Mirror Mirror

Directed by Tarsem Singh.

2012. Rated PG, 106 minutes.

Cast:

Julia Roberts

Lily Collins

Armie Hammer

Nathan Lane

Michael Lerner

Jordan Prentice

Danny Woodburn

Mark Povinelli

Martin Klebba

Ronald Lee Clark

Sean Bean

By now, the only reasons to dig up any of the known fairy tales are to subvert or deconstruct them. Mirror Mirror does neither, opting for yet another pretty straightforward retelling of “Snow White.” Sure, there are minor changes here and there, but nothing that would actually justify its existence. Don’t get me wrong. MM is not necessarily a bad movie. It’s just not necessary.

The main change in this version of the classic is that the proceedings are narrated by the Evil Queen (Roberts) who swears this is her story. She’s taxing the citizens of the kingdom so much and spending that money so fast, both they and she are broke. She inherited the kingdom from her late husband, whom she had killed, of course. Snow White (Collins) is locked away but manages to storm out of her quarters for the occasional temper tantrum. She even manages to sneak into one of the Queen’s balls which is where she meets the handsome Prince Alcott (Hammer). One of the Queen’s minions is tasked to kill the girl. However, he has not the heart. He marches her out to the woods and basically tells her to get lost and stay that way.

All of this leads to the other big change in MM. Snow White eventually runs into The Seven Dwarves. These guys don’t whistle while they work. That’s because bandits have to be quiet before they attack. See, these dwarves run around on stilts and rob anyone who ventures into the woods. Gone are the iconic names like Dopey, Sleepy, etc. and the personalities that come with them. This is a fairly indistinguishable lot. All we really need to know is that Snow White assumes the role of Robin Hood and they, her merry men. To this end, she gets to do most of the saving of her own day. I suppose this could be considered another twist but even that’s old hat, these days.

In other words, MM progresses as a Snow White movie must. Much of our time is spent watching Julia Roberts have a grand time being evil. She chews scenery with boundless verve in both of her roles. She also plays the mirror, by the way. It can either be fun to watch or painfully annoying. I wouldn’t fault anyone who thought it was either. Regardless of which way you lean, you’ll agree the movie is fairly lifeless when she’s not on the screen. Even the kids in the target audience are likely to have a “been there, done that” reaction to it all. I fully expect there are legions of little girls that proclaim this “the bestest movie evar!” I’ve no problem with that. After all, it’s a story about a princess. I’m just not sure they’ve gotten anything different than they’ve already gotten from dozens of other movies.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

Priest

Directed by Scott Charles Stewart.

2011. Rated PG-13, 87 minutes.
Cast:
Paul Bettany
Karl Urban
Cam Gigandet
Maggie Q
Christopher Plummer

Lily Collins
Brad Dourif
Stephen Moyer
Josh Wingate
Alan Dale

Generally speaking, there are two types of vampires. The first type is a tortured soul who hates what he’s become. The idea of feeding on humans disgusts them. He views his immortality as more of curse than a gift. The other type has completely bought in to the Prince of Darkness persona. He’s very charming, yet manipulative, overtly sexual, sadistic and just thoroughly evil. As we’ve seen in nearly a century’s worth of vampire movies and books, there is plenty to be mined in the depths of either type. Unfortunately, Priest tries to reinvent the wheel and fail’s miserably. The vampires here are eyeless, saber toothed greenish monsters that crawl around on all fours. Applause should be given for trying to take the genre in a new direction. However, like in the Wrong Turn movies, it’s not a direction we should’ve went.

As the story goes, man and vampire have been warring since the beginning of time. Vamps were getting the best of it, so much so that humans literally walled themselves into makeshift cities where everything is controlled by the church. Somehow that’s not really explained, a group of super soldiers called Priests rise up and kill most of the creatures of the night, herding the remainders onto reservations. Since they’re no longer needed the Priests have faded into normal society. That’s a bit difficult considering each one of them has a tattoo of a cross splattered on their face.

We focus on, um, Priest (Bettany). He was once the leader of a squad of Priests and still has nightmares about the one guy he lost. Within a few minutes we find out that the lost guy, Black Hat (Urban) is now leading around a pack of vampires around. Don’t blame me, they didn’t give these guys regular names. And yes, I said a pack of vampires. We’ll get to that later. Anyhoo, Black Hat’s first stop is at Priest’s brothers house. No, this isn’t within the walls of the city. This is on a barren farm way out in the middle of nowhere. The vamps kill the brother and his wife, then kidnap their daughter. Taking none too kindly to having his niece abducted, Priest hooks up with the farm town’s very young sheriff Hicks (Gigandet) and springs into action. By the way, the higher ups in the church forbid this and send four other Priests to bring him back, dead or alive. Actually, the higher ups don’t do anything except get shouted down by Monsignor Orelas (Plummer) who gives the order to track down our hero. Did I mention that he said dead or alive? Just checking.

