Deadpool 2

Dell's Pointless Lists: Greatest Actors Who Played in the NFL

Blended

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2

Directed by Cody Cameron, Kris Pearn.

2013. Rated PG, 95 minutes.

Cast:

Bill Hader

Anna Faris

James Caan

Will Forte

Andy Samberg

Benjamin Bratt

Neil Patrick Harris

Terry Crews

Kristen Schaal

Al Roker

Khamani Griffin

Precisely eight minutes after the events of the first movie, we begin our next adventure with Flint Lockwood (Hader) and the rest of his island clan. In case you don't remember what happened in the original, we start things off with a recap to get you caught up. The bottom line is there is a lot of cleaning up to do. There is literally food just lying around everywhere. In swoops famed scientist Chester V (Forte). Chester dispatches his subordinates to clean up the mess and sweet talks our hero into coming to work for him. Flint agrees then he and all his friends and family are evacuated while the clean-up is going on. We know what Flint doesn't. We know that Chester is really the bad guy and has an evil plan involving the machine our hero invented in that first film. We also find out that the food on island is alive and very dangerous.

Narratively, the movie shoots itself in the foot almost immediately by revealing that Chester has ulterior motives. He basically announces he's dishonest and is tricking our hero. The unintended consequence of this is that the good guys look like idiots instead of heroes. Even young viewers might be wondering why Flint doesn't see what's going on when Chester's admission makes his intentions more than obvious. It doesn't help that Flint is presented as clueless about anything except his own inventions.

Another issue is that the surrounding cast is given much less to do this time around. There are a few nice scenes between Flint and his father Tim (Caan). For the most part, though, dad is relegated to hanging with a group of sardine loving pickles. Sardine loving pickles is a phrase I never thought I'd type in a million years, but that is precisely what I meant. Earl Devereaux was played wonderfully in the first movie by, of all people, Mr. T. This time around he's played by Terry Crews, and we hardly see him. I remember him in a dress in one scene and making a chest hair joke later on, but that's about it. Anna Faris gets roughly the same workload this time around as Sam Sparks, the girlfriend/voice of reason, and might be the most likable character in the film. In place of these diminished series vets, we get Chester channeling Steve Jobs during one of those Apple conventions when he was announcing the next big thing. There is also his sidekick Barb (Schaal). I'll just say she's an ape with conscience and leave it at that.

All that stuff is bad, but hardly deal-breakers. Kids repeatedly sit through many worse offenders. What tears it for me is how aggressively bizarre the whole thing is. And not in a good way, either. It's an off putting kind of strange that gets worse as it goes along. We start by meeting much of the food. It's all edible versions of things in the real animal kingdom. This is a bit weird, but creative so I'm fine with that. The things done with them following this just rub me the wrong way. Most upsetting was the whole scenario involving strawberry poop. Hmmm, another phrase I never thought I'd use. You just have to see it to understand. Or not, if you're smart. I will give the powers that be some credit for one thing that was done with this aspect of the movie. Every so often, we'd get a pretty clear homage to Jurassic Park. They seem to be trying to invoke the same sense of wonder viewers felt the first time they'd laid eyes on Spielberg's dinosaurs. At this it fails, but they're still nice little nods.

I'm sure you've already figured this out, but Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 is not my cup of tea. The original was warm, funny, and had tons of charm. This one is lazily written and oddly executed. Instead of rebuilding the empathy we felt the first time around, the sequel assumes it remains with us and proceeds right to all the zany situations. These situations are where most of the energy is spent, but needed to be reined in. It becomes one of those instances when creativity runs amok. No one realized that everything that pops into your head isn't a good idea. While watching the first movie, it was hard to stop smiling and harder not to be drawn in by the characters and their plight. This time, I spent a lot of time cringing and shaking my head.

MY SCORE: 3/10

The Expendables 2

Directed by Simon West.

