Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Opposite Day

Directed by R. Michael Givens.

2009. Rated G, 88 minutes.

Billy Unger
Ariel Winter
Pauly Shore
Colleen Crabtree
French Stewart
Dick Van Patten
Renée Taylor
Nadji Jeter
Kristen Combs
Dylan Cash
George Wendt

There are hints that we are about to witness an evil that threatens man’s very existence before the movie even starts. The first thing we notice is the DVD cover for Opposite Day proudly displays the image and boldly printed name of Pauly Shore. We remember there was a time when he was inexplicably thought to be funny. We remember how he parlayed our misplaced trust in his comedic ability into multiple, horribly unfunny movie roles. We shudder as a coldness descends our spine; a warning that this may in fact be an actual depiction of the apocalypse masquerading as a benign family comedy.

We know it’s a family comedy because the full cover features Shore and an adult woman on the right wearing youthful looking outfits and goofy “Hey, I’m a kid!” looks on their faces. On the left we see two actual children, a boy and a girl sporting faux-stern visages and more adult clothing. We give them the once-over because they are children and remind us we have some of our own waiting to watch what we’re sure will be crap piled higher than anyone’s ever seen before. We choke back angry tears, lamenting the lengths to which we go to please our offspring. We told them we’ll never break a promise so we curse the Most High that sitting through this is one of the ones we made.

The blurb on the back of the cover informs us this is a zany “switch” movie. In this case a thingamajig operated by a bumbling scientist causes all of the adults and children in a generic town to switch roles. In other words, the children do all of the things adults normally do: parent, hold jobs, drive, etc. while adults play hop scotch, video games and destroy things. We think back to a promise we must break to honor the one to our kids: one made to ourselves. We recall that after suffering through an earlier movie in which children and adults switch identities we vowed to never again subject ourselves to such an experience. We know that they are almost always terrible, painfully so. Yet like Pharoah, with a hardened heart we refuse to heed God’s warnings, Pauly Shore, dippy outfits and the like, and let the show begin.

As expected, Opposite Day is a nightmare of biblical proportions. The plot, dialogue and acting by the almost all child cast is unfathomably bad and punctuated with an exclamation point by that icky scene where the young brother and sister wake up in bed together as if…never mind. The movie is so horrendous, our children aren’t laughing. It’s so loathsome we become riddled with guilt as if this whole thing were our idea. We pray our punishment will be swift and just. We happen a glance out the window. Sure enough, we see an elder bearded gentleman with a reluctant look on his face waving a staff and hear wind gathering to incomprehensible speeds.

MY SCORE: 0/10

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