Burlesque

Directed by Steve Antin.

2010. Rated PG-13, 119 minutes.

Cast:

Cher

Christina Aguilera

Stanley Tucci

Cam Gigandet

Eric Dane

Julianne Hough

Alan Cumming

Peter Gallagher

Kristen Bell

Glynn Turman

Terrence Jenkins

Chelsea Traille

Dainna Agron

Ali (Aguilera) flees her small hometown and dead-end job in search of fame and fortune in the big city. Once there, she stumbles into a burlesque bar owned by Tess (Cher) and just has to find a way to get on that stage. For you young’uns not sure what a burlesque bar is, I’ll (over) simplify. It’s a place where people go to watch women dance and get not quite naked. In this case, Cher has incorporated lip-syncing into all the routines and is pretty strict with the rule that no one sings live, but her. All of this is merely backdrop for the two real issues. The first, of course, is Ali's potential romance with barkeep turned roommate Jack (Gigandet). The other is that the club is going broke. You know how this works. They have x number of days to come up with x amount of money, or else.

It’s interesting that this movie uses lip-syncing as a focal point because it clearly imitates maybe a hundred musicals that came before it. Truth told, there is not one original bone in its body. Burlesque isn't just influenced by the movies of the past, it seems to have ingested them then jammed a finger down its own throat and regurgitated. We can predict the next event with alarming accuracy because we've seen this exact movie at least a few times before.

For the most part, the cast doesn't help. Cher brings the Cher persona and works just fine. Her less experienced co-star is not. Christina Aguilera isn't terrible, just boring. All that she really brings is that big voice to the numbers where she is eventually allowed to sing. Her love interest Cam Gigandet, as well as her fellow dancing girls (Kristen Bell and Julianne Hough among them) are all similarly vanilla, but don’t have any musical moments to elevate him. The one saving grace in this crowd is the remarkable Stanley Tucci. He continues to validate my belief that he’s one of the finest character actors of our time with another wonderful turn.

The scenes where girls are cavorting about on stage are truly the lifeblood of Burlesque. These, plus two other show-stopping moments make a valiant effort to save the film: the first time our heroine gets to sing and the powerful ballad Cher gets to belt out near the end. Unfortunately, they only prove to be brief reprieves from the movie trudging from one well-worn plot point to the next.

MY SCORE: 4.5/10

Rock of Ages

Directed by Adam Shankman.

2012. Rated PG-13, 123 minutes.

Cast:

Tom Cruise

Julianne Hough

Diego Boneta

Alec Baldwin

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Russell Brand

Paul Giamatti

Bryan Cranston

Malin Akerman

Mary J. Blige

Will Forte 

Kevin Nash

It is 1987 and The Bourbon Room is a legendary rock-n-roll club on Hollywood’s famed Sunset Strip. It’s where aspiring singers like Sherrie (Hough) come for a job when they’re fresh off the bus from their small hometowns. After all, rock god Stacee Jax (Cruise) got his start there and is coming back for his last show with his band, Arsenal, before embarking on a solo career. It’s where Drew (Boneta) already works. He fancies two things: Sherrie and being the next Stacee Jax. The Bourbon is also in the cross hairs of Mayor Whitmore (Cranston) and his high-profile and overzealous wife Patricia (Zeta-Jones). They are looking to clean up the strip, starting with its most famous den of sin. The Bourbon is run by Dennis (Baldwin) and his right hand man Lonny (Brand) and it is going broke. These story lines swirl about as now classic, pop infused rock songs blare through the speakers.

Rock of Ages is a musical in the most traditional sense of the word. Anytime and any place, people break into song while whoever is around dutifully provides background vocals and perform choreographed dance routines. Some are better than others, but all of them are cheesy. Regardless, they’re often saved by the sheer power of the songs they’re singing. You pretty much can’t help singing along if you've ever heard any of them before which is to say you've probably heard them a thousand times. However, after each song is done, we realize that what we just ate is not particularly filling. On the other hand, this changes a bit when there are actual stage performances. Most of them have more genuine emotion and edge to them thanks, in large part, to Tom Cruise. He seems to be channeling Axl Rose, both on and off the stage. It’s a mesmerizing turn by Cruise that, in a better movie, might have earned him some love during awards season.

The rest of the cast delivers mixed results and are not aided by the hackneyed writing. Paul Giamatti is great because that’s what he always is. Thankfully, he only sings a couple of bars in the whole movie. Bryan Cranston is mostly just there cheering on his wife, or sneaking out of the room to cheat on her. Russell Brand does his best Russell Brand impersonation, take it or leave it. Alec Baldwin is not as good as he is in those Capitol One commercials, except for when he gets to sing. He’s obviously thrilled someone was willing to pay him to croon. Now, he’s not the X factor or anything, but he appears to be having so much fun belting out tunes it’s infectious. That writing let him and Brand down in a major way, though. Musicals are, by nature, contrived. However, the turn their relationship takes feels so forced it’s beyond absurd. It only becomes what it is in order to wedge in the song they sing together. In contrast to Baldwin, we have Catherine Zeta-Jones. She is very good for most of the movie but terribly botches her big number. Her singing is okay, I guess, but watching her stiffly mimic old Michael Jackson moves is painful.

Speaking of painful, that’s precisely the way to describe the work turned in by our two young lovebirds. Julianne Hough is pretty, but hardly compelling and seems to be replaceable by any number of twenty-something Hollywood blondes. Ditto for Malin Akerman as Rolling Stone reporter Constance Sack. Believe it, or not, Diego Boneta fares even worse as Drew. His character struggles with being true to himself, and be a rocker, or do what his manager wants and front a boy band. Sadly, he’s not believable in either case. And more bad writing hurts him further. Early on, his character suffers from stage-fright. I get that even more suspension of belief is required to watch musicals than most other genres. Still, I’m hard pressed to accept that a guy whom I just saw give a rendition of “I Love Rock ‘n Roll” in a crowded record store, while dancing in the aisles no less, is afraid to sing once someone puts a microphone in front of him.

