Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Directed by Amy Heckerling.

1982. Rated R, 90 minutes.
Cast:
Jennifer Jason Leigh
Sean Penn
Phoebe Cates
Judge Reinhold
Brian Backer
Robert Romanus
Forest Whitaker
Amanda Wyss
Ray Walston
Anthony Edwards
Nicolas Cage

We get to hang out with some of Ridgemont High’s misguided youth. Like with most high school kids, getting laid is a major objective. A few are into sports, some into drugs, some work, etc. In fact, we spend much of our time at their after-school jobs. Hormones raging ensues.

Since the movie first opened so many years ago, surfer/stoner Spicoli (Penn) has been the character most identified with Fast Times. His face was on all the posters, prominently featured in all commercials and even now adorns the DVD cover. That Spicoli has reached iconic status is a testament to the character and Penn’s performance. Truth is he’s a secondary character with a subplot.

Something similar can be said of the movie’s most enduring moment. Phoebe Cates, as Linda, emerging from the swimming pool is arguably the greatest topless scene of all time. However, its impact on the film is minimal, far less than even Spicoli. Both have become ingrained in American society. Both have proven to be wonderful marketing tools. After not having watched it in well over a decade, those were the first things I thought of.

Honestly, if Spicoli being stoned and Linda removing her bikini top were major factors Fast Times would be a failure. Instead, it succeeds because of its maturity relative to other teen sex comedies. With that in mind, I don’t think it can be overstated that the main character and the director are both female. In most such movies, we focus on a guy from a guy’s perspective. In movies from Porky’s to Superbad sex is the desired end to all their means. Here, it becomes clear early on that for our heroine, Stacy (Leigh), sex is the means she uses to reach a desired end. In fact, we know this before she does. This not-so-subtle flipping of the script gives Fast Times a depth most such movies lack. Gone are the gross-out jokes we expect from these kinds of flicks. They’re replaced by humor derived from every day American teen experiences. Deservedly, it’s become the standard by which other teen sex comedies are judged.

For all of you uninitiated youngsters who haven’t seen Fast Times, yet: don’t let the above paragraph scare you. It’s plenty raunchy and funny. It just does a little more than most of the others of its ilk. Fast Times is also remarkable for its cast. A number of them went on to lengthy careers. Aside from Penn and star Jennifer Jason Leigh, there’s Forest Whitaker, Judge Reinhold and a don’t-blink-or-you’ll-miss-him appearance by Nicolas Cage. Cage, Penn and Whitaker gives the movie three future Oscar winners. Leigh was never nominated for Oscar, but is popularly believed to have been snubbed several times.

There’s more goodness beyond the cast. Fast Times was the first feature for director Amy Heckerling. She would go on to direct a number of hit movies, including National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Look Who’s Talking, Look Who’s Talking Too, and Clueless. It’s based on a book by Cameron Crowe, who also wrote the screenplay. He would go on to write and/or direct such movies as Say Anything, Almost Famous and Jerry Maguire. Simply put, Fast Times at Ridgemont High has much more under the hood than most teen sex comedies. Thirty years later, it still shows.

War Goddess

Directed by Terence Young.

1973. Rated R, 105 minutes.
Cast:
Alena Johnston
Sabine Sun
Angelo Infante
Rosanna Yanni
Fausto Tozzi
Ángel del Pozo
Lucianna Paluzzi
Rebecca Potok

Every now and then, the search for the terrifically terrible bears fruit. Mind you, it’s rotten fruit but that’s the point. Terence Young’s War Goddess is one such piece of deliciously digusting cinema. Who the hell is Terence Young? I dunno, but he directed and splattered his name across the title. Okay, any of you geniuses that actually know who he is, just play along. Anyhoo, War Goddess is a sword and sandal less-than-epic of the female persuasion. It is about the mythical Amazons, a race of almost entirely self-sufficient warrior women. The way the story shapes up, they’re barely more than a stone’s throw from Ancient Greece. During battle, they dress up like Romans, for some odd reason, and kill a lot of men. In fact, we open on one such battle.

First we see some not-so-gritty battle featuring the ladies slaying random enemy dudes. This culminates in Antiope (Johnston) killing some poor schlub with a sword through the gut. Not content with merely ending the man’s life, she then beheads him. By the way, this is not 300 styled one swipe decapitation. She must hack at this guy’s throat a couple dozen times while conversating with a fellow Amazon. Nice.

Next, we’re treated to a lengthy athletic competition the warrior babes are holding. There’s a little archery, some obstacle course and soon we realize that the winner of this whole thing will get to be queen for the next four years. After eliminating competitors all along the way, the final and deciding event is held. What is it? Wrestling, of course. Our final two ladies, Antiope and her arch-rival Oreitheia (Sun), strip down to just their shoddily made bikini bottoms, oil themselves up and get to grappling. I’m not making this up. Anyhoo, Antiope wins, gets the crown from her predecessor like she just won the Miss America pageant and immediately starts changing rules. She wants to go back to the days of strict discipline and conditioning. She says they’ve gotten soft and fat. Soft? Doesn’t look that way, but okay. Fat? Definitely not. Every one of them that I could see probably went back to their modeling careers after shooting this movie. Just saying.

