Kingdom of the Spiders

Dick Tracy

Puss in Boots

Directed by Chris Miller.

2011. Rated PG, 90 minutes.
Cast:
Antonio Banderas

Zach Galifianakis
Salma Hayek
Billy Bob Thornton
Amy Sedaris
Constance Marie
Guillermo del Toro
Tom McGrath
Tom Wheeler

Already wanted for robbing to Bank of San Ricardo, Puss in Boots (Banderas) decides to steal the legendary magic beans. Planting them will grow the giant beanstalk leading to the land of giants. Once there, he hopes to steal the goose that lays the golden eggs. Getting the beans isn’t going to be easy because they’re possessed by the murderous outlaw couple Jack (Thornton) and Jill (Sedaris). Soon, Puss in not alone in his quest. He runs into an old friend that once betrayed him. The friend also wants the magic beans and has a plan to get them. Begging forgiveness and a chance to make things right between them, he enlists Puss to help him. This friend is none other than Humpty Alexander Dumpty (Galifianakis).

Like the Shrek franchise its spun from, Puss in Boots takes many well-worn fairy tales and breathes new life into them by reimagining the characters closer to our reality, yet still maintaining much of the wonder of their capabilities and surroundings. For instance, Jack and Jill haven’t only evolved into murderous outlaws, they’re also a couple arguing about whether or not to have a baby. PiB isn’t the outright deconstruction of fairy tales that Shrek is, but definitely views them through a wonderfully skewed prism.

Other genres are dragged into the fray and enhance the movie a bit more. Starting with her name and carrying through her actions our hero’s love interest, Kitty Softpaws (Hayek) is downright Bond girl-esque. There’s also nods to westerns, dance movies and of course, Zorro whom Banderas not so coincidentally portrayed twice for the big screen.

Speaking of Banderas, he is once again perfect as the sword fighting, milk drinking, lady loving cat. The same suaveness he brings to his live-action roles is translated in his voice-work. The rest of the characters were also well-voiced without overdoing it. Even Galifianakis, who has the showiest role, manages to keep it just restrained enough to not come off as over-exuberant.

More than anything, what helps PiB is that it has a freshness the last couple Shrek don’t. It’s not burdened by carrying on the whole of Shrek’s life and his ever-expanding family, nor carrying the weight of a franchise. It does enough of its own thing to prove more than worthy of becoming a separate entity.

MY SCORE: 7/10

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

Directed by Eric Radomski and Bruce W. Timm.

1993. Rated PG, 76 minutes.
Cast:
Kevin Conroy
Dana Delaney
Mark Hamill
Efram Zimbalist Jr.
Abe Vigoda
Stacy Keach
Bob Hastings
Dick Miller
Hart Bochner
Robert Costanzo

By now, anyone at all familiar with Batman (Conroy) knows that Bruce Wayne is a troubled billionaire loner who’s parents were shot and killed right in front of him during a robbery attempt when he was very young boy. As the legend goes, he would eventually start dressing up like a bat and take to the streets at night, fighting crime throughout Gotham City. Mask of the Phantasm finds our hero reminiscing about those early days of vigilantism now that his old flame Andrea Beaumont (Delaney) is back in town. Of course, that’s not the only thing on the Caped Crusader’s plate. Another shadowy figure has been murdering Gotham’s mobsters and everyone except Commissioner Gordon (Hastings) and Bruce’s trusty butler Alfred (Zimbalist) seems to think the Dark Knight is responsible. Despite the commish’s objections, the police go on a manhunt for Batman. Not content to let the law handle things, the gangsters hire none other than the Joker to kill his arch nemesis.

As is often the case, Bruce’s love life is the topic of the day. This time around, he pines for the one that got away and what might’ve been. He and Andrea are kindred spirits, of sorts. They both spend an inordinate amount of time at the local cemetery. At least she’s cheery about it, carrying on gleeful conversations with her deceased mother. Bruce, of course, generally carries on as if suicide is his next move. Believe it, or not, of all of his whirlwind romances this might be the most fully realized entry into the canon, live-action movies included. Though it eventually follows a familiar path, it holds up pretty well.

Yes, there is plenty of crime fighting. Batman has a few near misses with Gotham’s mysterious new player and, as mentioned, he himself comes under suspicion. A number of Batfans consider this the finest movie in the franchise. After all, it does pack a lot into barely more than an hour. I won’t go that far, but I’ll certainly put it in the upper echelon.

MY SCORE: 8/10

Mr. Popper's Penguins

Directed by Mark Waters.

2011. Rated PG, 94 minutes.
Cast:
Jim Carrey
Carla Gugino
Angela Lansbury
Clark Gregg
Ophelia Lovibond
Madeline Carroll
Maxwell Perry Cotton
Jeffrey Tambor
David Krumholtz
Philip Baker Hall
William Charles Mitchell
Dominic Chianese

Mr. Popper (Carrey) grew up mostly without his father. His dad was a globetrotting scientist who spent far more time abroad than with his little boy. Unsurprisingly, Popper isn’t too broken up when he learns his old man has died while off in Antarctica. However, Poppa Popper did leave his son something: a pack of penguins. There are six of them, to be exact. Junior fitting them into his life is a bit tricky. He has an ex-wife (Gugino) he still has a thing for, and two kids he gets every other weekend. He is also a high-octane, very successful real estate buyer. It’s a job that demands lots of time. So do the penguins. Popper trying to juggle the birds, his job, and his family ensues. Oh, he also tries to win back his ex and buy legendary restaurant Tavern on the Green from Ms. Van Gundy (Lansbury), its very grumpy owner.

