Sunday, October 21, 2018

The Quick and Dirties: No Budget Horror

Every October, I try to watch a good number of quality horror flicks. You know what else I try to watch? Schlock. I definitely try to get in my fair share of schlock. There's plenty of it out there. These three no-budget flicks fit the bill. Let's see how it went.

The Vampire Conspiracy
(2005)
A group of five strangers all wake up in a locked room without any idea how they got there. Soon enough, they're informed by a 250 year old vampire that he is the one who abducted them and brought them to this place for the purpose of a little game. They have to make it through the maze that is his house. The person who survives will inherit his untold riches. The catch is he's got a bunch of ravenous female vampires trying to stop them. What's going to turn off most people who even attempt to start this movie is the fact it was obviously shot on a shoestring budget. Half a shoestring. We're talking a trip to a Goodwill store for a camera, and the frilliest shirt possible to put on our vampire. If you can get past that, you'll find an oddly well-written movie, given that this is Z-grade horror. There are lots of twists as the lives of the characters from before the start of the film plays into what's happening. It's obviously inspired by Saw, but that's okay because it does some interesting things. The acting is not great. With an upgrade in that area and some better production values, I'd highly recommend it. As is, I'll say check it out only if the thought of watching something that looks like it was shot on a cheap camcorder from the 90s isn't a complete turnoff.


Scared Topless
(2015)
Some college kids go to a supposedly haunted mansion with one of their professors. They aim to find out if the ghost of a legendary actress really dwells there. Spoiler alert, not like you'll ever watch this, she does. Lots of terrible jokes, big boobs, and simulated sex ensues. Even the ghost gets in on the act. Despite its rather tenuous connection to the horror genre, this movie is certainly not trying to scare you, but titillate you. The problem is it sits in an odd spot. It's far too tame and tedious with no payoff for fans of hardcore porn and far too much for people wandered in for a campy horror flick. Forget about the first word in the title, use the second, and decide whether or not you should watch this.

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre
(2015)
So they're doing some fracking in Arkansas, and there's an accident. It's so bad, it unearths some prehistoric "land sharks." They not only wreak havoc in the water that's flooding the area, but they can even swim on land and eat anything in their path. No, really. Simultaneously, a group of women escape from prison. Along with the girlfriend of one of the girls and the guards they've taken hostage, they hole up in a remote cabin to plot their next move. Of course, they soon figure out there's land sharks right outside the door and we go from there. The title of the movie sets some very clear expectations. This is going to be a cheap, stupid B-movie full of boobs and gore. Since the director is Jim Wynorski, this seemed to be even more of slam dunk. After all, he's most known for directing Chopping Mall, but he's also directed such classics as The Bare Wench Project, The Witches of Breastwick, and...um...Scared Topless. Dude was busy in 2015. Here's the thing: though it's all Wynorski's brainchild - he wrote and directed, the SyFy channel footed the bill. That means it is a cheap, stupid B-movie, but with none of the boobs or gore. Without those things, the movie doesn't give us any other reason to watch.



8 comments:

  1. I haven't seen any of these but...lol. I recently did see a shoe string budget horror film called Ruin Me that I actually enjoyed quite a bit.

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    1. Hadn't heard of that one, but i might have to check it out.

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  2. Scared Topless and Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre seems like my kind of films although I'm not really into women with bad implants (ass and tits implants I mean).

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    1. There's definitely lots of implants in both those movies. If it matters, the ones in Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre never actually come out of those shirts.

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  3. Scared Topless sounds like every 13 yr old boy’s wet dream. In the 3rd flick. I’m trying to figure out which one is the female guard...it could be the the big ta-tas blond chick on the right

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    1. Nope, those are all prisoners. There were two guards - both guys.

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  4. You had me at "land sharks", that film looks hilariously stupid.

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