Earlier, I stated the Amazons are “almost” entirely self-sufficient. Turns out they do need men for one reason, and one reason only: procreation. To that end, they pay the Greek army to come over for a few nights of baby-making. Any male infants are immediately discarded into the wild. Lovely. As part of the new Queen’s strict anti-male policy, the girls recite a chant about how disgusting men are while performing the act. Lo and behold, Queen Antiope goes against her own rules and falls in love with her sperm donor, Theseus (Infante). He’s being all incognito, posing as a captain in the army but he’s really the King of Greece. He wants to integrate men into their society and also falls for her in the process. Almost forgot: he’s married, but his wife is oddly cool with the idea of her hubby going off to use his sword on the Amazons.

Naturally, there’s some betrayal, war games between the Amazons and Greeks and some actual war, too. And just in case the semi-nude wrestling scene at the beginning wasn’t enough, we get a fully buck-nekkid wrasslin’ scene near the end between the same two women. Even better, or worse, depending on your point of view, this fight ends as one has the other pinned and they stare into each other’s eyes, then…BAM, we cut to a scene of the higher up ‘Zons holding a meeting. Our two combatants are holding each other and acting like they’re a little more than friendly all of a sudden. Hmm, something tells me we’re missing some footage here. That’s entirely possible. I neglected to mention that before the movie even starts, an apology flashes across the screen for the poor quality of the print because it was cobbled together from several sources.

If you can’t already tell, WG is bonkers from start to finish. Made during the grindhouse glory days of the 1970s, it has all the tenets of the exploitation genre: unintentional humor, bad dialogue, worse acting, laughable action and never more than a few minutes pass without the appearance of a naked body. Oh, it also has a decidedly anti-feminist ending which is actually a direct contrast with many of the most popular explotation flicks. I don’t know who this Terence Young guy is, but he’s served up a doozy with this one. The name sounds familiar, though. Let’s see what the trusty imdb.com has to say about him. The first thing I notice is that our flick actually has an Italian name: Le guerriere dal seno nudo which literally translates to “The Bare Breasted Warriors”. Makes sense. Woah, woah, woah! Really? In the decade or so prior to this movie, our boy Terence directed three of the most beloved Bond flicks of all time: Dr. No (1962), From Russia with Love (1963) and Thunderball (1965). Wha-wha-what happened? How did he end up doing this schlock? Wow, that’s just icing on a cake that’s so bad it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead

Directed by Gary Fleder.

1995. Rated R, 114 minutes.
Cast:
Andy Garcia
Christopher Walken
Christopher Lloyd
Bill Nunn

Jimmy the Saint (Garcia) is a small-time gangster gone straight but his new & legit business is experiencing hard-times. He gets hired by an old friend, The Man with the Plan (Walken) to scare off the boyfriend of his son's ex-girlfriend. He hires his old crew to convincingly do the job but, things go terribly wrong. It is at times funny, violent & even melodramatic. It’s a bit of an uneven watch because it tries to do so many things. However, Andy Garcia holds the movie together. Jimmy the Saint is the perfect character for him. In every role I've seen him, Garcia is ultra-smooth & generally has a glossy look about him. Jimmy is nothing if not smooth. He gives off the kind of coolness that other people recognize and would resent in other people as some sort of act but are inexplicably drawn to it in him. That coolness is fascinating, especially when he lets you in just enough to know that there are emotions there and it elevates the movie. The ending was a little off to me but that's offset by the pleasant surprise of seeing Steve Buscemi in a role where he doesn't just launch into his trademark cynical rants. In fact, he doesn't speak much at all.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

Attack the Block

Directed by Joe Cornish.

2011. Rated R, 88 minutes.
Cast:
John Boyega
Jodie Whittaker
Alex Esmail
Leeon Jones
Luke Treadaway
Franz Drameh
Jumayne Hunter
Nick Frost
Danielle Vitalis
Paige Meade
Sammy Williams
Michael Ajao

When an alien crash-landing interrupts their mugging, Moses (Boyega) and his crew don’t take too kindly to the situation. After a short chase and battle, they kill the little space creature and keep its body as a trophy. Lo and behold, lots more aliens start landing all over the neighborhood. Of course, these things are a whole lot bigger, meaner and seem to be after our group of juvenile delinquents. Alien monsters chasing the crew all over “The Block” ensues.

There are other problems afoot. Sam (Whittaker), the lady they mugged, has reported the incident to the police. Yes, she happens to live in the same building as the boys. After a narrow escape from the creatures, they accidentally ram the police van they’re driving into Hi-Hatz’s (Hunter) car. He’s the drug dealer/aspiring rapper they work for and aspire to be like. None too pleased, now he’s out to kill them as well. Whatever are the boys going to do? With Sam in tow through some unforeseen circumstances, they run, hide, get tracked down, fight a few of the monsters and run again.

All of this has to come to a head at some point. When it does is when we realize that not only are we rooting for a group of wayward teens, but we have real sympathy for Moses, leader of the pack. Throughout, he maintains a very serious demeanor even as sarcasm and snarkiness swirl about. Life and death situations are met head-on. There is not time for games, even if his friends aren’t nearly as steady. Through a subtle yet remarkable transformation, Moses becomes one of recent cinema’s most unlikely heroes.

Before we get to the end, we have fun watching the chase and trying to figure out what the aliens actually want. We laugh at the younger kids Probs (Williams) and Mayhem (Ajao), so desperate to be involved. We also laugh at the stoner humor provided by Ron (Frost) and Brewis (Treadaway). We even have cause to cringe when the aliens manage to get their paws on someone. It’s not a pretty sight. Those of us old enough to remember will also notice a few references to other movies scattered about. Most notably, there’s a big homage to the original Die Hard. All of this keeps us thoroughly entertained.

