Sinners and Saints

Directed by William Kaufman.

2010. Rated R, 104 minutes.
Cast:
Johnny Strong
Kevin Phillips
Costas Mandylor
Sean Patrick Flanery

Bas Rutten
Method Man
Kim Coates
Tom Berenger
Jurgen Prochnow
Brooklyn Sudano
Jolene Blalock

Wanna see a good old fashioned shoot ‘em up? Well, it’s not quite old fashioned. This isn’t some black and white western where the smoke from a revolver and the bad guy slumping over then falling off his horse is as graphic as it gets. Au contraire mon frère. This is thousands of rounds being fired from all manner of weaponry. We literally see the hole as its being created for every shot that hits a human body, complete with blood gushing out. Take that into consideration before pressing play. If that sounds like what you’re looking for, have at it.

To put you even more at ease, or disturb you further, Sinners and Saints plays like a remake of the first Lethal Weapon, only gorier. The major “modern” update is that this movie is set in post-Katrina New Orleans. As you may know from the Nicolas Cage vehicle Bad Lieutenant, nothing good happens in ‘Nawlins these days. Ever. Johnny Strong stars as Mel Gibson…er…uh…Det. Sean Riley. Trust me, his real name is far more suited to the character. Instead of putting his own gun in his mouth when he wakes up every morning, he drives down to the cemetery where his son is buried to keep himself depressed. Actually, he sleeps there on most nights. His boy died of leukemia over a year ago and his wife left him shortly after. Apparently, the only thing that makes him feel better is killing people. He does this with great regularity. First on the list is a gang of bad guys he and his partner try to bust in a rickety old house. The partner does something incredibly dumb and takes a bullet in the throat from the obligatory random black drug dealers holed up inside. Of course, Riley goes to work. Gotta establish how much of a badass he is, right? Why yes, the partner dies.

It takes a little while, but we eventually meet our hero’s new partner, Danny Glover. Oops, I meant to say Det. Will Ganz (Phillips). Will is definitely a younger version of Glover's Murtaugh. This means we unfortunately don’t get to hear him say “I’m too old for this…” Otherwise, he’s much the same: black with a wife and two kids he looks forward to seeing at the end of every shift. They keep him grounded, so he’s a lot more level-headed, meaning boring, than Riley. The most interesting part about him is that his lovely wife is played by Brooklyn Sudano who played Vanessa on the sitcom “My Wife and Kids.” This is also the most interesting thing about her, too. Anyhoo, Det. Will is played by Kevin Phillips. This bears mentioning because he’s not even one-tenth the actor Danny Glover is. He delivers every line as if he’s reading it aloud directly from the script. It’s a cringe-worthy performance. Surprisingly, the best acting is done by the underused Method Man. He’s the only one who even makes an attempt at a New Orleans accent. Speech patterns aside, his character is actually interesting and interesting to look at. More of him wouldn’t have hurt.

Believe it, or not, there is a plot. Someone has been slaughtering whole houses full of people. A reporter and his family get killed, later a fake ID maker and his cohorts, etc. At least one person in each case is set on fire, doused, and set on fire a few more times until dying. Nice. Well, its up to our heroes Super Mel and Bland Danny to figure out how these cases are related and catch whoever is responsible. Meanwhile, Super Mel is being investigated by Internal Affairs because people keep winding up dead in his presence. By the way, Tom Berenger plays the ornery captain that keeps tabs on him.

The problem with S and S is that it gets to be rather silly without being aware of this, at all. Like many cop flicks before it, and as I’ve already beaten into the ground, the construct is pretty much ripped from Lethal Weapon, but it has none of that franchises sense of humor. It’s a somber, brooding affair that takes itself dreadfully serious. Meanwhile, Super Mel is routinely outdueling groups of high-powered automatic weapon wielding professional killers with just his nine millimeter and athletic prowess. Why yes, these pro killers are expert shots whenever they’re not shooting at our hero. It starts out as cool, but as Super Mel does more and more amazing feats it gets to be overwhelming. My brother watched it with me and he put it best: “All this dude’s missing is a cape.”

MY SCORE: 5/10

Saw: The Final Chapter

Directed by Kevin Greutert.

