Piranha 3DD

Directed by John Gulager.

2012. Rated R,83 minutes.

Cast:

Danielle Panabaker

David Hasselhoff

Christopher Lloyd

Gary Busey

Matty Bush

David Koechner

Chris Zylka

Paul Scheer

Clu Gulager

Meagan Tandy

A couple years ago, the remake of the ‘70s cult classic Piranha swam into theaters. It knew exactly what type of movie it wanted to be and executed its plan perfectly. Piranha 3D wanted nothing more than to show drunken, naked female twenty-somethings, give us the goriest death scenes possible, crack a bunch of jokes almost as gross as the co-ed carnage on display and do it all at a blistering pace. It did exactly that from end to end. Every frame of it was so bad it’s awesome! The sequel, with no less titillating a title than Piranha 3DD, promised to be more of the same.

Somehow, the director of this mess got the idea he was making a real movie and not something with double D in the title. Of course, he fails miserably. First, he (and the writers, if there are any) tries to emphasize the incredibly flimsy plot. Final girl Maddy (Panabaker), don’t act like that’s a spoiler, is helping her sleazy uncle re-open a water park which will feature an “adult” section. Second, way too much time is spent with David Hasselhoff who plays himself. This is actually a nice bit of stunt casting, a gag that should've been afforded a few short scenes a la Bill Murray in Zombieland. Instead, it eats up a huge chunk of the movie for no apparent reason other than for Hoff to make fun of himself. Sounds awesome, doesn't work out that way. Third, the detestable things we love about the first movie are just plain detestable, here. This includes manner of death. When the fish finally take over the proceedings, the kills are a good deal less imaginative than in 3D. There are some good ones, but they’re weaker on the whole. Eventually, things turn to setting up another sequel (3DDD?) and they somehow get too ridiculous, even for this franchise.

Like its predecessor, 3DD is complete trash. However, the first movie was trash of an endlessly and enjoyably repugnant variety. It was like gorging yourself on a gigantic bag of your favorite mini candy bars. The sequel is more like eating directly out of a dumpster.

MY SCORE: 0/10

Mr. Brooks

Directed by Bruce A. Evans.

2007. Rated R, 120 minutes.

Kevin Costner 

Demi Moore

William Hurt

Rene Russo 

Danielle Panabaker

Dane Cook

Marg Helgenberger

Ruben Santiago-Hudson

Aisha Hinds

Serial killer Earl Brooks (Costner) gets the urge to kill again after two years of inactivity. He follows the urge, tries to maintain his successful business and his family but things aren't quite working the way he wants.

In a welcome change, this movie foregoes any notion of it being a 'whodunit' right away. Its not interested in discovering who the killer is, that's established fairly early. It's more interested in how Mr. Brooks copes with all that's going on in his life. Often, it involves talking things over with Marshall, the walking talking persona of his conscioence played by William Hurt. Admittedly, its a gimmick but these two actors make it work extremely well showing off a mutual morbid sense of humor. As the police officer trying to capture "The Thumbprint Killer," Demi Moore goes into tough-chick mode and delivers as well. The writers did well to give her three story-lines of her own that all work even if they're a bit over the top. Even Dane Cook is adequate in his role.

Story-wise, twists in the plot are presented more as complications Brooks has to deal with and you become interested in how he's going to take care of the various problems that arise. Between he and Marshall they come up with some pretty good stuff. Though there are a good number of tense and even a few gory moments, this is more of a psychological thriller than a true horror film, but one that takes the odd approach of presenting the killer not as a raving lunatic but as a normal guy with an unusual addiction.

With the number of story-lines going on, at least six off the top of my head, some things just fall by the wayside. Namely, how Mr. Brooks came to be a serial killer is ignored. Though, the suggestion is there that homicidal urges are hereditary. Also Brooks' wife (Russo) is also ignored. She's pretty much there just for reaction shots. She could've been developed a lot more. Through her action scenes we discover that Demi Moore's character is a superhero or at least related to John McLane from the Die Hard series. This character made her G.I. Jane look like her character from Ghost.

Mr. Brooks is for fans of movies like Silence of the Lambs and Seven. It's not quite in their league but I think it is terribly underrated. Far better with far less hype than 2007's other big thriller, Perfect Stranger. It was fun to see Costner playing way against type and like I said earlier it was fun watching the back and forth between he and William Hurt. Stay away if you think there have to be likeable characters in a movie. I honestly don't think there are any.