The better movie takes place when the two youngsters are not on the screen. It has considerable charm, again, much of which is due to Tom Cruise’s eccentric rock star. The rest is because of the familiar and still catchy songs. These tunes are fun no matter what, but a little less so when performed by Hough and Boneta who come off like a pair of posers. Perhaps, it’s because there is noticeably less grunge to either of them than anyone else in the movie. So, in addition to their blank acting, they’re both just way too glossy. Finally, that writing is just flat lazy as things are resolved suddenly without the end result feeling earned. In summation: see Rock of Ages for the music and Tom Cruise, skip it if you don’t think that will be enough.

Footloose (2011)

Directed by Craig Brewer.

2011. Rated PG-13, 113 minutes.

Cast:

Kenny Wormald

Julianne Hough

Dennis Quaid

Andie MacDowell

Miles Teller

Ser’Darius Blain

Ziah Colon

Patrick John Flueger

Ray McKinnon

Kim Dickens

On their way home from a party, Bobby and four of his friends are killed when his car has a head-on collision with a truck. It just so happens that his dad, Rev. Moore (Quaid) is not just the only preacher in town, he also holds lots of clout in the local politics of the small town of Bomont. In what has to be the mother of all overreactions, the good reverend successfully leads a charge to ban dancing by minors anywhere in town except at church functions. Now, wait a minute. I was actually paying attention to the beginning. Sure Bobby took his eyes off the road to give his girl a smooch, but it’s not like they danced out into the middle of the street and got run over. Besides, it’s apparent that no one has ever questioned the truck driver who, from the looks of the accident, is at least as much in the wrong as Bobby. I digress.

Fast forward three years and Bobby’s little sister Ariel (Hough) is now a high school senior. Due to his never-ending grief, dad is still an unrelenting prick. Wait…what? Did I say that out loud? Anyhoo, he’s evidently blind and/or no one in town talks to him because he knows nothing about what his little girl is only kinda sorta hiding. Despite daddy’s iron-fist approach, or perhaps because of it, she’s hanging out with a sleazy racecar driver who looks to be at least 30. Okay, maybe 25 but having lived a hard life. That the rev knows nothing about this is however somewhat plausible given that the whole town is way too distracted by the shiny new object in their midst to pay much attention to Ariel. The incandescent bauble they focus on is Ren (Wormald), a kid from Boston who quickly gets a rep as a devil-worshipping troublemaker when he…gasp…plays his music too loud for the sensitive ears of Bomont’s finest. Just never you mind that this high quality audio is blaring from an iPod rigged to fit the stock stereo system of a rotting forty year old VW bug. He further cements his status as a rebel when we find out he’s not afraid to get his boogie on in public. Oooooh! Stick it to the man!

By the way, there is very good reason I’ve mentioned Ariel and Ren in the same paragraph despite my former English professors chomping at the bit to slam the cursor down behind the word “life” and hit enter twice. It’s my more-subtle-than-the-movie’s way of implying what it all boils down to: Boy meets Girl. If you don’t know what that means in regards to this cinematic endeavor, you are beyond my help.

If you’re younger than the racecar driver, you may not be aware that this is a remake of the eighties flick of the same name that made Kevin Bacon a star. I wonder if that whole six degrees of Kevin Bacon thing works with the kids in this movie. All right, I’ll explain it to the babies in attendance. No, that’s not condescending at all and this sentence isn’t sarcastic, either (the emoticon that winks goes here). Allegedly, just about any actor can be linked to Bacon within six other actors. As an example, let’s use Colin Farrell. He was in SWAT with LL Cool J who was in The Last Holiday with Queen Latifah who was in with Bacon. Get it? There’s even a site that does the work for you: oracle of bacon.

Hey! Play with that on your own time. Let’s get back to the remake since that’s supposedly what you’re here for.

You know what? You might get back to that site sooner than you think. I don’t want to spend too much time on this. Suffice it to say that everything happens pretty much right on cue. After boy meets girl, he realizes she is already dating old racecar guy. He likes to drink beer and fight. Nope, not at all a redneck stereotype (yes, place another emoticon here). Boy also has two guy friends, one black and one white. How’d you know the black friend, along with all the other black kids in the movie, is a dancing whiz? I’ll bet you couldn’t guess the white friend can’t dance at all. No stereotypes here, either (you know what to do). Yup, this means there is a semi-comedic, drawn out, Rocky styled training montage for our double left-footed pal. Finally, our hero has to deal with that pesky ban on dancing.

Honestly, you can stop reading and go back to playing with the Bacon site. I’m merely amusing myself at this point, sating my inner pontificator, and have nothing more of value to say. I know it’s debatable that I’ve said anything of value at all. If you want to know how this compares to the original, I’ve no idea. That one is one of those movies I’ve seen in small bits and pieces of over the years on basic cable as I’ve flipped channels. I’ve got the gist of it and have probably seen it all but I’ve never actually sat down and watched it from start to finish. I’m in no rush.

How is this one on its own merit? I’ll not even dignify my own rhetorical question with a typically lengthy reply (isn’t this review too long, already?). I’ll put it like this: the story is better than any of the Step Up sequels I’ve seen (having not seen part 4, just yet), but the dancing isn’t as good. Decide accordingly.

MY SCORE: 4.5/10