Attack the Block is a tightly wound story, clocking in at less than 90 minutes. The tradeoff is we don’t get to know much about anyone’s background. We know that, like lots of other teenagers they lie to get out of the house, but that’s about it. Aside from what we learn about Moses, it’s absent the character development that could’ve elevated this from very good to great. We’re not really let in on what the authorities might know about all of this, either. They seem only concerned with capturing the teenaged criminals despite all that’s clearly visible and that someone must’ve reported. That said, it’s still a fantastic ride that brings us to the edge of our seats and keeps us there.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work

Directed by Ricki Stern and Anne Sundberg.

2011. Rated R, 84 minutes.
Cast:
Joan Rivers
Jocelyn Pickett
Billy Sammeth
Melissa Rivers
Kathy Griffin
Don Rickles

Hip-hop icon Jay-Z once rapped “I’d rather die enormous than live dormant.” This is the mantra Joan Rivers seems to live by. She loves riding in limousines, wearing expensive things, living in a glamorous home and having people for whatever she needs. She works extremely hard to afford this lifestyle. She remarks several times how she could retire and live more modestly, but refuses to do so. This is the surface of Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. Her tireless efforts to maintain and grow her brand make up our action scenes. These are made all the more amazing by the fact we’re watching a 75 year old woman with more energy and drive that most people who’ve never known a world in which she was not a celebrity.

The dramatic scenes are made up of finding out where that drive comes from. Like the aforementioned Jay-Z, there is much bravado to Ms. Rivers. She fully maxes out the tough, old biddy persona. Publicly, there is nothing that can’t be handled with a sharp, expletive laced tirade. Away from the stage and glare of TV lights, we get to see the cracks in her armor. It turns out, Joan is hopelessly insecure. This insecurity propels her far more than her love of excess, though the two traits complement each other quite well. For our purposes, these unguarded moments make for compelling drama. They fill in the blanks created by the caricature she’s presented to us for decades.

Along the way, we meet many different facets of the legendary comedienne. After all, the cameras followed her around for a year. We see her as a mother, grandmother, humanitarian, playwright, actress, and of course, businesswoman. We get bits and pieces of many performances, as well. She works everything from a rinky-dink, hole in the wall club in Queens to 4,000 seat theaters in Vegas with the same passion.

We also get plenty of clips from the past. All of it is envelope pushing stuff. We hear her say some things that she acknowledges would be tame today, but were downright racy at the time. We see how these things paved the way for today’s comediennes, including herself and her own evolving act in which she talks freely about why she likes anal sex. Uptight, she is not.

There are some things glossed over. Most noticeable is the issue of her multiple plastic surgeries. She speaks briefly about them, acknowledging she went from being the poster-child of the nip/tuck industry to the butt of the jokes about it. She laments facing the jokes head-on when she agrees to be the guest of honor on a Comedy Central roast. However, she never really opens up about the whens and whys of her going under the knife. Just from reading this review we can get an inkling of her reasons. Still, it would’ve been nice to hear her articulate them.

Even without a great revelation about what she’s done to her face, “A Piece of Work” is a fascinating watch. We learn things about her we may not have know. We also get a glimpse inside the life of a really hard working woman. Best of all, this is accomplished without the heavy-handed slant toward creating conflict that hers and most reality TV shows suffers from. In the end, it’s probably not enough to turn Joan haters into Joan fans. However, it should give us newfound appreciation for all the things she’s gone through and accomplished.

Conan the Barbarian

Directed by Marcus Nispel.

2011. Rated R, 113 minutes.
Cast:
Jason Momoa
Rachel Nichols
Stephen Lang
Rose McGowan
Saïd Taghmaoui
Leo Howard
Ron Perlman
Bob Sapp

The people involved in making the 2011 version of Conan the Barbarian would like you to know that it has absolutely nothing to do with the 1982 movie which helped Arnold Schwarzenegger become a star. With that in mind, I’ll not mention “The Governator” or that film again. This movie is based more directly on the works of Robert E. Howard who created the character about 80 years ago. If ever there were a movie strictly about swords and sorcery, this is it. Both are responsible for all manner of death and/or dismemberment.

Well, there is a plot cobbled together. It actually starts with the bad guy, Khalar Zym (Lang). His wife had been killed some time ago, I think I heard a thousand years. Hmph. Now, with the help of his sorceress daughter Marique, played by a barely recognizable Rose McGowan, he’s trying to find the one woman of pure Archerion blood so he can use her body to resurrect his bride. Together, they will rule the world! Muwahahahahaahaha! Ahem, sorry. Anyhoo, this twisted father and daughter team don’t just look for the pure blooded girl, they go from village to village killing or enslaving everyon that isn’t who they’re looking for. As fate would have it, they come upon little Conan’s village (the character is played by Howard as a child). They make the tiny warrior watch his father die (Perlman handles the dying, here), then they burn the place to the ground killing the rest of our hero’s people. Fast forward about a decade. The evil dad and his evil-er female spawn are still searching for that special someone and Conan is out for revenge.

Like any other flick, Conan has its strengths and weaknesses. It’s strength is obviously the non-stop bloody violence. Body parts are hacked off or literally beaten to a pulp with great regularity. They fly all over the place, too. After it was over, I had to sweep up some severed heads, arms and legs, several each. I’m having new carpet put in this week, the blood soaked right through.

