Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2

Directed by Cody Cameron, Kris Pearn.

2013. Rated PG, 95 minutes.

Cast:

Bill Hader

Anna Faris

James Caan

Will Forte

Andy Samberg

Benjamin Bratt

Neil Patrick Harris

Terry Crews

Kristen Schaal

Al Roker

Khamani Griffin

Precisely eight minutes after the events of the first movie, we begin our next adventure with Flint Lockwood (Hader) and the rest of his island clan. In case you don't remember what happened in the original, we start things off with a recap to get you caught up. The bottom line is there is a lot of cleaning up to do. There is literally food just lying around everywhere. In swoops famed scientist Chester V (Forte). Chester dispatches his subordinates to clean up the mess and sweet talks our hero into coming to work for him. Flint agrees then he and all his friends and family are evacuated while the clean-up is going on. We know what Flint doesn't. We know that Chester is really the bad guy and has an evil plan involving the machine our hero invented in that first film. We also find out that the food on island is alive and very dangerous.

Narratively, the movie shoots itself in the foot almost immediately by revealing that Chester has ulterior motives. He basically announces he's dishonest and is tricking our hero. The unintended consequence of this is that the good guys look like idiots instead of heroes. Even young viewers might be wondering why Flint doesn't see what's going on when Chester's admission makes his intentions more than obvious. It doesn't help that Flint is presented as clueless about anything except his own inventions.

Another issue is that the surrounding cast is given much less to do this time around. There are a few nice scenes between Flint and his father Tim (Caan). For the most part, though, dad is relegated to hanging with a group of sardine loving pickles. Sardine loving pickles is a phrase I never thought I'd type in a million years, but that is precisely what I meant. Earl Devereaux was played wonderfully in the first movie by, of all people, Mr. T. This time around he's played by Terry Crews, and we hardly see him. I remember him in a dress in one scene and making a chest hair joke later on, but that's about it. Anna Faris gets roughly the same workload this time around as Sam Sparks, the girlfriend/voice of reason, and might be the most likable character in the film. In place of these diminished series vets, we get Chester channeling Steve Jobs during one of those Apple conventions when he was announcing the next big thing. There is also his sidekick Barb (Schaal). I'll just say she's an ape with conscience and leave it at that.

All that stuff is bad, but hardly deal-breakers. Kids repeatedly sit through many worse offenders. What tears it for me is how aggressively bizarre the whole thing is. And not in a good way, either. It's an off putting kind of strange that gets worse as it goes along. We start by meeting much of the food. It's all edible versions of things in the real animal kingdom. This is a bit weird, but creative so I'm fine with that. The things done with them following this just rub me the wrong way. Most upsetting was the whole scenario involving strawberry poop. Hmmm, another phrase I never thought I'd use. You just have to see it to understand. Or not, if you're smart. I will give the powers that be some credit for one thing that was done with this aspect of the movie. Every so often, we'd get a pretty clear homage to Jurassic Park. They seem to be trying to invoke the same sense of wonder viewers felt the first time they'd laid eyes on Spielberg's dinosaurs. At this it fails, but they're still nice little nods.

I'm sure you've already figured this out, but Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 is not my cup of tea. The original was warm, funny, and had tons of charm. This one is lazily written and oddly executed. Instead of rebuilding the empathy we felt the first time around, the sequel assumes it remains with us and proceeds right to all the zany situations. These situations are where most of the energy is spent, but needed to be reined in. It becomes one of those instances when creativity runs amok. No one realized that everything that pops into your head isn't a good idea. While watching the first movie, it was hard to stop smiling and harder not to be drawn in by the characters and their plight. This time, I spent a lot of time cringing and shaking my head.

MY SCORE: 3/10

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Directed by Mike Mitchell.

2011. Rated G, 87 minutes.
Cast:
Jason Lee

Justin Long
Christina Applegate
Anna Faris

Amy Poehler
David Cross
Jenny Slate
Matthew Gray Gubler
Jesse McCartney

Brothers and sisters of the congregation, I’ve learned a new word: twee. Let us turn our text to the book of Urbandictionary.com, chapter 20 verse 23. It says that twee is “something that is sweet, almost to the point of being sickeningly so. As a derogatory descriptive, it means something that is affectedly dainty or quaint, or is way too sentimental. In American English it often refers to a type of simple sweet pop music, but in British English it is used much more widely for things that are nauseatingly cute or precious. It comes from the way the word sweet sounds when said in baby talk. Twee.

