Monday, June 1, 2015

The Quick and Dirties: When Netflix Attacks!


A lot of my blogging is done late at night. This often means sitting in front of the television while I'm banging away on the laptop. Usually, this means watching a movie while doing so. What should I watch? It's late. Trying to dive into that two (plus) hour epic is not really a wise choice. Even if I don't fall asleep, I can't give it the attention it deserves while trying to craft the perfect post for you to read whenever you visit Dell on Movies. I need something easy to grasp that I can watch while working. It's gotta be fun, and preferably, short. You know what? Since it is late, why not make it something outlandish. Let's do that scroll we do when we're looking for something on Netflix that strikes our fancy. Ladies and gentlemen, that is how I came to watch the cinematic gems below.


Wolfcop
(2014)
Sgt. Lou Garou (Leo Fafard) has got to be the worst cop in the history of the world. He clocks in then heads down to the local bar where spends as much of his shift as possible sitting on a stool, getting plastered. If he makes it back to the station to clock out, he just turns around and heads back to the bar. And everyone knows this, including his boss. Sad thing is he's one of only three cops in town. So, when one of those rare occasions where he's actually needed arises, he goes to investigate a disturbance and then...something happens to him. Yup, he soon becomes a werewolf. As in most of these movies, the first transformation is the one where the budget was blown. In this case, it starts from the pecker. I don't mean a shot of him grabbing his crotch to imply this. I mean a full-on, zoomed in extra close-up of his penis wolfing out. Um...ewww. Said wolf is not a mindless beast, though. He's actually a much better cop than he is in human form. Some strangeness about shapeshifters eventually takes over in an attempt to give us something resembling a plot. It's a failed attempt, but whatever. This part of the movie is kicked off by the weirdest sex scene you'll ever see without typing in your credit card info, agreeing that you are at least 18 years of age, and really love animals. I mean, REALLY love animals. Yeah, it's so bad it's awesome!


Detroit 9000
(1973)
The big bash where Aubrey Hale Clayton (Rudy Challenger) announces he's going to run for Governor of Michigan is robbed by a very efficient team of professionals. The case is handled by Lt. Danny Bassett (Alex Rocco). A day or so later, a body is found in one of the Great Lakes that definitely didn't get there by accident. That case is handled by Sgt. Jesse Williams (Harry Rhodes). Thanks to Williams's quick deductive reasoning, it becomes apparent the two crimes are related. Reluctantly, the two cops decide to work together. Since it is the early 1970s and revolution is still in the air, it bears mentioning that Bassett is white and Williams is black. This doesn't amount to a hill of beans in the movie itself, outside of a few forced scenes where Bassett feels it necessary to declare that he's not racist. However, since every synopsis I read of this movie makes a big deal of it, I figured I'd mention it. I went in expecting a balls-to-the-wall blaxploitation flick about stickin' it to the man, complete with flamboyant pimps, jive turkeys, kung-fu fightin', and visible boom mics. What I got was simultaneously a disappointment and a pleasant surprise. Detroit 9000 is a genuinely solid, gritty crime drama. True, our heroes find themselves mixed up with hookers, and shady politicians, but this is pretty far removed from Dolemite, or even Superfly, for that matter. It does fall apart toward the end with unsatisfactory answers to some of the questions it raises, but until then, it's decent cop fare. No, I have no idea why they included "9000" in the title.


Switchblade Sisters
(1975)
Girls. In a gang. Using switchblades. And the occasional gun. They acquire this gun by using their switchblades on a repo man. Early. The leader, Lace (Robbie Lee), 'cuz that's a tough girl name, is all lovey-dovey with Dominic (Asher Brauner), the leader of the guy gang they pal around with. He's a real piece of work, too. The story is that the girls take in a new member, Maggie (Joanne Nail) after she proves her mettle, not once, but twice. She does it by first kicking one girl's ass in the diner where they roll up on her while she's just trying to get a bite to eat. Cops come and the chicks get thrown in the slammer. New girl proves herself again when lady guards try to get rough with them. I'm using the word 'lady' very loosely, as in during the fistfight that breaks out we can clearly see that a man is the stunt double for the warden. Oh yeah, it's that kind of ride. Anyhoo, guy gang leader takes a shine to Maggie who is also making a play for top spot in the girl gang. Yup, power struggle. Between girls. In a gang. Using switchblades. It's so bad it's awesome!


Bring Me the Head of the Machine Gun Woman
(2012)
Santiago (Matias Oviedo) is a slacker who lives with his mom and spends lots of time playing video games similar to Grand Theft Auto. He works as a DJ at a nightclub owned by a local gangster. He accidentally overhears the boss and a couple of his minions discussing plans to kill the Machine Gun Woman, whom we met earlier while she was doing a little killing of her own while wearing lingerie and thigh high stiletto heeled boots...

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Sorry. Where was I? Zoned out after thigh high stiletto heeled boots. Oh yeah, the DJ overhears something he shouldn't have. His boss threatens to kill him, but Santiago swears he can get the Machine Gun Woman so the boss gives him 24 hours to get the job done. Just to show he means business, the boss stabs one of the minions in the dude's one good eye. With that, the mission starts. It's broken up by GTA style title cards and gives us a nice mix of retro sounding music for our score. It switches between sounding 70s, 80s, and 90s, based on what's going on. This is a fun, ultra-violent, self-aware movie that brings the type of culture portrayed in GTA screaming to life. When I sat down to watch it I was ready for a so bad it's awesome experience. The ultra-goofy final battle between Santiago and a bunch of henchmen is precisely that. Strangely enough, I found the rest of the movie to be legitimately good low-budget schlock. Whatever that means.


