The Last Stand

Directed by Kim Jee-Woon.

2013. Rated R, 107 minutes.

Cast:

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Forest Whitaker

Rodrigo Santoro

Eduardo Noriega

Genesis Rodriguez

Johnny Knoxville

Jaimie Alexander

Peter Stormare

Zach Gilford

Christiana Leucas

Once upon a time, the release of an Arnold Schwarzenegger flick meant I was spending a Friday or Saturday in a crowded theater inhaling popcorn while the guy with the thick accent flexed muscles I didn't even know existed, kicked all sorts of ass, and dropped some of the corniest/funniest one-liners ever barked by a monosyllabic action hero. If you had told me that he would eventually go on hiatus from movie making to become governor of California, I would've shunned you for violating the number one commandment of First Lady Nancy Reagan and obviously not just saying no. Google it, if you must. I’m in no mood to explain the jokes, youngster.

Anyhoo, in his first starring role since leaving office, The Governator picks up right where he left off. Sorta. He plays the sheriff of an Arizona town that borders Mexico. By the way, every time I have to type the word ‘sheriff’ I have to spell check it. I can never remember if there are two Rs, or two Fs, neither, or both. This is funny, to me at least, for two reasons. The first is that I won my sixth grade school spelling bee, placed sixth in the district bee so I wasn't that many steps from horribly butchering some word of Latin origin (or Greek, or Russian, or Japanese, etc.) on national TV. Wait a sec, the national spelling bee wasn't televised back then. I don’t think. Whew, that was close (not really). The second reason I find this humorous is because I never ever have to check how to spell Schwarzenegger. Never. You could wake me from a dead sleep after a long night of binge drinking and I wouldn't miss a letter. Not one. S-C-H-W-A-R-Z-E-N-E-G-G-E-R.

Oh, where are my manners? You’re here about a movie, right?

Let’s talk about this Arizona town Ah-nuld protects. It’s one of those rinky dink places where much of the population is of retirement age and everyone is on a first name basis with everyone else. The police almost never see any action. In fact, the most exciting thing we see them do early on is take target practice with the local nut-job played by Johnny Knoxville with an overly phallic handgun. By them, I mean almost the entire force. This includes the T-800, Deputy Mike (Guzman) and Deputy Jerry (Gilford). There is also Deputy Sarah (Alexander) who is back at the office missing out on all the fun.. By the way, Deputy Jerry makes plans for the very near future which Conan the Barbarian is more than happy to help him with. Poor guy. If you don’t understand what I’m saying, imagine that he’s in his sixties and retiring in two weeks. If you still don’t get it you've obviously never seen an action movie before.

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, the feds are transporting Cortez (Noriega), a dangerous Mexican cartel boss from one institution to another. If you guessed he would make a daring escape thanks to his private army and head right for Terminatorville in hopes of crossing the border, give yourself a cookie. Take two if you guessed he’d be driving a suped up Corvette at 200 miles per hour for most of the movie. From there? Wow. Just. Wow.

What does wow mean? It means that on top of the normal action flick ridiculousness I was totally ready for, I got an unexpected trip back to the land of low budget 70s movies. Think about those old pictures, or go watch some if you haven’t. Take note of how many times you can clearly see the stunt-person. Believe it, or not, we get that here. My apologies to anyone involved in the making of this film if I’m incorrect. However, there a few occasions when I looked at the screen and couldn't help but say aloud “That’s not Arnie!” I even had to change the noun once or twice to Luis Guzman. Hilarious.

Now we can add the action itself. I did say it’s ridiculous, didn't I? It’s actually a bit beyond that, particularly with regards to the Corvette our bad guy whips around in. This thing is apparently a supercharged mini-tank. Were the Fast & Furious folks on this dedicated team of auteurs? Even with that, our zany mixture is not complete. Stir in Forest Whitaker, as the head fed, chewing every bit of scenery he could find, a blatant but still lackluster romance between our lady cop and a deputized prisoner, Johnny Knoxville going full-on gun-happy imbecile, and Commando dropping one-liners (sometimes one-worders) and I just can’t keep from laughing giddily throughout. Once again, my immune system fails me in the face of unabashed cinematic crap. This is so bad it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

Fun Size

Directed by Josh Schwartz.

