Wonder Woman (2011, 1967)

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Directed by Jon M. Chu.

2013. Rated PG-13, 110 minutes.

Cast:

Dwayne Johnson

Channing Tatum

Adrianne Palicki

Bruce Willis

Byung-hun Lee

Jonathan Pryce

Elodie Yung

Ray Stevenson

D.J. Cotrona

Ray Park

Luke Bracey

Arnold Vosloo

RZA

With the first paragraph of my reviews, I try to give the reader a synopsis of the movie in question without spoiling it. Usually, this involves me recapping the first ten or fifteen minutes of said movie, but not telling much of anything about what happens the rest of the way. My line of thinking is that if you want to watch a film, regardless of how I feel about it, I don’t want to be the one that completely removes any suspense you may otherwise have found there.

Sometimes, I can’t help myself.

For certain movies, explaining why I like or dislike them has to include events from later in the proceedings. Even then, I try not to give too much away. For others, there may be a spoiler in the setup, or at least something that lets us know it is not going to be quite what people expect. This brings me to G.I. Joe: Retaliation.

Actually, before we get into this particular flick, let’s take a short trip back to the 1990s, ’96 to be exact. My soon-to-be sister-in-law and her husband were huge Steven Seagal fans. They made sure to be in a theater on opening night of all of his movies. And so they were on a Friday evening, just starting to binge on popcorn, candy, and soda as Seagal’s latest, Executive Decision gets rolling. Prior to arriving in their seats they had seen the television commercials which made it appear that their guy was teaming up with Kurt Russell to take back a plane from some hijackers in an action packed adventure and somehow Halle Berry was involved. Those of you that have seen it know this isn’t quite the case. For the rest of you…SPOILER ALERT…not only is it much more slow-paced thriller than action flick, but Seagal’s character dies about ten minutes in before he kicks any ass whatsoever. Since my in-laws feet hadn’t even had time to get stuck to the floor real good yet, they promptly got up and left. As far as I know, they’ve never bothered trying to watch the rest of it.

Now let’s bring things back to the present. As unbelievable as it seems nowadays, most people don’t actually research a movie before deciding to see it. Maybe they watch a trailer or two online, or happen to see one on TV. Perhaps they don’t even do that if it’s a sequel to something they like and/or it stars someone they are a fan of. In this case, we have the sequel to 2009’s G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra based on an 80s cartoon which itself was based on a line of Hasbro toys. It raked in hundreds of millions of dollars at the box-office. The star of the show was none other than Channing Tatum. He had been around for years, but this was his first really big movie. It catapulted him to superstar status.

Well, as this one starts up we get way too chummy with Tatum’s character, Duke. We see how close he is to Roadblock, played by The Rock, as the guys talk about lots of personal stuff. He never actually says it, but we get the feeling that Duke is seriously thinking about settling down real soon and maybe starting a family like his buddy. Uh-oh. Astute viewers will notice this sounds suspiciously similar to having less than two weeks until retirement. Sure enough, the boys get sent on one of those missions that turns out to be a setup and guess who doesn’t survive. This causes the movie a two-folded problem. First, they just killed off a good portion of the reason people want to watch this in the first place. This is true not only for people who are fans of the actor, but for Joe fans to whom Duke is an iconic character. Of all the people in this universe to knock off, that’s the one they pick? I wonder how many of those who didn’t know this was coming got up and left the theater.

No matter what, the show must go on. Roadblock gathers up the remaining Joes, which eventually includes Bruce Willis, and decide they have to work off the grid for a while to solve their issue since they easily figure out they were betrayed by none other than the President of the United States. Eventually, this all leads back to Cobra Commander (Bracey) as it must in a G.I. Joe flick. Oh, don’t act like that’s a spoiler. Anyhoo, CC embarks on a plan eerily similar to Dr. Evil’s in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. If you’re unfamiliar with that one, just think about most James Bond movies or any number of films where the bad guy has a super-duper powerful weapon that can blow up everything and threatens to use it unless everyone in the world gives him money.

I know. I’m just spoiling all types of stuff for you today.

Okay. So far we have a major star playing a popular character dying in the opening moments and a generic plot. Let’s add in the fact that it is lazily written and has more than its fair share of hammy acting performances. Sounds like a total nightmare, right? Well, not so fast. This movie knows what we’re here for and gives it to us. If you like the first G.I. Joe then you probably appreciated it for being a big movie filled with action and exciting visuals. This installment gives us much more of the same. Everything goes boom real good and there is lots of martial arts goodness. My favorite sequence is a ridiculous mountainside battle.

