Girl Week 2021: Black Widow

Vampire Academy

Directed by Mark Waters.

2014. Rated PG-13, 104 minutes.

Cast:

Zoey Deutch

Lucy Fry

Danila Kozlovsky

Gabriel Byrne

Sarah Hyland

Olga Kurylenko

Dominic Sherwood

Cameron Monaghan

Sami Gayle

Ashley Charles

Claire Foy

Vampires were once cool. They were bloodthirsty, yet refined and highly seductive creatures barely able to hide their deadly intentions beneath the mischievous twinkle in their eye. Ones that couldn't hold it together were downright savages, literally going for the jugular of whomever was in their path, finishing meals with fresh blood staining their faces. Whatever the case, vampires were not to be trifled with. Then, they were suddenly named Sullen Cullen, moped around looking constipated, sparkled in daylight, had emo girlfriends, and got jealous of her platonic werewolf friend like a little beyotch. Now, there's a whole high school full of emotionally fragile blood suckers. Sigh.

Before we even get to the school we find out there are three types of vampires. The Moroi make up the ruling class. They're described as peaceful, and mortal. Mortal. Yeah. How mortal, like what's their life expectancy? Never comes up, but I will say they seem like a bunch of wusses. It doesn't help that instead of declaring a major, all these Harry Potter wannabes have to declare which magic they'll practice. You know the magics - fire, water, etc. - like this was The Last F'in Airbender. We're told sunlight bothers them, but other than characters randomly saying it hurts a little there's no real evidence of this. The one true vampire thing about them is that they can only digest human blood. However, they get that from Twilight fans who volunteer it willingly so even that part sucks. Okay, bad pun. And the volunteers aren't Twilight groupies. Explicitly.

Let's move on.

The Dhampir are half-human/half-vampire. They exist solely to protect the Morons Moroi. To be honest, I've no clue what makes them even remotely vampiric since the sun has no effect on them, they can eat toaster strudels, and I'm fairly certain they've never heard of Bram Stoker, nor are they aware of the fact that they're pissing on his grave. Hell, I think some of it is trickling over into Bela Lugosi's casket and staining his red satin lined cape.

Phew. Deep cleansing breaths. Sorry. Tangent.

Finally, we have the Strigoi. They are the downright savages I mentioned earlier. Strangely, they're never referred to as immortal even though it's stressed that the Morons Moroi are not. By the way, a Moron Moroi can turn into a Strigoi. I guess it works like your favorite good guy wrestler turning heel. Whatever. At least they can't come out during the day. Better yet, they can be killed by silver. Oh wait. That's supposed to be for...you know what? Screw it. I'll give them credit for being badasses. Unfortunately, they disappear for large chunks of the.movie. Boo.

Alright, I've been at this review way too long and haven't gotten anywhere. The point of this whole movie is that Dhampir Rose (Deutch) is assigned to protect Moroi Lissa (Fry), heiress to the throne, from the Strigoi. Well, that's what it's supposed to be about. What we really get is Lissa maneuvering her way around the school's cliques and rumor mill while Rose crushes on her dark haired Fabio of a combat instructor. I swear Rose is written and performed like a rip off of Ellen Page from Juno. We meet a made up to be really old and decrepit Gabriel Byrne try to pass time until he could cash his check his one big scene, and watch Olga Kurylenko impersonate Elizabeth Banks from The Hunger Games. Later, we say "Look, there's that girl from Modern Family who looks like she could be Mila Kunis' little sister." Well, she looks like that to me. Anyhoo, none of this is very interesting. Exception made for the thinly veiled anti-lesbian sentiment. Well, I read it that way. Toward the end, we get a couple of unsurprising twists to cap off this particular teen soap. The credits roll and we realize yet another novel for young adults (that I'll never read) has been made into a crappy movie.

Morgan Freeman Week: Oblivion

Morgan Freeman Week continues...

Directed by Joseph Kosinski.

