One night, many moons ago, I'm out with a couple of the fellas doing some club-hopping. One of these guys is my roommate. We have a great time, but my roomie drinks way too much. He has the stumbles and incoherent babble going real strong. Sprinkled like commas among all the rambling is his favorite refrain, "Man, I'm drunk...I'M DRUNK!" It's the end of the night and a long walk back to the car. Thankfully, my other friend, the much-more-but-not-completely sober one was driving. He is of average height. I'm pretty far below that. Our inebriated buddy literally stands a foot taller than me, about 6'4". Imagine Gandalf stumbling around after inhaling too much magic potion with Frodo and Sam trying to physically guide him back to The Shire. Yeah, just like that.
Anyhoo, our first stop is at a fast food joint that is still open at 3 AM. Of course, we're the only people in there, and apparently, they have just finished mopping the floor. We get some burgers that have probably been sitting under a lamp since the dinner rush ended, like 9 hours ago before heading off to the car. However, the whole time we're in there my boy, even while babbling, fixates on the 'Wet Floor' sign. I take that back. When I say 'Wet Floor' sign, you're probably thinking of a knee-high yellow piece of plastic. This thing was yellow and made of plastic, but it was not that. This was a 3-foot tall cone. These people really want you to watch your step while in their establishment.
Yup, that's the one. My buddy decides he must have this cone. He tells us this, but we're like 'Whatever, drunk guy talking.' Much to our dismay, he picks it up and walks out the door. None of the burger joint employees care enough to come after us. We amuse them so much they just laugh and point as we leave. What isn't amusing, at least to the shorter members of our trio, my roommate refuses to put the thing down despite our pleading.
"Yo, E, c'mon man, put that cone down. What you gonna do with that?"
"This my cone. I'm a put it in the room, cuz...cuz...DRUNK...and..."
"Man, we don't need no cone in the room. Besides, it might not even fit in the car."
"I'm keepin' it. I always wanted...this a good burger, dawg...DRUNK! This gonna go nice by my bed. You see that chick with the white pants on? She had a phat...man, I'm drunk...I'M DRUNK!"
This goes on all the way back to the car. It's about a half-mile walk, but in our situation, it may as well be a light year. To shorten it up a bit, we cut across some grass we probably should not have been walking on. I'm paranoid some cop is going to see us because, you know, three black men in possession of stolen property that happens to be vaguely shaped like a rifle. Luckily, we make it back to the car unimpeded by the law, wedge the cone in the trunk and manage to get home in one piece. The next afternoon, when my roommate finally wakes from his slumber, we have a rather interesting conversation.
"What is this cone doing next to my bed?"
"I oughta beat you with that cone."
And that's how I became an accessory to a crime gone wrong. At least, I think it went wrong. The fuzz never knocked down our door and dragged us off to jail, so maybe not.
The point of all this is, this week's topic for Thursday Movie Picks, hosted by Wanderer at Wandering Through the Shelves, is "Crime Gone Wrong." My good blogging buddy John at Hitchcock's World suggested this theme. Shall we?
(1995)This starts off like a coming-of-age story, morphs into a war film, and finally, morphs again into a crime drama. When it came out, I believe expectations played a role in it being received rather lukewarmly. It is the second film directed by the Hughes brothers. People seemed to be looking for something similar to their debut, Menace II Society and dismissed this when they didn't get it. It's a wonderful film deserving of being looked at, now two decades later so it doesn't have to worry about the shadow of its predecessor.
(2011)Bernie (Jack Black) is a local mortician and, strangely, beloved by everyone in the community. Even more strange, he befriends and marries Marjorie (Shirley MacLaine), an ornery octogenarian no one likes. Sure enough, she turns up dead, and the law is getting awfully suspicious of Bernie. Even though it's based on a true story, this is a very dark comedy. It's told as if it were a documentary. The unique part of that is many of the interviews are of the real people who lived in the town where it took place at the time this all went down. For my money, this is Jack Black's best performance by a pretty wide margin. School of what? (Click here for my full review)
(2011)Chris (Emile Hirsch) is a small-time coke dealer whose drugs have been stolen. This means he's desperately in need of money. He has some pretty sound reasons to believe his mother is the culprit. The wheels get to turning he decides, and convinces his sister, his dad, and his dad's wife, it's a good idea to have mom killed because little sister is the beneficiary of her life insurance policy. For the job, they hire Joe (Matthew McConaughey), a local detective who moonlights as a hitman. Nice. Needless to say, none of this goes according to plan. The Exorcist director William Friedkin is at the helm here and creates a twisted, gnarled, nasty, subversive, darkly funny masterpiece that's just not for everyone. If you're brave enough to watch it, you'll never look at a fried chicken drumstick the same way ever again. (Click here for my full review)