Friday, November 10, 2017

Terrible Movie Summaries

I'm back with another installment of a semi-regularly feature, very semi, here at Dell on Movies. For those unfamiliar, it's where I try to sum up the plots of a gaggle of movies in one sentence each. As always, you might get a laugh or two, but good taste isn't promised.

Atomic Blonde - Skyfall, but with a really violent vagina and no gadgets for it to play with.

Blended - A white couple falls in love while enjoying the finest minstrel show in Africa.

Going in Style - Senior citizens struggle to supplement their fixed incomes.

A Good Day to Die Hard - The dude from Die Hard  plays Die Hard in Russia.

Hotel Transylvania 2 - A bigot struggles to comes to grips with his daughter's interracial marriage.

The Lego Batman Movie - A troubled couple reach a crossroads in their relationship.

London Has Fallen - The dude from 300, minus the six-pack plays Die Hard in London.

A Nightmare on Elm Street - A group of teens fight to survive a rare but fatal sleeping disorder.

Olympus Has Fallen - The dude from 300, minus the six-pack, plays Die Hard in the White House.

Passenger 57 - A black man implores others to always bet on him as he plays Die Hard on a plane.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - An archaeologist takes credit for defeating Nazis despite not actually mattering in their fate.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - A terrorist organization recruits a young woman for a suicide mission.

Skyscraper - A woman with really big boobs and small clothing plays Die Hard, after sex and a shower.

Speed - A non-emoting cop and a bland brunette play Die Hard on a bus while taking pop-quizzes.

Spider-Man Homecoming - a reckless teenager sticks his nose in grown folks' business.

Star Trek Beyond - Authorities spare no expense chasing down a militant black man.

Suicide Squad - A group of assassins are hired to kill a woman because of her personality disorder.

Under Siege - A chef with a ponytail plays Die Hard on a boat.

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory - Bored with boats, the chef with a ponytail adopts a black sidekick and plays Die Hard on a train.

White House Down - Magic Mike, still with the six-pack, plays Die Hard in the White House (sounds familiar, huh).


  1. The Dark Knight: Billionaire uses disposable income to assault a mental patient.

    Psycho: A guy with mommy issues has trouble getting a date.

    1. I like the way you think. That summary of TDK is so spot-on I thought I already used it myself, but checking revealed I hadn't. I did do Psycho. Yours works great, but I took a slightly different tact:

      Psycho - Cross-dresser deals with familial issues.

  2. Why are all these movies playing Die Hard? lol

    I laughed pretty hard at the description for Hotel Transylvania 2. My kid loves that movie.

  3. Ha! Very good!

    I didn't know the absolutely terrible 70's movie Scorchy with Connie Stevens was reworked into Skyscraper but it sure sounds like it.

    A wee bit harsh on Raiders but by and large otherwise spot on.

    No love for Speed? It is Die Hard on a bus but in fairness the producer admitted that's what they were going for. I love that one. It's a thrill ride with Keanu just the right actor for the lead, he's not terribly emotive but I think someone trying to give a real "performance" would just be in the way. Besides who could focus on any kind of intricacies he might attempt when you have Dennis Hopper swallowing pieces of scenery whole! Sandra Bullock bland? Nah...Neve Campbell now she's bland.

    1. Thanks.

      I've never seen Scorchy so I can't speak to that. I do know that Skyscraper is almost a note-for-note remake of Die Hard other than the stuff inserted so we get to see ANS topless.

      Don't mistake the "terrible" in the title for how I feel about these movies. I have a lot of love for a number of them, especially Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's one of the movies that defined my childhood, I kinda have to love it. That "terrible" refers to my summations, not the films. That said, yeah, if you remove Indy from the equation the Nazi's would have had the exact same thing happen to them, and possibly faster because they wouldn't have had to deal with him.

      I also love Speed, so I'm in no way arguing there should be a different actor in either of the two lead roles. Again, there's a but...we'll have to agree to disagree on Bullock. I think she's bland with flashes of brilliance. I also think Campbell just isn't particularly talented so I wouldn't compare the two at all. Campbell just so happened to be a perfect fit for the Scream. A better comparison to Bullock would be similarly bland Jennifer Aniston, also with a few moments of greatness sprinkled into an otherwise pedestrian, but high-profile, resume.

  4. Scorchy is horrendously bad....and therefore deliciously entertaining in a trainwreck sort of way. There were just certain things in your Skyscraper description that brought it to mind. Here's the preview-steeped in the 70's. And yes that is a dune buggy she's chasing the bad guys in through the city streets!

    1. I watched the trailer and yes, Scorchy looks like a fun and ridiculous time.

  5. This Die Hard edition made me laugh out loud. Love the Passenger 57 and Speed entries. And your Suicide Squad description is better than the movie's actual description.

    1. Thanks! Glad I can bring a little joy to your life.