Machete Kills

Directed by Robert Rodriguez.

2013. Rated R, 107 minutes.

Cast:

Danny Trejo

Demian Bichir

Mel Gibson

Sofia Vergara

Amber Heard

Charlie Sheen/Carlos Estevez

Michelle Rodriguez

William Sadler

Walton Goggins

Cuba Gooding Jr.

Antonio Banderas

Lady Gaga

Vanessa Hudgens

Jessica Alba

Machete (Trejo), our favorite ex-Federale, is back. As sequels must, things start off on a sour note for our hero as his partner/girlfriend Sartana (Alba) is killed during a bust gone bad. He himself is about to be taken out by corrupt Texas law man Sheriff Doakes (Sadler) (are there any other kind in a Machete movie?), when the phone rings and none other than the Commander-in-Chief himself, Pres. Rathcock (Sheen/Estevez), demands that he be flown to White House immediately. Once there, the president asks Machete to go to Mexico and assassinate Mendez (Birchir), an ex-cartel member who has acquired a nuclear bomb he is threatening to use on the U.S. Machete's pay for this job? His criminal record will be expunged and he will immediately be granted full citizenship in this country. Mayhem ensues.

The citizenship angle is important, or at least it would be, if this were the first movie. That one immersed itself in nearly all of the issues associated with the immigration debate. This one starts down that same road, but it rather quickly detours, concerning itself with being as zany as possible. Unfortunately, what's left has no gravity and our tale goes spinning off into the atmosphere. Literally. As in we wind up in space. Don't worry, that's no spoiler. We are told right at the beginning that the next installment in the franchise will be Machete Kills Again...in Space. Without the weightiness of an issue to hold it together, the movie never connects with us on any level. Its predecessor consistently went hard at the issue it attacked. Even if you disagreed with its basic stance, there was something to grasp. Here, there is not.

Like the first movie, we get a never ending succession of jokes. The difference is that in its predecessor, with the immigration issue as its anchor, it shaped itself into a sharp, if ultra-violent and exploitive, political satire. Instead, this aimlessly throws as much against the wall as it can and hope some of it sticks. Some of it does. Director Rodriguez really stretches his imagination to come up with a plethora of outrageous occurrences. Some of them make us say 'wow,' while others make us laugh. The problem is that rather than being part of a cohesive whole and sustaining its humor, these jokes are all stand alones, fleeting moments of comically presented gore. The one strand of consistency is that no matter where we are in the movie, we'll soon get a reference to an older movie. Most often, and most overtly that reference is to Star Wars. This usually works. Other times, we get the director paying homage to his own past work which is a bit narcissistic, to say the least. This usually doesn't work.

It's not all bad, though. We do have some fun performances. Danny Trejo is once again spot on perfect as the titular Machete. It's a wonderful deadpan that would make Steven Wright proud. YouTube him, young'uns. William Sadler gets to go over the top as that crooked law man and does a nice job. It was nice to see him just cut completely loose. The same can be said for Mel Gibson in a bad guy role. As much as we say we hate him these days, he was pretty good in this flick. Weirdly, Walton Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr., Antonio Banderas, and Lady Gaga all play the same person (La Cameleon). It doesn't quite fit anything that's going on and is odd more than it is good, but is interesting. For the top prize, there is a tie between Charlie Sheen and Sofia Vergara. Sheen, billed under his birth name of Carlos Estevez in a nod to the whole immigration thing, is wonderfully cast as the most fun president the United States has ever had. While not realistic in any way, he's still a blast to watch. Vergara chews scenery with reckless abandon, playing every scene to the hilt. It helps that she's often outfitted with some of the director's versions of biological weapons, including the pecker gun he used in From Dusk 'Til Dawn. She makes every bit of it work and is the most fun part of the film, along with Sheen.

