I've been doing Thursday Movie Picks since the beginning about a year and a half ago. Thanks to our host Wanderer from Wandering Through the Shelves for coming up with this great idea. A year and a half might seem like a long time to some of you, but it pales in comparison to the number of Thursdays, and every other day, that I've woken up next to the lovely Mrs. Dell. We've been married for over eighteen years. Sure we've had our ups and downs, but unless I've missed something, there hasn't been any infidelity by either of us. That means when I saw this week's topic, I instantly knew it was something I'm only familiar with because of movies, tv, and a few unfortunate friends who have had to deal with it. I can't speak for my wife, but movies like the ones I will discuss today help keep me faithful. I just imagine that having an affair will inevitably turn into the worst nightmare imaginable as it explodes all over your life. Let's be clear. These aren't good films. In fact, they're terrible. Better yet, they are...well, I'll say it later...
(2009)This one is a bit of a cheat because there actually isn't an affair. It's just one crazy chick, played by Ali Larter, trying desperately to seduce a married man, played by Idris Elba. I mean, she slips the dude a mickey and rapes him, but I'm not counting that as an affair. Following that, she tries every other trick she possibly can to get some more Stacker Pentecost. Little does she know that the dude's wife, none other than Beyonce, don't play that shit. CAT FIGHT!!! Let's pause right there...
like any good husband I've told my wife a number of times that I would never cheat on her. She has often said she trusts me, but not other women. This movie is exactly what she means. Not that I'm worthy of such fawning, I'm just saying. I don't normally condone violence, but if some chick were to do all the crazy stuff Ali Larter does here I'd like to think that my wife would play the Beyonce role and whoop that bitch's ass...um...spoiler alert?
Oh, the movie? It's so bad it's awesome.
Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor
(2013)Incredibly and unnecessarily long title, I know. A pair of childhood sweethearts grow up and get hitched. The hubby, played by Lance Gross, is happy and pursuing his dream of owning his own pharmacy. Little does he know that his lady, played by Jurnee Smollett-Bell, is getting bored with him. She also happens to work at a match-making agency. Soon enough, she is sleeping with a wealthy potential investor, played by Robbie Jones, and kicking hubby to the curb. Of course, she soon finds herself on drugs and her new beau to be a complete psycho. Throw in a subplot starring Brandy that plays like a horror flick and the worst acting imaginable by Kim Kardashian in another subplot. Now make it all a cautionary tale about as subtle as getting anally raped by Dirk Diggler on the hood of your car in a Walmart parking lot on a Saturday afternoon and you have a film so ridiculous it has to be seen to be believed. The only way to enjoy this is to laugh at it. Mind you, there are no actual jokes told here because this is director Tyler Perry being "serious," but it's still funny as hell. So yeah, it's so bad it's awesome!
The Boy Next Door
(2015)J-Lo plays the neighborhood MILF/high school English teacher who also happens to be having some problems with her absentee husband, played by John Corbett. He's cheated on her in the past and she's pretty sure that's what he's doing these days on all of his "business trips." Feeling lonely and susceptible to the charms of a dashing young hunk, she succumbs to her lust for the guy who just moved in next door. Of course, he's a high school student who is soon enrolled in her class. And he's batshit insane, to use a technical term. They bang, she realizes her mistake, and wants to call it off. He's not trying to hear that because he's all about that "If I can't have you nobody can" stuff, so he gets his Glen Close on. Is this movie complete and utter crap? Yes it is. Is it highly enjoyable crap? Yes it is. It's so bad...you know the rest.