2012. Rated PG-13, 86 minutes.

Cast:

Victoria Justice

Jackson Nicoll

Thomas Mann

Jane Levy

Chelsea Handler

Thomas Middleditch

Johnny Knoxville

Josh Pence

Thomas McDonell

Ana Gasteyer

Kerri Kenney

Instead of going to the Halloween party thrown by the cutest guy in school, Wren (Justice) gets stuck baby-sitting her eight year old little brother Albert (Nicoll) while mom (Handler) hangs out with her way-too-young boyfriend. She loses track of the little scamp while they’re out trick-or-treating. With the help of her friends, she must find him before mom figures out what’s going on and, hopefully, still make it to that party.

I have a lot of issues with this movie. Many of them have to do with Albert. In true movie fashion, the boy relishes his status as missing. He also refuses to talk or obey any rules whatsoever. He goes along with strangers whenever possible, plays with fireworks, and eats practically nothing but candy. Honestly, though, I have less of a problem with what he does than the things that are done to him by the so-called adults around him. For instance, one of the good guys is Fuzzy (Middleditch), the clerk at the convenience store, and a grown man. He doesn't know Albert, he’s only seen him at the local arcade and, therefore, a stranger. Yet, he talks Albert into going with him on a mission to get revenge on his ex-girlfriend’s new beau. I couldn't care less what he’s going to do to whoever that guy is, especially since he’s being played by Johnny Knoxville. However, I do care that it’s being presented as if taking someone else’s child with you anywhere without the permission of anyone in the child’s family is somehow acceptable. Even worse is that is seems the movie itself is cognizant of how dangerous this idea is. Just before Fuzzy drives off with Albert, he says out loud to anyone within earshot “I’m not luring a child into my car!” Of course, that’s exactly what he’s doing. Later, in the hands of other similarly irresponsible “adults,” for lack of a more accurate word, Albert spends time in a fast-food joint, a nightclub and eventually winds up in the house of Knoxville’s creepy character. That last one is entirely of Albert’s own volition, but the movie botches this as well. What turns into his kidnapping is passed off as something Knoxville is in the right for doing. Maybe I’m being an old fuddy-duddy, but for a dad of young children, this is stomach churning stuff. Most surprising it that the people responsible for such a movie are none other than the normally good folks at Nickelodeon. I understand that much of children’s entertainment features absentee parenting, or at least kids that have free reign to do as they please, however, this goes overboard to the point that it is in extremely poor taste. You would think that a company which built an empire on kiddie shows, and claim to have the best interest of children at heart, would know better.

Sorry for the rant. Back to “regular” criticism.

With regards to the rest of the plot, things play out in paint-by-numbers fashion. There are a number of near misses between brother and sister, the cute guy has a crush on our heroine, so does the nerdy guy, and mom has to come to grips with the facts of her life. Yawn. Nothing unexpected happens and almost none of it is funny when it does. As a result, the whole thing runs a scant 86 minutes, but feels at least ten times as long.

Finally, I’m going to have to call a double-fault on Nickelodeon. The PG-13 rating feels incredibly forced. Nothing in the tone or surface content suggest it has to have this rating. Instead, a couple of choice words are slammed into the script where they don’t necessarily have to be. It reeks of someone at the company daring to put out what they think is an edgy production. Of course, it’s anything but. Is it of questionable morality? Yes, but that’s not really grounds for a PG-13. More than anything, it’s proof that movies do indeed have target audiences. My daughters loved it despite me often vocalizing my displeasure. I know, I should've pre-screened this one. The trailer looked harmless enough and the back of the DVD says it’s “an adventure the whole family will love!” Score one for marketing.

MY SCORE: 0/10