31 Days of Horror: Fantasy Island

Goon

Directed by Michael Dowse.

2011. Rated R, 92 minutes.

Cast:

Seann William Scott

Liev Schreiber

Alison Pill

Jay Baruchel

Marc-Andre Grondin

Eugene Levy

David Paetkau

Kim Coates

Jonathan Cherry

Ellen David

Fighting is woven into the fabric of hockey. It is also the only thing Doug Glatt (Scott) does well. He does it so well, it seems inevitable that he’ll wind up busting chops on the rink. While a spectator at a minor league game, he beats up a player in order to protect his obnoxious buddy Pat (Baruchel). This catches the eye of the home team’s coach who immediately recognizes that Doug’s talent for fisticuffs would be an asset and wants him on the roster. After a few quick lessons to sorta learn how to skate, Glatt is on his way to becoming known as Doug “The Thug”. Like an attack dog, he goes after whatever player his coach instructs him to. In hockey circles, he is what’s known as a goon, hence the title. The irony is that, away from the game, Doug is an incredibly nice and genuine guy. He’s not the sharpest blade on the ice, either, if you know what I mean. Still, as dumb luck would have it, he meets a girl. Her name is Eva (Pill) and she’s quite a bit less naïve than he. They have this Forrest and Jenny thing going, albeit a tamer version. Hockey fights and Doug’s awkward attempts to woo Eva ensue.

We also get to see the other side of Doug’s coin. His ascent coincides with the fall of Ross “The Boss” Rhea (Schrieber). He’s at the end of a long and illustrious career of doing just what Doug is doing. In fact, when Doug starts to get a little media attention he’s compared directly to, and even called, the next Ross. Rhea is definitely a more mean spirited sort, though. He’s just been served a lengthy suspension by the NHL for an illegal and damaging hit. He winds up playing in the same league as our hero.

Despite the obvious sports drama and the realistic gore of the fights, Goon is not some serious meditation on the triumph of the human spirit. Instead, it approaches the subject through humor. Indeed, this is a foul-mouthed and bloody comedy that somehow manages sweetness without detracting from the movie’s edgier portions. Many of the funniest moment spring from Doug’s naivete, which some might call his stupidity. Thankfully, he’s cognizant enough to have examined himself and learned his limitations. He’s no genius, but he’s far from the annoying fool played by Paul Rudd in Our Idiot Brother. Doug is an endearing character. We root for him. I’m hardly a Seann William Scott fan. I liked him as Stifler in the very first American Pie, but he’s been playing the same role ever since. Here, he’s broken free of that type-casting and given us a fine piece of acting.

The world around Doug is constructed almost perfectly to allow us to love him. The girl he’s after is cute, but not the unattainable, high maintenance supermodel type comedies usually insist on thrusting into leading lady roles. Ross Rhea’s villainy comes from a place of pride and pain. He’s no maniacal caricature, but a guy protective of his own legacy. We dislike him, but understand him. Doug’s parents don’t understand any of this. Mom (David) and Dad (Levy) are academic types lost in a world that celebrates Neanderthal like behavior.

The one guy who might understand the most is also the single biggest drawback to our viewing experience: Doug’s pal Pat. Everything about him feels forced to generate laughter, except he’s not funny. He’s obnoxious in a way that we hate him, which is problematic because he’s positioned as one of the good guys, someone who is always in our hero’s corner.

Thankfully, Goon overcomes that and a few other flaws, mainly predictability and not enough screen time for Schrieber, to give us a very fun, testosterone laced experience. How else to describe a comedy that begins and ends with copious amounts of bloodshed? Along the way, we laugh often enough, wince more often and still get a “feel good” picture when it’s all said and done. It’s just that the characters don’t look like it feels good.

Sinners and Saints

Directed by William Kaufman.

