The Quick and Dirties: Ladies' Night

Spring Breakers

Directed by Harmony Korine.

2013. Rated R, 94 minutes.

Cast:

James Franco

Selena Gomez

Vanessa Hudgens

Ashley Benson

Rachel Korine

Gucci Mane

Heather Morris

Ash Lendzion

Emma Holzer

Four gal-pals are all pumped for spring break. Unfortunately, they realize they don’t have enough money to get down to St. Petersburg. Apparently, that’s where all the action is going down. One of the girls is the heavy-handedly named Faith (Gomez), a goody two-shoes who spends lots of time in church. Unbeknownst to her, the other three come up with a plan to get the rest of the cash they need in a hurry. They don ski masks and burst into the local diner while brandishing a sledgehammer and some water guns. The heist goes well. They take money from the register, rob the patrons and gleefully flee to the dorms. Very shortly, the three of them plus the clueless Faith do indeed get down to St. Pete’s. By the way, the felonious three are Candy (Hudgens), Cotty (Korine), and Brit (Benson).

Anyhoo, our crew does what lots of other college kids do and have a little too much fun in the sun, indulging in drugs and destroying hotel rooms. For this, they find themselves in jail with no way of bailing themselves out. Riding to rescue is Alien (Franco), a local drug dealer and aspiring rapper. He happens to be in the courtroom to spring one of his buddies when he spots our bikini clad foursome being sent away for a few more days unless they can come up with the money to pay the fine they’ve incurred. Alien takes it upon himself to pay it for them, and is waiting for them as they get released. Before you know it, they find themselves immersed in a completely different world than what they bargained for.

For some, the veneer of Spring Breakers will be difficult to penetrate. It’s easy to think you’re watching an R-rated music video. There is seemingly an endless succession of naked and/or gyrating bodies. Large quantities of alcohol are not only drank, but flung about in celebratory fashion, splashing everything in sight except for the various parts of the anatomy that cocaine is snorted off. Finally, the music blares while much of this happens in slow-motion. That there is actually a story is efficiently hidden for a large chunk of the movie. On top of this, the way the plot moves forward is slightly different than what many people are used to. We expect long stretches of dialogue during which information is delineated for us to follow. Here, we get short bursts of conversation intertwined with cutaways to its results. There is also lots of echo assisted voice-over and shots of one or another of the characters alone, either smiling or deep in thought. It gives the whole movie a dreamy, Terrence Malick inspired feel and does nothing to dispel the notion of this being a music video. That is, until we notice how slyly things have progressed. It becomes a warped love story with potentially dire consequences for all involved.

Where the movie flounders is in its depiction of the individual characters. The girls are quite literally handled as Faith and “the other three.” She is the only one clearly distinguishable from the rest. Her personality, beliefs, and innocence make her stand out. The others are interchangeable, for the most part. This includes Vanessa Hudgens whom I was surprised didn’t get a meatier role, if for no other reason, she’s the most famous of the remaing trio. Alien is a bit problematic, as well. Franco does very well here, but his appearance makes us unsure how to take him for quite a while. Is he merely a stereotype, or a walking mockery of hip hop culture, particulary of whites within that culture? In other words, is he a joke, or not? Eventually, we settle on an answer, but it takes longer than it should. An even bigger issue is the film’s de facto villain Archie, played by real life rapper Gucci Mane. Yes, he is definitely a stereotype, but that’s not my biggest beef with him. More germaine to the movie than what type of character he appears to be is that it mishandles him. He tells us point blank what he must do in the scene that drives home the point that he is definitely the bad guy. However, when he gets the chance to do it, he doesn’t, which is of no benefit to him whatsoever. Even worse, he does something at that same juncture that we know will be detrimental to his cause. It’s not that he couldn’t take this course of action, but why he would is not clear. If it’s there, Gucci’s blank facial expressions don’t sell it. Whatever you think of his music, you’ll probably agree his acting is terrible.