If you guessed this is all pretty innocuous stuff, you guessed right. The nearly endless stream of poop jokes is as risqué as it gets. Other than that, we get the normal stuff about a dad not quite understanding his kids and Popper bonding with both, the children and the penguins. Yes, there are lessons to be learned. In addition, Carrey gives us a bit of the physical humor he’s known for. Splice in some cgi of the penguins performing some amazing feats and we get one big ball of cuteness.

Of course, there has to be a villain. In this case, one is manufactured out of the guy who wants to take the penguins to the zoo (Gregg). The three old guys Popper works for aren’t quite evil, but are certainly on the negative side of the ledger. In none of their cases do we really hate them, therefore the movie doesn’t generate sufficient tension. It moseys along sweetly, but doesn’t thrill us no matter what stunts the birds pull off. Cruella De Ville would’ve been a welcome addition to the cast of characters, a marked improvement over the ultra-bland zoo guy.

As family friendly time passers go, you could do worse than Mr. Popper’s Penguins. It gives us enough laughs not to be a drag. It also moves quickly enough, careful not to overstay its welcome. It clocks in a little over 90 minutes. On the other hand, it doesn’t do anything unexpected. MPP is content to fit snugly within the mold of the many kiddie comedies we’ve seen before. It gives us no more or less than we expect.

Monte Carlo

Directed by Thomas Bezucha.

2011. Rated PG, 108 minutes.
Cast:
Selena Gomez
Leighton Meester
Katie Cassidy
Juliette Dumouchel
Pierre Boulanger
Cory Monteith
Andie MacDowell
Luke Bracey
Catherine Tate

Recently, a waitress bearing a strong resemblance to Oprah Winfrey became a trending topic on the internet. Why? It’s simple. We’re intrigued by the ideat that somewhere out there is a person who looks exactly like us. What would happen if we ever met that person, or were to be so mistaken for them that others actually thrust us into that person’s station in life. These fascinations have been the impetus for countless movies across a number of genres. 2011 gave us two such movies: the kinda, sorta historical The Devil’s Double for action fans and Monte Carlo, a romantic comedy for the Disney crowd.

Speaking of Disney, our protagonist comes straight from the company’s assembly line of young starlets. Her name is Grace and she is played by Selena Gomez, star of the network’s The Wizards of Waverly Place. She just graduated from high school and on her way to Paris, where she’s dreamed of going ever since she can remember. Her best friend Emma (Cassidy) will gladfully accompany her. Not thinking either of them to be too responsible, Grace’s mom and stepdad have forced stepsister Meg (Meester) to go with them, even though the two don’t get along. Once there, the trio manages to get separated from the world’s worst tour guide. Suddenly, it’s discovered that Grace looks exactly like Cordelia Winthrop Scott a spoiled, ungrateful heiress also played by Gomez (duh). One thing leads to another and the girls soon find themselves living it up in Monte Carlo.

Oh, there’s boys. Each girl meets a handsome, charming guy. One of our young ladies already has a beau back home in Texas that she sorta broke up with. Make no mistake, he will suddenly pop up in Paris, and eventually in Monte Carlo, to reclaim his gal. It’s exactly that kind of movie. By that, I mean it wants nothing more that to be cute and grandly romantic despite not always making sense. It shamelessly panders to its target audience which will like it well enough. However, with that in mind there is nothing here to suggest it had to be released to multiplexes around the globe. This would’ve been right at home and likely more widely seen as a Sunday night TV movie on Disney Channel. Disney didn’t actually make this movie but they definitely could’ve. After all, not only is it just another totally bland rom-com, it never once comes close to threatening the boundaries of its PG rating.

MY SCORE: 4.5/10

The Smurfs

Directed by Raja Gosnell.

2011. Rated PG, 103 minutes.
Cast:
Hank Azaria
Neil Patrick Harris
Jonathan Winters
George Lopez
Katy Perry
Jayma Mays
Sofia Vergara
Fred Armisen
Anton Yelchin
Kenan Thompson
Jeff Foxworthy
Tim Gunn

There was a time when “The Smurfs” were a part of my Saturday morning routine. This not only included the show, but also Smurfberry Crunch cereal whenever I could get it. Watching Papa Smurf, Smurfette and the other 99 smurfs foil the evil Gargamel week after week was wholesome cheesy 80s fun. If, back then, a movie based on that show and including real-live people were to come out I would’ve been smurfed to see it. I would’ve saved up the twenty bucks to get me and my siblings each a ticket. Wow, $20 for four of us. Remember those days? Anyhoo, we would’ve been first in the smurfing line the day it opened. Now, better than a quarter century later and having seen numerous craptacular movies based on old TV shows, I’m not so smurfed. Regardless, here I am losing to curiosity and fatherhood once again. Of course my daughter wanted to see this. What? I can’t take all the smurfing blame.

As usual, Papa Smurf (Winters) and his clan of little blue people take on the smurf obsessed Gargamel (Azaria). What’s different is the setting. On the show, nearly every episode took place entirely in the area just big enough to include both Smurf Village and Gargamel’s castle. The movie starts us there but very quickly a half-dozen smurfs, Gargamel and his equally evil cat Azriel wind up in New York City through a bit of hocus pocus. Our heroes spend the rest of the movie trying to find whatever magic is necessary to get back home and avoid Gargamel.

