Dell's Pointless Lists: Not So Christmasy Christmas Movies

The big day is fast approaching. If your family is like mine, you try to take in some holiday movies throughout the season and especially on Christmas day, itself. By now, all the cheer and good will might be a bit sickening. I mean, how many times can you watch It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and the like? Maybe, like me, you're a bit subversive and you've already partaken in Bad Santa, or Scrooged this year. What the fa la la are you supposed to do now? Here's where I come in. Here are some movies that take place during the Christmas season, but are certainly not about giving you the warm and fuzzies.

20(-ish) Not So Christmasy Christmas Movies

(2004)    

If you're reading this, there's a reasonable chance that you're a fellow movie blogger. And you hate this movie. You all keep telling me it's the worst Best Pic winner and Brokeback Mountain was robbed, and blah blah blah. Here's the deal: I don't think it should've won Best Pic, either, but I like this about a thousand times more than Brokeback. There, I said it. Oh, almost forgot to tell you that despite the lack of snow, a side effect of taking place in Los Angeles, this is set over a 36 hour period smack dab in the middle of Christmas season. In case you somehow aren't familiar with this movie, and subsequently don't hate it, it's about a bunch of intersecting lives and their (our) effect on each other.

(2013)    

Don't wanna watch some schlub learn the true meaning of Christmas? How about diving deep into the mental issues of a superhero? Tony Stark spends the holiday season trying to come to grips with the truth that there are greater powers in the universe than Tony Stark. While he's at it, he also has to save the world from an international terrorist who has some very unique weapons and has targeted him directly. By the way, Stark makes a reference to one of my all time favorites when he tells a bespectacled lad "I loved you in A Christmas Story. The director here is Shane Black. Remember the name.

(1989)    

The first Ghostbusters is a near-universally loved classic. The sequel has lots more detractors. That said, I still enjoy it. This one takes place in the weeks leading up to New Years' Day which is when a sixteenth century tyrant plans on coming back to life and taking over the world. Since they ain't afraid of no ghosts, our heroes take on the task of trying to stop them. Even if you've seen it, give it another whirl and you might be surprised.

(1999)    

The last film of celebrated auteur Stanley Kubrick is a divisive one. It features Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman as a married couple working through the issues of a mundane marriage at a time when they were a real life married couple. The resulting movie is a hyper-sexual and surreal escapade involving fantasies and sex clubs. Get caught under the mistletoe in this movie and you might get more than a kiss.

(1998)    

Do you ever wonder how Santa Clause knows who's been naughty or nice? It's because he's watching you. Or, at least, big brother has his eyes on you. That's the driving force behind this underrated action/thriller. Will Smith plays a lawyer who is just being a regular guy, shopping for his wife's Christmas gift at a lingerie store that features live models. Nice. Anyhoo, by chance an old friend literally runs into him. As they talk, the guy slips some very sensitive info into our hero's bag without his knowledge. The only guy on his side is played by Gene Hackman, hence the pic above.

(1985)    

Lane's mom can't cook, his dad thinks he's on drugs, the local paperboy is after him for two dollars, and his girlfriend has just dumped him. He's given up and is trying to commit suicide over Christmas break. However, he can't even get that right. Still, there is potential for a turn around. A french foreign-exchange student named Monique (Diane Franklin, center in the pic above) has moved in with the odd family across the street. Hilarity ensues. In my opinion, this is still one of John Cusack's best performances.

(1984)    

Made during Hip Hop's infancy, we follow a couple of brothers and their friends in the South Bronx trying to carve out their niche in the culture's various elements. It all takes place in late December and winds up with a New Year's Eve bash. Before we flip the calendars, however, we have to get through Christmas. To help us, Rap icons The Treacherous Three, including the legendary Kool Moe Dee in the Santa hat, give us an inspired new carol...

(2005)    

Harold Ramis, the writer of Ghostbusters II, makes his second appearance on the list with this underrated dark comedy. So too, does John Cusack. Here, he plays a mob lawyer who joins forces with crooked businessman/pornographer played by Billy Bob Thornton to rob the local big-wig mobster of $2 million played by Randy Quaid. As you might imagine, this doesn't go over so well with the mobster. Our antiheroes are trying do the smart thing and get out of town as soon as possible. The problem? An ice storm has made it impossible to drive. It just ain't Christmas unless a crazed and upset gangster is after you, right?

(1992)    

Is there anything like Gotham City all decked out at Christmas time? I think not. There's certainly nothing like the inhabitants of said city. There's the secretary who was killed and brought back to life by a pack of cats and becomes a criminal. The guy who killed her is in cahoots with a dude who grew up in the sewer being raised by penguins and is now helping him run for mayor, The hopeful candidate happens to be a homicidal maniac, by the way. Then there's the guy who is determined to stop them. The odd part is he dresses in a leather batsuit. Though I think its predecessor is a better movie, there is no question this is far better fit in director Tim Burton's filmography. It just might be the weirdest superhero flick ever made.

(2005)    

Iron Man is back, but not as Iron Man. This time, Robert Downey Jr. plays a guy who is a burglar who accidentally becomes an actor. He pals around with an actor/private eye hired to help him out for his next...first...role played by Val Kilmer. At a Christmas party, he runs into his boyhood crush played by Michelle Monaghan. It also happens that the boys have possibly witnessed a murder and the guys who did it are after them. Yup, this is another wonderful dark comedy for you to enjoy. Oh yeah, the director is Shane Black.

