Sunday, October 27, 2013

Piranha 3DD

Directed by John Gulager.
2012. Rated R,83 minutes.
David Hasselhoff
Gary Busey
Matty Bush
David Koechner
Chris Zylka
Paul Scheer
Clu Gulager
Meagan Tandy

A couple years ago, the remake of the ‘70s cult classic Piranha swam into theaters. It knew exactly what type of movie it wanted to be and executed its plan perfectly. Piranha 3D wanted nothing more than to show drunken, naked female twenty-somethings, give us the goriest death scenes possible, crack a bunch of jokes almost as gross as the co-ed carnage on display and do it all at a blistering pace. It did exactly that from end to end. Every frame of it was so bad it’s awesome! The sequel, with no less titillating a title than Piranha 3DD, promised to be more of the same.

Somehow, the director of this mess got the idea he was making a real movie and not something with double D in the title. Of course, he fails miserably. First, he (and the writers, if there are any) tries to emphasize the incredibly flimsy plot. Final girl Maddy (Panabaker), don’t act like that’s a spoiler, is helping her sleazy uncle re-open a water park which will feature an “adult” section. Second, way too much time is spent with David Hasselhoff who plays himself. This is actually a nice bit of stunt casting, a gag that should've been afforded a few short scenes a la Bill Murray in Zombieland. Instead, it eats up a huge chunk of the movie for no apparent reason other than for Hoff to make fun of himself. Sounds awesome, doesn't work out that way. Third, the detestable things we love about the first movie are just plain detestable, here. This includes manner of death. When the fish finally take over the proceedings, the kills are a good deal less imaginative than in 3D. There are some good ones, but they’re weaker on the whole. Eventually, things turn to setting up another sequel (3DDD?) and they somehow get too ridiculous, even for this franchise.

Like its predecessor, 3DD is complete trash. However, the first movie was trash of an endlessly and enjoyably repugnant variety. It was like gorging yourself on a gigantic bag of your favorite mini candy bars. The sequel is more like eating directly out of a dumpster.

MY SCORE: 0/10

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