The Underrated Intelligence of Friday the 13th Part 2

We've all got that one friend, right? You love him to death, but he ain't too bright. I mean, he makes the family pet look like Stephen Hawking. But every once in a while, he does something smart. And it blows your f-in' mind. You have to stop what you're doing and have conversations with other incredulous family members like it's some amazing event.

"You know what Jason did?"

"No, what?"

"He walked and chewed gum at the same time."

"Well, I'll be damned!"

For me, the Friday the 13th franchise is that relative. He's dumb as hell, but I'd do anything for him. And every now and again, he does something (semi-) smart and I'm blown away. Since today is Friday the 13th, I figured it would be nice to show you how this works. To demonstrate, I'm going to focus on the much-overlooked Friday the 13th Part 2. This isn't a review, though. I'm just going to tell you a bunch of stuff that happens and even discuss a few things - especially, if they're...um...smart. I feel like I should put a question mark after smart. I'll mull that over while I'm finishing up this post.

Oh, I did say I'm going to tell you a bunch of stuff that happens so...uh...spoiler alert? You'll notice I did put a question mark that time. I mean, it's a Friday the 13th movie. You know what happens, even if you don't know what happens. Know what I mean?

Forget it. Let's just get on it.

The first six minutes or so is just a condensed version of the original Friday the 13th, right down to Alice beheading Mrs. Voorhees then dreaming that a young Jason popped out of Crystal Lake to grab her. Another minute or so of credits and we're off to the proper sequel. Sorta. Alice wakes up in the hospital, gets picked up by her parents, goes to her home far away from said lake, and goes through some physical and emotional recovery.

Character development? Whaaaaaaaattttt? Smart. With a period.

Just in case you were getting your hopes up, thinking she would survive another serial killer, strange things start happening a little short of the 11 minute mark, beginning with a phone call. Alice picks up, but there's no one on the other end. Then it happens...

13:13 - An obviously thrown cat comes flying through an open window. Guess we needed to be reminded what we're watching. Please note the time. Coincidence? I think not.

Our girl acts frantic walking around her house just a bit longer until...

13:47 - Alice opens the refigerator and sees a severed head. Someone grabs her from behind and...

Kill #1!

Screwdriver through the head.


Pause. Jason travels. And makes phone calls. On his own. Let that sink in.

Anyhoo, we get to the rundown town around Camp Crystal Lake as another group of would-be counselors are headed that way. Guess who shows up...

16:00 - Crazy Ralph is back! And he's delivering another alcohol-fueled, unbathed warning to the first couple of silly kids we meet. Good to have you back, buddy.

We start meeting more counselors, including Paul the camp director. He gives us a major piece of information. He's not re-opening Camp Crystal Lake. Why would he do that? He heard what happened there. No, no, no. He's opening a brand new camp on the other side of this fairly small lake.

Smart?

The last counselor we meet is Ginny. She comes in meets and greets a few of her new co-workers. We learn that kids won't be arriving for a while. The counselors are just here to get the place ready for death them. We also quickly find out she's also Paul's main squeeze. A little later, it's clear they do the oochie-coochie.

Folks, we can't skim over this. I'll tell you why, later.

Other important news...

23:33 - Ginny gets in her car and it has trouble starting.

Foreshadowing. Whaaaaaaaattttt? Just look at Jason, walking and popping that gum all at once.

29:45 - Campfire stories!

This is when Paul, center in the pic above, tells everyone the story of the first movie and lets them know Jason is still out there. For some reason, he is not shining a flashlight under his chin nor eating roasted marshmallows, but whatever. He then tells them it's all a silly myth and they're all safe.

Hmmm. Paul might be right. I mean, we're crossing the 30-minute mark and none of these bastards has been murdered. C'mon guys, we're on a tight schedule. It's only an 86-minute movie. Chop chop!

31:20 - There's a Peeping Tom around Crystal Lake. Hey, wait a minute. It's Crazy Ralph. Dude, you should've stuck to just drunkenly warning the kids, not getting your creep on. You know what that means...

Kill #2!!

Ralph gets pinned to a tree with barbed wire wrapped around his neck.

34:45 - Our bustiest, bounciest counselor talks her boyfriend into sneaking off to explore the actual Camp Crystal Lake because it would be a cool story to tell their friends back home. Well, at least she has a good reason for wanting to be butchered. He goes along because boobs.

But it doesn't happen! Aiiight now, movie. What's the hold up? This time it's a local cop who shows up and runs the kids off the property after they come across a mutilated dog they believe to be Muffins, the dog of one of their co-workers, but sadly, before they themselves die there.

Just as he starts on his way back to town, the cop stops his car and engages in a foot chase with a suspicious figure who went into the woods.

No smart Mr. Officer. Not smart, at all.

He comes across a shack with no one living there and goes in. He sees something ghastly we're not shown and leaves.

More foreshadowing. Whaaaaaaaattttt? High five, movie. High five.