(1982/1985/1986)    

Who knew that Sylvester Stallone was a sucker for Christmas? I don't know for a fact that he is, but he does have these three movies set during the Holiday season. The pic above is from Cobra. Not much mention is made of Christmas, but yeah you can clearly see the trees. This movie also gave us the brilliant line "You're the disease...and I'm the cure." That clearly better than Season's Greetings, right? In First Blood, the best of the three films, Sly plays a Vietnam vet who returns home during the season. In the wonderfully cheesetastic Rocky IV, the climactic battle between our hero and the evil Russian takes place on Christmas Day. Just for good measure, let's throw in The Expendables 2. I don't think it actually takes place during Christmas, but the plane they fly (with Jason Statham hanging out of it with a rifle) is definitely in the spirit...

(1996)    

Shane Black is back on the list. This time, he's the writer that gave us Samantha Cane, played by Geena Davis, a run-of-the-mill schoolteacher/mom who participates in the local Christmas parade. Things are shaken up when ruthless assassins show up to kill her and she has no idea why. She doesn't, at first. Slowly, but surely, it all comes back to her. Yup, she's actually a super secret agent with tons of attitude named Charly Baltimore. With the help of Mitch, played by the always excellent Samuel L. Jackson, she tries to get to the bottom of things. While doing so, she gives us the best use of Christmas lights of all time...

(1960)    

So Eyes Wide Shut, with hookers overdosing on speedballs people actually using the restroom, and all-out orgies, isn't one to watch with the whole family. You're a bit twisted and still want to sneak in a movie about sex right under grandma's nose. Give this classic a go. Jack Lemmon plays Bud, a lowly office drone who seems to have hit a dead end. However, there is a way to keep moving up that corporate ladder. Just let your bosses use your apartment to carry on their extra-marital affairs. Of course, lots of stuff happens at the company Christmas party. Don't worry about grandma. This is a mainstream movie made in 1960 and includes Fred MacMurray and Shirley MacLaine in addition to Lemmon. That means while the subject matter is risque there's not a cuss-word to be heard of naked body to be seen.

(2008)    

After a job goes wrong, a pair of hitmen are sent to Bruges to lie low and await further instructions. Of course, it just so happens to be the most wonderful time of the year. This hilarious dark comedy features one of Colin Farrell's best performances as well as outstanding work from Ralph Fiennes, Brendan Gleeson, Clemens Poesy, and Jordan Prentice. Just in case you're doubting me, yup, those are Christmas lights in the background. All that's missing is Geena Davis swinging from them while firing a machine gun.

(1983)    

Dan Akroyd plays a very rich guy. Eddie Murphy plays a very poor guy. The two unwittingly become part of a Holiday season social experiment by Akroyd's ultra-rich bosses played marvelously by Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche. They merely want to find out what would happen if the two switched places. Predictably, Akroyd turns to life of crime and Murphy becomes an upstanding citizen. However, once our subjects catch wind of what's going on so much more happens culminating in a New Year's Eve plot that finds Murphy dressed as an African national and greeting us all with "Merry New Year." Nice.

(1997)    

During Christmas time in 1952 Los Angeles, there are a string of murders known as The Night Owl Killings. We meet three cops, all separately investigating them. Each has their own personal reasons for wanting to solve the crime. This modern day noir wraps its murder mystery in police corruption and Hollywood slime. The actors playing those cops, Guy Pearce, Russell Crowe, and Kevin Spacey, are all phenomenal. The biggest drawback? We've got us another movie with no snow. What's with you L.A. people, anyway?

(2000)    

Just look at that face. Could anyone possibly be more unhappy to be at a Christmas party? He should be smiling. After all, Patrick Bateman is a single, but engaged, wealthy, and young investment banker during the part of the 80s when the people on Wall Street were practically printing money. He has not a care in the world. The most pressing thing he does is pontificate on pop music, particularly that of Whitney Houston and Huey Lewis. Well, there is that one thing. He just so happens to lead a secret life as a serial killer. Might explain the lack of Holiday cheer. In the lead role, Christian Bale turns in one of many amazing performances in his career.

(1984)    

For Christmas, dad brings you home this cute, cuddly little creature known as a Mogwai. Really, there's nothing as precious as that little guy in picture. Should be an easy thing to take care of, right? I mean, there are really only three rules to follow: don't expose it to bright light, don't get it wet, don't feed it after midnight. Well, when those rules get broken as rules are made to be, things get bad. Real bad. Fast. Let's just say what happens to the family dog is merely the tip of the Christmas tree.

(1987)    

Det. Murtaugh (Danny Glover) gets Det. Riggs (Mel Gibson) for a Christmas present and all of our lives are made better. Of course they were. This marked the start of the highly entertaining, profitable, and influential Lethal Weapon franchise. The two started their dual journey by investigating a suicide which turns out to be a homicide. Of course, the bad guys are extremely dangerous. It doesn't help that Riggs is, himself, suicidal and given to psychotic rage. It all just makes Murtaugh roll his eyes and say something I've become fond of saying, myself: "I'm too old for this shit." By the way, all of this comes courtesy of writer Shane Black.

(1988/1990)    

On Christmas Eve, John McClane (Bruce Willis) is just a regular cop trying to get back together with is wife. He arrives at the building in L.A. where she works while the company Christmas party is going on. Unfortunately, it so happens that a band of terrorists is taking over the building at that time. That's Die Hard. A couple years later, also on Christmas Eve, McClane is hanging out at the airport in Washington D.C. waiting for the wife he won back when a group of mercenaries decide they want to take over the airport. Seriously, this guy should just stay home every year on that night eating fruit cake and sipping egg nog. Fun fact: Producer Joe Silver pushed for the first movie to be set at Christmas after being inspired by Shane Black's Lethal Weapon.


If we've learned anything today, it's that Shane Black...

is really Santa Claus...

and my computer animation skills are suspect.

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