Sunday, November 29, 2015

The 20 Worst Movies of 2014


The holiday season is a time of happy thoughts. Believe it or not, these movies give me the giggles. It's because of films like this, I can better appreciate how much effort it takes to actually make something most of us praise as good. So yeah, I'm giving thanks for these turkeys. I'm probably pissing a few of you off in the process, too. Ah, good times. I have reviewed most of the offenders right here on this site. Click on the titles to get a clearer understand why these movies are here.

The 20 Worst Movies of 2014

Stuff I'm told is bad, but I decided to skip: Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who is John Galt, Best Night Ever, Devil's Knot, Drive Hard, Hateship, Loveship, Heaven is For Real, Labor Day, Left Behind, The Legend of Hercules, Men, Women, and Children, Miss Meadows, The Nut Job, Saving Christmas, Third Person, Walk of Shame, Winter's Tale

The movie yearns for the days when men brought home the bacon for women to fry up in a pan.


19. Blended
It's a mess I'd rather not spend anymore time on.

18. Tammy
This is a string of dreadful jokes that thud loudly as they crash into a bucket of unfunny.

Think Transformers, but with turtles in place of robots.

Earth to Echo has all of Spielberg's style, but none of his substance.

Everything about this movie feels overly contrived and overly derivative.

14. Ida
I spent the entire runtime thinking how much better this would've been if it were actually about Wanda.

To create the sequel, directors Rodriguez and Miller definitely used the bottle marked Sin City. They just never caught the lightning to go in it.

We're left with a film struggling to remove the spectacle from a story which most lends itself to that very thing.

It tries to give us the same plot when it doesn't fit the people our heroes were at the end of the first film.

10. Transcendence
A kooky sci-fi thriller that swims in deep waters, and drowns.

While trying to cram in as many bad guys and plot lines as it possibly can, it makes a mess of itself.

Nothing happens. Nothing at all.

7. Locke
Hardy is a great performer, but even he can't make watching someone talk on their cell phone during a really long drive interesting.

A collection of still photos rapidly cycled through in one of those four minute time-lapse videos you can watch on YouTube would have had the same effect, and taken up much less of your day.

The credits roll and we realize yet another novel for young adults (that I'll never read) has been made into a crappy movie.

4. A Million Ways to Die in the West
I'm guessing Seth McFarlane has some incriminating photos of Charlize Theron locked away somewhere. Why else would she agree to be in this?

3. Stranger by the Lake
As assembled, it's a jumble of parts meant for different machines.

It's as bad as you've heard. It's probably worse than that, really.

I actually want some Godzilla in my Godzilla movies.


Dishonorable Mentions: American Sniper, Dolphin Tale 2, The Fault in Our Stars, Frankie & Alice, Horrible Bosses 2, I, Frankenstein, Into the Woods, Jersey Boys, Oculus, Sex Tape, The Theory of Everything, When the Game Stands Tall, White Bird in a Blizzard


46 comments:

  1. I saw some of these and while I will disagree with you on Boyhood, Ida, and Only Lovers Left Alive. The rest I will agree on as I'm just glad you didn't see Winter's Tale unless you want to have a laugh. It's so fucking bad.

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    1. Everyone will probably disagree with me on those three, so it's okay. They all had the same basic problem. I found them incredibly boring.

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  2. Well I'd sit through 4h of Locke, let alone 80 minutes for Hardy :)

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    1. I love Hardy, not the same way you do, but I'm a fan of the dude. I just couldn't with this movie.

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  3. Holy SHIT, Wendell! Godzilla beat out Michael Bay?! That is an impressive accomplishment. I kind of liked Godzilla. I didn't love it, but it was decent family entertainment. Other than that I don't think I've seen any of these movies. I am surprised to see Ida on the list, since it got positive reviews, and didn't it get an Oscar? Boyhood seems to be one of those delightfully divisive movies. You either fall in love with it or you pray that someday, somehow you'll get back those wasted hours of your life.