What makes it work is that it just is. It doesn’t take itself too seriously nor too lightly. It is simply a spectacle. And unlike a Michael Bay movie, thankfully, it resists the urge to hammer us with a barrage of terrible jokes meant for 13 year-old boys or an overly goofy love story. Best of all, it doesn’t keep going for what feels like 127 hours. Therefore, it might not be exactly true to whatever you think a G.I. Joe should be, but it’s fun.

MY SCORE: 6.5/10

Red Dawn (2012)

Directed by Dan Bradley.

2012. Rated PG-13, 93 minutes.

Cast:

Chris Hemsworth

Josh Peck

Josh Hutcherson

Adrianne Palicki

Isabel Lucas

Connor Cruise

Edwin Hodge

Alyssa Diaz

Julian Alcaraz

Will Yun Lee

Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Brett Cullen

Fernando Chien

Kenneth Choi

The first person we meet is Matt Eckert (Peck). He’s a hotshot high-school quarterback who selfishly puts himself before his team, the Wolverines. Hint: this will be a recurring theme. We next meet his father Tom (Cullen), the local tough guy cop and his tough guy brother Jed (Hemsworth), home on leave from the military. Blanks are filled in by an assortment of locals. You know the locals: the girlfriend, the geek, the other girl(s), the black guy, etc. In a shocking nod to diversity, we actually get two black guys. Of course, neither one…well, I’m getting way ahead of myself. Most of the locals are teenagers and friends of the boys, but there are a few strangers who find themselves in this ragtag bunch due to the circumstances. What circumstances? North Korea has invaded the United States and are hitting the town of Spokane, Washington pretty hard. A daring escape forms the aforementioned bunch, without dad, by the way. One thing leads to another and before you know it, they’ve become a resistance known as…wait for it…wait for it…the Wolverines! Yayyy! If, like me, you’re old enough to actually remember the last decade of The Cold War then you probably know this is a remake of the 1984 original which stars Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, and a number of the day’s hottest young stars.

Like its predecessor, Red Dawn is a relentless barrage of blood-soaked patriotism. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with national pride, but that’s pretty much all there is. Some effort is made to develop the relationship between the brothers, but I've already told you everything there is to know. Everyone else is a cardboard cutout either part of and/or helping the resistance, or they’re traitors, saving their own hides by helping the enemy. Speaking of the North Koreans, that’s just it – they’re North Koreans. The idea, drilled home by all the news blurbs that open the film, is that their current real-life leadership is not only crazy enough to invade they actually make that move. From there, we get a depiction of how we Americans like to think we’d react to such a situation.

Of course, such a depiction requires lots of action. Red Dawn does lots of things well in this department. For starters, there’s lots of it. The next supposedly covert operation is never far away. It should go without saying that each one erupts in gunfire. These scenes do a surprisingly decent job of creating tension. If nothing else, we know that a number of North Koreans (and their supporters) will die along with one of our heroes. Guessing which “good” guy gets it is where the  tension is. The problem here, like with the rest of the movie, is we might be emotionally invested in the cause (provided we’re American or anti-North Korean), but not in any character not named Matt or Jed. Therefore, ancillary characters dying is of little concern to us. Even worse, when the movie tries to manipulate us one last time with a major decision made by one of these people, we’re just thankful he made the choice on his own because we wouldn't hesitate to shoot him, otherwise. Our lack of compassion for this character further proves that our roster of freedom fighters is made up of types rather than actual people. Magical Negro, anyone?

Okay, so depth is not found here. It’s a shoot ‘em up, popcorn flick designed by Americans for Americans and uses no uncertain terms. At being precisely this it succeeds. Note for note, it’s practically identical to the clunker Battleship. This one swaps out space aliens for North Koreans. Otherwise, they’re virtually the same. Somehow, this is still better. Perhaps because we can more readily identify with menaces from another country than another planet. More likely, this one removes just enough cheese and other Michael Bay-isms (I know he didn't direct Balttleship) to be a more believable, if still implausible tale. The action looks better and the run time is a good deal shorter, avoiding most of the long, boring stretches where nothing is really happening. Things are happening here all the time. This makes it a fun watch that uses our fears to create an action-filled adventure. There is no cinematic genius on display, so I wouldn't call it good. It’s just a better movie than Battleship constructed from the same parts.

MY SCORE: 5/10