While in the Big Apple, Papa and crew wind up crashing at the apartment of a young married couple, Patrick (Harris) and his pregnant wife Grace (Mays). He’s a career driven ad exec smurfing for his relentless boss Odile (Vergara). She seems to mostly stay at home, talking to the baby in her belly. They have two purposes for being in the movie. First, they provide the smurfs with a place to stay and play “Guitar Hero.” More importantly, they will learn an important lesson when our adventure is over.

The Smurfs is one of those movies that doesn’t do anything smurfily bad nor anything esmurfily good, either. It just drones on pretty blandly. Clumsy Smurf does something clumsy and puts the others in danger. They try to rescue him, narrowly escaping Gargamel who then has an aside with the cat and concocts his next plan. Rinse, repeat. In that respect it’s not much different than the old cartoon. That’s probably as good as we can hope for.

If there is one thing that rises above the level of mediocre, it’s the performance of Hank Azaria as Gargamel. He is absolutely smurfect. Not only does he present us with exactly what we thought a live-action version of the villain would be but he’s clearly having a blast at the same time. On the flipside, I was disappointed with George Lopez’s Grouchy Smurf. It’s not necessarily his fault, but the character feels the least true to what they were on the show. That Grouchy didn’t say much and started almost all of his very short sentences with “I hate…” This version talks constantly and is somewhat a grouch, but in a way much more reminiscent of the actor’s character from his own sitcom.

I have to admit, The Smurfs is far better than I thought it would be. Thankfully, it doesn’t induce a pain similar to being repeatedly kicked in the groin like Yogi Bear. It’s still not really a “good” movie. It’s merely a pleasant, if unremarkable time-passer that manages to maintain nostalgia and cuteness. This will likely not be the case going forward. For proof, see the Alvin and the Chipmunks and Transformers franchises. Therefore I hope, probably in vain, that the powers that be don’t shove a smurfing sequel down our smurfing throats. This one is watchable, but I get the feeling I’m all smurfed out.

Zookeeper

Directed by Frank Coraci.

2011. Rated PG, 102 minutes.
Cast:
Kevin James
Rosario Dawson
Leslie Bibb
Ken Jeong
Donnie Wahlberg
Joe Rogan
Sylvester Stallone
Nick Nolte
Adam Sandler
Cher
Judd Apatow
Jon Favreau
Maya Rudolph
Faizon Love

Five years after being dumped by Stephanie (Bibb), the girl he planned on marrying, Griffin (James) still pines for her. When she pops up at his brother’s engagement party, he completely freaks out and desperately tries thinking up ways to get her back. Just so you understand what’s going on here, let’s explain a bit more. Stephanie left Griffin largely due t o the fact that he is indeed just a zookeeper, hence the title. She’s quite high maintenance and is looking for someone to finance the life she wants to lead. He also has an attractive co-worker named Kate (Dawson) whom he’s never thought of in “that way.” Kate’s obviously a more genuine person than Stephanie. So far we’re in pretty familiar rom-com territory and you can probably already figure out how this will end. Trust me, there are no surprises at all.

If you’ve seen any other romantic comedies then you know that our would be Romeo has friends that give him bad advice on how to win Stephanie’s heart. If you’ve seen the trailer then you’ve already guessed the only thing that makes this different from most movies of its kind. The friends are actually the animals at the zoo. Yes, they talk.

All comedies with talking animals can’t be terrible, can they? Let’s give this one a chance. After all, it can’t be that bad if George Clooney decided to lend his voice to it. Oh wait, that’s not Clooney. That’s Sly Stallone as Joe the Lion. That monkey is obviously Adam Sandler. Well, no need in watching the rest of this. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy for me. My youngest daughter has wanted to see this for months. I contemplate jumping up and kicking hole in the screen, then explaining that I saw a bug. That’s too costly. Hey, I think I just heard Cher…and Faizon Love…and Nick Nolte? Yup, that’s Nolte. My daughter chuckles. I’m screwed.

Resigned to my fate, I wade through the muck. Like I said, everything that happens plot-wise is telegraphed from the last thirty rom-coms you watched. There is the occasional laugh. The scene involving Griffin, Bernie the gorilla (Nolte) and a trip to T. G. I. Friday’s is the most amusing scene. Even that’s only worth a few snickers. At least Rosario Dawson is always nice to look at. Still, ogling her whenever she’s on the screen isn’t nearly enough to save this dreck. Skip it if you can. If not, you have my condolences.

MY SCORE: 2.5/10

Mars Needs Moms

Directed by Simon Wells.

2011. Rated PG, 88 minutes.
Cast:
Seth Green
Dan Fogler
Joan Cusack
Elisabeth Harnois
Mindy Sterling
Kevin Cahoon
Tom Everett Scott
Jacquie Barnbrook

Aparently, Martians know nothing about raising their young. From time to time they come to Earth to get the knowledge they need. No, no, no they don’t enroll in a parenting class or anything like that. They abduct a human mom, fly her back to Mars, extract whatever they deem necessary to mothering directly from her brain and then discard her. Yeesh. That information is downloaded to the Nannybots who do the mothering. This time they’ve snatched Milo’s (Green) mom. He manages to get on board their ship as it is leaving and soon finds himself on the red planet. Once there, he has to figure out how to save his mother.