MY SCORE: 8/10

The Crazies

Directed by Breck Eisner.
2010. Rated R, 101 minutes.
Cast:
Timothy Olyphant
Radha Mitchell
Joe Anderson
Danielle Panbaker
Christie Lyon Smith
Deadra Farnum
John Aylward
Lisa K. Wyatt

All of a sudden, people in Ogden Marsh start getting very sick. No, not sick as in catching a bug that makes you cough, sneeze or otherwise spread your unwanted germs around, but sick as in George A. Romero sick. Well, whaddya know? This is a remake of an early 70s Romero flick. For the uninformed, they’re turning into zombies. Through some very quick detective work, Sheriff Dutten (Olyphant) surmises that the recent turn of events is caused by a contaminated water supply. Don’t worry, there’s more to it than that. Anyhoo, before you know it, nearly everyone in town is infected, the military shows up and it’s one big orgy of killin’.

Make no bones about it, the story is poorly told. There are too many plot-holes and loose ends. The whole deal with the Enemy of the State-style satellite is underdeveloped and silly where it’s supposed to serve as ominous social commentary. Why some people get sick and some don’t is still a mystery.

Luckily, these things are easy to overlook because the rest of the movie is so well done. It becomes a nicely crafted chase movie with just enough atmosphere to keep the tension amped up.

The bottom line: watch it for the cheap thrills it provides and ignore the rest. Truthfully, it’s a movie you’re likely to enjoy as it’s playing but think less and less of as you move away from it and give it a couple thoughts. But hey, it’s fun while it’s on.

The Opposite View: Dan Kois, Washington Post

What the Internet Says: 6.7/10 on imdb.com, 71% on rottentomatoes.com, 55/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 7/10

Friday the 13th (2009)

Directed by Marcus Nispel.
2009. Rated R, 106 minutes.
Derek Mears
Jared Padalecki
Danielle Panabaker
Amanda Righetti

Plot: Lots of co-eds go to the area formerly known as Camp Crystal Lake in search of fun but only get all sorts of dead at the hands of Jason. A franchise reboot. Sorta.

The Good: Its exactly what you think a Friday the 13th movie will be. In keeping with F13 tradition, Jason piles up a rather impressive body count. As a matter of fact, it may be the highest in the series as Mr. Voorhees lays waste to not one, but two sets of weed puffin', alcohol swillin' fornicators. And he does so mostly in wonderfully gruesome fashion. By the way, those kills take a bit of a step back from the cartoonish style the franchise has become known for, giving it a darker feel more in line with the original than the played for laughs style of most of the sequels.

Its exactly what you think a F13 movie will be. The acting is poor. The dialogue is silly, at best. The plot only advances in the event of another slaying. That last bit is what makes this a particularly pointless reboot. There is basically nothing new learned or shown about Jason. Fans were promised a more fully realized origin story and only got a new way he finds his trademark hockey mask. That took all of 30 seconds. In essence, instead of getting a new version of the original, we get a movie that chronologically wedges itself between parts II & III (chronological in the sense that he first wears the mask in Friday the 13th Part III). If we subtract those few seconds in which he dons said mask a much better name would've been Friday the 13th Part XI: Jason Returns to Crystal Lake ("returns" because if you weren't aware Part X takes place in outer space...and yes, this sorta ignores Freddy Vs. Jason.)

The Ugly: Worst dialogue ever uttered during a sex scene: "You got perfect nipple placement, baby!"

Recommendation: Either you like F13 movies, or you don't. If you do, you'll enjoy this but it won't knock your socks off. I think you'll be pleased that its a return to a less campy style of death scene and a slightly more human Jason. If you don't like them, this isn't going to change your mind so don't bother.

The Opposite View: Clay Cane, BET.com*

What the Internet Says: 5.8/10 on imdb.com (7/16/10), 26% on rottentomatoes.com, 34/100 on metacritic.com

SCORE VS. REAL MOVIES: 4/10
SCORE VS. OTHER FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES: 7/10

*There really is no true "opposite view" on this movie. Most of what the reviewers say rings true. However, I'm one of these idiots that just likes Jason flicks, so I can see it both ways, hence, the 2 scores.