Family, this is the part where I tell you that the Lord works in mysterious ways. It could only have been the Almighty God that deposited the word twee into my spirit and moved me to seek out its meaning just hours before sitting down to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Only He could’ve known that without knowledge of this itty bitty word there Would Be…Could Be…Should Be…no review today. I would have not the language to express the sights and sounds that Engulfed Me…Surrounded Me…Trapped Me as the whale did Jonah! Twee.

Brothers and sisters, I don’t think you understand. You see, there are three…yes, indeed there are Three…Count ‘em One, Two, Three boy chipmunks. There’s Alvin (Long), Simon (Gubler) and Theodore (McCartney). They are one of the biggest musical acts in the world. They call themselves…I Said they call themselves THE, as in THE one and only…as in THE most important…as in THE stars of our show…they call themselves THE Chipmunks. There are also three girl chipmunks: Brittany (Applegate), Jeanette (Faris) and Elanor (Poehler). They too, are one of the biggest musical acts in the world. They are known as The Chipettes. Now family, even big time stars need some time away from the spotlight…a chance to recharge their batteries…some R and R…to take it easy. So, what do they do? They go on a family vacation with their so-called “father”, the human being named Dave (Lee). This is NOT David who slew Goliath! No, NOT THAT David who became king of Israel! This ain’t even DOCTOR David Bruce Banner who transforms into the Incredible Hulk when angry! This is Just Dave, guardian of six singing chipmunks. Dave and his family are oh-so-sweet, sickeningly so. Twee.

Family, let us not take their vocation…oh yeah church, I’m moving on to their VO-cation and away from their VA-cation…let us not take their VO-cation lightly. That’s right, they sing. They sing with helium fueled voices so shrill they pierce the lower rungs of Heaven! These voices grate nerves like the horns of The Fallen Angel scraping the soles of The Creator’s feet! They sing. They sing songs that are WEAK…FRAIL…INNOCUOUS…WITHOUT Substance…DEFICIENT in Strength! They sing Simple Sweet pop music! It’s Nauseatingly cute! Twee.

Brothers and sisters, like Satan has a plot to enter our souls and turn us away from our Salvation, so too does Chipwrecked have a plot. The Chipmunks, The Chipettes and their so-called “father” Dave take a cruise for their family vacation. Shortly after their ship sets sail, Alvin’s mischief causes mayhem. All six of the furry little creatures find themselves holding tightly the string of a kite. The wind carries them to a Deserted Island! Dave MUST find them! His Heart is BROKEN! His “Children” are MISSING! His Paternal INSTINCTS take over! He MUST…he HAS TO…he WILL get to That Island! His MOTIVATION…DEDICATION…OBLIGATION…INCLINATION…His E-MOTION and DE-VOTION...Their Connection…Their link…Their Familial Bond…Their Unconditional LUUUUHHHVV is Disturbingly adorable…Horrifically pleasant…Repulsively perky! It is NOT funny! It is NOT exciting! It is NOT suspenseful! It LACKS tension! It LACKS imagination! It is Syrupy Sweet, Sickeningly So! It is filled with Simple…Sweet…Delicate…Forceless…Languid…Limp…Powerless pop music! It is AFFECTEDLY DAINTY, QUAINT and way too SENTIMENTAL! It is NAUSEATINGLY CUTE and PRECIOUS! Brothers and Sisters, Chipwrecked Is Wrecked! It is EXCEPTIONALLY UNEXCEPTIONAL! It is BROMIDICALLY BLAND…DEVILISHLY DULL…MERCILESSLY MILD…PARTICULARLY PLAIN…TRAGICALLY TRITE! WithOUT question, the good Lord has placed in MY VERY HEART the perfect word to describe the ATROCITY to which I bore witness: Twee.

Can I get an “Amen”?

Yogi Bear

Directed by Eric Brevig.
2010. Rated PG, 80 minutes.
Cast:
Dan Aykroyd
Justin Timberlake
Anna Faris
Tom Cavanagh
T. J. Miller
Andrew Daly
Nathan Corddry

Just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean you should. If I so choose, I can walk up to any or all of my three children and beat them mercilessly. I think we can all agree that I shouldn’t. Sure, the technology exists to make a live-action movie about a computer generated talking bear and his sidekick based on a late 1950s/early 1960s cartoon. That doesn’t mean it should be done. It should be done if you have an interesting and/or funny story to tell or at least an updated take on the characters. It should not be done if you’re just going to recycle the same garbage from thousands of other crappy movies in an apparent cash-grab. Guess which approach is taken by the full-length feature film Yogi Bear?