On the weak side is everything else. For starters, there is no character development. Even as simplistic as the plot is, the story-telling is muddled. The dialogue is a cheesy form of Olde English and almost all of the acting is over the top. Despite a love scene that says otherwise, there is little chemistry between Conan and “it girl” Tamara (Nichols). Finally, for some reason they wasted money and runtime by having none other than Morgan Freeman narrate. Don’t get me wrong, if you need a narrator for your movie, Freeman is an outstanding choice. Just having him read the labels on cereal boxes will probably sound good. The problem is after he gives a long spiel explaining something, we’re given a scene that shows us the exact same thing. Pick one.

With regards to picking, that’s what you will have to do before seeing this. You have to decide, if you don’t know already, what floats your boat. Long review short: Conan is one long gory action scene with a pause for topless wenches (that’s in the credits), another pause for sex and a few brief pauses for talking…er…yelling and grunting. The story is told in a way that makes me believe my 12 year old nephew worked closely with the director. Is it fun to sit through? If you’re looking for wall-to-wall action, then the answer is yes. Is there anything at all here that will leave a lasting impression? No.

Mean Johnny Barrows

Directed by Fred Williamson.

1976. Rated R, 86 minutes.
Cast:
Fred Williamson
Roddy McDowall
Jenny Sherman
Stuart Whitman

Blaxploitation legend and former NFL player Fred “The Hammer” Williamson directs and stars in this entry into the genre. He plays Johnny Barrows, a Vietnam vet who gets a dishonorable discharge after striking an officer. The officer totally deserved it, by the way. After the discharge, he finds himself on the streets with no money, no place to go and his rep as a war-hero and former college football star preceding him. He’s being actively recruited by the local mobsters to do some dirty work for them but resists. The question becomes how long can he do so and what will push him over the edge.

As far as Blaxploitation goes, this one’s little tame because Johnny spends much of the movie looking for an honest job and then trying to keep it. While admirable and probably riveting drama if handled correctly, it’s pretty boring the way it’s done here. When it finally cranks up we get the tough-talkin’ and cheesy kung-fu fightin’ we’ve been waiting for but it takes a long time to get there and has been repetitive along the way. What’s also strange about this from a Blaxploitation standpoint is that Williamson is the only Black person in the cast. At least, he’s the only one with a speaking part. Anyway, it’s not one of the those movies from the genre that’s so unbelievably bad you love it (there’s lots of those) nor is it one of the genre’s better movies. It’s just kind of “meh.”

MY SCORE: 4/10

Paul

Directed by Greg Mottola.

2011. Rated R, 104 minutes.
Cast:
Simon Pegg
Nick Frost
Seth Rogen
Kristen Wiig
Jeffrey Tambor
Jane Lynch
Jason Bateman
Sigourney Weaver
Bill Hader
Blythe Danner
John Carroll Lynch

The writer Graeme Willy (Frost) and his trusty cohort Clive Gollings (Pegg) are a couple of sci-fi geeks from the UK, in the United States to attend Comic-Con, an annual convention for the comic book industry. Afterwards, they tour some of the locations where famous UFO landings have allegedly taken place, like Area 51 and Roswell, New Mexico. Along the way, as luck would have it, they meet Paul (Rogen). Paul is the classic little green man with an enormous head alien. He enlists our less than dynamic duo to help him get home. All the while, the trio is being chased by man in black, Agent Zoil (Bateman). Zoil maintains almost constant contact with “The Big Guy”, whom we find out right away is actually a woman. What she actually looks like isn’t revealed until the end, so I won’t spoil it.

Eventually, the plot becomes reminiscent of E. T. This is fitting given that Pegg and Frost wrote the screenplay. Like their movies Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead before it, we’re treated to a steady stream of references to other movies. They’re done far more skillfully than in any of the “____ movies.” You know the ones: Scary, Date, etc. These references are weaved seamlessly into the tapestry of a story that stands on its own. We can actually enjoy the story we’re watching and enjoy the allusions. By the way, there are enough of them that you’ll probably miss a few, here and there.

References to other movies aren’t the only things that make us laugh. The way relationships are established and carried out are both funny and sweet. Most notably, the contentious nature of things between Graeme and Paul gets the most giggles. As stated by Paul, the two are characters that should be best friends but seem to be missing a connection. Even more of an edge is added when you factor in the lingering question of Graeme’s sexuality. Because of that question, the way he behaves in regards to others give us cause to pause.

In the title role, Seth Rogen acquits himself very well. True, Paul behaves much like most of Rogen’s characters but he’s easier to take when personifying another species. However, there could’ve been more to him. How did he get to be the foul-mouthed, cigarette smoking wise guy we know him to be?

Paul is a fun ride, overall. There are some stretches where it drags a bit. Occasionally, it gets too busy referencing other movies that it doesn’t quite work. Aside from the aforementioned stars, Jason Bateman was also very good as the agent tracking them down. Things are fairly predictable, but we’re not here for mystery. It wants you to laugh and possibly geek out with them on all the allusions you recognize. It does that.

MY SCORE: 7/10

Ong-Bak

Directed by Prachya Pinkaew.