Soon, he discovers he's the one being chased. This is when the most amazing thing happens.

39:40 - While in pursuit, Jason trots.

Jason trots.

JASON TROTS!

WHUTDA FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUQQQQQQQ?

Anyhoo, what does this supercop get for his troubles?

Kill #3!!!

The claw end of a hammer to the back of the skull.

He's not a counselor, but he'll do. Speaking of the counselors, we get another one wandering off alone.

Well, this looks promising. She finds herself standing on the shore. However, instead of a kill we get...

45:34 - Skinny dipping!

We're talkin' full nekkidness.

Oh, you thought I was gonna show you a pic of THAT. What kind of site do you think this is?

Of course, one of her idiot co-workers sneaks up to get a look at her and picks up her clothes just to mess with her. While taunting her with her own gear, he gets caught in one of those traps where you wind up hanging upside down from a tree.

"Hey, guess what Jason did."

"What?"

"He set a trap."

"Wonders never cease."

Smart.

Anyhoo, the skinny dipper grabs her clothing back and runs off to get a knife and cut him down. Before she can get back, Jason shows up with a knife way too big for the job and...

Kill #4!!!!

Throat slash.

Over the next few minutes, a bunch of counselors head out to a local bar. The buxom babe and her beau have to stick around because of their earlier escapades. With them are a wheelchair bound dude and a chick who has the hots for him. One of the first things she says to him is, and I'm paraphrasing, I see your legs are useless, but is your dick broke? I wish I were kidding. Well, Boobalicious and her boy toy bounce off to test the springs on one of the camp beds. It's for the kids, ya know. The other two play a couple of games before the lady-half of the duo heads back to her own cabin to sexy up.

In 2018, these no longer qualify as sexy.

While she's away, our boy in the chair, say it with me, hears a strange noise outside. He rolls out to investigate and...

59:38 -

Kill #5!!!!!

Machete to the face, rolling backwards down the longest staircase in the history of summer camps.

Wait, who wheeled him up there?

Never mind.

Just know that this is by far the best kill in the movie.

Moving on. We check in on that bed-checking session.

No, we don't. We rewind to watch that kill several more times.

Now, we check in on that bed-checking session.

1:01:13 -

Kills #6!!!!!! and 7!!!!!!!

The franchise's first two-for-one.

Hot damn, we're cooking with gas, now!

1:03:31 - Remember the girl that went to all gussied up for ya boy? Well, she comes back looking for him. Nope, she doesn't see him at the bottom of those steps. She goes inside and starts looking around because it's awfully quiet in there. You know who she finds?

Jason! Our first official character reveal!

Historically, everyone will tell you this is a burlap sack. Except me. It sure looks like he snatched one of those pillowcases off the bed he killed that couple in, poked a hole in it - just one, remember he ain't too bright -, and tied a string around his neck to keep it in place. Oh yeah, this is when we get

Kill #8!!!!!!!!

Knife to the gut.

Finally, Paul and Ginny pop over to the cabin, start discovering bodies, and run into Jason. And he and Paul engage in some fisticuffs. Paul loses, but damn if it ain't a fair fight. This isn't the Jason you thought you knew.

Ginny takes off running. Smart.

She heads to her car. Smart.

1:09:21 - The car won't start.

A payoff to a set up that occurred about 45 minutes ago? Whaaaaaaaattttt? Smart.

Ginny takes off running again. Smart.

JASON TROTS AGAIN!

Ginny uses real and effective evasive tactics. I'm not joking. She's doubling back, circling around, and doing all sorts of things that go against genre stereotypes.

You go, girl!

Still, she finds herself in Jason's shack and hides under a bed. Jason? Well, he's a crafty little devil. Just when Ginny thinks it's safe and pokes her head out, she notices him standing on a chair about to drive something sharp through her head. Movie God intervenes, the chair buckles under his weight and Ginny manages to escape. Unfortunately, she runs into the room our cop friend saw before and sees this...

Yup, that's Jason's mama's head.

Luckily, Ginny is in this super smart horror "film." She thinks quick, yanks that sweater off the table, puts it on, and pretends to be Mrs. Vorhees.

This works as long as Ginny's is in front of Mrs. Vorhees's head. As soon as he catches a glimpse of it, it's on again. But Ginny manages to chop Jason across the throat with a machete. Somewhere in all this, we get one of the franchise's most exciting shots...

After this, Ginny pulls the bag off of Jason's head and cringes, but they don't show us.

1:23:26 - Muffin's okay!

1:23:48 - Jason comes crashing through the window in similar fashion to the end of the first movie.

A callback! Whaaaaaaaattttt?

Okay, that's smart, but ultimately pointless because Ginny actually lives. He never really came through that window.

Cue credits.

As the credits are going, I can't help but think about a couple things. First, is Paul dead or not? It's never really made clear. Next there were a whole lot of counselors out partying at that bar while all the mayhem was occurring. You know what those people are?

Smart.

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