2010. Rated R, 90 minutes.
Cast:
Tobin Bell
Costas Mandylor
Betsy Russell
Cary Elwes
Sean Patrick Flanery
Gina Holden
Laurence Anthony
Chad Donella

Jigsaw (Bell) is back! Well, sorta. He’s actually been dead for several movies now. To be sure, this is America’s favorite torture-porn franchise and it’s back for a seventh installment. We still get to see our twisted game master through flashbacks and hear his voice on all those ominous tapes that explain those games. I swear, this guy has left behind more recordings than Tupac. As has been the case for the  last couple movies, Jigsaw’s work is carried on by Det. Hoffman (Mandylor) who finds himself in a war with Jigsaw’s widow Jill Tuck (Russell). You may remember she ended Saw VI by  trying to kill him. She enlists the help of Det. Gibson (Donella) who apparently knows and has a beef with Hoffman. Finally, there’s Bobby (Flanery of Boondock Saints fame). He’s a Jigsaw survivor who’s written a best-seller about his ordeal.

As you can see there are a lot of pieces to this jigsaw puzzle. Unfortunately, when they’re put together they still don’t make any sense. The biggest problem is we have two different movies going on at the same time. On one hand, we have the Hoffman/Jill fued. This tries to advance the plot from the better than expected part VI, but it hardly feels like a Saw flick. On  the other hand, the story of Bobby, along with brief but gruesome asides involving a love triangle and a group of racists, seems to fit the franchise motif. Sadly, neither storyline seems to have anything to do with the other. Helping to fog things up even more, the movie itself appears to have no idea who’s doing what. Rhyme and reason are this chapter’s real casualties. They are left for dead as we rush along to see how the next person will die.

Many a horror flick has been guilty of that same exact sin. For various reasons, I’ve enjoyed lots of them. One of those reasons is the morbid sense of humor on display. The Final Chapter has no sense of humor whatsoever. Like the rest of the franchise, it takes itself dreadfully serious. Our dueling plots joylessly lurch forward dragging our butchered carcass through the murderous traps until we rach perhaps the most eye-rollingly bad climax of the series.

There are plenty of disgusting moments for gore-hounds. The human body is cut, impaled, squashed and ripped apart. More accurately, a number of painfully obvious dummies and rubber body parts are mutilated. This is a sad step down from the rest of the series which got the gore part right in even the worst of the series. Still, these scenes are what people come for and are easily the highlight of the film. The rest of it lacks both cohesion and a funny bone, making us feel like the ones in an inescapable trap. The makers have claimed this will be the last of the Saw movies. If this is the best they could muster for then I hope it truly is “game over.”

MY SCORE: 2/10

Kaw

Directed by Sheldon Wilson.
2007. Rated R, 85 minutes.
Cast:
Sean Patrick Flanery
Stephen McHattie
Kristin Booth
John Ralston
Megan Park
Vladimir Bondarenko
Ashley Newbrough
Rod Taylor
Michelle Duquet

Ravens have long been foreboding, even gothic creatures. The sight of one can give you that uneasy feeling something bad is about to happen. Think about it. The vision of Baltimore Ravens star linebacker Ray Lewis coming out of the tunnel doing his ridiculous, rhythmless war-dance makes you think he’s about to do something horrible to someone in a different color jersey. The rise to prominence of Raven Symone was an ominous warning that we were all about to be subjects under the iron thumb of Hannah Montana. Of course, there’s also one of the most famous and unsettling poems in the history of the written word, “The Raven” by one of my favorite writers of all time, Edgar Allan Poe.

In this cinematic offering, I mean SyFy original, the dreaded birds have evolved from foreshadowers of gloom and doom to a flock of vengeful and homicidal fowls. The poor old guy at the beginning makes the unfortunate mistake of backing over one with his tractor. Next thing you know, he’s surrounded by more ravens than he can count and they proceed to peck him to death. Seriously. Whatever, the important part is more mayhem involving wild birds ensues.

As is always the case in movies like this, it’s up to the local sheriff to figure things out. In this case, the sheriff is played by Sean Patrick Flanery of the Boondock Saints movies. Talk about your ominous signs. Of course, he acts as our thought process, thinking out loud for us. Sadly, the only thing he actually figures out is that these are indeed ravens, not crows, of which he dutifully informs the townfolk, the whole dozen. By the way, I find it hilarious that no one in this place, presumably set during the present, has a cell phone. Don’t they issue those at birth, nowadays? I mean, the whole town is shut down because “the phone lines are down.” Really?