2003. Rated R, 105 minutes.
Cast:
Tony Jaa
Petchtai Wongkamlao
Pumwaree Yodkamol
Suchao Pongwilai
Chumphorn Thepphithak
Cheathavuth Watcharakhun
Wannakit Sirioput

A country boy goes to the big city and kicks a whole lotta ass. By the way, I mean that literally. He doesn’t often kick, like with his foot or punch, like with his hand. He’s hitting guys with elbows, knees, even his entire torso. By guys, I mean lots of guys. Make that lots and lots of guys. There’s so many guys that he has to escape from time to time to catch his breath. By escape, I mean flipping over guys, walking on their heads, climbing a will and hopping a fence without using his hands, etc. Then he gets back to kickin’ ass. When it’s all over I’ve lost track of just how many asses he’s kicked. Yes, I mean that literally.

Um, plot? There is one, I guess. Our hero’s name is Ting (Jaa). He’s from a small village where they worship a Buddha-like figure called Ong-Bak. Heeeyyyyy, I wonder if that’s where they got the idea for the title. Duh. Anyhoo, Ong-Bak is symbolized by a statue they keep in their sanctuary. One of the young guys who left the village, moved to the big city and became a hoodlum steals the statue’s head in hopes of selling it for big bucks. Besides this, two things let us know there’s going to be a lof of fightin’. First, Ting volunteers to bring back Ong-Bak, by himself of course. More importantly, Ting’s master tells him that even though he taught him everything there is to know about Muay Thai, he doesn’t want him to ever use it. Hot diggity dang! As soon as I heard that I knew it was on. I hit pause, went and popped some popcorn, poured myself a tall glass of the beverage of my choice and spilled it all over the place as I ran back to the couch, picked up the remote and pressed play.

I’ve already spent too much time on the plot. Truthfully, the movie does this also. We mosey along at a pace that’s a little too slow as we’re introduced to new characters and the dynamics between them are set up. None of them warrants any mention as particularly interesting. What is interesting is when we get beyond all that and our hero gets down to business. Once he gets going, Ong-Bak becomes a special movie. Tony Jaa makes it so. The things he does are simply amazing. And yes, these are all organic stunts performed by Mr. Jaa himself. By organic I mean it really is all him, no cgi and no wires. It’s a stunning display of athleticism reminiscent of a young Jackie Chan, but without the comedic overtones.

For fans of martial arts flicks, this is a must-see. It’s more than worth the time it takes to wade through the less than thrilling first act to get to the non-stop fighting portion of the movie. Don’t come into this with any notions of a well-crafted scripted, character development, good acting or any other high saditty ideas. This is all about high-flyin’, bone-crunchin’ action. It’s all about amazing feats of human physicality. It’s all about a country boy going to the big city and kickin’ a whole lotta ass. Literally.

MY SCORE: 6/10

MARTIAL ARTS MOVIE SCORE: 9/10

What Doesn't Kill You

Directed by Brian Goodman.

2008. Rated R, 100 minutes.
Cast:
Mark Ruffalo
Ethan Hawke
Amanda Peet
Will Lyman
Brian Goodman
Donnie Wahlberg
Angela Featherstone
Edward Lynch

Two lifelong best friends, Brian (Ruffalo) and Paulie (Hawke), and career criminals deal with the trials and tribulations of the life they’ve chosen.

Though neither is a likeable guy, their frustration with where they’ve found themselves draws us in. To facilitate this we get excellent performances from both Ruffal and Hawke. Ruffalo, in particular, is outstanding. It’s an unfortunately overlooked portrayal of a man with many demons. The city of Boston is also a menacing character. Refreshingly, it’s subtly so. Unlike a lot of other movies set there, this one never puts it in your face. There are no extended scenes scored by blaring Irish music, no ridiculously bad New England accents, no shamrocks and no references to the Celtics or Red Sox. Instead, the city either mirrors the bleakness or hope of our heroes, depending on what’s going on, or enforces its own will upon them. It not only helps set the mood, but to change it, as well.

Our two (anti) heroes work for Sully (Lyman). We know they’re frustrated with their position in his organization and have an idea of the type of relationship he has with them, but it could’ve been much more fleshed out. How what transpires affect him might’ve added even more depth. I would also like to have seen more Detective Moran (Wahlberg). The subplot involving his character and Brian could’ve developed into an intriguing cat-and-mouse but instead, it’s a wasted opportunity.

This is definitely for those of us into gritty, urban drama. It gives us great acting and a story that keeps us locked in throughout. Interesting tidbit: apparently, this is inspired by the director’s real life.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

The Men Who Stare at Goats

Directed by Grant Heslov.

2009. Rated R, 94 minutes.
Cast:
George Clooney
Ewan McGregor
Jeff Bridges
Kevin Spacey
Stephen Lang
Robert Patrick
Waleed Zuaiter
Nick Offerman

Reporter Bob Wilton (McGregor) follows Lyn Cassady (Clooney) around the Middle East in hopes of writing an exposé about a secret military program to train soldiers with paranormal abilities. As the movie itself tells us, “more of this is true than you would believe.”

Clooney gives us another of his quirky, paranoid performances. Think O Brother, Where Art Thou? It’s one of the two types of roles he’s perfected, the ultra suave cynic being the other. He knows how to work us with excellent comic timing. Most of the movie’s best moments are his. The rest belong to Jeff Bridges who lets us know what The Dude from The Big Lebowski would be like as a soldier.