As a first person shooter or an RPG on your video game console of choice, what follows would probably be fun. The source material seems suited for this. I guess here is where I should mention Priest is based on yet another graphic novel I’m not cool enough to have even heard of. Were the fans of this book railing so loudly that Hollywood had to oblige them with a big screen adaptation? I seriously doubt it.

The problem starts with the vampires. They seem not to be able of intelligent thought, let alone formulating evil plans to conquer the world. This includes the one vampire all of this is attributed to. Spoiler Alert!!!: This vampire barely has a presence and should play a prominent role in a sequel, if one is ever made. As a whole, the vampires don’t impress as a real threat to humanity. Sure, they’re a physical threat, but are every bit as vulnerable to our weapons as any other animal plus they can’t come out during the day. Instead of a race that aspires to world domination, they’re much more a nocturnal pack of rabid dogs roaming the wastelands. I told you we’d get back to the “pack” thing, didn’t I?

Our threat comes in the way of Black Hat, the former Priest. Though they treat it as some big secret, the deal is he’s a “human vampire.” Basically, it just means he’s like Blade, if you’re familiar with that comic book hero. Of course, the difference is that Black Hat is a bad guy. He helps because he’s by far the most interesting character in the movie. Actually, Monsignor Orelas is the most interesting character. That’s mostly because he’s played by Christopher Plummer, but I digress. Our hero is exceedingly bland, his sidekick is a waste of space and the potential for a love interest is telegraphed far in advance, but only given an infantessimal moment of no consequence. Why yes, silly, her name is Priestess. The few almost intimate seconds they share isn’t enough to make these characters three dimensional, just a sad reminder that they could’ve been. Likewise for the movie’s one twist. By the time it happens we don’t care anymore. On top of all this, Priest is also similar in tone and confrontation with the church as Legion. This is no mere coincidence since that movie has the same director and star.

Both the not quite there love affair and thrown in twist make the entire movie feel rushed. Instead of developing anything at all, we’re merely hurried off from one action sequence to the next. The overall effect is we feel like we’ve just watched someone else play a video game for an hour while they us their other controller is broken. To make matters worse, one of their “better” friends comes over and starts using it with no problems. I like playing video games. I don’t like watching other people play them.

MY SCORE: 3/10

The Blind Side

Directed by John Lee Hancock.
2009. Rated PG-13, 128 minutes.
Cast:
Sandra Bullock
Quinton Aaron
Tim McGraw
Jae Head
Lily Collins
Kathy Bates
Ray McKinnon
Tom Nowicki
Melody Weintraub
Sharon Morris

Plot: The Tuohy family, at the urging of fiery matriarch Leigh Ann (Bullock), take in Michael Oher (Aaron), a homeless and academically challenged boy who attends the same school as their children. Michael turns out to be a highly sought after football prospect. Based on a true story.

The Good: It bends the sports underdog genre on its ear by making the person who helps the underdog the protagonist. In this case, that person is Leigh Ann Tuohy, played brazenly by Sandra Bullock. It’s perhaps the best performance of her career. Accordingly, it earned her an Oscar for Best Actress. As a whole, the movie knows when to utilize its sense of humor and when to press our emotional buttons. That timely alternating keeps us locked in, fully vested in the Tuohy family mission.

The Bad: Alas, genre clichés still abound. We think we know every obstacle before it approaches. Moments later, our suspicions are confirmed. This combines with the fact that the story it’s based on is of extremely recent vintage to sap the film of any real sense of mystery. The questions of race and budding sexuality are too neatly wrapped up within one scene. As far as race is concerned, it's content to be another film in which near-perfect white people save a damaged black kid from the ghetto. Both race and sexuality are quickly swept under the rug by a short speech in which Leigh Ann shouts down her naysayers. Perhaps more importantly, because we knew the racial dynamics going in, the question of just how Michael’s grades rose so quickly is never really addressed. This could be because of a scene in which Leigh Ann confronts one of Michael’s teachers and says “All the other teachers are on board. What’s your problem?” Hmmm, is there something else we need to know? The movie as a whole just seems too afraid to veer from the path to “happily ever after” to tackle the tough issues.

The Ugly: Now, that’s how you finish a block.

Recommendation: This is probably the best “feel-good” movie of 2009. Like a good football team, is has a game plan and executes it well. It never surprises us one bit, but that’s okay because it entertains us and engages us. If you’re prone to crying over movies, keep some tissue nearby.

The Opposite View: Melissa Anderson, Village Voice

What the Internet Says: 7.7/10 on imdb.com (5/26/10), 67% on rottentomatoes.com, 53/100 on metacritic.com


MY SCORE: 7/10