Sunday, August 25, 2013

Top 10 Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies

In the last couple of days, we've reviewed Arnie's last, and his very first. There are lots and lots of them in between. As you probably know, he was the biggest movie star in the world through much of the 80s and 90s. He was still making hits in the 2000s, until he took a side job as governor of California. No, he was never confused with _______ (insert the name of any Oscar-winning actor), but he made big action flicks that people flocked to. In my very humble opinion, these are...

The Governator's Top 10 Movies

10. Commando
This is just pure, unadulterated, over-the-top stupidity and I love every minute of it. Arnie's in rare form and wipes out so many bad guys you lose count. This time he's trying to track down the people who have kidnapped his daughter (played by a very young Alyssa Milano) in an effort to blackmail him into doing "a job." I'll be damned if they didn't mess with the wrong dude. Cheesy mayhem that's somehow both homo-erotic and homophobic ensues. Early on, after Arnie has just killed one of the bad guys (played by David Patrick Kelly) by dropping him off a cliff, Rae Dawn Chong asks him "What happened Sully?" In a movie that is unbelievably filled to the brim with them, his response is...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: I let him go.

9. Last Action Hero
Here, Arnie plays larger than life action star Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hmmm. In this world, Mr. Schwarzenegger's most famous character is super-cop Jack Slater. When little Danny wins a magic ticket, he gets transported to the chocolate factory, I mean, into the surreal world of Jack Slater. From here we get Arnie spoofing himself. Genius. As I've heard it put, those who hate this movie just don't get the joke. After Arnie/Slater fires shots into a closed closet door and a dead bad guy comes rolling out, little Danny asks "How'd you know there was someone in there?" Arnie's reply is, of course,...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: There's always someone in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.

(Okay, that's a two-liner. Just roll with it.)

8. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
I know. You probably hate this movie. Truth being told, the first time I watched this, I went in dreading it. Much to my surprise, I really liked the T-800's final hurrah. I know, a reprogrammed T-850 Model 101, if you want to be technical. Here, Arnie has to fight the T-X (played by Kristanna Loken), easily the most attractive Terminator of them all. Unfortunately, she's also the most vicious. The feeling of pending doom continues to hangs over the movie and really fits the franchise well. This one's a little light on wit, but after finally killing the T-X, old Arnie drops...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: You are terminated.

7. Conan the Barbarian
Ah, Arnie's first starring role in a major feature. That is, except for Hercules in New York, if you can call that major. At the time it came out, it was one of the best comic-book adaptations Hollywood had done. It also sparked about a five year stretch of B-grade fantasy movies hitting the big screen, including its own horrible sequel Conan the Destroyer and even worse spin-off Red Sonja. in which Arnie made a cameo. Wisely, the big guy wasn't given a ton of dialogue but he does point to his sword and give us this gem for...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: This you can trust.

6. The Running Man
Arnie takes on the best ever host of "The Family Feud". Sorry, Steve Harvey. After being framed for killing a bunch of innocent people, Arnie and his cronies from jail are forced to compete in a to-the-death reality show with Richard Dawson as its host. I swear it looks like TV is really headed down this path. One of the "Stalkers" sent in to kill Arnie has a chainsaw. Our hero overpowers the guy, runs the saw up his groin, pretty much cutting him in half. When he returns to his crew, Amber, the lone lady, asks "What happened to Buzzsaw?" Yeah, his answer is definitely...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: He had to split.

5. Predator
A team of Army commandos, led by Arnie go on a mission in a Central American jungle. They soon find out they are being hunted by an extra-terrestrial being who is nearly invisible. Way too many sequels and spin-offs later, you know the rest. Therefore, I'll only give one other detail. Carl Weather's severed arm lying on the ground squeezing off rounds from the M-16 it's still holding might be one of the best visuals in movie history. And I'm not even kidding. One other periphery, but mind-boggling fact: this is one of two Arnie movies released in 1987 (#6 is the other) that features two future U.S. governors, he and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. There's no way any of us could've guessed that. Anyhoo, even if you haven't seen it, you can probably guess...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: You're one ugly mother...!

4. True Lies
Arnie and pal Tom Arnie...Arnold...are secret agents. Arnie's wife, played by a still gorgeous Jamie Lee Curtis, has no idea what he really does for a living. We get an action-packed and comedic affair. As a side-note, this is directed by the man who's helmed a few of the movies on this list, James Cameron. In true Cameron fashion, this was one of the first movies to ever cost as much $100 million to make. That's not what makes it good. Personally, I think this is Arnie's best acting job. He's really life-like. Okay, that's a bit harsh. He really is good, here, and very funny. Still, he's upstaged a bit by his leading lady. The scene of her stripping is both the sexiest and funniest scene in the film. Not to be completely outclassed, Arnie has some great moments of his own. When the bad guy is hanging off a harrier missile that Arnie fires, our hero then inspires Donald Trump when he gives us...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: You're fired.

3. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
The T-800 is back, this time to protect John Connor, the future leader of the human resistance. At the time, it was arguably the biggest special fx spectacle ever made. Again, James Cameron is to thank. Loads of action and the continuance of a great story make it memorable. The impressive T-1000, a liquid metal shape shifting Terminator played by Robert Patrick, makes us wonder how Arnie's gonna pull this one off. It won an armful of technical Oscars and is so adored that many of you reading this probably have this as your top Arnie flick. And I haven't even mentioned that Linda Hamilton got really buff for her role, played Sarah Connor completely opposite to the way she did the first time around and is just as believable. Anyhoo, the whole movie builds up to Arnie saying one line,...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: Hasta la vista, baby.

2. Total Recall
This is probably the most complex of all of Arnie's movies. Not that that's a difficult task, but...forget it. Let's move on. Realizing he needs a little R&R, Arnie takes a virtual vacation to the planet Mars. This isn't just any vacation. He gets to choose what type of story he wants to play out during his "time away." Of course, he chooses a secret agent theme. From there, we get loads of twists along with the special fx and action. And, of course, there is the iconic shot of the lady with three boobs. Back in the real world, we think, Arnie gets the upper-hand during a fist fight with his not-so-loving wife, played by Sharon Stone, who is actually trying to kill him. She begs him not to take her out, finishing her plea with "After all, we're married." Simultaneously, she reaches for her gun, but Arnie pumps one in her first and drops...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: Consider that a divorce.

1. The Terminator
Arnie's greatest movie is the one where he's the bad guy. As the T-800, he is sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor, played by Linda Hamilton, before she can give birth to the leader of the human resistance, John Connor. He just causes all sorts of mayhem and doesn't say much. The way it's supposed to be. On one of those rare occasions when he does talk, he gives us something iconic,...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: I'll be back.

Arnie in Commando, suiting up. Does he have enough ammo?:

Yeah, sorry, I'm not a fan of any of his straight-forward comedies.


  1. Great list. Love watching The Governator blow shit up. Props for including Last Action Hero, I love the hell out of that movie.

  2. Finally, someone else who "gets" Last Action Hero!