47 Ronin

Directed by Carl Rinsch.

2013. Rated PG-13, 118 minutes.

Cast:

Keanu Reeves

Hiroyuki Sanada

Tadanabu Asano

Rinko Kikuchi

Ko Shibasaki

Min Tanaka

Jin Akanishi

Masayoshi Haneda

Gedde Watanabe

We find out right away that Ronin are samurais who have disgraced their masters. Then, we don't meet any of them for a really, really long time. And the ones we do meet, we don't care about.

Oh, wait. I'm getting way ahead of myself.

Let's start with Kai (Reeves). A long time ago in a galaxy not far enough away, he's a young man who is the foster son of the good Lord Asano (Tanaka). However, since he's of interracial descent, Japanese and white, he isn't the most popular guy in town. You know things are bad when you non-chalantly answer to "half-breed." For this reason, and because he's played by Keanu Reeves, Kai seems eternally depressed and wears a blank expression on his face. That's before we even get to the real bad things that happen to him. That stuff starts when Lord Kira (Asano) and his personal sorceress, the very creatively named Witch (Kikuchi) show up. She tricks Lord Asano into committing a heinous crime for which he is sentenced to death. His right hand man Oishi (Sanada) is branded a Ronin and thrown into a hole in the ground. Asano's daughter Mika (Shibasaki) is told she will marry Kira in one year's time. Kai, our hero, is promptly sold into slavery. When that year passes, Oishi is let out of his hole, tracks down Kai plus 46 fellow Ronin, and go after Kira. This is all very loosely based on a true story. Really loosely. Matter of fact, if you have any knowledge of it, just scrap it for the purpose of watching this movie. Hell, I'm even going to pick apart my own summary of the film for you. Out of everything I just wrote, here's what you need to know: it's all over a girl. That's it.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

It should have been.

Instead, the movie plays out in an excruciatingly convoluted and increasingly boring fashion. It mixes Samurai lore with the purely mystical to less than thrilling effect. It's bread and butter should be sword heavy martial arts. When it gives us this, the movie is at least a little fun. Unfortunately, it spends far more time with our hero and his "friends" tip-toeing around in the woods talking to magical beings and spouting pseudo-philosophical declarations at one another. It wants to be Takashi Miike's 13 Assassins, but with a supernatural element. it's actually an even messier and far less exciting version of 2011's Conan the Barbarian, itself an incoherent slab of movie. This is definitely prettier, having some top notch production values. However, I'll say what I've said before. Pretty pictures do not a movie make. In this case, it's lipstick on a pig. That might make it a great looking pig, but I still don't want to kiss it.

You know what? I haven't even dug into Keanu Reeves' performance, yet. Or, should I say his lack of one? Truthfully, it's no more or less than what I expect. He gave us a non-descript villain in the better, but not great Man of Tai Chi. Here? You watch it and let me know if you detect a pulse. I'd say his rebranding of himself as a martial arts star isn't going too well. A quick glance at the numbers seem to refute my assessment, though. 47 Ronin stumbled its way to a $150 million take at the box office. However, you have to factor in what it cost to make such a beautiful mess. It had a budget of $175 million. Yeah, I'm right. Always.

Pacific Rim

Directed by Guillermo del Toro.

2013. Rated PG-13, 131 minutes.

Cast:

Charlie Hunnam

Idris Elba

Rinko Kikuchi

Ron Perlman

Charlie Day

Burn Gorman

Max Martini

Robert Kazinsky

Clifton Collins Jr.

If you believe that there is life somewhere besides Earth then you probably also think that if/when they reach us, they will first appear in our skies after having traveled many light years to get here. Makes sense, right? Well, you would be wrong. Turns out, they come through a fissure located at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean that is really a portal between their dimension and ours. And since we live in a big-budget movie, they most certainly don't come in peace. By the way, these are not little green men with over-sized bulbous heads and football shaped eyes. These are monsters the size of skyscrapers with really bad dispositions. In an apparent nod to Godzilla flicks we have taken to calling them kaiju - the Japanese word for monster. To combat them, we develop the jaegers, the 'j' makes a 'y' sound, German for hunter. These are gigantic fighting robots controlled by a pair of human pilots located in the head. So yeah, someone took one of my favorite things of all time, Voltron, and one of my least favorite, The Power Rangers, put them in a blender and poured the concoction onto the screen.

That someone would be none other than Guillermo del Toro. He is the mastermind behind some outstanding movies like Pan's Labyrinth, Blade II and the Hellboy films. Whether he is practicing patient story-telling as in Pan's, or delivering an action-packed blockbuster as in the Hellboy pictures, his work is often visually stunning. He continues that trend with Pacific Rim. Both the kaiju and the jaegers are excellently rendered and give the whole movie a larger than life feel. This is evident right from the start when one of the kaiju slams itself on The Golden Gate Bridge. The battle scenes make the movie fun. They give us what we have come for: giant robots fighting giant monsters.

