47 Ronin

Directed by Carl Rinsch.

2013. Rated PG-13, 118 minutes.

Cast:

Keanu Reeves

Hiroyuki Sanada

Tadanabu Asano

Rinko Kikuchi

Ko Shibasaki

Min Tanaka

Jin Akanishi

Masayoshi Haneda

Gedde Watanabe

We find out right away that Ronin are samurais who have disgraced their masters. Then, we don't meet any of them for a really, really long time. And the ones we do meet, we don't care about.

Oh, wait. I'm getting way ahead of myself.

Let's start with Kai (Reeves). A long time ago in a galaxy not far enough away, he's a young man who is the foster son of the good Lord Asano (Tanaka). However, since he's of interracial descent, Japanese and white, he isn't the most popular guy in town. You know things are bad when you non-chalantly answer to "half-breed." For this reason, and because he's played by Keanu Reeves, Kai seems eternally depressed and wears a blank expression on his face. That's before we even get to the real bad things that happen to him. That stuff starts when Lord Kira (Asano) and his personal sorceress, the very creatively named Witch (Kikuchi) show up. She tricks Lord Asano into committing a heinous crime for which he is sentenced to death. His right hand man Oishi (Sanada) is branded a Ronin and thrown into a hole in the ground. Asano's daughter Mika (Shibasaki) is told she will marry Kira in one year's time. Kai, our hero, is promptly sold into slavery. When that year passes, Oishi is let out of his hole, tracks down Kai plus 46 fellow Ronin, and go after Kira. This is all very loosely based on a true story. Really loosely. Matter of fact, if you have any knowledge of it, just scrap it for the purpose of watching this movie. Hell, I'm even going to pick apart my own summary of the film for you. Out of everything I just wrote, here's what you need to know: it's all over a girl. That's it.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

It should have been.

Instead, the movie plays out in an excruciatingly convoluted and increasingly boring fashion. It mixes Samurai lore with the purely mystical to less than thrilling effect. It's bread and butter should be sword heavy martial arts. When it gives us this, the movie is at least a little fun. Unfortunately, it spends far more time with our hero and his "friends" tip-toeing around in the woods talking to magical beings and spouting pseudo-philosophical declarations at one another. It wants to be Takashi Miike's 13 Assassins, but with a supernatural element. it's actually an even messier and far less exciting version of 2011's Conan the Barbarian, itself an incoherent slab of movie. This is definitely prettier, having some top notch production values. However, I'll say what I've said before. Pretty pictures do not a movie make. In this case, it's lipstick on a pig. That might make it a great looking pig, but I still don't want to kiss it.

You know what? I haven't even dug into Keanu Reeves' performance, yet. Or, should I say his lack of one? Truthfully, it's no more or less than what I expect. He gave us a non-descript villain in the better, but not great Man of Tai Chi. Here? You watch it and let me know if you detect a pulse. I'd say his rebranding of himself as a martial arts star isn't going too well. A quick glance at the numbers seem to refute my assessment, though. 47 Ronin stumbled its way to a $150 million take at the box office. However, you have to factor in what it cost to make such a beautiful mess. It had a budget of $175 million. Yeah, I'm right. Always.

Anchorman 2: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Directed by Adam McKay.

2013. Rated PG-13, 119 minutes.

Cast:

Will Ferrell

Steve Carell

Christina Applegate

Paul Rudd

David Koechner

Meagan Good

James Marsden

Kristen Wiig

Dylan Baker

Fred Willard

Harrison Ford

When we first catch back up to Ron Burgundy (Ferrell), he's co-anchoring the evening news in New York City with his wife Veronica (Applegate) at the dawn of the 1980s. Together, they share a happy marriage which includes their son Walter (Nelson). However, things fall apart instantly when Ron is passed over for a promotion to anchor the nightly national news show in favor of his wife. Soon, he's living in San Francisco, alone, and miserable because he's out of the news game all together. His fortunes change when he's hired by GNN, the first 24 hour news network. Blues Brothers style, he gets the band back together and travels back to the Big Apple for their new gig. Once there, he finds himself not only in competition for viewers with his estranged wife, but also with his own network's prime-time guy Jack Lime (Marsden). This is especially daunting given his 2 AM time slot. Hijinks and shenanigans ensue.

Anchorman 2 bolts out of the starting gates. The first half of the movie is as funny as the original. Part of this is due to how effectively it builds steam during the setup phase. It takes advantage of our excitement for seeing the crew back together by re-introducing the characters in brilliant ways. The most fun re-introduction belongs to Brick Tamland (Carell) and involves his funeral. In fact, Brick is probably the most fun character in the entire film. Also fun is the ambiguous feelings for Ron that Champ Kind (Koechner) displays through his actions. There are also a number of jokes rehashed from the original. However, they work early on. It's remarkable given the fact if you've seen the first movie, you're pretty much guaranteed to remember how funny those bits were.