Earlier, I mentioned Terrence Malick. I’m not at all a fan. Despite all the critical acclaim it received, I hate Malik’s The Tree of Life. Still, the best parts of it were mostly in the second act where the narrative is propelled by small pockets of interactions by the family involved and lots of quick cuts to flesh things out. As I have already noted, director Harmony Korine, who wrote Kids and Gummo (also directing the latter), employs similar tactics here, with great success. Combined with all the chaotic imagery, they give the movie a wonderfully surreal feel. He and his editor, Douglas Crise, are the real stars of Spring Breakers. They have put together a story that is twisted, manic, and disturbing with a current of very dark humor running through it. Its sights and sounds bombard our senses, but doesn’t dull them. It is part odd and Shakespearean romance, part skin flick, and part sociological satire; all with art-house aspirations.

Journey 2 the Mysterious Island

Directed by Brad Peyton.
2012. Rated PG, 94 minutes.

Cast:

Dwayne Johnson

Josh Hutcherson

Vanessa Hudgens

Michael Caine

Luis Guzman

Kristin Davis

The Rock…er…Dwayne Johnson in another benign family flick. Yaaayyy! This time he leads a cast of misfits in the sequel to 2008’s Journey to the Center of the Earth which stars Brendan Fraser, hence the “2” in the title. Clever, ain’t they? Or not. Could Fraser have possibly been too busy to do this one? Never mind. Like in the original, a group of people decide to try and actually locate a mythical location from a Jules Verne novel. Obviously our heroes, only one of whom is in the first flick, are trying to find “The Mysterious Island.” With only a single relevant character appearing in both movies, the strongest link between the films is the supposition that Verne was actually a historian and not a novelist. Okay, fine.

Despite the focus on The Rock’s bouncing boobs, more on that later, the story revolves around the kid from the first movie (Hutcherson). No, I don’t care what the character’s name is, just know that he’s played by the kid from The Hunger Games. In that movie he is trying to find his father whom he thinks is at the center of the Earth. Here, he’s searching for his grandfather whom he believes…do I really have to say it? The kid is also a grade A brat who can’t get along with his stepdad played by The Rock AKA Man Candy. In an unusual bonding effort, Man Candy decides to help the kid find the place in the title. Not surprisingly, getting there takes some serious effort and surviving some particularly foreboding weather. Think Bermuda Triangle. It also includes Vanessa Hudgens and her dad Luis Guzman, AKA the pretty girl and comic relief, respectively. Of course they make it. Of course, and this is not a spoiler, they find Alfred Pennyworth…er…Harry Brown…er…Michael Caine, the kid’s grandpa. The conflict of the movie isn’t getting to the Mysterious Island, it’s getting off.

You probably know how all this plays out, except for that whole thing about Man Candy’s bouncing boobs. I’ve long suspected the reason he is in so many of kiddie flicks is to give moms something to fawn over while the fam friendly fun drones on. Journey 2 confirms my suspicions. He dispenses sage advice to the kid on how to make women fall madly in love. Part of that advice is repeatedly, and alternately, flexing your pecs which he happily demonstrates. Yes, the shirt he wears throughout surely cuts off his circulation. The pic above doesn’t do it justice, you gotta see this thing in action. During this excruciatingly long scene I had to endure my wife’s taunts of “You can’t do that,” and my daughter noticing “I can see his nipples.” Yup, they were that obvious. Think J-Lo in Anaconda, only I didn’t enjoy looking at these. Rated PG my shiny black hiny.

I’m not insecure. Really.

Regardless, Journey 2 isn’t terrible. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it good, but you know what you’re getting, especially if you saw the first one (not essential viewing to enjoy this one) and/or the Will Ferrell flick Land of the Lost. It’s an adventure with a few funny moments, some interesting visuals and a cute puppy love story all wrapped in an inoffensive package. Inoffensive except for Man Candy’s chest twitching, that is. For him, I invoke the words of the late great (and fictional) Nino Brown (google him, young’uns): I never liked you anyway, pretty mother…I’ll shut my mouth because I’m tired of talkin’ ‘bout The Rock.

MY SCORE: Wait a sec…

Dear Mr. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson,

These are just the jokes of an angry little human. After all, everybody’s a comedian. If we were to ever meet in person I’d gladly proclaim that you are ‘The Man’ and invite you to dip your ever-poking-through-the-soft-material-of-your-shirt nipples in ink and use them to etch an autograph for my all-too-smitten-with-you wife. You just can’t do this upon her actual person or we will have to fight to my death. Okay, now...