It wants to be a great oddball comedy. It’s definitely oddball but not consistently funny enough to keep us from noticing just how silly all this is, even though we’re not laughing. Ewan McGregor turns rather bland work. Part of the problem is he shares so much screentime with Clooney he never gets a chance to shine despite the movie being about his character. Finally, Kevin Spacey is underused as our villain if, for no other reason than it’s Kevin Spacey. Forgive me, I’m all about some Spacey.

It’s a premise with loads of potential that just doesn’t quite hit the mark. Unfortunately, even if it had it still may have been too strange for some.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

Bridesmaids

Directed by Paul Feig.

2011. Rated R, 125 minutes.
Cast:
Kristen Wiig
Maya Rudolph
Rose Byrne
Melissa McCarthy
Wendi McLendon-Covey
Elle Kemper
Chris O’Dowd
Jon Hamm
Jill Clayburgh
Terry Crews
Rebel Wilson

Annie’s (Wiig) life is in shambles. The bakery she owned recently fell victim to the recession. She loses her job, gets kicked out of her apartment and the man she really likes only uses her for sex. She does get to be a part of something good, though. Her best friend Lillian (Rudolph) is getting married and has asked Annie to be the maid of honor. Things are all hunky dory until she meets rich girl Helen (Byrne), who also happens to be vying for the title of Lillian’s best friend. Competition inspired hijinks and shenanigans ensue.

Bridesmaids is essentially a female version of a raunchy bromance. Think Wedding Crashers for women. Not surprisingly, it suffers from some of the same maladies that afflicted that movie. There are pockets that are outrageously funny and/or gross, but there are also sections that just drag along through the quagmire of rom-com clichés. Of course, Annie meets the sweet guy who is way better for her than the jerk she’s been pining for. Of course the comedy of errors she commits in trying to outdo Helen for Lillian’s friendship causes a big blowup. And of course you already know how this is going to play out.

Like I said, when the jokes come they work. Most of the credit for this should go to the “other” bridesmaids. Chief among them is Megan played by Melissa McCarthy, most recently of Mike and Molly sitcom fame. Her butch-but-hetero portrayal gets the most laughs. When given the room to breathe she, along with Rita (McLendon-Covey) and Becca (Kemper) tend to crack us up. However, they’re marginalized almost to the point of irrelevance. Instead, we get much more of Annie, Lillian and Helen interacting with one another. The problem is they’re all pretty straight-laced. To create hilarity these characters need the zany ones to react to and be affected by. This makes Bridesmaids and uneven watch. We trudge along to the beat of Annie’s pathetic drum until the rest of the gang pops in to make funnies for a few minutes then pops out again leaving us to be with Annie and her problems again.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a bad watch. It’s just not as funny as it should be. The pieces are all there for a truly great comedy. They just seem disadvantageously arranged like those of a chess player exposing her queen way too soon. Even after making this mistake, a skillful player can still do some damage and Bridesmaids does. Within this decent but largely forgettable film lies a couple unforgettable scenes. Most notable being the food poisoning. The whole movie definitely does not need to be that, essentially a vomit and poop fest, but it could certainly stand to ease up on the ‘woe is me’ vibe we get much of the time.

MY SCORE: 6/10

Half Nelson

Directed by Ryan Fleck.
2006. Rated R, 106 minutes.
Cast: 
Ryan Gosling
Shareeka Epps
Anthony Mackie
Jeff Lima
Nathan Corbett
Eleanor Hutchins
Tristan Wilds
Tina Holmes

Dan Dunne (Gosling) is a junior-high teacher struggling with drug-addiction and a newly-formed bond he has with Drey. She is one of his students who has her own troubled life and who accidentally sees her teacher/basketball coach Mr. Dunne getting high one night. This is about as far-removed from the normal teacher-saves-ghetto youth tale as you can get. The teacher in question tries to be that guy, but for obvious reasons can't. There's no magical tear-jerker or stand-up and cheer moments. It just trains an eye on these people and doesn't blink. What it becomes is an exhibition of people who perceive right or wrong based on their own circumstances. Since their circumstances, perception of those circumstances and whether "right" will be advantageous to them changes, how they feel about right or wrong also changes. Gosling is outstanding in the lead and Mackie is intriguing as a low-key neighborhood drug-dealer who is not your typical Hollywood thoroughly evil, flamboyant kingpin. He's just a guy who happens to have a somewhat dominant, but never over-the-top, personality and a skewed set of morals. Epps, as the little-girl caught in the middle, handles things with the believable non-chalantness of a 13 year-old but you sense there's some complicated things going on inside of her. When it’s all said and done, its a well-done movie that refuses to sugar-coat things. However, that also makes it a rather depressing experience. This is not one to watch if you're suicidal, easily upset or are planning a fun movie night at the house.

MY SCORE: 9/10

Halloween (1978)

Directed by John Carpenter.
1978. Rated R, 91 minutes.
Cast:
Jamie Lee Curtis
Donald Pleasance
P. J. Soles
Charles Cyphers
Kyle Richards
Brian Andrews
John Michael Graham

As a youngster Michael Myers kills his older sister on Halloween night and is put into a mental institution. Fifteen years later, again on Halloween night, Michael escapes and heads back to his hometown.

This is one of those rare movies that helped create a genre. In this case, that genre is the modern-day slasher flick or more specifically DTMs or dead-teenager-movies. Yes, there were slasher flicks, even DTMs before this but this provided the template for not only a host of sequels but also a slew of imitators that are still being made over 30 years later. As far as the actual movie, it uses some effective tension building methods that maintain a creepy feel to the movie even though not much actually happens over the first half of the film. Most notably these include the now-you-see-him-now-you-don't moments of the killer himself and the use of what I believe is one of the most effective scores in the history of cinema. Of course, things get fun when the bodies start piling up over the latter part of the movie.