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    1. Michael Bay vs. Godzilla came down to a couple of things. First and foremost, the Transformers movie was much more about Transformers than the Godzilla movie was about Godzilla. Second, as bad as Age of Extinction is, something actually happened. Godzilla was two hours of bad writing filled with allusions to what was supposed to be the main guy backed with a couple minutes of monster fights. Ugh. I hate that movie.

      I'm certainly on the latter side for Boyhood. Damn near three hours just gone for no good reason.

      Yes, Ida did win an Oscar for Best Foreign Film. I have no freaking clue why. Just to show you I'm not alone, I'll refer you to Fisti's site where we discussed it as part of his 4 Ways a Best Picture Roundtable.

      http://afistfuloffilms.blogspot.com/2015/09/4-ways-best-picture-2014.html

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  4. You know what, I actually liked Sin City 2... and Locke... and Boyhood... and even Godzilla. I mean Boyhood I'm not a huge fan of but I still think it's good haha! I think Ouija should have been on this list though...

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    1. Hey, a Sin City 2 fan! That one just failed for me right from the start.Ouija was just bland and forgettable.

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  5. Very interesting. Some of these we differ quite a bit like Locke, Stranger By The Lake, Ida, and Only Lovers Left Alive. I would've said Boyhood, but I don't necessarily love the movie like before. For my number one worst movie, I had Under The Skin because I didn't really "get it," but I might revisit it to see if my opinion changes. Agree with you on Tammy, though. Thankfully Melissa McCarthy immediately rebounded with St. Vincent and Spy.

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    1. The ones you listed are the ones I suspect most people like, judging by all the praise they've gotten. I actually loved Under the Skin, but I fully understand anyone who hates it. It's a cryptic film, to be sure. I still need to see St. Vincent, but I loved Spy.

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  6. I loved "Sin City: A Dame to Kill For" so much that it being pretty terrible didn't bother me a bit.

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    1. That's the spirit! I also have a few 2014 flicks that I love even though I know they're terrible: The Expendables 3, Lucy, Need for Speed to name a few.

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    2. OMG! Lucy!
      We saw it at the theater. About 15 minutes into it, I started cracking up, which made my brother crack up. It made my then-11-year-old nephew kind of mad because he takes movies seriously. But about halfway through the movie, he was laughing too. By the end, al three of us were cracking up every two or three minutes. If it had been a crowded theater, I think we might have gotten kicked out.

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    3. I'm saw glad I saw this at home for that very reason. I was just shaking my head and laughing almost the entire time. My wife and kids just couldn't understand why I thought this pure action flick was a comedy.

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  7. Totally agree with you regarding Boyhood, but totally disagree with you regarding Only Lovers Left Alive. Great post! I'd love to see your shit list for 2015...a lot of crap movies came out this year!

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    1. Only Lovers was like watching paint dry. Since we agree on Boyhood, I can let that little indiscretion slide, lol. Unfortunately, it will be a while before I get to posting a shit list for 2015. Just haven't seen enough, yet.

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    2. I liked Mortdecai a lot because it was so weird. But it was not good. Not good at all.

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    3. Haven't seen it myself, just yet. Think it's a 2015 flick, though.

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  8. Luckily I missed a few of those as chose not to go to the cinema to see them. Good idea by the looks of it! I really enjoyed both Locke and Boyhood and pretty sure I put them on my best of 2014 top 10 list!

    Some of your choices made my top 10 worst list as well though :-)

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    1. Definitely a good choice not to spend money on these. Lots of people love Locke and Boyhood, so you're forgiven. :)

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  9. I skipped some of what you mentioned, and agree with a few on your list. Have to disagree with Boyhood and Locke though, liked both movies. I'm watching Only Lovers Left Alive and so far I'm agreeing with your statement! Great list!

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    1. Can't wait to see if that holds true all the way through Only Lovers!

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  10. Well I've only seen two of these. Boyhood which I loathed and Stranger by the Lake which I thought was a mismash but not as big a miss as you did. I'd never watch it again though.

    Several others on the list I've considered but the word on them has been so bad I skipped them, looks like that was the right choice.