MY SCORE: 5/10

Sucker Punch

Directed by Zack Snyder.

2011. Rated PG-13, 110 minutes.
Cast:
Emily Browning
Abbie Cornish
Jena Malone
Vanessa Hudgens
Jamie Chung
Carla Gugino
Oscar Isaac
Scott Glenn
Gerard Plunkett

After her mother dies, Baby Doll (Browning) is attacked by her stepdad. Obviously, it was a struggle for him to wait until his wife kicked because he goes on the prowl moments after the funeral. Apparently finding Baby Doll a bit more of a struggle than he wants just then, or perhaps saving her for later, he manages to lock her in her room and then starts in on her younger, much smaller sister. Since our heroine can’t let stepdad get his satisfaction she gets out of the room and gets a loaded gun and confronts this clown. Just to show she’s serious, Baby Doll fires off a warning shot. Oops. Little sis winds up all dead and stuff over in a corner. Daddy Dearest then has BD hauled off to an insane asylum run by some shady characters. He even slips the guy in charge a few extra bucks to make sure she gets lobotomized in five days. I hate when that happens.

All of this takes place before and right after the opening credits. Truthfully, only the end result is relevant. The elaborate set up is interesting, but unnecessary. She could’ve simply been perceived as crazy and arrived at exactly the same place. However, elaborately is the only way this movie does anything. Not surprising since it has the same director, it has a look reminiscent of 300 with nearly as much slo-mo, super slo-mo and bullet-time effects. The heavy metal soundtrack blares brazenly while things onscreen hiss, boom, shatter and pop. All the while, the camera follows a team of girls draped in fetishistic and/or militaristic garb and kicking all sorts of robot tail. If you let it, it can be big fun. That is, until you get to the end wonder what you just watched.

Speaking wondering what you just watched, where do the robots come from? Well, shortly and suddenly our insane asylum transforms into a brothel. I’ll let you figure out the how and why of that one on your own. Anyoo, BD is made to dance. In a total shock for this movie, there’s no pole involved. Still, when she dances everyone in her onscreen audience is so mesmerized they cease all bodily function except for watching her. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we never see BD dance. Along with her, we enter the dreamworld in the trance she falls into. Here, she receives orders from Wise Man (Glenn) about the next object she tries to obtain by fighting her and the team’s way through hordes of robots. By the way, if you couldn’t figure it out the team is made up of other girls in the looney bin. Each object gets the whole crew closer to escape from the real asylum. Get it? The actual connection is made a little better than that, but it’s still convoluted.

Overall, Sucker Punch is a fun looking mess. The visuals are a treat, but the pieces to the story don’t quite fit in a cohesive manner. First off, there are too many of them. A surplus of things that could’ve been discarded are kept. Conversely, we get the feeling plenty of things that should’ve been kept are thrown out. Second, none of the characters are written well enough for us to really care what happens to them. They’re just mannequins in the window striking poses appropriate for the gear they’re wearing. Worst of all, the movie is horribly inconsistent about what happens to people in the room when BD dances. Who is and isn’t effected changes based on what’s convenient for the plot at any given moment. Finally, I have a question. Why on God’s green earth did Zack Snyder allow Carla Gugino to keep going with her ridiculously bad Russian accent after the first day of shooting? For that alone, he should be sucker punched.

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

2008. Rated G, 112 minutes.

Director: Kenny Ortega. Starring Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Corbin Bleu.

High school sweethearts, Troy (Effron) and Gabriela (Hudgens), as well as their classmates, have to deal with separation anxiety as graduation looms. Singing and dancing ensues. It does exactly what it wants to do. It gives it's target audience a romanticized, asexual, insulated from the real world version of high school in which every problem can be dealt with by an inoffensive pop tune complete with 1980s music-video styl group dance numbers. By the way, saying these kids have "problems" is overstating it quite a bit. They have inconveniences that slightly detract from the perfection of their lives. Adults in this world exist merely so we know they actually exist. The exception to this is the great and powerful drama teacher. Seriously. The whole thing is a rather innocuous affair that my pre-pubescent daughters both love. Honestly though, all that cheese just upsets my stomach. MY SCORE: 3/10