The script cuts alot of corners. Its done in part to tighten the movie by keeping the run-time down. It's also done in part to keep from explaining things. For instance, how does this doctor seem to know what Michael Myers is thinking even though we're told he hasn't spoken a word since the night he killed his sister? Because what he sees in Myers' eyes is "pure EVIL", of course. How very scientific of you doc. There are more things in a similar vein so I could see why a remake would want to flesh things out. Unfortunately, Halloween establishes one of the slasher genre's main weaknesses right off the bat: the acting is nothing to write home about. Then scream-queen Jamie Lee Curtis isn't bad, you can see why she went on to bigger and better things. The rest of the cast is functional at best. By functional I mean they're slightly better than sounding like they're reading, except for Donald Pleasance as the doctor who just over-acts. However, all of that is forgivable especially given the same things still occur in horror movies so it doesn't even seem dated. What is laughable though is the way our bad guy fails to kill Jamie Lee Curtis (seeing how she's appeared in a few of the sequels and the movie is over 30 years old I don't think I'm spoiling anything). Honestly, more than once Myers has Jamie Lee at point blank range without her even aware of him, yet he misses her with a knife that has a blade on it the size of my forearm.

If you're a fan of horror movies, see this one if you haven't already. It's a classic within the genre and deserves to be seen. Definitely take a look if you plan on seeing the remake. I always recommend seeing the original, preferably before the remake. If you've already seen the remake but not the original, go back and see what they working with. If you're not a horror fan then skip it. The truth is it's a great slasher flick, among the best ever but not really a great movie in the grand scheme of things. There is a big difference between the two.

Trick 'r Treat

Directed by Michael Dougherty.
2007. Rated R, 82 minutes.
Cast:
Anna Paquin
Brian Cox
Dylan Baker
Rochelle Aytes
Quinn Lord
Lauren Lee Smith
Moneca Delain
Leslie Bibb

Our saga begins with Laurie (Bibb) and her husband arriving home from a night of Halloween fun. Their house has been decorated for the holiday and she wants to clean up. Horny hubby has other ideas. He throws a temper tantrum until the wife tells him to go upstairs and “put on the tape.” He happily jaunts up to the bedroom and pops in some porn while anxiously awaiting his lovely lady. Apparently needing to psych herself up, Laurie decides to stay downstairs and do some cleaning before giving her man a mercy-lay. As is often the case in horror movies, she hears a few strange noises and suddenly finds herself all sorts of murdered. That’s the end of story number one. Sorta.

After the opening credits, we’re told it’s “earlier.” Yeah, it’s one of those. Sometimes it’s earlier, sometimes later and pretty much impossible to keep up with. That doesn’t matter, we’re here for the killin’. To that end, a few more stories set themselves up. There’s the grade school principal who’s also a serial killer, a group of early teens in search of the truth behind a local urban legend, some college aged young ladies trying to get the one virgin among them laid and eventually, the principal’s neighbor meets a trick-or-treater. Other than happening in the same small town on the same night, the stories aren’t related. Well, two pairs do form as the stories intertwine somewhat. Even then, they aren’t really related, just sharing a character. Thankfully, they all end with that killin’ we’re here for.

Individually, each tale has a fair share of intrigue. They’re well told and all of them are twisted. However, the lack of cohesion works against it. Instead of watching a movie, it can occasionally feel like we have a severe case of ADD. We’re just jumping back and forth with no rhyme or reason. This creates the movie’s biggest problem. When it’s all said and done, it feels like a pointless affair. So, while it has lots of very interesting things going on, it never quite comes together.

MY SCORE: 6/10

Bug

Directed by William Friedkin.
2007. Rated R, 102 minutes.
Cast:
Ashley Judd
Michael Shannon
Harry Connick, Jr.
Lynn Collins

Lonely lady Agnes (Judd) is a chain smokin’, hard drinkin’ coke-snortin’ woman who’s scared of her abusive ex-husband, who’s just got out of jail, lives alone and has apparently become a lesbian. Maybe. Her kinda-sorta girlfriend, RC (Collins) introduces her to Peter (Shannon) who’s a bit of a weirdo but seems harmless. Well, Agnes takes him in and falls for him and then they discover a bug infestation in the motel room she uses as an apartment. It wants to blur the line between sanity and insanity, like Michael Clayton does a nice job of, and maybe make a statement about that but it just comes across as bazaar and a hard movie to watch. Being bazaar isn’t necessarily a bad thing, if you use what you have for some sort of graspable metaphor or thoughtful satire. Being bazaar just to be that way is just annoying. Sadly, the excellent work turned in by stars Ashley Judd and Michael Shannon are wasted on horrible material. Having seen it, it’s shocking that this was directed by the same man who directed The French Connection, The Exorcist and Rules of Engagement. Well, he also did Deal of the Century and Jade so I guess it’s not that big a deal. Anyway, unless you just have to see what Ashley Judd looks like naked while carrying 10 or 15 pounds more than you’re used to seeing on her, don’t bother.

