Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Worst Movies of 2013

The other day, I rolled out the 2013 Dellies. If you checked them out, you might recall me mentioning that I've seen approximately 130 of the movies that were released during last year. Of those, let me tell you, there were a number of duds. I've managed to miss some that have been deemed terrible by everyone else, such as:

The Big Wedding, The Canyons, Getaway, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, The Last Exorcism Part 2, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, Movie 43, Paranoia, Safe Haven, Scary Movie 5

Now, on to the crap that I did see. Most of them I've already reviewed. Click on the titles for my full two cents. Now, here's about one cent on each of

The Worst Movies of 2013

It's better than another Wayans Brothers horror spoof, the Scary Movie franchise.


Unfortunately, the breadth and scope of the damage being done is all there is. Sure, there’s the bit about who is betraying who, but it’s nothing that couldn't have been written out, in full, on the back of a napkin.


With the formula pretty much set in stone, The Heat dutifully goes down the checklist of buddy flick tropes.

Unfortunately, the positives aren't nearly as weighty as the negatives. The good things amount to a few empty thrills.

Similarly to the blandness of most of the characters, the plot unfolds in not-so-thrilling fashion.

Pretty pictures do not a movie make. In this case, it's lipstick on a pig. That might make it a great looking pig, but I still don't want to kiss it.

Since what it tries to be and what it is don’t line up it all becomes laughable. It’s also heavy-handed with an over-simplified conclusion.

The best way for me to describe what happens without spoiling it is to say "oops." It's the type of finale a movie can get away with if it passes itself off as a slice of life story, or maybe if it's a Coen Brothers flick. Here, it just makes me want to grab a wooden stake and hunt down the director.

After a funny sex scene, and the inclusion of some gangsters that never fully makes sense, we arrive at the point where we've heard all the jokes and seen all the gags this movie has to offer...Identity Thief just keeps repeating itself until it mercifully decides to end.

For me, it didn't quite come together like it did the first time. Almost all of the focus has been removed in the name of making the sequel a "bigger" movie than its predecessor.

It is ambitious, pretty to look at, but overly derivative and utterly contrived.

Unfortunately, the bad far outweighs the good. You may not agree if you delight in seeing just how strange things can get. If that's your deal then you should have already watched this.

What tears it for me is how aggressively bizarre the whole thing is. And not in a good way, either. It's an off putting kind of strange that gets worse as it goes along.

I'm guessing Channing Tatum, or Columbus Short were both busy...or got a look at the script and chose wisely. I wish I had.

To blame for this atrocity we have writer/director David E. Talbert, or Tyler Perry 2.0, as I like to call him.

5. Black Nativity
Put bluntly, Black Nativity is a frustrating watch. The cast isn't nearly as good as one would expect while the story vacillates between spouting cliches and flying completely off the rails.

The end result of all this is that the movie just drones on and on and on for its entire run time. In other words, its 107 minutes feel like they are multiplying as they slowly pass.

Fish out of water tales can be wonderful. They usually focus on one fish trying to gain his/her footing in a new environment. In this case, all of the fish are out of water and we just watch them flop around for an hour and a half.

Everything feels bland and rehashed. It's like they've just been slipped into a ready-made plot.

It’s all just a misogynistic and nihilistic fantasy that makes a dated referendum on people with tattoos.

20 comments:

  1. No Grown Ups 2? Then again, it's not really a movie. It's not anything...

    I had unfortunately seen bits or most of nearly half of these films. Yeah, they're fucking awful. My mom saw The Lone Ranger on TV and said "this is stupid" in Spanish and I laughed.

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    1. I'm that one guy who didn't totally hate Grown Ups 2. That might have something to do with my crush on Salma Hayek, but I'd like to think I'm not that shallow, lol.

      I've never even met your mom, but I already love her.


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    2. Aw, thanks. I love Salma as well but she wasn't enough to make Grown Ups 2 watchable. It was just absolutely disgusting and soul-wrenching.

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  2. I have to agree with you on most of them (I haven't seen all of the ones mentioned). The awfulness of Percy Jackson did make me read the books because I could not understand where the characters were coming from, or how it's connected with the first movie. You definitely skipped out on the worst of the worst - Movie 43 - it was just so horrible that you have to wonder what they were thinking when they signed up for it.

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    1. I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever heard that a movie was so bad it made someone read the books it was based on. Usually, a bad flick zaps all interest in its source material. Kudos to you.

      I've only heard bad, bad things about Movie 43. Curiosity may get the best of me, at some point, but for right now, I'll pass.

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  3. Hey, I liked The Heat. I thought it was a nice change of pace to see two women do a buddy cop film for once, since it's usually almost always two guys. You don't normally see two women or a man and a woman, at least not very many good ones. The only ones I know of that come close to pairing a man and a woman are The Enforcer (which could have been good if not for that horrible ending) and Theodore Rex (which... doesn't count). I thought Bullock and McCarthy had some great chemistry going on. Now Identity Thief, that looked like a bad movie. I never actually saw it but the previews didn't do a whole lot to convince me that it was going to be worth my time.

    Then again, what do I know? After all, I seem to be the only person in the world who thought This is the End didn't have a single funny joke. That was an awful movie, with a bunch of unlikeable jerks for our leads and the only person I actually cared about at all (Emma Watson) being quickly written out due to their idiocy. Now The World's End on the other hand, THAT was a great apocalypse comedy with lots of laughs and a fun group of characters I actually cared about.

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    1. I'd love to see more buddy cop movies featuring women. I just didn't find this one all that funny. For the record, I actually like McCarthy but she seems to be bad at picking projects.

      I did like both This is the End and The World's End. Find out Friday whether either one made my "Best of" list.

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  4. I've only seen Hangover 3 out of these, but I love "worst" lists. I know plenty of people that complain about them, but I always like reading them.

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    1. Thanks. I know some people feel "worst of' list are too negative. However, since I willingly subjected myself to these so-called movies I reserve the right to blog about them.

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  5. I love these kinds of lists :) I actually really liked a few of these! I think everyone needs to witness Movie 43...just to witness how bad it truly is. I blame it actually for rating everything else so high!
    - Allie

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    1. Cool. Yeah, I might take the Movie 43 plunge one day, but not yet.

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  6. Looks like I avoided a lot of crap! I only saw two of these, and I didn't like them...so yay for me.

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    1. Ha! You certainly made wiser choices than I.

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  7. Glad I've only seen two on this list (A Good Day to Die Hard and Beautiful Creatures) which I agree both are awful!

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    1. Yeah, keep your sanity. Don't bother with the rest.

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  8. I haven't seen a single movie on this list. I guess I'm not missing much. Ha ha! My daughter did see the ABCs of Death, and she unequivocally said it was awful.

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    1. Judging by me, your daughter is absolutely right.

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  9. The Percy Jackson movies have never been good but the second one is definitely worse... I definitely think we won't see anymore of them unless there's a reboot since the books are hugely popular.
    Beautiful Creatures wasn't good but I liked it enough and some of talents in it are wasted. City of Bones which you listed as the ones you haven't watched is much worse than Beautiful Creatures.
    Wandering through the Shelves

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    1. I hope we won't see another PJ nor Beautiful Creatures. Though I will say watching Jeremy Irons hamming it up while doing a horrible North Carolina accent was oddly amusing. And you've just confirmed that I'll never see City of Bones.

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