Machete Kills is a movie I could see some people loving because of the outrageousness of the action, the fun performances, the ridiculous humor, and a few quotable lines ("Machete don't tweet"). For me, it didn't quite come together like it did the first time. Almost all of the focus has been removed in the name of making the sequel a "bigger" movie than its predecessor. It is. The third, if they actually complete it, promises to be even bigger. However, the director has already seemed to lose his way with this franchise. At his best, Rodriguez brings his limitless imagination for morbid, twisted humor and welds it to an intensely focused narrative purpose to create, as our New England friends might say, a wicked good time. This time, the latter part of the equation is missing. There is some fun to be had. However, if you enjoyed the first one, even if you couldn't pinpoint it, you might be struck with the unsettling feeling that something is off. In some instances, way off.

Escape from Planet Earth

Directed by Cal Brunker.

2013. Rated PG, 89 minutes.

Cast:

Brendan Fraser

Rob Corddry

Ricky Gervais

Jessica Alba

Sofia Vergara

Sarah Jessica Parker

Jonathan Morgan Heit

Paul Scheer

Scorch Supernova (Fraser) is the most famous astronaut/explorer/hero on Planet Baab. His devil-may-care attitude has gotten him into a lot of tight spots. Luckily for him, his brother Gary (Corddry) works back at Mission Control and always knows what to do to get him out of a jam. Of cours, there is no glory for running the show almost anonymously from your desk. Accolades are reserved for the star of the show. Gary is also a good judge of what missions might be too dangerous. Scorch is give one such assignment and decides to accept it against his brother’s better judgement. When Gary expresses his concern, the powers that be shout him down. Frustrated, he quits his job. However, after learning that Scorch has indeed been captured on “The Dark Planet,” Gary sneaks into a spaceship and takes off in hopes of rescuing his brother. If you couldn’t tell by the movie’s title, “The Dark Planet” is Earth.

The flip side of all those alien invasion flicks plays out. Almost. What if we were the bad guys in the close encounter? Not necessarily “we”, but definitely a human. It’s a nice turn of the tables that serves the movie well. More important, however, is the relationship between the two brothers. The big, strong, handsome hero having to be saved by his scrawny sibling is what the story hinges on. It gets lots of mileage out of their differences. The relationship between Gary and his son Kip (Heit) is also given ample time. Our focus here is on the boy’s image of his dad as compared to how he feels about his uncle. Combined with the sibling rivalry we witness, this becomes a nice little commentary on hero worship and who our idols should really be.

In addition to watching those relationships play out we are treated to some sight gags, pop culture references and other jokes that mostly lean ever-so-slightly further on the intellectual side of things than many kiddie flicks. We also get some lively visuals and solid action sequences. There are also a number of recognizable voices who all handle their roles well. One drawback is that the plot plays out without much surprise, even for the little ones. Another, and bigger one is that it doesn’t quite connect on an emotional level the way it seems to want. Therefore, this is a perfectly acceptable movie aimed at kids that is fun to watch, but doesn’t really stand out from the crowd.

MY SCORE: 6/10

Happy Feet Two

Directed by George Miller.

2011. Rated PG, 100 minutes.

Cast:

Elijah Wood

Robin Williams

Pink

Benjamin Flores Jr.

Hugo Weaving

Brad Pitt

Matt Damon

Common

Sofia Vergara

Hank Azaria

John Goodman

Carlos Alazraqui

Ava Acres

Lombardo Boyar

Mumble (Wood), along with seemingly every penguin in the world finds themselves trapped when a giant hunk of ice blocks their path out of a frozen valley. Meanwhile, Will and Bill, a pair of krill played by Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, respectively, break loose from their school and venture out into the ocean on their own. Pop song medleys and dancing ensues.

As with its predecessor, the singing and dancing is the strength of the movie. The way songs most of would never think of in the same sentence blend seamlessly is brilliant. The numbers are lively and make time speed  by as we tap our own happy feet and maybe even sing along. That is, of course, as long as the thought of musicals aimed at children doesn’t automatically turn your stomach.

