Sunday, February 2, 2014

Pointless Lists: Fictional Movie Football Team, Part II

Yesterday, I gave you the special teams and defense for my fictional football team. Now, on Super Bowl Sunday, I'm going to give you the guys people come to see, the ones that put points on the board.

I did give myself some rules to go by. As a reminder, here they are...

1. I really do mean "fictional." None of these players are directly based on a real person. That means no Rudy, no one from Remember the TitansFriday Night LightsThe Express, or any other "based on a true story" football flick.

2. This one goes hand-in-hand with the first rule and makes things even trickier. Characters played by people with NFL experience are not eligible. My apologies to Luther Lavay from Any Given Sunday (Lawrence Taylor), Deacon Moss from the remake of The Longest Yard (Michael Irvin), Bogdanski from the original The Longest Yard (Ray Nitschke) and all the other pros who took their talents to the silver screen.

3. The player doesn't have to be from a football movie, but there should be at least one actual football scene in their movie during which I can reasonably assume he/she is on the field. You're outta here, Johnny Utah from Point Break.

4. Players are to be judged as they are during the movie. Past success be damned, Jack "Cap" Rooney from Any Given Sunday is an old man!

5. The player should at least have a speaking part. Okay, this is more of a guideline than a hard rule.


Offensive Line


Tackles - Bud "Lite" Kaminsky (Abraham Benrubi), The Program and Patrick "Madman" Kelly (Andrew Bryniarsky), Any Given Sunday

Guards - Billy Bob (Ron Lester), Varsity Blues and Andre "Action" Jackson (Michael Taliferro), The Replacements

Center - Manumana the Slender (Peter Tuiasosopo), Necessary Roughness

Back-ups - Jamal Jackson (Faizon Love), The Replacements...Jumbo (Ace Yonamine), The Replacements...Rudy "The Gas Man" Zoltek (Michael Zweiner), Little Giants...Turley (The Great Khali), The Longest Yard (2005)

Bud "Lite" Kaminsky will be an absolute anchor at left tackle. "Madman" Kelly, on the opposite side, is nearly as good. He also bears a striking resemblance to defensive end Steve Lattimer. Manumana is a massive center who can take on multiple blockers even while handling snap duties. We're taking some chances with our guards, though. Billy Bob isn't in the best shape and is prone to concussions, but he's hard to move. He also might be able to sneak out and catch a pass or two. "Action" Jackson works best when his brother Jamal is on the field, who isn't starting. However, due to Billy Bob's issues we can foresee him getting a lot of time. Jumbo will also see some time, if for no other reason than he's, well, jumbo. Turley has an extremely low football IQ, or regular IQ, for that matter. Still, he's a mountain of a man who can play some d-line, also. "The Gas Man" will fill-in if we really get in a pinch. He is undersized, but has a rather potent secret weapon.



Wide Receivers - Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.), Jerry Maguire and Jimmy Sanderson (Bill Bellamy), Any Given Sunday

Back-ups - Charlie Tweeter (Scott Caan), Varsity Blues...Clifford Franklin (Orlando Jones), The Replacements...Phil Elliot (Nick Nolte), North Dallas Forty

Tight End - Brian Murphy (David Denman), The Replacements

Tidwell is a money receiver. Literally. His recent willingness to go over the middle has elevated him to elite status. All I have to say about Sanderson is that he was the go-to-guy on a team that included Terrell Owens, and T.O. didn't even complain about it. Tweeter will work the slots. We just need to make sure we keep him out of the bars the night before games. Franklin is a little iffy in the hands department, but can stretch the field. We're not sure how much we can get out of Elliot. He goes through more than seems humanly possibly just to make it onto the field, but age is catching up with him. He still has great hands, though, so he'll be out there in key third-down situations. Plus, we might line him up at tight end from time to time, a position he's more suited to these days. We will have to. Brian Murphy is the team's only true tight end. We think we've got a good one despite the fact that he's deaf.

Running Backs


Tailback - Julian "J-Man" Washington (LL Cool J), Any Given Sunday

Fullback - Ray Griffen (Leon Pridgen), The Program

Back-ups - Earl Megget (Nelly), The Longest Yard (2005)...Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps), The Program...Wendell Brown (Eliel Swinton), Varsity Blues

We are absolutely loaded at this spot! Washington will be our workhorse. This includes getting the rock in most short yardage situations. No worries, there will be plenty of carries for Megget and Jefferson who both have game changing speed. Megget is inexperienced so we might not have him in on too many obvious passing downs and we'll have to keep an eye on Jefferson who has some fumbling issues in the past. Brown will be there to spell Washington and get the bulk of the carries should Washington go down. At the fullback spot, Griffen is actually a former tailback. After a tenuous adjustment period, he's taken quite nicely to delivering some crushing blocks. Every now and again we'll reward him with a carry or two.


Normally, I favor drop-back quarterbacks. I have to begrudgingly admit times are changing. I need someone who can make plays with his arm AND his legs. Maybe we can even put in some read-option and other new-fangled stuff. For this, there is no better option than...

"Steamin'" Willie Beamen (Jamie Foxx), Any Given Sunday

To back him up, we worked out everyone available. Of course, they all had some issues. Levander "Bird" Williams (Mykelti Williams, Wildcats) had some character issues. Johnny Moxon (James Van Der Beek, Varsity Blues) is not really all that into football. Lance Harbor (Paul Walker, Varsity Blues went into coaching. Joe Kingman (Dwayne Johnson, The Game Plan) doesn't have his heart in it anymore. Frank Cushman (Jerry O'Connell, Jerry Maguire) wants too much money. Seth Maxwell (Mac Davis) was too much of a wild-card. We even worked out two guys named Paul Crewe (Burt Reynolds and Adam Sandler, both versions of The Longest Yard). The older one was extremely close to locking down that third string spot. The younger one was just as good, but looks too much like linebacker Bobby Boucher for our tastes. In the end we went with...

Shane "Footsteps" Falco (Keanu Reeves), The Replacements and Joe Pendleton (Warren Beatty), Heaven Can Wait

Falco has shown some unbelievable leadership skills and has just gotten over his big-game jitters. Pendleton is also quite the leader. Like I said, he and the two Crewes were close. In the end, Joe gets the nod because he has divine intervention on his side. After all, not only did the guy win a Super Bowl, he came back from the dead to do it!