The issues come when our main attractions are not on the screen. The overall story is bland and predictable. Individual subplots hold slightly more intrigue, but fail to generate the emotion they seem to be going for. Worse, they also leave plot-holes as they go. For instance, there's "the drift." The drift is a portal where our two pilots must link mentally in order to properly operate a jaeger. Basically, it couples two people's brains together. The first time we meet Raleigh (Hunnam), he's piloting a jaeger with his brother who is literally ripped out of the machine and killed while the two were still mentally connected. We're made to understand that Raleigh now has to not only carry around his memory of what happened to his brother, but his brother's own memory of what happened, as well. Imagine having a loved one brutally killed in front of you and also being able to actually see the event from their point of view and feel what they felt at the moment. Sounds traumatic, doesn't it? Of course, it is. That's why Raleigh quits the jaeger program and disappears from the radar for five years. In desperate need of capable pilots, his old boss Stacker Pentecost (Elba), what a name, finds him and re-recruits him. So what's the problem? The problem is we soon meet Mako (Kikuchi), a young lady who has aced every test there is to become a pilot. Stacker won't let her anywhere near a jaeger because of something in her past. He tells her point blank, "You can't take that level of emotion into the drift!" Excuse me? Did you not just bring back a guy with at least "that level of emotion," if not more? There is no evidence of Raleigh ever receiving any therapy or dealing with his brother's death in any way other than stewing over it since it happened. Therefore, we have no choice but to conclude that how the drift works is subject to the needs of the plot making it a not self-contained entity. The sad part is it's a great idea and further exploring what our hero is going through would probably have generated the empathy this movie needs. We spend much more time on Mako's story. Her history is somewhat interesting, but too obvious for us to really get worked up about.

I know, it's a guy flick. Guys don't care about all that touchy-feely stuff. It's all about robots and monsters. Monsters and robots. I'm a guy. I get it. Except guys who say that are either lying or fooling themselves. Even for the ruffians among us, the story is what draws us into the movie. When this happens and we love or hate the people on the screen, we have a vested interest in what happens to them. We actively root for or against them. Action can do this if it's of a brutal, particularly visceral nature and...AND...seems realistic, not some stylized Matrix fantasy stuff. Even then, the movie has to give us sufficient reason why we should care. No matter how good it looks and how much of it there is, this can't be achieved simply by ridiculously large beasts taking on equally gargantuan machines. Therefore, even as we enjoy watching it, we remain distant from what we are seeing. That distance means Pacific Rim is okay, probably a good choice for a fun movie night, but ultimately forgettable.

The Brothers Bloom

Directed by Rian Johnson.
2009. Rated PG-13, 113 minutes.
Cast:
Adrien Brody
Rachel Weisz
Mark Ruffalo
Rinko Kikuchi
Maximillian Schell
Robbie Coltrane

Plot: Bloom (Brody) agrees to pull one last con with his older brother Stephen (Ruffalo) before getting out of the family business, for good.

The Good: Right from the beginning we’re drawn in by the elaborate cons. They create multiple stories within the framework of the larger plot. They also keep us guessing where exactly they end. The sense of humor is slick. It’s the kind that makes you chuckle and say “You gotta be kidding me,” but in a good way. Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo are both good, as usual. However, Rachel Weisz’s turn as the naïve and eccentric Penelope makes the movie tick. Her charm is infectious and we understand why Bloom is taken with her. Lastly, we get a wonderful ending in which everyone gets everything they want, to borrow Stephen’s terminology. Don’t worry, it’s not nearly as sappy as it sounds.

The Bad: Our villain, Diamond Dog (Schell) is barely visible. We see him a couple times and hear a little about what’s gone on between he and the boys, but we never feel it. Therefore, he doesn’t seem like someone to be feared. Finally, as much as we like Penelope, she’s a little too naive, bordering on stupid. The old saying goes “Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on me.” She’s obviously not familiar with the second half of that adage.

The Ugly: Does Bang Bang (Kikuchi) really go bang bang?

Recommendation: If you’re at all into heist movies or movies about con-men, this is for you. I was very pleasantly surprised as this has flown under the radar. However, you should be aware this is a con-movie sans car chases and tense standoffs with the authorities. Somehow, it still delivers the thrills.

The Opposite View: Jason Di Rosso, Movie Time - ABC Radio National

What the Internet Says: 7.0/10 on imdb.com (6/15/10), 65% on rottentomatoes.com, 55/100 on metacritic.com


MY SCORE: 7.5/10