2013. Rated PG-13, 125 minutes.

Cast:

Tom Cruise

Morgan Freeman

Olga Kurylenko

Andrea Riseborough

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

Melissa Leo

That alien invasion you've been waiting on has finally happened. It's 2077, well after the big showdown and I'm happy to inform you that we won. Sort of. In the process of beating the invaders, we pretty much ruined Earth by nuking everything. The entire planet is a desolate wasteland. The few human survivors have all relocated to Titan, the largest of Saturn's moons. Well, everyone but Tech 49 Jack Harper (Cruise) and Victoria Olsen (Riseborough). As needed, he flies around and repairs the drones that are protecting power stations from Scavengers. The power stations basically harvest the water for energy to be used on Titan. Scavengers are the few remaining survivors of the invading army. Victoria works the control tower from their apartment in the sky. At night, they turn the place into a love shack. Anyhoo, Jack has the sneaking suspicion that something isn't quite right. This is mostly due to the fact that even though his memory has been completely wiped, as has been done to all humans, he has recurring dreams of meeting a woman at the Empire State Building back before the war. That's not even mentioning the fact that the Scavengers, or Scavs as our hero calls them, are getting bolder by the day.

What works most is the look of the film. It presents us with stark visuals of what the world could be like after nuclear annihilation. You really get the sense that the planet has been decimated. This helps us get the same sense of isolation as our hero. The only contact they have with anyone else is with Sally (Leo), the lady who works mission control from the space station Tet, that functions as headquarters for their little operation. That feeling is compounded by the fact that Jack is the only one who goes out. This means he is alone most of the day except for Victoria's voice in his headphones. It is a fairly lonely existence.

The concepts put forth by Oblivion are also intriguing. It uses these concepts to build mystery and suspense. This is especially true of the Scavs. For awhile, we are strung along trying to figure out exactly what they are trying to accomplish. Jack struggles with this also. We watch him attempting to piece things together in his head, but see that it's not quite coming together. Meanwhile, the mysterious creatures that roam the Earth seem to be closing in on him. It many ways, the movie functions like an updated version of Richard Matheson's iconic novel I Am Legend with Tom Cruise giving us his version of Robert Neville.

Okay, let's be honest. Tom Cruise is really giving us his version of Tom Cruise, pretty much like he always does. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It's just that you know what you're going to get before the movie even starts. Likewise Morgan Freeman gives us Morgan Freeman. The major difference is that he's a bit more suave than normal as he's seen often sitting cross-legged while puffing on a cigar. This is a bit strange given the setting and circumstances, but it works. In case you're confused, no Cruise and Riseborough are not the only people in the movie. However, I won't tell you who Freeman plays since I don't want to spoil things for any of you that haven't seen it.

Most of this film's problems lie within the execution of things. This is particularly true for the second half of the movie where things are to be resolved. We start to notice the threadbare script as it cuts corners. Things aren't fleshed out quite enough to work. And in one case, the film goes all out on a bait-and-switch that feels like a cheat, at best. At worst, it creates a hole in the plot bigger than the one Jack gets trapped in at one point. This leaves us with a movie that was going along nicely and then falls apart at the end.

MY SCORE: 6/10

Click here for more Morgan Freeman related stuff!

Seven Psychopaths

Directed by Martin McDonagh.

2012. Rated R, 110 minutes.

Cast:

Colin Farrell

Sam Rockwell

Woody Harrelson

Christopher Walken

Tom Waits

Abbie Cornish

Linda Bright Clay

Olga Kurylenko

Gabourey Sidibe

Michael Stuhlbarg

Helena Mattsson

Kevin Corrigan

Marty (Farrell) is a Hollywood screenwriter and the world is anxiously awaiting his next masterpiece. He’s titled it “Seven Psychopaths,” but that’s pretty much as far as he’s gotten. His bestest buddy Billy (Rockwell) wants to help him write the thing and offers up some inspiration in the form of a story he heard in a bar and a newspaper article about an actual nut job, still at large, called the Jack ‘O Diamonds killer who goes around murdering members of the mob. Before long, real life intervenes when Billy’s “job” brings a genuine psychopath their way. He’s part of a dog-napping scheme with Hans (Walken). The two snatch up some poor unsuspecting canine then later return it to the owner for the reward money. It just so happens that their latest acquisition belongs to local gangster Charlie (Harrelson). Let’s just say he’s not planning on paying to get his dog back.

From the outset, we realize this is going to be a hyper-violent comedy. That the scenery will be blood-soaked is a given. The question is whether or not it can maintain the humor aspect. Thankfully it does, for the most part. Writer-director Martin McDonagh, who gave us the incredible In Bruges, crafts a script that’s borderline self-parody. It echoes sentiments others may have about his own work or of these sorts of movies, in general, purposely and sarcastically reinforcing them. Most noticeably, this includes apparent misogyny. Through other characters questioning Marty on his handling of his female characters, it becomes McDonagh fielding questions from critics. Through the course of the movie, his answer seems to be a defiantly waved middle finger. This doesn't make what happens pro-feminist in any way, but makes it easier to take because we sense the movie is aware of what it’s doing and simply trying to push our buttons.