If you must know, the plot really is the same as countless other movies. It’s so derivative, to call it paint-by-numbers would be insulting to people who paint by numbers and consider themselves real artists. Step 1: Introduce lovable, but dopey and mischievous protagonist. Of course, that’s Yogi (Akroyd). Step 2: Put said character in an environment he or she loves so much they couldn’t imagine life without it. Often, this is a house or a rec center or something that can reasonably be considered a landmark. In this case, it’s Jellystone Park. Step 3: Put said landmark in such financially dire straits it’s in danger of being foreclosed upon and/or destroyed at a fast approaching deadline. Here, it’s a week. Step 4: Have the effort to take away the landmark spearheaded by a greedy bank executive or a greedy politician. We get Mayor Brown (Daly). Step 5: Have the protagonist band together with his or her friends to either enter a contest and win or otherwise raise enough money just in time to save the landmark. Yogi and his cohorts opt for the latter. Don’t even try to tell me you haven’t seen this movie already. Just in the last six months or so I’ve seen it at least three times. It was billed as Step Up 3D, Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 and Stomp the Yard: Homecoming. It sucked each time. I can assure you this keeps the streak alive.

You know what? All might be forgiven if this were funny. Sadly, it’s so far from funny, well, it’s not even…funny. The extent of the humor here is Yogi steps on, touches or leans against something and gets hit in the face, knocked down, flung through the air, etc. Verbal jokes are boiled down to him saying “pic-a-nic” instead of “picnic” over and over and over…and over again. Occasionally someone farts, references farting, or makes a farting noise. To be blunt, this movie thinks kids are dumb. Sure, some will laugh at first. However, after about ten minutes they will realize the well is dry. I’ll give the slow ones fifteen before the chuckles stop.

Believe it, or not, this could’ve still been salvaged. Had there been some real nostalgic value or the kids in the target audience already had a connection with the characters that might’ve been enough to save the day. The problem there? We’re talking about a 50 year old cartoon that’s been largely forgotten! Most of the kids this flick is aimed at never heard of Yogi Bear until they started seeing commercials for this…this…this odious pile of digital excrement! Most of their parents are too young to be Yogi fans! Because of this trash and Marmaduke and the Garfield movies and the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies I am dreading the day when morbid curiosity gets the best of me and I just have to see for myself exactly how bad the movie for one of my favorite 80s cartoons, The Smurfs turns out. Trust me, it’s going to be bad. You heard it here, first. And just in case we’re not clear on this, the fact that this Yogi Bear movie exists makes the world suck just a little bit more.

MY SCORE: 0/10

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Directed by Phil Lord and Chris Miller.
2009. Rated PG, 90 minutes.
Cast:
Bill Hader
Anna Faris
James Caan
Andy Samberg
Bruce Campbell
Mr. T
Bobb’e J. Thompson
Benjamin Bratt
Neil Patrick Harris
Ariel Winter

Flint Lockwood (Hader) yearns to be a successful inventor. As you can imagine, he’s also a social outcast on Swallow Falls, the tiny island he calls home. We’re told it is right beneath the “A” in Atlantic Ocean, if you were looking for it on a map. From his elementary school days until sometime in his twenties, one invention after another of his fails. One day, he accidentally discovers a way to make it literally rain food. From that point on, everything changes for him. He becomes the island’s most famous and beloved citizen, even becoming known around the world.

Of course, there are plenty of bumps in the road after that or there wouldn’t be much of a movie. The eventual dilemma leads to a climax far too similar to the dreaded, Armageddon. Thankfully, everything before that is much better handled.

The screen is filled with fun imagery. In particular, the ice cream scene stands out. More than any other in the film, it’s a representation of something almost all kids wonder about, especially if they grow up somewhere where it snows. On top of that, the circumstances surrounding it is heart-warming. It’s rather hard not to crack a smile while it plays.

The story is pretty straight-forward. However, it does mix in some social commentary about greed, gluttony and the environment. Still, it’s subtle enough that you don’t feel like you’ve been bludgeoned with someone else’s morality.

As with any other kiddie-flick, there are some laughs to be had. For me, I found it more touching than funny. In that vein, it’s similar to Up. Another major factor in animated fare is the voice-work. Here, it’s very good. Hader is solid in the lead, as is Farris. James Caan and Bruce Campbell are excellent. Surprisingly, the standout is Mr. T as Earl, seemingly the island’s only cop. As a regular actor, Mr. T was nothing special. He made his bones on his persona, not his acting chops. As a voice actor, he’s outstanding. I hope to hear more of him, in the future.

If you’re not totally aversed to kiddie-flicks, take a gander at Cloudy. It’s one you can actually enjoy sitting through with the little ones.

The Opposite View: Amy Biancolli, San Francisco Chronicle

What the Internet Says: 7.2/10 on imdb.com (9/24/10), 86% on rottentomatoes.com, 66/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 7.5/10