Aquaman

The Quick and Dirties: 3 Days to Kill, Non-Stop, Brick Mansions

Machete Kills

Directed by Robert Rodriguez.

2013. Rated R, 107 minutes.

Cast:

Danny Trejo

Demian Bichir

Mel Gibson

Sofia Vergara

Amber Heard

Charlie Sheen/Carlos Estevez

Michelle Rodriguez

William Sadler

Walton Goggins

Cuba Gooding Jr.

Antonio Banderas

Lady Gaga

Vanessa Hudgens

Jessica Alba

Machete (Trejo), our favorite ex-Federale, is back. As sequels must, things start off on a sour note for our hero as his partner/girlfriend Sartana (Alba) is killed during a bust gone bad. He himself is about to be taken out by corrupt Texas law man Sheriff Doakes (Sadler) (are there any other kind in a Machete movie?), when the phone rings and none other than the Commander-in-Chief himself, Pres. Rathcock (Sheen/Estevez), demands that he be flown to White House immediately. Once there, the president asks Machete to go to Mexico and assassinate Mendez (Birchir), an ex-cartel member who has acquired a nuclear bomb he is threatening to use on the U.S. Machete's pay for this job? His criminal record will be expunged and he will immediately be granted full citizenship in this country. Mayhem ensues.

The citizenship angle is important, or at least it would be, if this were the first movie. That one immersed itself in nearly all of the issues associated with the immigration debate. This one starts down that same road, but it rather quickly detours, concerning itself with being as zany as possible. Unfortunately, what's left has no gravity and our tale goes spinning off into the atmosphere. Literally. As in we wind up in space. Don't worry, that's no spoiler. We are told right at the beginning that the next installment in the franchise will be Machete Kills Again...in Space. Without the weightiness of an issue to hold it together, the movie never connects with us on any level. Its predecessor consistently went hard at the issue it attacked. Even if you disagreed with its basic stance, there was something to grasp. Here, there is not.

Like the first movie, we get a never ending succession of jokes. The difference is that in its predecessor, with the immigration issue as its anchor, it shaped itself into a sharp, if ultra-violent and exploitive, political satire. Instead, this aimlessly throws as much against the wall as it can and hope some of it sticks. Some of it does. Director Rodriguez really stretches his imagination to come up with a plethora of outrageous occurrences. Some of them make us say 'wow,' while others make us laugh. The problem is that rather than being part of a cohesive whole and sustaining its humor, these jokes are all stand alones, fleeting moments of comically presented gore. The one strand of consistency is that no matter where we are in the movie, we'll soon get a reference to an older movie. Most often, and most overtly that reference is to Star Wars. This usually works. Other times, we get the director paying homage to his own past work which is a bit narcissistic, to say the least. This usually doesn't work.

It's not all bad, though. We do have some fun performances. Danny Trejo is once again spot on perfect as the titular Machete. It's a wonderful deadpan that would make Steven Wright proud. YouTube him, young'uns. William Sadler gets to go over the top as that crooked law man and does a nice job. It was nice to see him just cut completely loose. The same can be said for Mel Gibson in a bad guy role. As much as we say we hate him these days, he was pretty good in this flick. Weirdly, Walton Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr., Antonio Banderas, and Lady Gaga all play the same person (La Cameleon). It doesn't quite fit anything that's going on and is odd more than it is good, but is interesting. For the top prize, there is a tie between Charlie Sheen and Sofia Vergara. Sheen, billed under his birth name of Carlos Estevez in a nod to the whole immigration thing, is wonderfully cast as the most fun president the United States has ever had. While not realistic in any way, he's still a blast to watch. Vergara chews scenery with reckless abandon, playing every scene to the hilt. It helps that she's often outfitted with some of the director's versions of biological weapons, including the pecker gun he used in From Dusk 'Til Dawn. She makes every bit of it work and is the most fun part of the film, along with Sheen.

Machete Kills is a movie I could see some people loving because of the outrageousness of the action, the fun performances, the ridiculous humor, and a few quotable lines ("Machete don't tweet"). For me, it didn't quite come together like it did the first time. Almost all of the focus has been removed in the name of making the sequel a "bigger" movie than its predecessor. It is. The third, if they actually complete it, promises to be even bigger. However, the director has already seemed to lose his way with this franchise. At his best, Rodriguez brings his limitless imagination for morbid, twisted humor and welds it to an intensely focused narrative purpose to create, as our New England friends might say, a wicked good time. This time, the latter part of the equation is missing. There is some fun to be had. However, if you enjoyed the first one, even if you couldn't pinpoint it, you might be struck with the unsettling feeling that something is off. In some instances, way off.

The Rum Diary

Directed by Bruce Robinson.