While the re-introductions of old characters, intros to the new ones, and the occasional rehashing of familiar bits carries the first act, our source of humor changes a bit for act two. We focus squarely on tying those early days of cable to the current state of news reporting. For those of us old enough to remember what it was like back when there were only three major networks and news only came on at six and eleven, this is a sharp satire and truncation of three and a half decades of news dissemination. For younger viewers, it is at least effective at reminding you what things were like before the age of Twitter. The movie also gets mileage out of Ron Burgundy trying to get to know his son, the competition between Burgundy and Jack Lime, and the dynamics of interracial relationships. It does that last thing by putting Burgundy together with Linda Jackson (Good), his boss who happens to be both female and black, two facts that gave Ron and the boys cause for pause. Admittedly, it never really does anything other than use it for an excuse for Burgundy to act like an imbecile. It tries to show the ignorance of stereotypes, but loses something because Ron never gets it.

All the steam we've coasted on for the first two thirds of the movie is lost when the third act starts. Simply put, the whole thing falls apart. The first thing is that all the loose strands come together quickly, but the movie keeps going as if they hadn't. Therefore, the climax is drawn out and unfunny. The effectiveness of re-using jokes from the first movie peters out because they go to the well one too many time. On that last trip, they also bring out way too large a bucket. Not content to merely copy what happened the first time around, the movie crams itself full of what seems like the most cameos in cinematic history. The problem is that the movie assumes that seeing these familiar faces is inherently funny rather than giving them something funny to do. It wants us to go "Ha ha, that's Will Smith, hahahahahaha." However, it only gives us enough material to say "Hey, that's Will Smith." See the difference?

The nosedive taken at the end of the movie makes Anchorman 2 a frustrating experience. We're enjoying ourselves for quite a while. Next thing you know, we're cringing at how bad things have gotten. It flipped from being slyly clever in a way that appears stupid to actually being stupid. Even the cast seems worn out by this time. Our main characters don't have much to do and seem to be going through the motions for what they do have. It's pretty apparent because, like the rest of the movie, they had so much life earlier. They become relegated to the sidelines while a bunch of celebrities hijack the end of the movie for no good reason, at all. Maybe the writers or director Adam McKay didn't know how to end it, or couldn't agree on it. In any event, they did not reach the right conclusion.

MY SCORE: 6.5/10

Thursday Movie Picks: Movies that Feature Food

Happy Thursday! It's time once again for me to give you three suggestions based on a theme selected by Wanderer at Wandering Through the Shelves. I've had a lot of fun with this weekly blogathon. I enjoy the challenge it provides me each week. Feel free to join us because it's never too late to get in on the action.

With the formalities out of the way, let's get to the table. I mean that literally because this week's theme is Movies that Feature Food. In general, with these Thursday picks, I've been unearthing hidden gems. Let's cook up another batch of them. We all like to try a new dish every now and again, right? Well, this week I'm serving up two documentaries and yet another 'hood classic. Have a seat, loosen your belt, bless the table if you'd like, and dig in.

Appetizer:

Soul Food

(1997)

Generally, I wouldn't call soul food anyone's appetizer. Trust me, there's more than enough to get you full. However, in the case of this movie and this week's theme, this should be just enough to hold you over until the main course arrives. It's a kitchen sink drama about a family with all sorts of problems. It is also about the gravitational pull of good food as it becomes a binding force in these people's lives. With the drama getting a bit spicy at times, we can dip it in the comedy sauce from time to time and get a decent laugh. Our cooks include Vanessa Williams, Vivica A. Fox, Mekhi Phifer, and my beloved Nia Long. And yes, the dreaded (by me, at least) Chef Tyler Perry has built his entire career around emulating this movie.

Entree:

A Place at the Table

(2012)

For our main course, we'll go with something that's going to stick to your ribs. Hunger is a huge problem here in the U.S. Many of those who aren't hungry are still malnourished because of the types of food they can afford. Simply put, eating healthy is expensive. This documentary examines the issue with a heavy focus on our broken school lunch system and food stamp programs. We also meet several families from different areas of the country and look deeply into their circumstances.

Dessert:

Jiro Dreams of Sushi

(2011)

I'll admit, Soul Food is a big appetizer and A Place at the Table is a rather heavy entree. Still, I can't let you leave without trying our sushi. You say sushi isn't a dessert? I beg to differ, at least in this case. Jiro Dreams of Sushi is such a sweet movie, I've no choice but to put it here. This documentary focuses on Jiro, a man with the most renowned sushi restaurant in the world. In fact, there is nothing else on his menu. He works tirelessly to perfect the craft of making it and has been doing so since World War II. Put short, the man is an artist. (Read my full review)


Once you take in all that, you should be full and ready for a nap. If not,...