As it turns out, Mars is a desolate, militaristic place. Like any such place in the movies, there are underground factions of rebels. Most of the ones we see are content to go about splashing color across their largely monochromatic world. One who is not a rebel, but certainly a loner becomes Milo’s most important ally. His name is Gribble (Fogler) and he is human. He’s also an adult but hasn’t had any human interaction since he was but a young boy himself. He still has a child’s rambunctiousness. With these things in place, Milo sets out on his adventure.

Our hero’s adventure is a fun one that manages to slip in a few messages along the way. Chief among them is just how important moms actually are. Like the others, this is done in a way that doesn’t feel like we’re being bludgeoned by them. To this end, things are kept fairly light-hearted until near the end when we really do get a palpable sense of danger. The daring rescue attempt manages to grab us by our throats and pull us to the edge of our seats. It takes the darkness that was harmlessly lingering just beneath the surface and brings it to the forefront. In the grand scheme of things, it’s only a few minutes of screen time. However, it’s a few minutes that drives home the message and ultimately makes the payoff more satisfying.

Soul Surfer

Directed by Sean McNamara.
2011. Rated PG, 106 minutes.
Cast:
AnnaSophia Robb
Dennis Quaid
Helen Hunt
Kevin Sarbo
Lorraine Nicholson
Carrie Underwood
Ross Thomas
Craig T. Nelson
Chris Brocha
Sonya Balmores

Teenager Bethany Hamilton (Robb) is already a championship surfer with a bright future. While taking a break during a training session, she is attacked by a shark and loses her left arm. A few awkward days after leaving the hospital Bethany decides not only does she want to surf again but she wants to do so competitively. She faces plenty of hurdles and of course does lots of soul searching on her journey back into the surfing world. Yes, this is based on a true story in case you somehow missed it when it was a major news story a few years back.

Make no mistake, this is a story of salvation through and through. What sets this apart from any others is the person being redeemed is already a thoroughly good person. What she must overcome are the seeds of doubt that have been sewn by a most unfortunate event. Through her tears, and possibly yours, she wonders aloud how any of this could be part of God’s plan. She has a few temper tantrums and revelations. All the while, we closely follow the template of so many sports movies. The only question is whether or not our heroine will win the big game.

As Bethany, Anna Sophia Robb does a very nice job. This becomes especially clear when you realize that she does indeed have two arms but had to only use one for the majority of the movie. The rest of our cast is adequate. Helen Hunt, Dennis Quaid, Kevin Sorbo and Craig T. Nelson all wear concerned or upset visages whenever appropriate. Even Carrie Underwood is only asked to do just enough to not embarrass herself and she obliges. The one person we could use more of is Malina (Balmores), our makeshift villain. Beating Bethany seems to be her life’s mission. Nothing changes after Bethany has lost a limb. We get a few brief scenes of her with a sour look on her face as she barks at her nemesis. Since this is a wholesome Christian film, you won’t be surprised how this particular subplot ends. Still, it would’ve been nice to get to know her a little more and develop her more as a person with an axe to grind than just a caricature that we’ve seen a thousand times before.

If there is a serious flaw in Soul Surfer it’s that things come too easy. Each obstacle Bethany faces merely seems like a low hurdle we know she’ll clear with ease. Part of this stems from her. Her faith is briefly in doubt, her nobility is not. Don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful that she’s apparently a terrific person. However, this makes the story we’re told less than compelling. It doesn’t help that the movie quickly sidesteps any weighty issues that pop up such as what happens with the boy that obviously likes her. How does she deal with this? Do the two of them ever talk about what happened to her? How do his friends treat him when they figure out who he’s attracted to? I could go on.

Nevertheless, SS does what it set out to. It’s a full-blown inspirational “triumph of the human spirit” type of flick. The real tale is so ready-made for exactly the treatment it receives here the filmmakers couldn’t mess it up. Some of you will cry. Some of you will cry a lot. The rest of us might find it cliché and predictable. The movie is okay with any of those.

MY SCORE: 6/10

Rango

Directed by Gore Verbinski.
2011. Rated PG, 107 minutes.
Cast:
Johnny Depp
Isla Fisher
Ned Beatty
Abigail Breslin
Alfred Molina
Bill Nighy
Harry Dean Stanton
Timothy Olyphant
Ray Winstone
Stephen Root
James Ward Byrkit
Gil Birmingham

After some slick talking and fortunate accidents, Rango (Depp) finds himself as the sherrif of the water starved t own of Dirt. The town is in such a drout all of their water is kept in the bank’s vault. On Wednesday’s all of the townspeople gather by the giant spicket so the mayor can dole out their weekly allowance. Western style hijinks and shenanigans ensue.

One of the first things we notice in Rango is the vivid colors as our hero is alone in his tank with a few props in the back of a car. Likewise, when he falls out of the car onto the road and into the oppressive sunlight. Most notable is all this is the main characters bright green hue. It serves as a constant reminder of his status as an outsider when most of the colors are stripped away. What we’re left with is a pallet mostly made up of various shades of brown, gray and black. Other colors that manage to get included are muted. It recreates the rustic atmosphere of a place long passed over by time. Through amazing character designs even the citizens of Dirt have the weathered look befitting people who live in a town with such a name. This is no small feat considering these “people” are all animals. This attention to detail perfectly sets the mood and tone.

Of course, this is no straight forward adventure of a stranger riding in to save a desolate town. This is a parody of such movies. Depending on you, this is either a strength or a weakness. For adults that have watched their fair share of westerns this will be a great strength. You will be able to laugh at the parts that specifically poke fun at the genre as well as the more accessible humor, of which there is plenty. For those that haven’t watched many westerns this will likely be a weakness. There may be stretches where it seems nothing much is going on. My children have no use for westerns and my daughters have never watched more than a few minutes of one before giving up. My wife and son may have made it through one or two apiece. Indeed, I laughed more often than any of them.

If there is any other weakness, to me it is Johnny Depp in the lead role. Generally, I’m a Depp apologist. However, he sounds forced in this case. Instead of just using his natural voice, which would’ve worked just fine, he sounds as if he’s trying to imitate what he thinks Rango should sound like. The character himself is reminiscent of Woody Allen, so I also kept wondering why he wasn’t playing the part. It’s not that Depp is bad, he’s just clearly better at live-action than voiceover work.

Fortunately, weaknesses are few in Rango. It’s a wonderful sendup of westerns without alienating the audience at which its aiming. It moves smoothly from comedy to action and uses striking visuals effectively in both veins. There are a few words harsher than one would expect in a PG rated animated flick, so parents be prepared for that. Still, its very well done and lots of fun.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

The Elephant Man

Directed by David Lynch.
1980. Rated PG, 124 minutes.
Cast:
John Hurt
Anthony Hopkins
Anne Bancroft
John Gielgud
Wendy Hiller
Freddie Jones
Michael Elphick
Hannah Gordon
Dexter Fletcher

John Merrick (Hurt) has been massively deformed all his life. He has been dubbed “The Elephant Man” and is forced to put himself on display as a freak at a carnival sideshow. He is such the draw, the carnival’s owner Mr. Bytes (Jones) calls him “my treasure”. Dr. Treves (Hopkins) is a well respected surgeon who wishes to study “the creature”. After John suffers a beating at the hands of Bytes the doctor takes him in, giving him a room in an isolated part of the hospital where the doc works. As word spreads about the institution’s newest resident, curiosity rises. Once again, people are flocking to see “The Elephant Man. Is Dr. Treves really any better than a sideshow proprietor? The good doctor eventually questions his own motives. The agendas of most others is painfully obvious. They either fear John’s grotesqueness or seek to profit from it by exploiting him. Those who do neither brazenly point and stare. Thus, the movie becomes an exploration of bigotry and the courage some will show in the face of it. We think the lines between good and evil are clearly drawn. However, we’re made to wonder if even the good guys are causing harm. Based on a true story.

Director David Lynch never lets us off the hook by skimming portions of the story. He paces his movie very deliberately, painstakingly so, at some points. This lets us know John intimately. We learn that despite his deformities and the way he’s been treated there is no bitterness in him. There is only his need to be accepted as a man. This makes him a completely sympathetic character.

There are no subplots to speak of. The movie focuses solely on the plight of Mr. Merrick. This tunnel-vision approach gives the film something I find lacking in other work by Lynch: coherence. It is not some cryptic mass of celluloid you have to wade through seventeen times before deciding you finally get it. It’s easily accessible without being easily formulated. Within its rather normal frame many of the director’s nuances and idiosyncracies are contained. However, he never lets them overwhelm the movie. Instead, they flesh it out.

The duty of fleshing out John only falls partly on the man who plays him, John Hurt. To his credit, Hurt plays the role with a perfect naivete and timidness. He wears the latter as a shield. It often fails him, but nonetheless comforts him by its presence. Like Frankenstein’s monster would eventually come to be played for laughs, it would’ve been easy to have Merrick be a bumbling fool, gaining our affections through laughter. Hurt plays him as a man keenly aware that his life is no laughing matter. The rest of the responsibility for making John whole belongs to Dr. Treves. Through an excellent performance by Anthony Hopkins, he draws the man out of the freak.

When its all said and done, we’ve gone on a tumultuous journey with a man that took no easy steps. We root for him not just because we want him to do well, but because we need him to. If he does, it reaffirms our belief that enough of us human beings are decent people. If he doesn’t he will not have failed, we will. In either case, it begs us to reevaluate how we treat those who are different from ourselves.

You Again

Directed by Alan Fickman.
2010. Rated PG, 105 minutes.
Cast:
Kristen Bell
Odette Yustman
Jamie Lee Curtis
Sigourney Weaver
Betty White
James Wolk
Kyle Bornheimer
Billy Unger
Kristin Chenoweth
Victor Garber

Hey, have you seen that romantic comedy that ends in a wedding? Of course you have. Yes, this is yet another one. If you still want to see You Again, read on. If you don’t, read on anyway just to be sure. I mean, it’s got Betty White in the cast. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Okay, so we know how it ends. Like most rom-coms it’s not the ending, but how we get there that determines whether its good or not. The easiest route usually starts with boy meets girl. Kudos to this film for not including that little cliché. In fact, YAis not really about the couple that gets married. It’s actually about the contentious relationship between the soon-to-be bride Joanna (Yustman) and her beau’s sister Marni (Bell). Well, it’s mostly about Marni. She was once the classic Hollywood high school nerd. She wore big glasses, had bad hair and got great grades. As an adult, she’s transformed into a beautiful swan with a very successful career. In high school Joanna, then known as J.J. was her nemesis. J.J. was the head cheerleader which by movie logic means she was without question the most beautiful, popular and meanest person in school. Her most famous moment appears to be having Marni carried out of the building and locked out while the entire student body sings Queen’s “We Are the Champions” in perfect harmony.

Now, years later Joanna is marrying Marni’s brother Will (Wolk). He has no idea about her mean girl past despite going to the same school during her reign of terror. She wants to keep it that way. Marni wants Joanna to tell the truth about everything and make an apology. Over the weekend leading up to the bid day, the zany antics of thes two wild and crazy gals ensue. Oh, almost forgot something. Marni’s mom Gail (Curtis) and Joanna’s aunt Ramona (Weaver) have a similar relationship that’s still volatile despite the two having not seen each other in decades.

Yes, what all of these ladies do can accurately be described as zany. Is it funny? Meh. There are a few moments that are good for a laugh. All of our ladies, including Marni’s grandmother (White), play off each other well enough to generate the occasional chuckle. Then there’s the slapstick and pratfalls aspect so some of you won’t be able to stop giggling. That said, a lot of it is unfunny stuff recycled from other unfunny movies. Even worse, the way the handle the whole bully vs geek thing makes it feel like something that should be airing as a half-hour sitcom on ABC Family. I can totally see Marni as the main character in a series developed over time. In a feature, there isn’t enough of her for us to really latch onto. That’s magnified by her willfully sinking to unbecoming depths to do something she could’ve accomplished by confronting Joanna on the first day after finding out about the wedding. We sympathize with what happened to her in high school, but we don’t like her.

All of the bickering, strutting, scowling, rapping and competitive dancing takes us through the prerequisite ups and downs we’ve come to expect from such movies. It has a formula and sticks to it pretty faithfully. So now you know, and knowing is half…um…nevermind. If you like rom-coms see it. If you don’t, don’t.

MY SCORE: 4/10

Gulliver's Travels

Directed by Rob Letterman.
2010. Rated PG, 85 minutes.
Cast:
Jack Black
Jason Segel
Emily Blunt
Amanda Peet
Billy Connolly
Chris O’Dowd
T.J. Miller
Stewart Scudamore
David Sterne

Occasionally, even actors who’s personas proceed them like to stretch their wings. They like to step away from what they’re known for, if for no other reason, to prove they can do something different. This is not that movie. The latest version of the classic tale Gulliver’s Travels is pure Jack Black through and through. Either he cracks you up, or he doesn’t. There isn’t much else to tip the scales in the movie’s favor. That’s because the story constructed around his hijinks and shenanigans is merely bland when it is at its very best. Most of the time it just takes all that’s good from its source material and pummels it into submission.

Our new Gulliver (Black) is a mail-room clerk at a New York City newspaper. Despite his near constant big talk he seems destined to remain at the same station in life until dying alone. In a desperate attempt to prove he’s more than hot air he decides to ask out writer Darcy (Peet) whom he’s had a crush on for five years. He botches this so bad he accidentally winds up with a promotion and gets assigned to write an article on the Bermuda Triangle. Yup, that’s what I said. Once in the legendary Triangle he’s sucked in by a heinous looking storm, knocked unconscious and deposited on the shores of a place called Liliput. When he wakes up he finds out he’s literally a giant, taller than their tallest buildings and he is being held captive. The Liliputians are also constantly battling their neighbors, the Blefuscians. That’s about all this movie has in common with the original story. From there, we get the normal Jack Black routine: anatomy and bodily fluid jokes, pratfalls, other sight gags and more empty big talk. Some of it is funny, most is not. Imagine another Black vehicle, Kung Fu Panda without the charm, animation or kung fu.

Since all of this plays out pretty much as expected, there is no reason for people who aren’t Jack Black fans to bother. It is precisely what he’s come to be known for. If you’re a fan of the original story, or even of earlier screen versions of Gulliver’s Travels I suggest you avoid this movie at all cost or you will be severely disappointed. On the other hand, if you’re looking for something fairly innocuous, have at it.

MY SCORE: 3/10

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules

Directed by David Bowers.
2011. Rated PG, 99 minutes.
Cast:
Zachary Gordon
Devon Bostick
Rachael Harris
Robert Capron
Steve Zahn
Connor Fielding
Owen Fielding
Peyton List
Karan Brar
Laine MacNeil

Greg (Gordon) is back for a second middle-school adventure. Most of the angst he experienced in sixth grade is gone. His biggest social hurdle nowadays is trying to figure out how to approach the school’s very pretty new girl. His real problems are at home where big brother Rodrick (Bostick) tortures him on a daily basis. Meanwhile, Mom (Harris) is completely bent on making her boys get along so that her real life is as perfect as she portrays it in her newspaper column. Sibling rivalry hijinks and shenanigans ensue.

Often, sequels attempt to do everything bigger than their predecessors. The larger scale tends to translate into a loss of focus on the things we liked about the previous movie. A curious thing happens in Rodrick Rules. It actually has a smaller scope than the original. A number of characters are either eliminated or relegated to lesser roles. Greg’s interaction with the sizable school community is replaced with what goes on at home between at home between the brothers and/or mom. Even Dad (Zahn) is just kinda there for long stretches. Despite all this it still feels less focused than the first film. It’s certainly less ambitious, feeling more like a long episode of a Disney Channel sitcom than a movie. This means the target audience will probably still like it. Us parents, not so much this time around.

RR does have its moments. There are pockets of goodness scattered here and there as reminders of what once was. Not surprisingly, most of these moments happen in school. The movie shines when depicting the often Darwinist society of pre-teens. It falls flat when away from this setting because Greg’s family is made up of the same caricatures we’ve seen rehashed for decades. Their worst offense is they’re not funny, making this a bit of a chore to sit through for adults. Kids will likely enjoy it while it’s on, but forget about it five minutes after its over.

MY SCORE: 4.5/10

Yogi Bear

Directed by Eric Brevig.
2010. Rated PG, 80 minutes.
Cast:
Dan Aykroyd
Justin Timberlake
Anna Faris
Tom Cavanagh
T. J. Miller
Andrew Daly
Nathan Corddry

Just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean you should. If I so choose, I can walk up to any or all of my three children and beat them mercilessly. I think we can all agree that I shouldn’t. Sure, the technology exists to make a live-action movie about a computer generated talking bear and his sidekick based on a late 1950s/early 1960s cartoon. That doesn’t mean it should be done. It should be done if you have an interesting and/or funny story to tell or at least an updated take on the characters. It should not be done if you’re just going to recycle the same garbage from thousands of other crappy movies in an apparent cash-grab. Guess which approach is taken by the full-length feature film Yogi Bear?

If you must know, the plot really is the same as countless other movies. It’s so derivative, to call it paint-by-numbers would be insulting to people who paint by numbers and consider themselves real artists. Step 1: Introduce lovable, but dopey and mischievous protagonist. Of course, that’s Yogi (Akroyd). Step 2: Put said character in an environment he or she loves so much they couldn’t imagine life without it. Often, this is a house or a rec center or something that can reasonably be considered a landmark. In this case, it’s Jellystone Park. Step 3: Put said landmark in such financially dire straits it’s in danger of being foreclosed upon and/or destroyed at a fast approaching deadline. Here, it’s a week. Step 4: Have the effort to take away the landmark spearheaded by a greedy bank executive or a greedy politician. We get Mayor Brown (Daly). Step 5: Have the protagonist band together with his or her friends to either enter a contest and win or otherwise raise enough money just in time to save the landmark. Yogi and his cohorts opt for the latter. Don’t even try to tell me you haven’t seen this movie already. Just in the last six months or so I’ve seen it at least three times. It was billed as Step Up 3D, Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 and Stomp the Yard: Homecoming. It sucked each time. I can assure you this keeps the streak alive.

You know what? All might be forgiven if this were funny. Sadly, it’s so far from funny, well, it’s not even…funny. The extent of the humor here is Yogi steps on, touches or leans against something and gets hit in the face, knocked down, flung through the air, etc. Verbal jokes are boiled down to him saying “pic-a-nic” instead of “picnic” over and over and over…and over again. Occasionally someone farts, references farting, or makes a farting noise. To be blunt, this movie thinks kids are dumb. Sure, some will laugh at first. However, after about ten minutes they will realize the well is dry. I’ll give the slow ones fifteen before the chuckles stop.

Believe it, or not, this could’ve still been salvaged. Had there been some real nostalgic value or the kids in the target audience already had a connection with the characters that might’ve been enough to save the day. The problem there? We’re talking about a 50 year old cartoon that’s been largely forgotten! Most of the kids this flick is aimed at never heard of Yogi Bear until they started seeing commercials for this…this…this odious pile of digital excrement! Most of their parents are too young to be Yogi fans! Because of this trash and Marmaduke and the Garfield movies and the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies I am dreading the day when morbid curiosity gets the best of me and I just have to see for myself exactly how bad the movie for one of my favorite 80s cartoons, The Smurfs turns out. Trust me, it’s going to be bad. You heard it here, first. And just in case we’re not clear on this, the fact that this Yogi Bear movie exists makes the world suck just a little bit more.

MY SCORE: 0/10

Bedtime Stories

Directed by Adam Shankman.
2008. Rated PG, 99 minutes.
Cast:
Adam Sandler
Keri Russell
Guy Pearce
Courtney Cox

Plot: Hotel maintenance man Skeeter (Sandler) babysits his sister's kids for a few days while she's out of town. With their help, he comes up with elaborate bedtime stories which amazingly become reality.

The Good: It's so gosh-darn cute. The kids are cute. The stories are cute. The way they translate into reality is cute. Therefore, our viewing is sprinkled with chuckles and giggles. All of this helps to keep things moving along nicely as the movie bounds from one tale to the next.

The Bad: It's so gosh-darn cute. Since it is, it's not afraid to pile on the cheese. So, in between the giggles and chuckles you might be rolling your eyes a lot. It doesn't help that the plot is a paint-by-numbers job.

The Ugly: The Booger Monster.

Recommendation: This is solid family fare. The stories are inventive, so they hold your attention as the movie bounces merrily along. There's really not much here to offend even the hardcore prudes, but it is predictable. You're willing to forgive all that because, well, it's just so gosh-darn cute.

