You know how it goes. Life got in the way. I had to miss last week's Thursday Movie Picks. I'm back...and...sigh...
Wanderer, I love you, but...
video/arcade/board game movies...
Talk about a barren wasteland.
Well, screw it. I'm just going with three movies you should definitely avoid if you decide to venture into this...um...genre. And why not? Even the good movies based on games aren't all that good.
Let's just do this before I change my mind and claim "life" got in the way again.
(1994)I didn't play "Street Fighter" a whole lot, but enough that I was like "Oh cool, they're making a movie about it." I heard it was bad, but still, I was like "It's Street Fighter. It's can't be all that bad. Besides, Jean-Claude Van Damme is in it. He'll throw a few kicks, do a few splits. It'll be cool." Boy, was I wrong. Real wrong. The worse part is that I actually paid actual money to see this in a theater. It's been more than twenty years and I'm still trying to get a refund.
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
(1997)The main reason I didn't play "Street Fighter" that much is I was busy playing "Mortal Kombat," instead. If you somehow don't know the game, it's the one that got parents all in a tizzy because it featured lots of blood and characters with the ability to pull off outrageous finishing moves known as "fatalities." I was beyond excited to see the first Mortal Kombat movie. I was ultimately disappointed with it because it removed all the gore to become a watered down PG-13 camp-fest. Still, it wasn't terrible at being just that. I was down for the sequel. Annihilation promised to be bigger and badder. It was, just in all the wrong ways.
BloodRayne & Alone in the Dark
(2005)Yeah, I'm putting both of these in the same entry because they're directed by the same hack, Uwe Boll, and were released in the same year. Alone in the Dark gives us well-past-their-primes Christian Slater and Tara Reid in an incoherent mess about demons and ancient civilizations, or something. BloodRayne presents us with the first lady terminator, Kristanna Loken, as a vampire trying to get revenge against her mother's rapist...or something. Ben Kingsley also shows up in "as long as the check doesn't bounce" mode. Both movies are terrible. They are so terrible, I didn't even bother with the other three (or more) other video game adaptations Mr. Boll took his chainsaw to.
(2012)I know. I'm only supposed to pick three movies. This makes number five. I had to do it just so you know board games are not exempt from being adapted terribly for the big screen. The actual game is about rival naval fleets doing battle. Of course, that means the movie is about a hostile invasion by intergalactic aliens. Makes total sense (yes, my eyes are rolling right now). Okay, I get it. We had to update the premise for a modern audience. I really don't get it, but whatever. It's an awful film that plays like an imitation Michael Bay flick. Let that sink in for a bit. (Click here for my full review)
Tetris: The Movie
(20??)Let's call this pick a pre-emptive strike since it's only just been announced a few months ago. That's right, a game about falling blocks of various shapes, with no characters nor discernible plot, is being made into a movie. Wanna hear something even funnier? It's reportedly been given an $80 million budget. Seriously. This thing has bad idea written all over it. Wanna hear something even funnier than that? The plan is for this movie to be the first part of a trilogy. Hahahahahaha! A trilogy? Why? According to the guy putting this all together, producer Larry Kasanoff, "The story we conceived is so big. This isn’t us splitting the last one of our eight movies in two to wring blood out of the stone. It’s just a big story.” Sorry, I'm having a hard time believing that. I can't, for the life of me, figure out what they're going to do for one freaking movie, let alone three. If he gets to make three of these it's very likely I'll delete this entire blog since it will have been clearly demonstrated I am clueless about movies.