Click here for more of my Thursday Movie Picks.

R.I.P. Lauren Bacall

September 16, 1924 - August 12, 2014

Many of us are still reeling from the untimely passing of Robin Williams. However, another Hollywood legend has also left us. Lauren Bacall passed away yesterday at the age of 89.

Her death provides an interesting contrast with that of Williams. Since she was 89 and hasn't been in the public spotlight for many years, her passing is something we more readily accept. It's not something we feel the need to make a big fuss over. That's not to diminish who she was, just that the way she left us feels more organic. It's part of the natural order of things.

As for me, personally, I must say I'm woefully disconnected to Bacall. I recognize her status as one of the true starlets of her era, but somehow she's escaped me. To this point, at least. Looking over her filmography, I'm pretty sure the only thing I've seen her in is Key Largo opposite Humphrey Bogart. I love the movie, and love her in it, but just haven't gotten around to seeing any more of her work. Still, just knowing she's gone creates a bit of an empty spot.

Pointless Lists: Greatest Talking Animals

Yesterday, I gushed over Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. This got me to thinking about Caesar's place in another world, the one of talking animals in movies. There have been plenty. I'll be the first to admit that once you're passed the age of twelve most of us, myself included, hate most of them. However, there are a few that sneak through our defenses and find a warm spot in our heart.

For this list, I gave myself a set of simple rules to follow. First, the character in question has to be a real animal that can be found here on Earth (even if they aren't on Earth in their movie). Therefore, Falcor the luck dragon from A Neverending Story, nor any other type of dragon, will not be making an appearance. Second, the character can't be represented as a replica of the real thing. This means no Ted or Lots-O'-Huggin' as they are stuffed animals, not actual animals. Lastly, the animal has to appear completely as such. I mean, being played by a guy (or girl) in a suit is okay, but human features cannot be visible. Bye bye, Cowardly Lion.

Now that the criteria is set, let's get to the actual list. In my opinion, and certainly not a definitive list by any stretch, these are the ten greatest talking animals in movies.

10. Sid

(voiced by John Leguizamo)

Natural Habitat: The Ice Age movies

What is he? A three-toed sloth

What do smart people call them? Bradypodidae

Fun Fact: Sloths only come down out of the tree they live in to urinate or defecate, once a week

He speaks with a lisp, isn't the sharpest prehistoric bone, and generally gets on the nerves of everyone around him. You know what? I love him for it. Through four movies, with a fifth on the way, Sid gives us probably 90% of all the funny moments not given to us by the non-talking squirrel.

9. Aslan

(voiced by Liam Neeson)

Natural Habitat: The Chronicles of Narnia franchise

What is he? A lion.

What do smart people call them? Panthera Leo

Fun Fact: Male lions sleep up to 21 hours a day

This lion is not just the king of the jungle, but of everything. I mean that literally, as in that biblical "King of Kings" sort of way. Given that, it's no surprise that he's wise, brave, and well, god-like.

8. Puss in Boots

(voiced by Antonio Banderas)

Natural Habitat: Shrek sequels and prequels

What is he? A domestic shorthair tabby, or a cute li'l kitty cat - your choice

What do smart people call them? Felis silvestris catus

Fun Fact: The technical term for a cat's hairball is "bezoar"

You gotta love a sword fighting cat that's also a ladies' man, right? If you don't, he'll melt your cold, icy heart with the most pitiful set of sad eyes you've ever seen. I mean, can we get Puss in Boots 2 already?

7. Po

(voiced by Jack Black)

Natural Habitat: Kung Fu Panda movies

What is he? A panda

What do smart people call them? Ailuropoda melanoleuca

Fun Fact: Pandas spend roughly 16 hours a day eating

Simply put, I love the Kung Fu Panda franchise. Both function as wonderful kiddie-flicks and excellent martial arts movies. Po is at the center of it all, giving us a terrific hero and probably the best character Jack Black has ever played.

6. Roger Rabbit

(voiced by Charles Fleischer)

Natural Habitat: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

What is he? A rabbit

What do smart people call them? Oryctolagus cuniculus

Fun Fact: In the wild some female rabbits can produce about eight litters of bunnies per year.

Okay, I'll be honest. Roger is here mostly because I've never seen a good Bugs Bunny movie. However, that doesn't make him any less fun a character. Besides that, he has arguably the hottest wife of all time. I mean, after mine, of course.

5. Jiminy Cricket

(voiced by Cliff Edwards)

Natural Habitat: Pinocchio and all things Disney

What is he? A cricket

What do smart people call them? Gryllus assimilis

Fun Fact: Crickets' ears are located on the knees of their front legs

More than just a cute little fellow in an adorable suit, Jiminy actually provides our hero with a conscience. He is the angel sitting on the wooden boy's shoulder.

