Friday, October 17, 2014

The Slasher Cast-A-Thon: Dell's Entry

A couple weeks ago, I opened invitations for my fellow bloggers to take part in the Slasher Cast-A-Thon. The idea is fairly simple. Come up a bunch of characters you'd like to kill off (who weren't actually THE villain of their movie) and then find one you'd love to survive.

There are some official rules. You can see those by clicking here.

Now, let's kill some folks off...

The Victims

Way Too Many Tyler Perry Movies
I'm begging someone...anyone...please kill this the most horrible, gruesome fashion imaginable. The high-pitch shrieking, the purposely mutilated words, the ridiculously unfunny "humor," I just can't take it anymore. I hate to play into the traditional trope of killing off a black character first, but if this is the one, I'm all for it.

Private Timothy E. Upham
Saving Private Ryan
Take a good look at that pic. This is merely the first instance where I wanted this young terrified soldier to be killed. At this very moment a member of his own unit is being slaughtered while he does this. I'm screaming at the screen for him to do something and no, nothing. Well, not until much later in the film when he suddenly decides to execute the man who was in their doing the killing. Since this was too little, too late, it marked the second instance I wanted him dead.

Lala Bonilla
He Got Game
Normally, I'm completely against killing off high school girls, especially one played by the lovely Rosario Dawson. In this case, however, I think my desire to see her separated from life is warranted. She's the girlfriend of the hottest high school hoops star in the land. Not merely content to ride that gravy train, she hedges her bet by cheating on him with a potential agent. Again, I'll use the pic to support my stance. That's her sure-fire superstar ball playing boyfriend on the phone while some other dude's hand is creeping up over her naked back and shoulder. Oh yeah, this chick has to die.

Sandra and Van
Sandra is the manager at a fast-food joint. When a "cop" calls her on the phone and orders her to strip search an employee he suspects of theft she just goes along with it. That's right, this "cop" isn't even in the same room, just tells her to do this on the phone. Later, her boyfriend Van proves twice as dumb when he winds up sexually assaulting the woman under the orders of the person on the other end of the line. The only thing worse than either one of these two is the fact that everything they do is based heavily on facts from real life cases. Yup, these two morons deserve a slow, painful death.

Annakin Skywalker
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
This is a tough one for me. Killing him means taking out someone who would go on to become one of the great movie villains of all time. Keeping him means endorsing one of the worst performances in a big budget movie in the history of film. And one of the worst written. I'm okay with keeping the kid that played the even younger version in The Phantom Menace, even though most of you hate him. Somehow, we have to keep Vader. Let's just slaughter this version and re-write the whole damn movie.

Bella Swan and Edward Cullen
The Twilight Series
Do I really have to explain this one? For me, the fact that they are single-handedly responsible for the complete neutering of the vampire that has taken place over the last decade. On top of that they are miserable people in miserable movies and I want them killed. Preferably, they will be taken out together while wrapped in a pale embrace. That way, one stake can simultaneously go through both of their hearts.

Yes, boys and girls there will be a survivor. A...

Final Girl

Su Lin
Enter the Dragon
Since we've been busy sending people to their early demise, how about bringing back one who met hers? Yes, Su Lin actually died during her one and only scene in the iconic Enter the Dragon. However, it's obvious the girl has got ungodly sorts of strength. After all, she died by her own hand rather than be violated by a gang of thugs. Before actually finishing herself off, she gives them all they can handle by kicking their asses all over the place before finally getting cornered. Of course, she did. She is the sister of the movie's hero, none other than the one and only Bruce Lee. She's got what it takes to handle some lone psycho. And I so want her to live, so here she is.

Alrighty, boys and girls. That's my roster of victims, plus a heroine. It's not too late to post yours. This blogathon runs right up through Halloween!


  1. Brilliant! Ours will be up soon's actually a lot harder than I originally thought! :D
    - Allie

    1. Yeah, this requires a bit of thought. I can't wait to see what you come up with.

  2. I liked Pvt. Upham. I know he didn't help his comrade in that one scene but the poor guy had never been in combat before, so of course he was freaking out.

    Obviously I'll have to agree with Edward and Bella. Now I feel silly for not thinking to put Jacob onto mine for constant refusal to wear a shirt.

    I actually just saw Enter the Dragon yesterday for one of my classes, and Su Lin definitely has survivor potential considering how much of a fight she put up in that movie.

    Now if some other people would just start posting their contributions here, which there don't seem to be very many of. I'm still waiting for entries on my Cosmic Horror Cast-A-Thon as well, and there's only 13 days left in it.

    1. Sorry, I was so pissed at Upham. His killing of the German soldier at the end reeked of phony and reactionary justice.

      Probably should've included Jacob myself but decided against it. Maybe next time.

  3. Oh this is an excellent idea! I hope I'll find time to participate.

  4. Kill Anakin, Bella, and Edward....? YES!!!!!! PLEASE!!!

  5. I'm sharpening my cutlery as we