2010. Rated R, 104 minutes.
Cast:
Johnny Strong
Kevin Phillips
Costas Mandylor
Sean Patrick Flanery

Bas Rutten
Method Man
Kim Coates
Tom Berenger
Jurgen Prochnow
Brooklyn Sudano
Jolene Blalock

Wanna see a good old fashioned shoot ‘em up? Well, it’s not quite old fashioned. This isn’t some black and white western where the smoke from a revolver and the bad guy slumping over then falling off his horse is as graphic as it gets. Au contraire mon frère. This is thousands of rounds being fired from all manner of weaponry. We literally see the hole as its being created for every shot that hits a human body, complete with blood gushing out. Take that into consideration before pressing play. If that sounds like what you’re looking for, have at it.

To put you even more at ease, or disturb you further, Sinners and Saints plays like a remake of the first Lethal Weapon, only gorier. The major “modern” update is that this movie is set in post-Katrina New Orleans. As you may know from the Nicolas Cage vehicle Bad Lieutenant, nothing good happens in ‘Nawlins these days. Ever. Johnny Strong stars as Mel Gibson…er…uh…Det. Sean Riley. Trust me, his real name is far more suited to the character. Instead of putting his own gun in his mouth when he wakes up every morning, he drives down to the cemetery where his son is buried to keep himself depressed. Actually, he sleeps there on most nights. His boy died of leukemia over a year ago and his wife left him shortly after. Apparently, the only thing that makes him feel better is killing people. He does this with great regularity. First on the list is a gang of bad guys he and his partner try to bust in a rickety old house. The partner does something incredibly dumb and takes a bullet in the throat from the obligatory random black drug dealers holed up inside. Of course, Riley goes to work. Gotta establish how much of a badass he is, right? Why yes, the partner dies.

It takes a little while, but we eventually meet our hero’s new partner, Danny Glover. Oops, I meant to say Det. Will Ganz (Phillips). Will is definitely a younger version of Glover's Murtaugh. This means we unfortunately don’t get to hear him say “I’m too old for this…” Otherwise, he’s much the same: black with a wife and two kids he looks forward to seeing at the end of every shift. They keep him grounded, so he’s a lot more level-headed, meaning boring, than Riley. The most interesting part about him is that his lovely wife is played by Brooklyn Sudano who played Vanessa on the sitcom “My Wife and Kids.” This is also the most interesting thing about her, too. Anyhoo, Det. Will is played by Kevin Phillips. This bears mentioning because he’s not even one-tenth the actor Danny Glover is. He delivers every line as if he’s reading it aloud directly from the script. It’s a cringe-worthy performance. Surprisingly, the best acting is done by the underused Method Man. He’s the only one who even makes an attempt at a New Orleans accent. Speech patterns aside, his character is actually interesting and interesting to look at. More of him wouldn’t have hurt.

Believe it, or not, there is a plot. Someone has been slaughtering whole houses full of people. A reporter and his family get killed, later a fake ID maker and his cohorts, etc. At least one person in each case is set on fire, doused, and set on fire a few more times until dying. Nice. Well, its up to our heroes Super Mel and Bland Danny to figure out how these cases are related and catch whoever is responsible. Meanwhile, Super Mel is being investigated by Internal Affairs because people keep winding up dead in his presence. By the way, Tom Berenger plays the ornery captain that keeps tabs on him.

The problem with S and S is that it gets to be rather silly without being aware of this, at all. Like many cop flicks before it, and as I’ve already beaten into the ground, the construct is pretty much ripped from Lethal Weapon, but it has none of that franchises sense of humor. It’s a somber, brooding affair that takes itself dreadfully serious. Meanwhile, Super Mel is routinely outdueling groups of high-powered automatic weapon wielding professional killers with just his nine millimeter and athletic prowess. Why yes, these pro killers are expert shots whenever they’re not shooting at our hero. It starts out as cool, but as Super Mel does more and more amazing feats it gets to be overwhelming. My brother watched it with me and he put it best: “All this dude’s missing is a cape.”

MY SCORE: 5/10