4. Scar

(voiced by Jeremy Irons)

Natural Habitat: The Lion King

What is he? A lion.

What do smart people call them? Panthera Leo

Fun Fact: The roar of a lion can be heard five miles away

I know that Mufasa's iconic voice is provided by the legendary James Earl Jones. I know that Simba is the hero. However, watch The Lion King again and tell me it's not Scar who makes the movie tick.

3. Dory

(voiced by Ellen DeGeneres)

Natural Habitat: Finding Nemo

What is she? A regal blue tang

What do smart people call them? Paracanthurus hepatus

Fun Fact: Blue tangs are capable of adjusting the intensity of their hue - from light blue to deep purple

Finally, we have a female on the list. Sadly, she's the only one. However, this doesn't make her any less deserving as she is by far my favorite character in a great movie. I can't wait for Finding Dory.

2. Napoleon

(voiced by Maurice Denham)

Natural Habitat: Animal Farm

What is he? A domestic pig

What do smart people call them? Sus scrofa domesticus

Fun Fact: Pigs are widely accepted to be smarter than human children up to 3 years of age

Another villain finds his way onto the list. Napoleon is used to represent many of society's ills of the 1950s and he is a masterful one. Animal Farm is a great movie based on a great book. Fun facts about the movie: it was the first British animated film to get a theatrical release and Maurice Denham voiced all of the animals.

1. Caesar

(voiced by Andy Serkis)

Natural Habitat: Rebooted Planet of the Apes franchise

What is he? A common chimpanzee

What do smart people call them? Pan troglodytes

Fun Fact: Chimpanzees make and use tools for more purposes than any other creatures except human beings

Perhaps I'm just basking in the afterglow of my viewing of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Or, maybe Caesar is a piece of truly genius filmmaking, both technically and emotionally complex. Either way you want to paint the picture, he gets my top spot.

I know. I missed your favorite, or at least a character you feel is worth mentioning. Let me know what you think.

Click here for more Pointless Lists.

R.I.P. Robin Williams

July 21, 1951 - August 11, 2014

mer·cu·ri·al

mərˌkyo͝orēəl/

adjective

1. 1.

   (of a person) subject to sudden or unpredictable changes of mood or mind.

Sadly, another star has exited stage left. This time, Robin Williams has died of an apparent suicide. For me, this one is a little extra sad because he truly is a person I grew up watching. I first became aware of him when I was about eight, thanks to a couple of guest spots on one of my favorite TV shows at the time, Happy Days. This turned out to be his big break as he played a quirky extra terrestrial known as Mork from Ork. Watching reruns lately, I realize how insane it was to include an alien on one of the most square shows of all time. It was so out of left field, something I couldn't really appreciate at the time, yet it worked. It worked so well, the character was given his own series, Mork & Mindy which I watched religiously. "Na-nu na-nu" and "Shaz-but" become part of my everyday vernacular.

As the years went by, I learned of his wacky stand-up act, and heard stories of his habits. Eventually, he began doing lots of movies. By this time I hadn't totally lost interest, but I paid less attention to him than I once did. Still, I did see a number of the films in which he appeared. Somehow, I haven't fully witnessed many of his most popular performances in their entirety. Good Morning, Vietnam, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Hook are movies I've only seen in pieces. Occasionally, I'll catch a bit of the beginning, but can't finish it for some reason. More often, I'll catch a bit of the end, or somewhere in the middle and stop watching a few minutes later rather than try to catch up. The Best of Times, The Fisher King, and The Adventures of Baron Munchausen are movies I've not seen at all.

In what I have seen Williams in, I've almost always enjoyed his performance, even if I hated the movie. I love Dead Poets Society. He was great in The World According to Garp, Jumanji, Good Will Hunting, and Aladdin. He was even good in the Night at the Museum movies. That said, I was strangely drawn to the roles where his character was miserable. I thought he was excellent in World's Greatest Dad and downright brilliant in both The Final Cut and One Hour Photo. I guess having an inkling of some of his troubles in life gave these portrayals a truth his more jovial work didn't have. In those roles that required him to be funny, it feels like him giving us the Robin Williams persona. His more conflicted characters felt closer to reality. The clown was exposing the tears behind the smile.

It's been said that inside every comedian is a sad man refusing to weep. Williams has extraordinary success in channeling this other person. How strange that the same actor can play some of the most uninhibited of all characters, and some of the most morose. - Roger Ebert

If you're at all familiar with him you know that he was a ball of kinetic energy, seemingly with a serious case of ADHD. To watch him in action was not to witness anything coherent. It was a study in unfiltered, stream of conscience. Listening to him was quite literally hearing someone verbally brainstorm, using our ears as the paper he's scribbling numerous random thoughts on. Even in death, he proves that if each person were only allowed one word to describe them, mercurial would most certainly be his.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes