it was working as well as it could without the crotch shot. Sigh. Love your Life of Brian story.

  7. OMG! Your paragraph about your views about son vs. daughter parenting and how even though it's not fair, suck it because I'm the SO RIGHT! LOL, I'm the same way. Got two little girls at home, and they will stay as far away from the D for as long as I can help it. I'm not here for that shit. My kids will hate me...but they will also love me when they realize they don't have unwanted babies, STD's or heart break.

    LOL, a girl's job is to say NO! Damn straight...and I of course only say that now that I'm a father :-P

    1. Exactly. Hate me now, love me later. Things will work out better that way.

  8. I was a little scared to click on this link due to the title, but oh well. I remember my mom covered my eyes when she went to see 'Flashdance.' She couldn't find babysitters so I went to a lot of movies I shouldn't have been to. I remember when I was 2 or 3 years old and my parents had me in the back seat of a drive-in theater watching "Motel Hell." I grew up during the era of parents taking their kids to see inappropriate movies. So don't feel bad.

    I agree with the poster above...Kevin Hart really irritates me. I'm tired of this perpetual role he continues to play. I know he's a comic, but he's been seriously typecasted and unfortunately "stereotyped" hollywood style.

    1. lol, I'm not posting any explicit pics so don't be scared to click my titles. And I grew up during that time, as well. I went to plenty of movies I probably shouldn't have and watched plenty more at home when VCRs hit the scene. Just feels different when you're on the other side of things. As for Hart, I like his stand-up, but as an actor you're completely right. He just puts on the Kevin Hart persona for every role. For now, this has been very profitable for him, so I won't completely knock him. I reckon we won't see him try to do anything too different until that stops working.

  9. LOL You covering your daughter's eyes reminds me of seeing the South Park movie with my dad in theaters. He let me watch the show, even though I was so young because I never repeated any of it and he liked it too. He took me to the movie assuming it would be like the show, and as soon as we hit that "Uncle Fucker" song, I could see him slowly dying of embarrassment.

  10. I shit you not.

    This is the funniest thing I have ever read. Holy shit, I was laughing like an asshole. And yes, I realize it's 'laugh now' as my baby girl is only two...but damn Dell, that was some funny shit.

    Must have been a schlong ride home, huh? I'm sorry. Bad joke, I get it.

    I can be a dick.