31 Days of Horror: Dell's Favorite Horror Comedies, #52-26

31 Days of Horror: Beetlejuice

31 Days of Horror: Lights Out

Thursday Movie Picks: Ghost Movies

Insidious: Chapter 3

The Babadook

Unfriended

Housebound

A Haunted House

Directed by Michael Tiddes.

2013. Rated R, 86 minutes.

Cast:

Marlon Wayans

Essence Atkins

Nick Swardson

Andrew Daly

Alanna Ubach

Cedric the Entertainer

Marlene Forte

David Koechner

Dave Sheridan

Affion Crockett

J.B. Smoove

Today is a big day. This is when Malcolm's (Wayans) girlfriend Kisha (Atkins) is moving in with him. He has a spacious house with a pool and a jacuzzi and a housekeeper named Rosa (Forte) to help him maintain it all. Of course, the second Kisha gets there, strange things start happening. It soon becomes apparent that there is a ghost in the house. And since this is a found footage movie, every oddity is caught on camera. Just so you don't go thinking this has any chance of being scary I'll let you know that this is a parody of the Paranormal Activity franchise. Therefore, comedy, or something like it, ensues.

The setup is familiar. Things happen, with the most extreme stuff occurring during the wee hours of the night. In the mornings, our loving couple watches the footage to see what went on for themselves. The difference between this and the movies it pokes fun of, plot wise, is that this is really all about sex. Nearly every joke overtly references some form of the act or another. This includes a rather extended scene of a threesome involving Malcolm and a pair of teddy bears. You might laugh yourself silly, become too uncomfortable to laugh, or both. Like much of the movie, it goes out of its way to be crass. A Haunted House also leans toward stereotypes and male homophobia (being completely okay with female homosexuality, naturally). Take it, or leave it.

Now that you know what to expect out of this movie, I can probably stop writing. However, I do want to touch on some of the highlights. For me, the biggest is Marlene Forte as Rosa. She is the one who made me laugh most consistently. She also takes what could be just a sliver of a character and forms a fully realized being. To be perfectly honest, it probably helps that we only get her in small doses. I'm judging by the plethora of supporting players who come to the house at some point. Most are at least a little funny for the first few minutes after they show up, but manage to wear out their welcome. Another positive is that whether you love it or hate it, it's not boring. The run time is thankfully short. On top of that it moves quickly because things are constantly happening that grab our attention.

While I wouldn't call A Haunted House good, I will say it wasn't nearly as painful as it could have been. It's better than another Wayans Brothers horror spoof, the Scary Movie franchise. Unlike those, it doesn't just re-enact random scenes from a bunch of movies appearing schizophrenic and pulling us in way too many directions. A Haunted House uses the template provided by Paranormal Activity, even to the point of imitation, but creates its own self-contained and cohesive narrative. You need not have seen twenty other films to get most of the jokes. Really, you don't even have to have seen Paranormal Activity. It stands up, or falls down depending on your tolerance for humor that might be beyond raunchy, on its own accord.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

Directed by Christopher B. Landon.

2014. Rated R, 84 minutes.

Cast:

Andrew Jacobs

Jorge Diaz

Gabrielle Walsh

Renee Victor

Noemi Gonzalez

David Saucedo

Gloria Sandoval

Katie Featherston

Micah Sloat

Molly Ephraim

For this installment in the Paranormal Activity series, we switch from a sprawling quiet suburb to a cramped inner-city apartment building. Instead of focusing on Katie (Featherston) and/or members of her family, we follow around Jesse (Jacobs) and Hector (Diaz), a couple of guys who just graduated from high school, but don't really seem to have much direction. Their days consist of a little skateboarding, smoking a little pot, trying to get into some girl's pants, videotaping everything, and avoiding the occasional horde of thugs who happen to notice that they're suddenly on camera. After hearing some strange, erotic sounding noises coming through the vent from the apartment below, guess where they drop their camera. What they see enhances, but doesn't quite confirm their belief that the lady who lives in said apartment is a witch. To cut to the chase, strange things start happening in Jesse's apartment, and to him personally.

Once again, we follow the Paranormal Activity template. Someone lugs a camera around while odd things happen and someone is possessed. Aided by the home footage look that permeates the series, the acting is pretty natural. It is a major plus to be able to say anything good about the acting in the fifth movie in a horror franchise. And it's true. Watching these two guys just be boys is easily the best part of the movie. Unfortunately, nothing else holds much water. The jump scares don't make us jump and certainly don't scare us. The plot meanders way too much for its own good. The whole thing makes less sense any other film in the series, and ends with a lame tie-in to those movies. Part of that is simply due to location. It simply doesn't work.

The change in scenery creates a big problem for this film that its predecessors didn't have. Part of what makes a haunted house flick successful is the isolation felt by the inhabitants. It's easy for neighbors to not believe you have ghosts because they may never hear or see anything. This fosters a sense of hopelessness in both the people living in the house and the viewers. The only people that might help are ones you call when times are desperate, members of the clergy or oddballs that fancy themselves to be ghost-busters. More important to the atmosphere of the movie, there really is nothing else going on. By changing to a crowded urban landscape the plot is instantly convoluted. There are too many people that could, and should, know something. There are also too many people who don't give a crap what's going on. There are just naturally too many agendas to present for this type of story. This leads us in the audience to more willingly question the events in the movie. Our ability to suspend disbelief is more seriously tested. When things are focused on the happenings inside a single family house where the neighbors aren't too close, it's easier for us to be absorbed by the movie and experience it. With The Marked Ones, we just watch it. Magic already fading due to the redundant nature of being a franchise with an installment every year, is now completely gone.