2012. Rated R, 103 minutes.

Cast:

Sylvester Stallone

Jason Statham

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Bruce Willis

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Chuck Norris

Nan Yu

Dolph Lundgren

Jet Li

Terry Crews

Randy Couture

Charisma Carpenter

Everything goes boom. There’s really not much more description or explanation needed. This is a movie simply about everything going boom and the guys we love to watch make stuff go boom making stuff go boom. We have plenty of holdovers from the original. Since he’s the creator of both of these homages to the 1980s, Sylvester Stallone once again plays our fearless leader. Joining him again are current action king Jason Statham, former straight-to-video action king Dolph Lundgren, martial arts legend Jet Li, Terry Crews and Randy Couture. Expanding their cameos from the first flick are The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mr. Die Hard himself, Bruce Willis. Also joining in on the fun are “the muscles from Brussels” Jean-Claude Van Damme and the man who doesn’t do push-ups but instead pushes the Earth down, Chuck Norris.

How the hell didn’t this movie not have a part for Steven Segal? Well, he possibly ate himself out of a role. And again, no Carl Weathers? Did Ivan Drago…ahem…Dolph Lundgren really kill him during that boxing match where James Brown performed “Living in America?” Woo. Good Gawd. Jump back. Kiss myself! Hey! May the Godfather of Soul rest in peace. Sorry. Got off track for a moment.

There is the basic construct of a story here. As you may recall from the original, Sly and the guys whose names I dropped in the first group are kinda, sorta like The A-Team. By the way, since another major draw is our familiarity with and nostalgia for the actual actors and their past work, we won’t be using any character names here. The youngest guy on the squad decides the life of a merc is not for him. . He’ll finish out the month then go home to settle down with his girl and raise a family. If you don’t know how that works out in action flicks, think of him this way: in another movie he’d be a cop with only a few weeks until retirement. In other words, he’ll need to be avenged. He meets his fate during a mission the boys get sent on by Bruce Willis. They don’t want to do it, but Sly owes Bruce a solid. Their job is to grab hold of a thingamajig from the wreckage of a downed plane and bring it back. Of course, that doesn’t go as planned since Van Damme and his evil cronies show up to get their grubby little paws on it. Yes, Van Damme is a villain. He’s a pretty good one, in fact. Anyhoo, that’s about as specific as I’m going to get. From there, our heroes trying to retrieve the thingamajig and avenge their fallen brethren ensues.

The Expendables 2 is a dumb, fun action flick sure to give your surround sound system a workout. It’s even better than its predecessor because there’s not nearly as much downtime so we can get to know the boys. They all pop in, shoot stuff and/or fight while either themselves or someone else makes a reference to one of their old movies, or their persona in general, as a joke. For instance, a large percentage of Arnie’s dialogue is made up of him telling whoever is within earshot “I’ll be back.” You should understand this to mean this flick takes itself even less seriously than its predecessor and is therefore closer to what I thought that movie would be. Without question, this is a “turn your brain off” experience starring a group of guys who made a pretty good living making stuff go boom. In other words, it's so bad it's awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

Bridesmaids

Directed by Paul Feig.

2011. Rated R, 125 minutes.
Cast:
Kristen Wiig
Maya Rudolph
Rose Byrne
Melissa McCarthy
Wendi McLendon-Covey
Elle Kemper
Chris O’Dowd
Jon Hamm
Jill Clayburgh
Terry Crews
Rebel Wilson

Annie’s (Wiig) life is in shambles. The bakery she owned recently fell victim to the recession. She loses her job, gets kicked out of her apartment and the man she really likes only uses her for sex. She does get to be a part of something good, though. Her best friend Lillian (Rudolph) is getting married and has asked Annie to be the maid of honor. Things are all hunky dory until she meets rich girl Helen (Byrne), who also happens to be vying for the title of Lillian’s best friend. Competition inspired hijinks and shenanigans ensue.

Bridesmaids is essentially a female version of a raunchy bromance. Think Wedding Crashers for women. Not surprisingly, it suffers from some of the same maladies that afflicted that movie. There are pockets that are outrageously funny and/or gross, but there are also sections that just drag along through the quagmire of rom-com clichés. Of course, Annie meets the sweet guy who is way better for her than the jerk she’s been pining for. Of course the comedy of errors she commits in trying to outdo Helen for Lillian’s friendship causes a big blowup. And of course you already know how this is going to play out.

Like I said, when the jokes come they work. Most of the credit for this should go to the “other” bridesmaids. Chief among them is Megan played by Melissa McCarthy, most recently of Mike and Molly sitcom fame. Her butch-but-hetero portrayal gets the most laughs. When given the room to breathe she, along with Rita (McLendon-Covey) and Becca (Kemper) tend to crack us up. However, they’re marginalized almost to the point of irrelevance. Instead, we get much more of Annie, Lillian and Helen interacting with one another. The problem is they’re all pretty straight-laced. To create hilarity these characters need the zany ones to react to and be affected by. This makes Bridesmaids and uneven watch. We trudge along to the beat of Annie’s pathetic drum until the rest of the gang pops in to make funnies for a few minutes then pops out again leaving us to be with Annie and her problems again.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a bad watch. It’s just not as funny as it should be. The pieces are all there for a truly great comedy. They just seem disadvantageously arranged like those of a chess player exposing her queen way too soon. Even after making this mistake, a skillful player can still do some damage and Bridesmaids does. Within this decent but largely forgettable film lies a couple unforgettable scenes. Most notable being the food poisoning. The whole movie definitely does not need to be that, essentially a vomit and poop fest, but it could certainly stand to ease up on the ‘woe is me’ vibe we get much of the time.

MY SCORE: 6/10

Lottery Ticket

Directed by Erik White.
2010. Rated PG-13, 99 minutes.
Cast:
Bow Wow
Brandon T. Jackson
Naturi Naughton
Loretta Devine
Ice Cube
Keith David
Terry Crews
Charlie Murphy
Mike Epps
Gbenga Akinnagbe

Kevin (Bow Wow) lives with his grandmother (Devine) in the projects. Through a stroke of luck, they win the Mondo Millions lottery grand prize of $370 million. That probably works out to somewhere between $170 million and $200 million after taxes, but that’s not the point. The point is, they’ve suddenly changed tax brackets. However, before they actually make the jump they have to claim the winnings. The problem with that is its Fourth of July weekend and the claims office is closed until Tuesday. The task then seems simple enough: keep quiet about the windfall at least until Tuesday so the vultures don’t start immediately start circling. As it turns out, keeping quiet lasts about 30 seconds. Of course, news spreads like wildfire and everyone wants a piece of Kevin. Everyone includes Lorenzo (Akinnagbe), the local thug and Sweet Tee (David), the local loanshark. Trying to survive until Tuesday and maintain possession of the winning ticket ensues.

It has its moments. Enough funny things happen between chase scenes to keep us at least mildly entertained. The zany cast of characters are all given their brief chance to shine and usually make the most of it. One of the zanies is the recluse Mr. Washington, played by Ice Cube made up to look like an old man. How ironic that he figures prominently in an ending so clearly inspired by and reminiscent of Friday? It becomes doubly so when you pay attention to Brandon T. Jackson as Kevin’s best friend Benny. He seems to be doing his best Chris Tucker impersonation.

LT is also wholly predictable. We know which girl he’ll end up with, when he’s going to have a falling out with his best friend, when the thug is going to pop up out of nowhere and finally, how it ends. Strangely, we also know that for some reason unbeknownst to any logical human being, he will carry the ticket with him everywhere he goes.

In the end, this is cute and light-hearted movie content to breeze through it’s runtime. It brings up a few things that could’ve lead to more poignant social commentary but never goes any further than just mentioning them. It makes no examinations, only smirks at us as if to say ‘we could do something meaningful here, but we don’t want to’. Like its star, the movie as a whole has an innocent charm that will make it likeable for many. However, its lack of substance or any originality whatsoever means it won’t be particularly memorable.

MY SCORE: 5/10

The Expendables

Directed by Sylvester Stallone.
2010. Rated R, 103 minutes.
Cast:
Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham
Jet Li
Giselle Itié
Dolph Lundgren
Mickey Rourke
Eric Roberts
Terry Crews
Randy Couture
Steve Austin
Bruce Willis

Plot: A group of mercenaries are hired to take out the dictator of a banana republic on a tiny South American island. Everything going boom ensues.

The Good: Whenever there was shooting and/or explosions. The action is what we came for and it is very well done in that over the top, goofy way many of Stallone’s movies are. Bodies get ripped apart. There’s lots of yelling and killing everyone in a building is never enough. Through some form of pyrotechnics, the building has to be destroyed, too. Although Sly is the writer, director and star, he’s wise enough to let Jason Statham do most of the heavy lifting. The star of the Crank and Transporter franchises has many of the best scenes, here. The other “best” moments go to Mickey Rourke. He’s just so good, he makes Stallone’s dialogue feel Shakespearean. There are also a few nice comedic moments. Surprisingly, they tend to involve Jet Li. Also squeezed in is a funny scene that really should’ve been cut for adding nothing to the movie, except for the fact that Stallone finally shares the screen for a brief moment with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Bad: Too much downtime. This is a movie that really should’ve been non-stop action. However, too much time is spent on the bromance between Stallone and Statham and a bunch of grown men whining about their problems. It really makes time between action scenes pass too slowly. Also, a couple of our expendables are even more expendable than the others. If we’re going to have all this talking going on, how is it two guys on the team (Crews and Couture) barely get any screen time?

The Ugly: I love Terry Crews but I kept wondering why Carl Weathers didn’t get that role.

Recommendation: It’s a Sly Stallone special: loud, excessive and goofy. Judge accordingly. I like it well enough, but I’m not blown away by it.

The Opposite View: Mike Scott, New Orleans Times-Picayune

What the Internet Says: 7.1/10 on imdb.com (9/14/10), 40% on rottentomatoes.com, 45/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 6/10

Gamer

Directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor.
2009. Rated R, 95 minutes.
Cast:
Gerard Butler
Logan Lerman
Michael C. Hall
Amber Valetta
Chris “Ludacris” Bridges
Terry Crews
Kyra Sedgwick

Kable (Butler) is a death row inmate but has achieved worldwide fame as a character in a real live first-person shooter. You see, in this version of the future, gaming has truly gone next level. Many people pay to control others, or get paid to be controlled, in video games using real people as characters in a game that looks like “The Sims”, only with actual human beings.

As far as that shooting game goes, only death row inmates are used for that and that is where Kable comes in. He has survived longer than anyone else. If he survives one more battle, he will earn his freedom from both the game and prison. However, it’s not entirely up to him. During gameplay, he is controlled by Simon (Lerman), who has become a superstar in his own right due to his gaming prowess.

The premise is intriguing as all get-out. It is especially so for those of us who remember the genesis of home video-gaming and wonder just how far it can go. We get a movie that’s entertaining in the way only non-stop remorseless and graphic violence can be. It’s also visually stimulating because it mixes that violence with collages of odd behavior and nude or scantily clad bodies stitched together by quick cuts. Unfortunately, the story never mines the potential depths of its subject, preferring instead to stick with the tried and true approach of having a megalomaniacal villain try to take over the world. The effect is we can have fun watching it, but may have trouble remembering anything about it once we hit the “open” button on our DVD player. Well, memories of the several dance moments may linger for a bit, but that’s not a good thing.

The Opposite View: Vadim Rizov, LA Weekly

What the Internet Says: 5.7/10 on imdb.com (9/11/10), 30% on rottentomatoes.com, 27/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 5.5/10