The actors themselves also help push our buttons. Pulling off the delicate balance between graphic violence and snarky humor always requires strong performances. This movie has them in spades. The constant banter between Farrell and Rockwell works wonderfully as both men turn in stellar work. To compliment them, Woody Harrelson and Chrisopher Walken absolutely steal every scene either of them are in. This keeps the movie moving along at a snappy pace. Between the action and these guys tearing up the screen, Seven Psychopaths is a hard film to take your eyes off.

The biggest drawback to SP is that, at times, it feels overly influenced by early Guy Ritchie and Quentin Tarantino. This could very easily be mistaken as part of either director’s filmography (sans the British accents for Ritchie). Honestly though, McDonagh is a skilled enough filmmaker to make this is a good thing. More than just aping the movies we love, it stands alongside them as a sharp-tongued and mercilessly violent dark comedy that is at once absurd and sublime.

Quantum of Solace

Quantum of Solace
2008. Rated PG-13.
Director: Marc Forster. Starring Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Olga Kurylenko, Mathieu Amalric, Giancarlo Giannini, Gemma Arterton, Jeffrey Wright, David Harbour.

Plot: An attempt on M's (Dench) life by the mysterious Quantum organization leads Bond (Craig) to Haiti where he meets the beautiful Camille (Kurylenko). She in turn, leads him to Quantum's leader Dominic Greene who is of course, trying to take over the world in some form or fashion. Action ensues. Or re-ensues, since it starts with a car chase, but nevermind.

The Good: The action, duh! These sequences will flat knock you on your butt. It amplifies the Bourne-style in splendidly brutal fight and chase scenes with amazing stunts. However, it's careful to never get into the gizmo heavy cheesefests that marred the Pierce Brosnan 007 flicks. This Bond also has another thing in common with Bourne, he's ruthless, in fact moreso. He's piling up quite a body count. To pull this off, Daniel Craig is perfect. Whether or not he's the best Bond is a matter of opinion. What isn't open to debate is the fact that he's given us by far the most athletic version of the character. Aside from the physical stuff, we also notice that for the first time, a Bond movie isn't a stand-alone adventure. It's actually a real sequel that often refers to it's predecessor. This further humanizes our hero, even as he's performing unbelievable feats. He often has thoughts of revenge and can't sleep due to the events of the prior movie. The relationship between Bond and M continues as it did in Casino Royale as well. That is, it provides a solid foundation and seems to grow during the movie. It helps that Judi Dench has been wonderful in the role.

The Bad: The story is convoluted and rushed. This seems to be a constant Bond problem as the bad guy has to go through a whole lot to take over the world and Bond has to go all over the world, quite literally, to figure things out. As a result, he seems to discover a lot of things either by accident or unintentionally implied psychic ability and we are left scrambling to catch up. The movie is also formulaic. In CR, there were long sections of the movie devoted to us getting to know the new Bond. Here, those sections are stripped away and we just follow the same leftover steps. As far as Bond villains go, Dominic Greene and the evil general we meet later are a bit bland. If the Bond reboot needs anything, it's "a better brand of criminal" to quote The Joker. Oh, and what happened to the creative names for the bad guys and the Bond girls. Hearing the outlandish and sometimes racy names of these characters was part of the fun. I realize they wanted to get away from some of the more silly aspects of the franchise but they could lighten up just a tad. Dominic Greene and Camille? Where's the fun in that?

The Ugly: He keeps tearing up my Aston Martins!

Recommendation: As with any of the Bond movies over the course of 40 years, it's a must-see for fans. It's also a must-see for action fans since it may be the genre's best film of 2008 that doesn't include a costumed hero (unless you consider a well-tailored suit a costume). It's also not as good as CR. While, it's certainly a fun ride, the movie between the action scenes is lacking. Fortunately, those action scenes come early and often and are all dynamite.

The Opposite View: Mike McGranaghan, Aisle Seat

What the Internet Says: 7.0/10 on imdb.com (4/6/09), 65% on rottentomatoes.com, 58/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 6/10