At some point, all the lights will go out. We'll be left powerless in more ways than one, forced to fend for ourselves in once flourishing lands that no longer give life, only take it. Or, some mysterious virus will spread faster than can be controlled. It's victims will become like rabid animals who will either kill or infect nearly all of the rest of us. Or, the machines will take over. We will be subjugated to them and have to fight, united as a species, to wiggle free of their rule. It's coming. At least, that's what movies tell us.
Wanderer, our host, tells us that this week's topic for Thursday Movie Picks is Post-Apocalyptic World. So yeah, some movie where there has been a major catastrophe that has irreparably damaged humanity. Survivors are either still putting the pieces back together to create a new society, or they have already formed it and, well, it usually ain't pretty. Being honest, the line between post-apocalyptic and dystopian is a bit on the blurry side, so forgive me if I land on the wrong side of it. That said, this particular theme gives me a chance to do something I haven't done in a little while on TMP, dive deep. Staying out of the mainstream this week for some hidden "gems." Trust me, I use the word 'gems' very loosely. Don't get me wrong, I love the movies I've been picking, and that you will pick, but it's been a little to safe around here, lately. Let's mix it up, shall we?
Surf Nazis Must Die
(1987)Well, it finally happened. That gigantic quake happened and killed up a whole bunch of Californians. In its wake, a few gangs have risen up to battle for control of the all-important Power Beach and surrounding areas. The one we focus on calls themselves the Surf Nazis. Yeah, they do the whole swastika thing. And yes, they are a group of surfers. And of course, their leader's name is Adolf. How could it not be. Anyhoo, random martial arts fights break out between the gangs, the occasional and even more random sex scene pops up, some guy has a gigantic hook for a hand, and Adolf says weird shit. All of that is rendered irrelevant because of the lady in the pic above. Along the way, they kill her son. That is why all Surf Nazis must die.
(1993)I knew I wanted to pick this, but couldn't remember the damn title. I racked my brain for hours, and nothing. Suddenly, a piece of the puzzle fell into place. I remembered that Lance Henriksen is in this film. I hit up his imdb page, and voila! There it is. Knights. And guess what? Kris Kristofferson is in this. How did I forget that? Anyhoo, the generic title tells you nothing, so I'll help. Cyborgs have taken over the world. And they're vampires. Yup. Let that marinate for a minute. Henriksen plays the main baddie, by the way. And when forced to live under the rule of vampire cyborgs someone has to lead a revolution. Why not a female kick-boxer? Seriously, why not? Besides, we're talking real life kick-boxing champ Kathy Long. Think of her as an '80s version of Ronda Rousey. Here, Long basically spends the last half hour of the movie whipping ass in non-stop fashion.
(2011)In a post-apocalyptic/dystopian/totally effed up future, two gangs battle for control of Frazier Park, or the titular FP, the 245 and the 248. That's pronounced 'two fo five' and 'two fo eight' for the uninitiated. Those are the names of the gangs, in case you were confused. And how do they settle their differences? By taking part in a mean head-to-head battle in a game that suspiciously resembles Dance Dance Revolution. No, I'm serious. It's called Beat Beat Revelation. No, I'm serious. It's like a really bad, really really bad, steam-punk infused hip hop movie from the '80s with an all-white cast, except for that extra-gangsta-talkin' Asian dude. No, I'm serious. Just in case you didn't know how real it is out here in these streets, we open on one of those fierce BBR battles. One of the competitors dances so hard, dude literally dies. No, I'm serious.
Oh yeah, just in case you couldn't tell, all of these movies are bad. In fact, they're so bad they're awesome!
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