Friday, April 13, 2012

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Directed by Mike Mitchell.
2011. Rated G, 87 minutes.
Jason Lee
Amy Poehler
David Cross
Jenny Slate
Matthew Gray Gubler
Jesse McCartney

Brothers and sisters of the congregation, I’ve learned a new word: twee. Let us turn our text to the book of, chapter 20 verse 23. It says that twee is “something that is sweet, almost to the point of being sickeningly so. As a derogatory descriptive, it means something that is affectedly dainty or quaint, or is way too sentimental. In American English it often refers to a type of simple sweet pop music, but in British English it is used much more widely for things that are nauseatingly cute or precious. It comes from the way the word sweet sounds when said in baby talk. Twee.

Family, this is the part where I tell you that the Lord works in mysterious ways. It could only have been the Almighty God that deposited the word twee into my spirit and moved me to seek out its meaning just hours before sitting down to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Only He could’ve known that without knowledge of this itty bitty word there Would Be…Could Be…Should Be…no review today. I would have not the language to express the sights and sounds that Engulfed Me…Surrounded Me…Trapped Me as the whale did Jonah! Twee.

Brothers and sisters, I don’t think you understand. You see, there are three…yes, indeed there are Three…Count ‘em One, Two, Three boy chipmunks. There’s Alvin (Long), Simon (Gubler) and Theodore (McCartney). They are one of the biggest musical acts in the world. They call themselves…I Said they call themselves THE, as in THE one and only…as in THE most important…as in THE stars of our show…they call themselves THE Chipmunks. There are also three girl chipmunks: Brittany (Applegate), Jeanette (Faris) and Elanor (Poehler). They too, are one of the biggest musical acts in the world. They are known as The Chipettes. Now family, even big time stars need some time away from the spotlight…a chance to recharge their batteries…some R and R…to take it easy. So, what do they do? They go on a family vacation with their so-called “father”, the human being named Dave (Lee). This is NOT David who slew Goliath! No, NOT THAT David who became king of Israel! This ain’t even DOCTOR David Bruce Banner who transforms into the Incredible Hulk when angry! This is Just Dave, guardian of six singing chipmunks. Dave and his family are oh-so-sweet, sickeningly so. Twee.

Family, let us not take their vocation…oh yeah church, I’m moving on to their VO-cation and away from their VA-cation…let us not take their VO-cation lightly. That’s right, they sing. They sing with helium fueled voices so shrill they pierce the lower rungs of Heaven! These voices grate nerves like the horns of The Fallen Angel scraping the soles of The Creator’s feet! They sing. They sing songs that are WEAK…FRAIL…INNOCUOUS…WITHOUT Substance…DEFICIENT in Strength! They sing Simple Sweet pop music! It’s Nauseatingly cute! Twee.

Brothers and sisters, like Satan has a plot to enter our souls and turn us away from our Salvation, so too does Chipwrecked have a plot. The Chipmunks, The Chipettes and their so-called “father” Dave take a cruise for their family vacation. Shortly after their ship sets sail, Alvin’s mischief causes mayhem. All six of the furry little creatures find themselves holding tightly the string of a kite. The wind carries them to a Deserted Island! Dave MUST find them! His Heart is BROKEN! His “Children” are MISSING! His Paternal INSTINCTS take over! He MUST…he HAS TO…he WILL get to That Island! His MOTIVATION…DEDICATION…OBLIGATION…INCLINATION…His E-MOTION and DE-VOTION...Their Connection…Their link…Their Familial Bond…Their Unconditional LUUUUHHHVV is Disturbingly adorable…Horrifically pleasant…Repulsively perky! It is NOT funny! It is NOT exciting! It is NOT suspenseful! It LACKS tension! It LACKS imagination! It is Syrupy Sweet, Sickeningly So! It is filled with Simple…Sweet…Delicate…Forceless…Languid…Limp…Powerless pop music! It is AFFECTEDLY DAINTY, QUAINT and way too SENTIMENTAL! It is NAUSEATINGLY CUTE and PRECIOUS! Brothers and Sisters, Chipwrecked Is Wrecked! It is EXCEPTIONALLY UNEXCEPTIONAL! It is BROMIDICALLY BLAND…DEVILISHLY DULL…MERCILESSLY MILD…PARTICULARLY PLAIN…TRAGICALLY TRITE! WithOUT question, the good Lord has placed in MY VERY HEART the perfect word to describe the ATROCITY to which I bore witness: Twee.

Can I get an “Amen”?


  1. A.

    The passion! The intensity! The...question?

    Why, Dell? Why did YOUR eyes see THIS movie?