Prison Girls
(1972)
Some forgettable tune plays while the opening credits are superimposed over old phots of real women in prison. Immediately after the music stops and the pictures fade we watch two women drop their towels, walk into a communal shower and start talking about their upcoming weekend furlough while trying to get the water to work. It does, by banging on the wall. They are then joined by two more women, and two more after that. Before you know it, the talking devolves into arguing and we've got us a massive nude soaking wet catfight on our hands. A warning young bucks, this is a 70s flick so there's lots of hair, ya know, the type you don't comb. Anyhoo, this is our introduction to the stars of the show. All of them are indeed getting a weekend pass even though they'll all be out soon, anyway. Each one of them takes to the opportunity to have some sort of sexual (mis)adventure. We watch one girl at a time, except the next to last segment which includes two of the girls. Uh-huh. By now, you should know that I'm not against exploitation flicks. Nor am I against soft-core porn, which this clearly is. However, while traversing in these genres you occasionally come across one that's too sleazy to enjoy. In other words, yes, Obi-wan, the misogyny is strong in this one. I don't like to throw around the M-word unless I feel it's warranted. It is. For starters, two of our chapters include the girl having a disagreement with someone who then pins her to the floor and repeatedly bitch-slaps her. Each time, this is followed by the girl falling in line and passionately engaging in sex with the person who just went upside her head. Another features the girl getting gang-raped. This scene never actually ends. We just eventually cut away from it. In another, well, I'll just stop here. I think you get the point. And I haven't even mentioned the plethora of camera angles that blatantly cut out a woman's face, while she's talking no less, and concentrates on her lady parts. Don't get me wrong. I love naked women, but this felt extra dirty. The shower I took afterwards didn't really help. They haven't invented anything I can use to scrub my eyeballs.


Zombeavers
(2014)
A couple of dweebs are driving a delivery truck filled with hazardous material. When they hit a deer, a canister containing some unspecified green liquid falls off the back of the truck, rolls off the road, and into the local lake. Cue opening credits. After this, we meet upset Jenn (Lexi Atkins), nerdy Mary (Rachel Melvin), and horny Zoe (Cortney Palm), a trio of college girls just getting away for the weekend. Of course, their very horny boyfriends have managed to track them down to make it a party. There's just one little problem. That green liquid has made zombies of the area's beaver population. Pretty much what you'd expect ensues. Don't take that to mean this isn't fun, because dammit, it is. Things start a little slow, especially for a movie not much over an hour long. Once it gets cranking, though, it's a wild ride. Our beavers look hilariously, yet marvelously, fake. The writing is mostly generic, but contains a few gems. For instance, when one of the dudes confesses that he's never seen a beaver up close, his girlfriend pipes in with "Maybe you should try going down on me, once in a while." Outstanding. Speaking of the ladies, there is a nice twist on the concept of the "Final Girl" and what happens to her. Acting-wise, it's actually not that bad. Part of the reason is that veteran Rex Linn has a good-sized role and Bill Burr turns up in a bit part. Who knows how they got roped into this. Even John Mayer is here. In the gore department, things get pretty nasty. While the Beavers themselves are clearly fake, the Zombeavers make-up team does some nice work. Oh, the make-up is for what happens to people after they've been bitten by one of these creatures. Their handiwork culminates in the worst blowjob since mouths and genitals first came together. If you haven't guessed it by now, this is so bad it's awesome!

More B-Movie Madness!

12 comments:

  1. I've heard of Switchblade Sisters as I recall that Quentin Tarantino re-released the film the mid-90s through a label he created that also released Wong Kar-Wai's Chungking Express to American audiences in the mid-90s.

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    1. I found that out when I was looking up cast member names for this post. It's a fun flick.

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  2. Well that's quite a collection of drive-in cinema level entertainment! The only one I've seen is Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (with a title like that how could I resist) though I've heard of Swtichblade Sisters.

    Speaking of drive-ins there use to be one about 15 minutes from my home and that's where I heard of Switchblade Sisters, I was too young when it was playing there to see it but I can remember the name up on the beat up marquee in chipped black letters. Occasionally they would get a kid flick, some Disneys or some such and we'd pile into the station wagon with our homemade popcorn and snacks, park close to the screen and listen to the movie on the tinny microphone attached to the door. It was a blast. There's a corporate center there now. :-(

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    1. Oh, this is definitely z-grade entertainment. No doubt about that. Love your recollection of drive-ins. Pretty sure the last time I went to one was in the late 70s or early 80s.

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  3. Oh my god, these all sound so insane! My imagination can only go so far in regards to that Wolfcop sex scene. Holy hell, I bet that's a doozy.

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    1. They are insane. No two ways about it. That Wolfcop sex scene is definitely...strange, but the real mind-blower is seeing his penis transform.

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  4. "A warning young bucks, this is a 70s flick so there's lots of hair, ya know, the type you don't comb."
    "They haven't invented anything I can use to scrub my eyeballs."

    Dell, if this post was NBA Jam, you're raining threes through a burned net and dunking from half-court. F--king brilliant, man. I laughed my ass off.

    You know what I've seen, and I'm glad we pretty much agree all the way around. If I can track down the rest of these, I'm totally in. I'm not sure where to start though, you know? I mean...Prison Girls seems to obvious. Maybe I'm feeling a little 9000-ey...if that's a thing.

    Ugh. Soooooo good.

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    1. NBA Jam, yes!!! Used to play the hell out of that game. If you don't mind it being in Spanish, Bring Me the Head of the Machine Gun Woman might be your best fit. 9000 is great, but stretches out past 100 minutes. And 9000-ey is a thing. I say so. Thanks!

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  5. Ahahaha, when B-movies attack! :P There's actually a movie called Wolfcop?? In 2014??! OMG!

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  6. GREAT post!! I've GOT to see Prison Girls!!

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