Where the first movie falters is in its sudden twist in tone. After two cheerful acts encouraging kids to be true to themselves, the third is an excruciatingly dark one involving man’s exploitation of animals for financial gain and destruction of the environment on top of our hero suffering spells of dementia. Even though we never get anywhere near those depths this time around, we’re only given one fun act before settling in for lots of penguins fretting about their pending doom and worshipping false idols. Sure, there are plenty of attempts at humor but most of them fall flat. To gauge this, I made sure to notice my children who weren’t laughing very often. The truth is the penguins and most of the other creatures fail to engage us unless they’re belting out a tune.

One exception, at least on a minor level, is Mumble’s son Erik (Ares). Like his dad, he’s a bit different than the other penguins. He doesn’t join in on any of the songs they sing. In fact, he doesn’t say much at all and spends as much time as possible hiding. As in almost every other movie ever made that features such an insecure character, this is all leading up to the moment he bursts out of his shell. The pleasant surprise is how effective a moment this is. It’s an absolute showstopper, by far my favorite part of the entire movie.

The rest of the film proceeds as it must, efficiently but not always joyfully. Everything happens right on time as we’ve been trained by countless other kiddie flicks. The climax is ridiculous, even for a cartoon about singing penguins. All of this would be forgivable if it didn’t commit a cardinal sin. There are large chunks of Happy Feet Two that are just plain boring.

MY SCORE: 5/10

The Three Stooges

Directed by The Farrelly Brothers.

2012. Rated PG, 91 minutes.

Cast:

Chris Diamantopoulos

Sean Hayes

Will Sasso

Jane Lynch

Larry David

Jennifer Hudson

Sofia Vergara

Kate Upton

Stephen Collins

Kirby Heyborne

Brian Doyle Murphy

Dwight Howard

I had mixed emotions when I found out there was going to be an all-new Three Stooges movie. My hope was that it was going to be a biopic about their long career detailing the relationships between the at least half dozen men who were members at one time or another. I vaguely remember a TV movie to this effect some years ago. Eventually, I discovered it was simply going to be a full-length feature in the grand style of one of their famous shorts. I watched and laughed at plenty of the Stooges’ stuff as a youngster, occasionally as an adult, so I was game.

We meet our heroes shortly after birth when they’re unceremoniously dumped at an orphanage run by nuns. So outrageous is their behavior over the years, finding someone to adopt them is impossible. In fact, the boys are still there as adults. Out of the kindness of the nun’s hearts, I guess, they haven’t been sent packing despite wreaking havoc and being unable to complete even the simplest task. Don’t feel too bad. All of this is played for laughs, of course.

In case you’re somehow unfamiliar, introductions are in order. The Three Stooges are made up of Moe (Diamantopoulos), a nitwit but nonetheless their leader, and two dimmer bulbs, Larry (Hayes) and Curly (Sasso). The orphanage is going broke. Unless they can come up with $830,000 in thirty days, it’s doors will close forever. If you know anything about movies at all then you know the only thing left to do is for the boys to venture off to the big city to try and raise the cash themselves. That’s all you need to know about the plot other than MTV’s “The Jersey Shore” plays an improbably prominent role. To say the story is a weakness is a gross understatement.

If there is magic to be found in a Three Stooges movie, it lies not within the plot, but in the physical humor. Coming into this, I wondered how true this movie would be to its source material. In the old days, Moe would berate the other two for any mishaps, theirs or his, and a round of them slapping each other, hitting one another over the head with a variety of heavy blunt objects and poking one another in the eyes would ensue. The mishaps usually involved accidents that would be bone-breaking at the very least, in real life. Thankfully, the update remains faithful to that formula. It is exactly what most of us imagine a Stooge flick to be. Those of you who found the original trio hilarious, will likely find these guys to be much the same. They do a remarkable job imitating the real Moe, Larry and Curly. It’s refreshing that our beloved Stooges haven’t been sanitized to fit 21st century sensibilities.