MY SCORE: 6.5/10

The Sandlot

Directed by David M. Evans.
1993. Rated PG, 101 minutes.
Cast:
Tom Guiry
Mike Vitar
Patrick Renna
Chauncey Leopardi
Marty York
Brandon Quintin Adams
Grant Gelt
Shane Obedzinski
Victor DiMattia
Denis Leary
Karen Allen
James Earl Jones
Marley Shelton

Scotty (Guiry) has just moved into the neighborhood. He’s a home-body and a geek, for lack of a better word. At his mom’s encouragement, he ventures out into his new stomping grounds. Shortly, he falls in with a local group of boys who spend every day of their summer vacation playing baseball at the sandlot. They are not so receptive to Scotty, at first. Not only does he not know how to play the game, he can’t even throw a ball ten feet. His lack of athleticism also hinders his bonding with Bill (Leary), his stepdad.

Soon enough, Scotty learns to play ball and becomes one of the guys. However, there are other issues to deal with. Bill still hasn’t really warmed up to him, there’s another group of boys who challenge Scotty and friends to a game and he still has to figure out who Babe Ruth is. More important than any of these things, our heroes will have to deal with The Beast, at some point. According to local legend, The Beast is a man-eating, baseball-devouring canine living in the yard just beyond the sandlot. Any homeruns the boys hit land on the dog’s turf, lost forever. They don’t even bother trying to retrieve the balls. They know that all the boys who have dared to venture into that yard have never been seen again.

What unfolds is a fun and funny coming of age story. We come to understand the friendship between the boys and its hierarchy. Within that, they have some hilarious interactions. Unknowingly, they make choices that will define the rest of their lives. We get to experience their best summer ever, along with them. It helps that it’s written in a manner we can relate to whether we’re sports fans, or not. Admittedly, those of us who are, or have been boys who spend most of their free time playing and/or talking sports with our buddies are the target audience. Still, those who don’t fit that profile won’t feel left out.

For all it’s charm and nostalgia, there are flaws. Scotty’s inability to play baseball suddenly disappears after one highlighted play. Stepdad Bill doesn’t seem to like anyone, let alone Scotty. Most problematic is that it often feels like a remake of Stand by Me. It just adds a few more boys and baseball while replacing the quest to see a dead body with a giant dog. Regardless, it is still a fun watch. However, if you’ve seen Stand by Me, you get a “been there, done that” feel.

Mary and Max

Directed by Adam Elliot.
2009. Rated PG, 80 minutes.
Cast:
Toni Collette
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Eric Bana
Bethany Whitmore
Barry Humphries
Renée Geyer
Ian “Molly” Meldrum

Mary Daisy Dinkle (Whitmore/Collette) is an eight year old girl living in Australia in the 1970s and is often left to her own devices. She develops lots of hobbies, eats lots of condensed milk straight from the can and watches lots of her favorite show, “The Noblets.” Unfortunately, her mom is drunk most of the time, her dad is usually at working or enjoying his own hobbies in the shed and Mary has no other friends. To change this, she decides to get a pen pal. To decide who the lucky, unsuspecting person will be, she randomly picks a name out of a New York City phone book. That name is Max Horowitz. She eagerly writes the first letter and mails it off.

Max is 44 years old, lives alone in New York and in many ways, is child-like. Like Mary, he spends lots of time eating his favorite food, in his case chocolate, and watching “The Noblets.” He also attends “Overeaters Anonymous” meetings and plays the lottery ever day, always the same number. When he receives Mary’s letter he’s taken aback, at first. Soon, he musters enough courage to return the gesture.

The pair continue to exchange the letters for the next three decades, through all the ups and downs of their lives. This long distance relationship frames their existnces, eventually coming to define them. Through the letters, they get to know each other in ways most people don’t. They truly become friends. The welcome side-effect is that we get to know them intimately, as well. They become our friends. We’re happy when they’re happy. We hurt when they do. A key moment comes when we find out that Max indeed has a diagnosed mental disability. However, this isn’t revealed to draw our sympathy. The real value is showing what effect this has on Mary. The heights and depths of her adult life seem to all stem from knowledge of Max’s affliction.

The question we desperately want answered is will they ever meet face to face? How this plays out is a brilliant and touching piece of film making. It’s not something we arrive upon easily, either. It’s truly a moment many years in the making. If you’re prone to crying at movies, keep the tissue handy. If you’re looking for hyperkinetic action, toilet humor and talking animal sidekicks, you’re in the wrong place. If you want to see two fabulously intertwined character studies, stay.

Tron

Directed by Steven Lisberger.
1982. Rated PG, 96 minutes.
Cast:
Jeff Bridges
Bruce Boxleitner
David Warner
Cindy Morgan
Bernard Hughes
Dan Shor
Peter Jurasik
Tony Stephano

Kevin Flynn (Bridges) tries to hack into his former employer’s network to find proof he created the company’s biggest selling video games. In the process, he is literally sucked into the system and has to fight his way out. It’s an odd watch due to a meandering plot and dialogue convoluted with pseudo-techno jargon. The actors are indeed afterthoughts to the special fx. All the bad guys simply keep a stern look on their faces while the good guys use an expression that says either “gee willikers,” or “holy moly.” Even future Oscar-winner Jeff Bridges just looks wide-eyed and goofy most of the time. It’s just another movie in which computers try to take over the world. Ironically, it crumbles under the weight of showing off its own technology.

Still, it’s the technology that makes Tron an essential movie. By today’s standards it looks primitive and can be outdone by any teenager with a desktop at home. However, it represents the cutting edge of its day. This is the first movie by a major studio to extensively use cgi. Summer blockbusters, as we know them are often traced back to Jaws. They were changed forever by this film. As a result, Tron’s importance far outdistances it’s actual artistic merit.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10