MY SCORE: 3/10

The Strangers

Directed by Bryan Bertino.
2008. Rated R, 88 minutes
Cast:
Liv Tyler
Scott Speedman
Gemma Ward
Kip Weeks

A group of masked strangers terrorize a young couple at their summer home in the woods. The movie works hard to extract fear and dread from the tension of the situation and resists the urge to compile a bunch of cheap jump-scares or use a lot of gore. Liv Tyler proves to be a capable scream queen. Unlike much of his other work, Scott Speedman actually appears lifelike.

Our bad guys can get in and out of the house apparently at will yet still resort to cheap "scary" tactics like axing the front door. They can also control sound, I guess. They make extremely loud noises sometimes, which I get. What I don't get is they also do some things in silence that should be audible for at least half a mile. This gives them a superhuman quality that isn't needed. It makes the grave mistake of telling us the ending at the beginning. That has worked in lots of movies but in this instance it renders the whole thing pointless. It tells you what's going to happen and then spends the next hour and a half barrelling towards that inevitable conclusion without any mystery as to how we're going to arrive there. Therefore, an ending that could've been shocking, disturbing or some other awesome -ing is left impotent, or more accurately limp from its pre-mature activity.

It's actually a pretty good watch at home, at night, in the dark because the possibility of the situation is one most of us have at least thought about once or twice. However, it's not as good as it should be. Horror fans give it a look but don't expect the next great thing.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

Scream 4

The Satanic Rites of Dracula

Directed by Alan Gibson.
1973. Rated R, 87 minutes.
Cast:
Christopher Lee
Peter Cushing
Michael Coles
William Franklyn
Joanna Lumley
Freddie Jones

Some powerful people in British politics are being investigated under the suspicion that they belong to a satanic cult. It soon becomes apparent this is no ordinary cult but they are, in fact, working for Count Dracula. The first problem is that Christopher Lee’s Dracula is one of the lamest incarnations of the character I’ve ever seen. He has nowhere near the mental capacity of the other movie vampires and seems to possess none of their supernatural powers save for transforming people into vampires and immortality provided he avoids the sun and wooden stakes through the heart. Well, this guy can also be killed by silver bullets. Hmmm, I always thought that was for werewolves. Whatever. Forgetting that he needs at least some humans to sustain his own life, he’s bent on getting the humans working for him to create a suped up version of the Bubonic Plague that will wipe out the entire species. And for some unexplained reason he keeps all the ladies he’s transformed chained up in the basement. With a good deal of cheesy dialogue, lame action scenes, nudity and Lee’s poor Bela Lugosi impersonation it definitely finds it’s way into the so-bad-it’s-awesome category.

MY SCORE: -10/10

Silent Hill

Directed by Christophe Gans.
2006. Rated R, 125 minutes.
Cast:
Radha Mitchell
Laurie Holden
Sean Bean
Deborah Kara Unger
Kim Coates
Tanya Allen
Alice Krige
Jodelle Ferland

Little Sharon (Ferland) often has nightmares and sleepwalks. One night, she’s just about to jump off a cliff when mommy Rose (Mitchell) grabs her in a nick of time. All the while, she keeps screaming “Silent Hill!” over and over. Rose does a little research and finds out that Silent Hill is a town not too far from them right there in West Virginia. Forget about all that therapy crap. This mom is a bit more proactive. She quickly deduces that the only way to solve her daughter’s problems is by taking a drive to this place of which the little girl unconsciously howls at the moon. You see that? I wrote howl to suggest this is a werewolf movie when it’s not. My sleight of hand is spectacularly lame. I’m like a magician that says “Look over there” and then tries to peek at the card you picked. Let’s move on. With Sharon in tow, Rose gets in her SUV and heads for the apparently deserted town. On the way, she avoids a ticket by speeding away from a motorcycle cop, nearly runs over an ominous pedestrian, crashes and gets knocked out. When she comes to, she discovers she’s reached her destination, which is definitely the strangest place she’s ever been. More importantly, Sharon is missing. Rose and eventually Officer Bennett (Holden), the cop that chased her donw, running all over Silent Hill trying not to be killed by the town’s very weird creatures while looking for Sharon ensues. Based on a true…oh, wait…it’s based on a video game.

Like any movie based on a video game probably should be, Silent Hill relies heavily on its visuals. Once in this God forsaken place, we get scene after scene of amazing imagery. All sorts of creatures of the damned parade themselves across the screen. Those are just the ones that are moving. There are also a number of gross looking corpses lying or hanging around. Not to be deterred, our heroine’s press on through all the ghosts and goblins in their path facing death at every turn. Periodically, the screen goes completely black. Things get really hairy whenever we’re able to see again. As interesting as it is to look at, SH never really frightens us. The tension simply isn’t there. We’re fascinated by what we see, but not afraid of other. What we have is a movie that’s not scary, but grotesque enough for us to be unable to avert our eyes. This is its sleight of hand. Like mine, it is far too obvious. It screams “Look over there!” at the top of its lungs.

For a long stretch, the movie seems to meander along a general path without developing its tale. When it finally decides to saw the woman in half, so to speak, we can see through the box and see her feet tucked safely beneath her. In other words, instead of a revelation, we get an explanation. In what amounts to a cut scene from the game, one of the characters simply tells us everything we need to know. It feels like its source material was merely regurgitated rather than built upon. For fans of the franchise and of horror it’s an entertaining watch filled with visual treats. It’s in the argument for best movie ever made based on a video game. I know that’s not saying much, but it is what it is. That said, it still feels like not only could it be better, it should be.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10