On the other hand, the commitment to getting it right is the movie’s biggest problem. It’s a movie aimed at kids. Don’t worry, I’m not going to start moralizing. It’s just that the Stooges’ heyday, and even up through the 1970s when I was watching them, were less enlightened times. Three guys verbally and physically abusing one another or repeatedly having heinous accidents were a legitimate source of comedy. Now everything about the Stooges has been outlawed or incessantly railed against. There are PSAs about much of this stuff. I understand there is a good bit of Stooge influenced stuff going on in children’s programming these days, but it’s easier to digest as a cartoon. Today’s kids are less likely to laugh at a live-action version of the same things. Indeed, I laughed more than my own offspring. Times are a changin’.

MY SCORE: 6/10

The Smurfs

Directed by Raja Gosnell.

2011. Rated PG, 103 minutes.
Cast:
Hank Azaria
Neil Patrick Harris
Jonathan Winters
George Lopez
Katy Perry
Jayma Mays
Sofia Vergara
Fred Armisen
Anton Yelchin
Kenan Thompson
Jeff Foxworthy
Tim Gunn

There was a time when “The Smurfs” were a part of my Saturday morning routine. This not only included the show, but also Smurfberry Crunch cereal whenever I could get it. Watching Papa Smurf, Smurfette and the other 99 smurfs foil the evil Gargamel week after week was wholesome cheesy 80s fun. If, back then, a movie based on that show and including real-live people were to come out I would’ve been smurfed to see it. I would’ve saved up the twenty bucks to get me and my siblings each a ticket. Wow, $20 for four of us. Remember those days? Anyhoo, we would’ve been first in the smurfing line the day it opened. Now, better than a quarter century later and having seen numerous craptacular movies based on old TV shows, I’m not so smurfed. Regardless, here I am losing to curiosity and fatherhood once again. Of course my daughter wanted to see this. What? I can’t take all the smurfing blame.

As usual, Papa Smurf (Winters) and his clan of little blue people take on the smurf obsessed Gargamel (Azaria). What’s different is the setting. On the show, nearly every episode took place entirely in the area just big enough to include both Smurf Village and Gargamel’s castle. The movie starts us there but very quickly a half-dozen smurfs, Gargamel and his equally evil cat Azriel wind up in New York City through a bit of hocus pocus. Our heroes spend the rest of the movie trying to find whatever magic is necessary to get back home and avoid Gargamel.

While in the Big Apple, Papa and crew wind up crashing at the apartment of a young married couple, Patrick (Harris) and his pregnant wife Grace (Mays). He’s a career driven ad exec smurfing for his relentless boss Odile (Vergara). She seems to mostly stay at home, talking to the baby in her belly. They have two purposes for being in the movie. First, they provide the smurfs with a place to stay and play “Guitar Hero.” More importantly, they will learn an important lesson when our adventure is over.

The Smurfs is one of those movies that doesn’t do anything smurfily bad nor anything esmurfily good, either. It just drones on pretty blandly. Clumsy Smurf does something clumsy and puts the others in danger. They try to rescue him, narrowly escaping Gargamel who then has an aside with the cat and concocts his next plan. Rinse, repeat. In that respect it’s not much different than the old cartoon. That’s probably as good as we can hope for.

If there is one thing that rises above the level of mediocre, it’s the performance of Hank Azaria as Gargamel. He is absolutely smurfect. Not only does he present us with exactly what we thought a live-action version of the villain would be but he’s clearly having a blast at the same time. On the flipside, I was disappointed with George Lopez’s Grouchy Smurf. It’s not necessarily his fault, but the character feels the least true to what they were on the show. That Grouchy didn’t say much and started almost all of his very short sentences with “I hate…” This version talks constantly and is somewhat a grouch, but in a way much more reminiscent of the actor’s character from his own sitcom.

I have to admit, The Smurfs is far better than I thought it would be. Thankfully, it doesn’t induce a pain similar to being repeatedly kicked in the groin like Yogi Bear. It’s still not really a “good” movie. It’s merely a pleasant, if unremarkable time-passer that manages to maintain nostalgia and cuteness. This will likely not be the case going forward. For proof, see the Alvin and the Chipmunks and Transformers franchises. Therefore I hope, probably in vain, that the powers that be don’t shove a smurfing sequel down our smurfing throats. This one is watchable, but I get the feeling I’m all smurfed out.