In lots of places, the beginning of June is also the beginning of wedding season. You know weddings, right, those things girls drag their boyfriends as the most massive hint possible. Or, that place where some poor dude in a tux he had to get approved by his soon-to-be wife suffers silently through a hangover while a roomful of people watch and wait for him to say "I do" on cue. Or maybe, if he's lucky like me, the wedding is just the start of the happiest day of his life. This week, Thursday Movie Picks is all about weddings. Thank our illustrious host, Wanderer at Wandering Through the Shelves for this. I've just walked you down the aisle. Now let's get to the actual nuptials.
psst...there's a theme within the theme...at least early.
Oh wait, wrong pic...
(2001)Lord Farquaad pretty much runs things, already. However, he desires to be a true king. To do so, he has to marry a princess. He sets his sights on Princess Fiona who happens to be trapped in a tower guarded by a dragon. Rather than rescuing her, himself, he hires the ogre Shrek who is only doing it so that all of the fairy tale creatures who have sought refuge in his swamp will be made to leave. If you've never seen Shrek, please go do so now.
Damn. did that shit, again.
(2005)Victor and Victoria are both the privileged type who must contend with their arranged marriage to each other. Yes, there is a reference to a Julie Andrews in their names. Anyhoo, Victor is particularly perplexed by the situation. He finds himself alone in the forest practicing his vows. He even goes so far as to place the wedding ring on the root of a tree root sticking out of the ground. What he doesn't know is the root is actually the finger of a woman who had been murdered. His expression of love brings her back to life and she takes it as his truthful declaration. Wonderful weirdness ensues from there.
Book of Life
(2014)Hey, I got that pic right the first time! Ahem, moving on. Here, we have a good old fashioned love triangle where two guys compete for attentions of a young woman. Both are hoping to marry her. One, Manolo, is an aspiring bull fighter from a long line of famous bull fighters. Strangely for the profession, he refuses to kill bulls and really wants to be a musician. The other guy, Joaquin, is the town hero. He actually seems invincible. There's a very good reason for that which I won't give here. Carmen is the young lady over which they're competing. It all sounds pretty straightforward, but there is a major twist. This little contest actually takes them into the afterlife.
You know what? Just about every stat I've ever seen on the matter says that fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Therefore, it only makes sense that half the films I name here are ones I wish I could divorce...or have never watched...that make sense? Anyhoo, that means I have to give you three more films. Three. Rotten. Films.
Madea's Family Reunion
(2006)Doesn't the title say it all? I mean, if you're a Tyler Perry and/or Madea fan, have at it. For me, once was one time too many. The story, should you care, starts with Madea herself being made to take in a troubled child in order to avoid jail time after violating the terms of her house arrest. Read that sentence again and tell me on what planet could this ever happen. Anyhoo, one of Madea's nieces is engaged to an abusive man. The niece's mom encourages the girl to go through with the wedding because the dude is rich. I'm sure that happens somewhere, but ugh! We do end with a wedding in the movie and it is the most ridiculously garish thing ever committed to film. Just look at that pic again, though it doesn't do the scene justice. Those are real people dressed like angels hanging from the ceilings playing real instruments. One of these instruments is a damn piano. Are you fucking kidding me. The period I put on that last sentence was not a typo. That was a statement, not a question.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
(2007)Chuck and Larry are a couple of New York City firefighters who are both straight. A brush with death causes Larry to significantly increase his life insurance. Since he's not allowed to name either of his very young kids as primary beneficiary, and has no prospective wives on the horizon, he comes up with the cockamamie idea to enter a civil union with Chuck, who agrees. Of course, the powers that be start watching Chuck and Larry to make sure they're not committing fraud. A homophobic gay rights movie ensues. How is that even possible? Well, Adam Sandler. Sigh. At least, this is the movie that gave me...and me only...well, and maybe Justin Timberlake...the greatest scene of Jessica Biel's career...
Why, yes. I am occasionally a pig.
(2010)After a lifetime of being bullied, Marni has become a successful executive. She returns home for her brother Will's wedding only to find out his bride to be, Joanna, is the same girl who bullied her in high school. What angers Marni more than anything is Joanna acting like she has no idea who she is. Instead of just confronting Joanna on the first day and potentially ending this blight on humanity in about twenty minutes, we're subjected to Marni jumping through all sorts of hoops hoping to jog Joanna's memory and wrangle an apology from her. The only thing actually worthwhile in this movie is Betty White. Still, I won't ever again watch You Again again. Again.
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