True, certain people aren’t supposed to have cell phones. In this case, those people are the Mennonites who also share the community. Apparently, there are only three of them, but whatever. If you’re unfamiliar with Mennonites, suffice it to say they’re similar to the Amish. Of course, that’s at the risk of insulting both groups, but you get the point. So against modernization are the Mennonites, at least in this movie, they refer to the other people in town as “the children of the English.” If that reference floats over your dome, think the children of the original colonists in “the New World”, a few centuries ago. The Mennonites are important here because they made a little boo boo that may have led to making the local ravens, um, ravenous. Okay, I couldn’t resist. Anyhoo, the question becomes is this some sort of punishment from God, or is something else going on?

That sounds interesting. However, it is executed poorly. The writing isn’t strong enough to overcome the inherent silliness of the plot. It’s definitely not Hitchcock. The acting is only passable and save for one tiny moment, a throwaway jump-scare, it never even threatens to frighten us. Instead, we simply sit back and peck at its flaws. Did I do that, again? Sorry. Strangely enough, the town doctor (Taylor) is somehow exempt from all the incompetence. During each of his brief moments, he seems to have dropped in from a much better movie to impart some wisdom through insightful dialogue delivered by good acting. Weird. Oh, almost forgot, did you know that ravens are evidently man-eating? And canine-eating, too? Me, neither! Amazing. As you can see, the unintentional humor factor is fairly high, but it never gets to “so bad, it’s awesome.” It’s just bad.

Let's get back to Poe for a moment because I can’t bear to think anymore about this movie. However, it did help me better interpret the master’s poem. Since most of us haven’t read it since high school and have forgotten it, or haven’t reached high school and haven’t read it yet, I’ll give you a quick recap. Edgar…er…the speaker is up late one night trying to get some reading done, but he keeps dozing off. Seeing how we’re talking Poe, there’s a coin flip’s chance there are some narcotics involved, but I digress. He hears some strange noises coming from outside and decides to investigate. He finds a raven perched above his door and pretty much drops a load in his britches, fretting over what possible news the bird could be bringing. He asks the bird a bunch of questions, mostly about his beloved Lenore. The raven answers each inquiry with a single word, nevermore. Of course, this makes him assume the worst and totally blows his high…er…wrecks his night. After dozens of reads, the aforementioned knowledge of Poe’s recreational habits and watching this film, I finally get it. Poe was standing outside his door at midnight talking to a bird and hoping for a proper response, but the raven kept saying the only thing a raven could say, “kaw!”

MY SCORE: 2/10

The Boondock Saints

Directed by Troy Duffy.
1999. Rated R, 108 minutes.
Cast:
Sean Patrick Flanery
Norman Reedus
Willem Dafoe
David Della Rocco
Billy Connolly
Gerard Parkes
David Ferry
Brian Mahoney
Bob Marley

After a skirmish with some of the local soldiers of the Russian mob, the McManus brothers, Connor (Flanery) and Murphy (Reedus) decide to become vigilantes. They start going after Boston’s bad guys in order to dole out their own brand of justice.

The dialogue is mostly sharp and often funny. Characters relate to one another in a manner that somehow feels natural despite the unnatural circumstances in which they find themselves. Director and writer Troy Duffy’s prose owes a lot to Guy Ritchie’s Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and even more to the canon of Quentin Tarantino. This is most noticeable when the characters have conversations that seem to be pointless but help establish personalities and more noticeably when they reference pop culture.

The action scenes are also a plus. They’re fun, bloody and don’t always go according to plan. Through the flashbacks they’re shown through we discover that our heroes are generally sloppy in their work. That helps endear them to us. They don’t seem to be indestructible beings mowing down hundreds of faceless villains. True, they defy the odds but they seem lucky to do so.

To me, the best part of the movie is Willem Dafoe. As Agent Smecker, the federal agent assigned to find out who’s killing all the crooks, Dafoe is marvelous. He’s certainly over the top, but he does it so well. From his opening scene where he’s dancing through the alley while concocting a theory through his near last scene in a dress, it’s a virtuoso performance. Some will say it’s too much, but to me it’s perfectly suited to the movie it’s in.

The problems become apparent the closer we get to the end. For instance, once we meet Il Duce it’s like the air gets let out of the balloon. At that point, TBS crosses the line from being ridiculous in a fun way to just being ridiculous. The contrived court-room scene is worst of all. It reeks of trying to be cool instead of actually being so.

In all, it’s a fun movie that does what it wants: entertain us with witty, occasionally quotable dialogue and stylized violence. However, it can’t quite overcome it’s shortcomings to really be great. It never outdoes the movies it emulates. A copy is never as sharp as the original.


MY SCORE: 6.5/10