Blood: The Last Vampire

Directed by Chris Nahon.
2009. Rated R, 91 minutes.
Cast:
Gianna Jun
Allison Miller
Koyuki
Liam Cunningham
JJ Field
Larry Lamb
Yasuaki Kurata
Colin Salmon

Saya (Jun) has devoted her life to slaying demons in hopes of eventually drawing out Onigen (Koyuki), the supreme demon, and kill it as well. You see, Onigen killed Saya’s father just a few days after she was born. Saya also works for a covert agency. Her job is to, um, slay demons in hopes of eventually drawing out Onigen and yada yada yada.

As you might imagine, killing demons is messy work. It’s also complicated because they can take human form. So, our hero isn’t above mistakes. Then again, neither is this movie. You watch flicks like this for the action and gore. Unfortunately, most of it looks bad. The blood that splatters across the screen and spurts from freshly created orifices looks almost hand-drawn. When the demons transform into some green creature with sharp teeth and wings, they’re poorly rendered. Worst of all, our hero doesn’t appeart quite athletic enough to pull off the role. As a result, way too many obvious camera tricks are used to make her seem to be the unstoppable force she’s supposed to be. The movie is based on the anime film of the same name. My question: if the live action version is going to look like this, why bother?

But wait, it gets worse. Other aspects of the movie are also lacking. The dialogue is a rehashing of the worst of Yu-gi-oh. The actors saying it aren’t going to be winning any awards in the near future and the whole thing has a cheesy feel.

But wait, it gets worse. For two unimportant reasons, our tale is set in 1970. First, there are two lines of dialogue that reference the Vietnam War in current tense that are supposed to be deep. Hardly. Second, since that war is referenced, it’s an easy excuse to fill up the cast of a movie set in Japan with Americans. Whatever.

But wait, it gets worse. It rips off a number of other movies, comics, etc. For instance, when our American tour guide, Alice (Miller), wanders into a bar, we’re quickly reminded of From Dusk til Dawn. And if you can’t see the big reveal coming from about ten miles away, you’ve never seen The Empire Strikes Back or any of the countless other movies that stole from it before this one. Oh, and if you wonder why I haven’t even mentioned vampires to this point, it’s because vampirism is largely irrelevant, despite the title.

But wait, something happens. Somehow, some way, somewhere along the line, if you find yourself still watching, you find that you’ve ridden out your displeasure. You begin to roll with the punches and actually enjoy the badness. Yeah, it’s so bad, it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10