    I was wondering where you were with the Thursday three movie picks this week but I see that you had your hands full with this and the holiday.

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    1. I'll take you openly saying you'll never watch Stranger by the Lake again as a total agreement with me, lol.

      Absolutely had my hands full. I plan on being back in the Thursday saddle this week, though.

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  11. Best single-sentence summation of Exodus: Gods And Kings I've ever read. Kudos!

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  12. I've seen most of them, and while I disagree on Ida, Boyhood and Only Lovers Left Alive, the others are just terrible.

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    1. I'm good with that. I know that I'm on an island with those three.

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  13. The only one I'd really disagree with is Locke, because I found Hardy's character very engaging, but I can see why others wouldn't get on with it. Godzilla being #1 was a surprise, but again I get it. And you've made me dread getting to Ida some day, so thanks for that!

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    1. Well, Ida won an Oscar, so there's that.

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  14. Im among the few people who actually liked both Godzilla and ASM 2 so on a slight disagreement with you there, but agree with most of your picks.

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    1. Lots of people liked Godzilla, so I get that. You're making me search your site for a review of ASM2 to see what in the world you found to like about it.

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  15. LOL at the sentence about Tammy - far funnier than the movie itself. I kinda liked Godzilla, even though I agree that there wasn't enough Godzilla in it. And I liked Stranger by the Lake, too, although I don't think it was quite as great as the praise led me to believe it was.

    And for what it's worth, I thought A Million Ways... was mostly hilarious, and Charlize was kinda great in it, although overall it kinda missed the mark.

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    1. High expectations is a large reason Stranger by the Lake got such a lofty spot, here. I was expecting something great, but got something horrendous. Jusy about all the jokes in A Million Ways completely missed with me. And Theron is always great. That goes without saying.

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  16. I liked a few of the movies listed here, but man, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For was just dreadful. And I loved the first one.

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  17. I missed a lot of theses (Thank God) but I agree on so many. Especially Boyhood. Ida and Only Lovers Left Alive underwhelmed me so much.

    I didn't hate Godzilla though, I actually like it even more after watching Screen Junkie's "honest" trailer about it. It makes it more amusing.

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    1. That honest trailer was totally truthful and about a thousand times better than the movie.

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  18. Ida and Only Lovers Left Alive are very slow and somewhat cold, I didn't enjoy sitting through those films either. I enjoyed Locke, but I could see how the story might bore others.

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    1. I just couldn't grab onto anything in Locke. A dude in his car chatting on the phone is just not compelling to me, in the least.

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  19. It's amazing how two people can perceive the same thing so differently. One or two entries on this list made my top 20. Some of the entries on your top 20 list made my worst 20. But anyway, agree about Godzilla. It was truly terrible. That and Spiderman were so frustrating cause the main character was hardly present. I loved both Blended and Locke. Both films resonated with me. Saw Locke on TV the other day, appreciated it a lot more than I did when I first saw it. Good list though, always great to get a different perspective

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    1. Exactly. How boring would it be if we all shared the same opinions on everything? Glad to see we agree on Godzilla, though. I just can't understand why people were falling all over themselves to praise it. Then I remembered people will go out of their way to love up on some 'zilla. The dreadful 1998 version that no one will admit to liking was actually the 3rd highest grossing film in the world that year. Then again, the horrid Armageddon was first, so it makes total sense.

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  20. I've seen one of these. You can probably work out which. Adam Sandler in a film does tend to put me off. Transcedence sounds so disappointing.

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    1. Transcendence is extremely disappointing. Don't bother.

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  21. I'm one who actually likes Boyhood. Note that I said, "like." I definitely don't love it, but the passage of time thing works for me. Hawke and Arquette were both great. That kid, though. Not so much.

    I was quite underwhelmed by Only Lovers Left Alive. What a boring piece of nothing. A few cool scenes, some clever writing here and there but ultimately a slog fest.

    The only other one I've seen was Ida. I think I liked that a bit better than the rest of our Four Ways panel, for the most part. Still. Not as great as so many hailed it as.

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    1. Underwhelmed basically sums up my feelings on all three of these.

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