Friday, July 18, 2014

Vampire Academy

Directed by Mark Waters.
2014. Rated PG-13, 104 minutes.
Zoey Deutch
Lucy Fry
Danila Kozlovsky
Gabriel Byrne
Sarah Hyland
Olga Kurylenko
Dominic Sherwood
Cameron Monaghan
Sami Gayle
Ashley Charles
Claire Foy

Vampires were once cool. They were bloodthirsty, yet refined and highly seductive creatures barely able to hide their deadly intentions beneath the mischievous twinkle in their eye. Ones that couldn't hold it together were downright savages, literally going for the jugular of whomever was in their path, finishing meals with fresh blood staining their faces. Whatever the case, vampires were not to be trifled with. Then, they were suddenly named Sullen Cullen, moped around looking constipated, sparkled in daylight, had emo girlfriends, and got jealous of her platonic werewolf friend like a little beyotch. Now, there's a whole high school full of emotionally fragile blood suckers. Sigh.

Before we even get to the school we find out there are three types of vampires. The Moroi make up the ruling class. They're described as peaceful, and mortal. Mortal. Yeah. How mortal, like what's their life expectancy? Never comes up, but I will say they seem like a bunch of wusses. It doesn't help that instead of declaring a major, all these Harry Potter wannabes have to declare which magic they'll practice. You know the magics - fire, water, etc. - like this was The Last F'in Airbender. We're told sunlight bothers them, but other than characters randomly saying it hurts a little there's no real evidence of this. The one true vampire thing about them is that they can only digest human blood. However, they get that from Twilight fans who volunteer it willingly so even that part sucks. Okay, bad pun. And the volunteers aren't Twilight groupies. Explicitly.

Let's move on.

The Dhampir are half-human/half-vampire. They exist solely to protect the Morons Moroi. To be honest, I've no clue what makes them even remotely vampiric since the sun has no effect on them, they can eat toaster strudels, and I'm fairly certain they've never heard of Bram Stoker, nor are they aware of the fact that they're pissing on his grave. Hell, I think some of it is trickling over into Bela Lugosi's casket and staining his red satin lined cape.

Phew. Deep cleansing breaths. Sorry. Tangent.

Finally, we have the Strigoi. They are the downright savages I mentioned earlier. Strangely, they're never referred to as immortal even though it's stressed that the Morons Moroi are not. By the way, a Moron Moroi can turn into a Strigoi. I guess it works like your favorite good guy wrestler turning heel. Whatever. At least they can't come out during the day. Better yet, they can be killed by silver. Oh wait. That's supposed to be know what? Screw it. I'll give them credit for being badasses. Unfortunately, they disappear for large chunks of Boo.

Alright, I've been at this review way too long and haven't gotten anywhere. The point of this whole movie is that Dhampir Rose (Deutch) is assigned to protect Moroi Lissa (Fry), heiress to the throne, from the Strigoi. Well, that's what it's supposed to be about. What we really get is Lissa maneuvering her way around the school's cliques and rumor mill while Rose crushes on her dark haired Fabio of a combat instructor. I swear Rose is written and performed like a rip off of Ellen Page from Juno. We meet a made up to be really old and decrepit Gabriel Byrne try to pass time until he could cash his check his one big scene, and watch Olga Kurylenko impersonate Elizabeth Banks from The Hunger Games. Later, we say "Look, there's that girl from Modern Family who looks like she could be Mila Kunis' little sister." Well, she looks like that to me. Anyhoo, none of this is very interesting. Exception made for the thinly veiled anti-lesbian sentiment. Well, I read it that way. Toward the end, we get a couple of unsurprising twists to cap off this particular teen soap. The credits roll and we realize yet another novel for young adults (that I'll never read) has been made into a crappy movie.


  1. Wow! I have to say I have never heard of Vampire Academy, and I can't say it's going to be at the top of my 'must watch' list, but great review! Really made me chuckle :)
    - Allie

    1. Unless you're into Twilight and its clones, be glad you've never heard of Vampire Academy. In fact, try to forget it now that you have. Glad you were able to laugh at my pain. :-)

  2. I'm saddened over what vampires have become. They've become such pussies as of late. Hopefully, I will see Only Lovers Left Alive later this year to see if there is still some bite in vampires. Peter Murphy wouldn't approve of this film.

    1. It's truly disheartening. I have the same hope as you for Only Lovers Left Alive. I've heard good things about it, so I have my fingers crossed.

  3. I actually watched this very recently and I am still planning to read the book (really). That said, this movie is terrible (not that, that would deter me from trying to read the book still). Each vampire movie tries to introduce its own brand of Vampires and this one seem convoluted. It tells us they are different and yet not really showing us the way they are different. You mentioned the whole mortal thing. Plus what's with the Dhamphir having to protect the Moroi...are the Moroi seemingly so physically weak they need protection? With immortality out of the picture is there no perks to being a vampire? Wait I get it...they're not really vampires right?...They're just anemic. Another annoying thing is that this movie makes fun of Twilight, I'm pretty sure more than once. I mean please make sure you are the better movie before taking a crap on it. Seriously I can't believe Vampire Academy got a theatrical looks like a TV movie. We have the usual bad acting, bad dialogue and nothing about it looked cinematic at all. And you are right... Rose was Juno-ish which just bugs me. These St Vladamir kids live in a secluded protected world. They are not like the rest of us immersed in technology and pop how is Rose able to make all these pop culture references?

    1. You pretty much nailed it. I imagine it got a theatrical release because right now they're just shoving anything out there that has to do with teens and/or vampires, werewolves, and zombies, regardless of quality. I will say that I do get how Rose makes all those pop culture references. We're told she and Lissa were out in the real world for two years. Now, how the others seemed to be understanding those references...well, that's another issue.

    2. Really...I thought they were only out for like 6 months which was impossible to cram all the pop culture knowledge.

    3. Yeah, Rose mentions it. I can't remember if she does during her opening narration, but she definitely does as a retort to her instructor telling her she's not a true guardian. She barks at him "I kept her alive for two years."

  4. Mmm. Toaster strudel.

    I will never watch this. Never, never...NEVER.

    Dig the post, though. Makes me want to watch Blade again.

    1. You'll be much better off watching Blade.