300: Rise of an Empire

Directed by Noam Murro.

2014. Rated R, 102 minutes.

Cast:

Sullivan Stapleton

Eva Green

Lena Headey

Rodrigo Santoro

Jack O'Connell

Hans Matheson

Callan Mulvey

David Wenham

I know what a prequel is. I also know what a sequel is. This? I'm not sure what to call this. I guess a companion piece would be most apt. The story of 300: Rise of an Empire plays out as the story of 2007's 300 is taking place off screen. A simultanequel?

No.

Anyhoo, we follow General Themistocles (Stapleton) of Athens as he tries to unite Greece long enough to fight the Persians. Of course, by the time he gets to Sparta, Queen Gorgo (Headey) lets him know that her pig-headed, but abulous hubby Leonidas has already done the smart thing and taken 300 soldiers with him to handle that business. By smart, I mean suicidal. And abulous isn't a typo. Much like the first movie, we get lots of sweaty, shirtless, abulous men shouting passionately at one another then whipping out their long, hard swords and getting busy. Yup. That's what I said. Mixed in to all this are a pair of origin stories. One is for Xerxes (Santoro) - from zero to androgeny in sixty seconds, or something like that. The other is for Artemisia (Green), the top Persian Naval officer who actually serves as our villain. Action and stuff takes place. An equaquel?

No.

On the surface, Rise of an Empire is another fun, but dumb sword and sandal epic. Like its predecessor, it's heavy on visuals with lots of heads lopped off and blood splattering everywhere. Also like the first movie, so much slow-motion is used that if you played it all at regular speed, our feature might not even be an hour long. It's cool the first thousand times it's used, but becomes boring and repetitive after those fifteen minutes pass. Story-wise, it's a hodgepodge of heavily distorted historical tidbits performed by an ensemble actively engaging in a scenery chewing competition.

In the lead role, Stapleton occasionally tries to inject some thoughtfulness and subtlety into his role. Unfortunately, it leaves him feeling a little bland and nearly gets him swallowed whole by his ham-fisted cast mates. This is what ultimately renders Rise a lesser experience than 300 In that movie, Gerard Butler is perfectly over the top as Leonidas. Even surrounded by zany, implausible characters and cartoonish violence it was evident that no one, or no thing was more brazen than he. It's a magnetic performance tethering us to the fate of him and his 300 soldiers. Stapleton accomplishes no such feat. By comparison to those around him, his Themistocles is boring. We enjoy the salaciousness of everything Eva Green does as Artemisia. We have fun with Lena Headey's unwavering proclamations of the greatness of Sparta as Queen Gorgo. The action scenes dazzle our eyes. However, when our hero gets all contemplative and/or speaks in a normal voice it's real easy to check out until something else grabs us. The effect is that we don't much care about the plight of Greece. It's all just stuff happening in front of us that makes no connection with us. Connection. Concurrent. A concurrentquel?

No.

Beneath the surface, there is lots of fun to be had psycho-analyzing this movie. Earlier, I made a joke out of the fact that we spend a deal of time watching nearly naked men play with their big swords. As the saying goes, lots of truth is said in jest. That truth is that Rise plays like the fantasy of a sexually frustrated, slightly misogynistic, latent homosexual teenage boy. By itself, this isn't necessarily funny. The humor is in listening to all the macho types vehemently deny that this is even a possibility. I write none of this to belittle or show any disdain for homosexuality. It's just to discuss a subtext I find far more intriguing than the plot. And there are even more things that led me down this mental path. For starters, the women in this movie are not only domineering to the point of being terrifying, they pose serious problems for hero, as well. On the good guys' side, Leonidas is about to be, or has already been killed depending on which part of the movie we're on. Therefore, the one thing standing in the way of the unity of these men is a woman, Queen Gorgo. On the other side, Artemisia rules the men in her charge with an iron fist, suppressing even the slightest notions of individuality and self-expression. Sex with her is an angry grudge match rather than a loving encounter. The one man above her in the chain of command is effectively the one who "comes out." Even during the earliest parts of the movie, Xerxes is somewhat effeminate. However, at this juncture he's completely unsure of himself. He's also visibly depressed and can't fathom what his next move might be. Once he sheds his insecurities and, coincidentally (?), most of his clothing he suddenly becomes a revered figure, applauded after he has revealed his true nature. Okay, I was doing way too much thinking while watching a movie that begs us to turn our brains off. It probably doesn't help that these thoughts of mine were running parallel to the movie, going on at the same time but never quite meeting it. At least they never met where the movie wanted. A paralleloquel?

No.

Don't get the impression that Rise is a completely terrible movie. It's just not a good one, either. It's a somewhat fun time passer that seeks to recreate whatever magic the original has. Physically, it's a damn good replica. If they were people, the franchise's two movies would have remarkably similar appearances and mannerisms, as if they were brothers. Unfortunately, this one lacks the charisma that makes its sibling a compelling figure. Ah, that's it. A siblingquel.

No.

Never mind.