2011. Rated R, 120 minutes.

Cast:

Johnny Depp

Aaron Eckhart

Michael Rispoli

Amber Heard

Richard Jenkins

Giovanni Ribisi

Amaury Nolasco

Marshall Bell

Bill Smitrovich

Puerto Rico in 1960 might not be the best place for a guy trying to quit drinking, or at least cut back enough to focus on his new job. After all, rum appears to be the most plentiful beverage on the island. The guy is Paul Kemp (Depp) and his job is reporting for a barely surviving American newspaper on the island. After cleaning out the mini-bar a few times in the hotel room the paper is paying for, his new boss Lotterman (Jenkins) moves him into a ratty apartment with two other more seasoned but cynical reporters. Shortly, Paul makes friends with some low people in high places and gets involved in a real estate scam. And yes, there’s a girl. Lots of drinking and run-ins with the locals ensue.

The real estate scam gives our hero an ethical dilemma which dominates much of the movie. Though interesting, it’s rather tame as diabolical movie plans go. It’s only a diversion, anyway. Our real focus is on whether or not Paul will be able to steal the gangster’s moll, a young pretty blonde, as cinematic rules dictate she must be. Her name is Chenault (Heard), a free spirit who takes a liking to Paul but, as indicated, belongs to Sanderson (Eckhart) who is running this get-rich-quick scheme.

As proof that the whole real estate issue is just a front for the love story, it abruptly disappears before there’s a resolution. Instead, we suddenly shift the narrative back to the failing newspaper. It’s almost as if someone realized mid-stream, there is an untapped, potentially interesting story that needs more attention and abandoned the one they were telling in its favor. This makes The Rum Diary a bit of a mess, narratively. On top of that, the ending is weak and rushed. It just kind of stops playing and gives us some subtitles that complete the tale.

Fortunately, there are several saving graces. First, as disjointed as our saga is, it bounces along in an enjoyable manner. It’s most fun when Paul and fellow reporter/roommate Bob Sala (Rispoli) are palling around, getting into one precarious situation after another. The funniest of these being how they decide to drive Bob’s car after its front seat has been ripped out by some angry locals. There’s also third roomy Moberg (Ribisi) who is only occasionally in the apartment, only shows up to work to pick up his paycheck (we find out he can’t be fired) and is always drunk. Second, the three men in these roles are marvelous. Ribisi is particularly good and leaves us wishing he had more screen time. That said, Johnny Depp is the draw. Sans his now trademark goofy wigs and cartoonish makeup he is still a joy to watch.

The work turned in by Depp and his cast mates, including the always underappreciated Richard Jenkins, means the narrative issues can be pushed to the margins as we follow their misadventures. They can’t be ignored completely since the switch in focus is jarring and unfulfilling. However, it still makes for a good time. What it lacks in storytelling acumen is made up for by giving us characters that are ultimately smart, but in a very dumb way.

The Stepfather

Directed by Nelson McCormick.
2009. Rated PG-13, 101 minutes.
Cast:
Dylan Walsh
Sela Ward
Penn Badgley
Amber Heard
Sherry Stringfield
Paige Turco
Jon Tenney
Nancy Linehan Charles
Braeden Lemasters
Skyler Samuels

Plot: When Michael (Badgley) comes home from military school he finds his mom blindly in love with and ready to marry David (Walsh) whom she met just six months ago. However, there’s something just not right with this guy. A remake of the 1987 movie of the same name.

The Good: The pedal stays to the metal. It throws everything at you, repeatedly. David suddenly appears out of nowhere about a thousand times, always accompanied by a hard note of music. He’s also prone to violence at the drop of a hat which leads to a knock-down drag-out finale. We even get the time-tested cat thrown across the camera to create a jump-scare.

The Bad: The stupidity is unending. The director strikes first by revealing to us at the very beginning what this guy is all about. That’s right, the very first scene is of him leaving behind the family he just murdered. So now, there’s nothing for the movie to build towards. We know how far he’ll go. Second is Sela Ward’s character (Susan), who is a complete numbskull. I kept waiting on someone to tap their knuckles on her head a few times and say “Hello McFly, is anybody home?” The authorities are no better. How this guy hasn’t been caught before Michael meets him is a mystery only explained by poor screenwriting. I could go on about ridiculous plot contrivances, imbecilic dialogue, predictability, etc. but why should I?

The Ugly: Why Jay (Tenney) never picked up Michael.

Recommendation: If you can completely shut your brain down, have at it. Some movies are completely dumb but still fun to watch. This is not one of them. It is painful. You can see everything coming and you roll your eyes when it happens. No, I haven’t seen the original. I may have to. It couldn’t possibly be as bad.

The Opposite View: Betty Jo Tucker, ReelTalk Movie Reviews

What the Internet Says: 5.3/10 on imdb.com (6/14/10), 11% on rottentomatoes.com, 33/100 on metacritic.com


MY SCORE: 2/10