I have been waiting for this for months. These last few weeks have been the hardest as topic after topic came in that forced me to play it straight, more or less. Today? Today, I feel as though shackles have been removed from my ankles and wrists, my freedom papers have been signed and notorized, and I'm on the fastest damn train in the Union heading North.
Yes, I just made a slavery joke. I can make a slavery joke. You, I don't know. Use your better judgement. Screw it, just don't.
Back to the reason for my joy.
The topic for this week's round of Thursday Movie Picks is movies that are So Bad They're Awesome!!!! Well, really it's So-Bad-It's-Good, but I don't do good for these types of movies. I do awesome. Thank you to our host, as always, the wonderful Wanderer of Wandering Through the Shelves. A thanks must also go out to my homie Dan of Dancin' Dan on Film. Some of you, especially if you're name is Dan, might remember that a few weeks ago I said Dan sucks. Thing is he suggested a topic of which I really wasn't fond. He's learned from the error of his ways and picked this, the most perfect topic ever. Dan, you have fully redeemed yourself in my eyes, man. Now, on to some truly craptacular cinema.
For Your Height Only
(1981)Over the last year or so, there's been lots of talk about who should take over the role of James Bond once Daniel Craig drives his Aston Martin off into the sunset. A ton of names have been bandied about except for the one that should probably get the most serious attention. I'm talking about the diminutive Game of Thrones star Peter Dinklage. No? Hmph. This film might change your mind. It's the Filipino
I'm not wrong. I'm only 5'4". I don't get to make short jokes too often so I ran with it. Boo yourself! In fact, take this...
Takin' It All Off
(1987)You've probably seen one of these movies before, like the awesomely bad Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. By these movies I mean the ones where everyone has to band together quick, fast, and in a hurry so they can put on a show that might just raise enough money to save something near and dear to everyone's hearts. In the case of Breakin' 2 it was a youth center. This film, if you can't tell by the title, takes a slightly less wholesome approach than a breakdancing extravaganza. What are our heroines trying to save, you ask? It's a school for striptease artistes. It's for striptease artistes because that sounds better than stripper school, I suppose. So yeah, it's pole dancing classes long before that became an actual thing. That makes this a film ahead of it's time. No? Let's see. The school is owned by Bettie Bigones. Yes, that breaks down into 'big ones.' Fittingly, she's played by the fabulously, and naturally, endowed b-movie vet Kitten Natividad. If you knew that name before showing up to read this post, you have at least as much pig in you as I do. It's cool. Keep your anonymity if you wish. Moving on. The place is in financial ruin, so Bettie must rally her girls to shake that ass for a whole lotta cash and put on the biggest strip show EVAH! to help them get through it, Bettie even enlists the help of her newest student Allison, played by 80s porn star Candie Evans. She's using her real name here, by the way, Jean Poremba, if you care. Another if-you-care item to note is that this is the sequel to 1984's Takin' It Off. I haven't seen that one, oddly enough. Anyhoo, Allison provides the big snag in the
(1990)Mary Shelley's novel Frankenstein, amazingly written at age seventeen, is widely considered a literary classic using horror to explore the dangers of man overstepping his boundaries and playing God. It has since been turned into a film that's become a classic in its own right. Not this one, silly. Could've been this one. Okay, not really. Still, that book also inspired this slice of absoluteful ridiculosity. Look at me, making up words AND coining terms. I'm the shit. Ahem...sorry...movie...right? Right. As proof of the novel's influence on it, our titular character is actually a young woman named Elizabeth Shelley. During a bizarre accident with a lawnmower, her body is pretty much shredded. Her distraught boyfriend wisely (???) saves her head. His name is Jeffrey Franken, of course. He misses her so much he devises a plan to bring her back to life. No digging up graves for this mad scientist, though. He decides he's going to get his spare parts from the local ladies of the evening. How? He throws a big party and gives a bunch of them a super duper potent of crack that he personally created. It's so strong, whoever uses it literally explodes. When the ladies go boom, voila, hooker parts everywhere. He gathers up what he needs, stitches it together with his girl's head, does the whole "it's alive" thing and gets his woman back. Sorta. You know these things never work out as planned, right? See the rest for yourself. I dare ya.
I know that's three, but dammit I ain't done. Just having too much fun. When I'm having fun, you get to have fun. That means, it's time for a...
All of these movies got their very own full length review from yours truly. I totally spoil them because you're not gonna watch them. And they are all some of my best work, if I do say so myself.
(1973)This is bonkers from start to finish. Made during the grindhouse glory days of the 1970s, it has all the tenets of the exploitation genre: unintentional humor, bad dialogue, worse acting, laughable action and never more than a few minutes pass without the appearance of a naked body. Click here for the full review.
(1979)Meet Kim (Jill Lansing). Her life is a total mess. Her boyfriend Kevin (Stuart Taylor) just became her ex-boyfriend, dumping her for the school’s resident rich girl Annette (Tammy Taylor). Kim is a high school senior, but she’s either flunking or barely passing all of her classes and might not graduate. She lives with only her mom because her dad committed suicide. The two of them argue constantly. Her only friend, if you can call her that, is Lucy (Johnson). Lucy is sincere in her friendship but we get the feeling Kim only keeps the girl around because she has a car and a father who apparently doesn’t pay attention to his liquor cabinet. Luckily for us, Kim’s life is about to get a whole lot messier. Click here for the full review.
(1982)You're not gonna believe this. We have human trafficking, jade smuggling cannibal monks, zombie samurai, a Bruce Lee impersonator, karate school students on a cruise, a Bruce Lee impressionist as an instructor, a brothel, and ravenous piranhas all stuffed into one movie. Did I forget something? Oh yeah, buck nekkidness. Lots and lots of buck nekkidness. If you want to know why this, of all movies, will be forever linked in my mind with Raiders of the Lost Ark, click here for the full review.
This week, I won.
Addendum: Due to its popularity down in the comments section, I have embedded the full movie For Your Height Only from YouTube. Have at it! Let me know what you think!