Insidious: Chapter 2

Directed by James Wan.

2013. Rated PG-13, 105 minutes.

Cast:

Patrick Wilson

Rose Byrne

Ty Simpkins

Lin Shaye

Steve Coulter

Barbara Hershey

Leigh Wannell

Angus Sampson

Danielle Bisutti

When we last left the Lambert family, they rescued their son from the annoying ghosts that started following them around. Unfortunately, Elise, the lady they hired to help them, died in the process. Well, where there's a dead body, there are police. And they don't wanna hear any crap about a haunted house. Yes. We know that's the truth, but try explaining that in a court of law. Thought so. Anyhoo, as far as the cops are concerned, all signs point to Renai (Byrne) as Elise's murderer. While they're conducting their investigation, the Lamberts figure out they have bigger fish to fry. With Josh (as the main target of the happenings, they realize that the house is still haunted.

We're treated to another round of things going bump in the night. And much of the day for that matter. However, it's the things going bump that make all the difference between this movie and its predecessor. Okay. This is as good a time as any to tell you I didn't like the first Insidious. To me, the ghosts in that movie never seemed like they were really threatening to the people involved. They just showed up, made a funny face and lurched toward someone like they weren't actually trying to get them. It was all rather silly. This time around, the ghosts have more purpose. It feels like they want to do some damage. Better yet, we get a nicely fleshed out back story for them that is much more interesting than what's happening on this side of purgatory. 

I'm not being completely fair. The stuff going on with the family is better than it was in the first movie, too. A lot of this has to do with its juxtaposition with a better ghost story. Fine, I'll take it however I can get it. Much of it plays like The Amityville Horror. This is also fine because it adds some much needed life to the proceedings. The kids are de-emphasized as we focus on whether or not Josh has been driven crazy by his supernatural house guests, or is something entirely different going on. All of the extra intrigue helps this one zip by instead of trudging forward like one of the first movie's apparitions.

 Director James Wan has built up his own little cottage industry of haunted house flicks starring Patrick Wilson. This includes both Insidious movies and the far better The Conjuring and its sequel on the way. Thankfully, this second Insidious has more in common with The Conjuring than with its predecessor. It isn't quite that good, but it functions solidly. The major plus here being the Psycho inspired ghost. It adds a sense of urgency to the proceedings that was sorely missing the first time around. Having said all of this, I understand that plenty of people loved the original, or at least shelled out money to see it. I also know that my opinion runs counter to popular thought on both films, but what can I say? I think the first one sucked and I like this one okay.

MY SCORE: 6/10

Click here for my review of Insidious

The Conjuring

Directed by James Wan.

2013. Rated R, 112 minutes.

Cast:

Vera Farmiga

Patrick Wilson

Ron Livingston

Lili Taylor

Shanley Caswell

Hayley McFarland

Joey King

Mackenzie Foy

Kyla Deaver

Shannon Kook

It’s 1971 and the Perron family, Carolyn (Taylor), Roger (Livingston), and their five daughters, moves into their new house which is certainly a fixer-upper. Shortly thereafter they discover a basement that was completely boarded up and add that to the to-do-list. Of course, things start going bump in the night and scaring the bejeezus out of everyone in the house. When things get to be too much Carolyn seeks out the help of renowned demonologists Ed (Wilson) and Lorraine (Farmiga) Warren. More strange stuff ensues. All of this is kinda-sorta supposedly allegedly maybe based on a true story.

What The Conjuring does best is simply be what it is, an old fashioned haunted house flick. In spite of this, the movie succeeds. Somehow, instead of being a lame, by-the-numbers affair, it milks the formula for all its worth. It is, at once, a call back to an era gone by and a breath of fresh air. The tension builds steadily until the whole situation erupts in the final act. While we wait to get to that point we settle into the sweet spot of having a good idea how things are going to happen but still being glued to the screen to watch it play out.

Almost everyone on the screen feels like a stock character. This is a bit of a drawback, but everyone plays their roles so well it hardly matters. The ladies stand tall in this crowd, starting with Lili Taylor as mom Carolyn. She is the vessel through which we experience the movie. She gives a superb performance displaying a woman whose mental state is steadily decaying as the inexplicable keeps happening around her. As someone who has already gone through some odd things in her life, Vera Farmiga is nearly as good. By the way, Farmiga’s character Lorraine and her husband Ed are indeed based on the real-life couple of the same name and job description. In fact, they were the first paranormal investigators on the scene of the infamous Amityville Horror. Perhaps not so coincidentally, this movie bears a healthy resemblance to that genre giant.

As good as the acting is, for me, the key lies in our ghosts. There is a sense that something bad could happen to these people at any moment. They feel like a real threat. This is completely opposite of director James Wan’s other haunted house flick, Insidious. In that movie, the haunters come off as benign. They never seem like they’re really out to get the family in the house. They show up, mug for the camera and disappear. Here, they add a much more real sense of danger, making this a much more interesting ride. Where Insidious is overwrought and plodding, this one snaps, crackles, and pops.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

The Amityville Horror (2005)

Directed by Andrew Douglas.

2005. Rated PG-13, 89 minutes.

Cast:

Ryan Reynolds

Melissa George

Chloë Grace-Moretz

Jesse James

Jimmy Bennett

Rachel Nichols

Philip Baker Hall

In 1979, The Amityville Horror hit theaters, and not only became a hit movie, but a cultural phenomenon. People actually made the trek to New York to see the house where the movie was set because it was supposedly a true story. I don’t knock anyone for believing in ghosts and/or haunted houses. To each his own. However, I do have to question the intelligence of people who believe it to be true and go there on purpose. What if it is? Being in the midst of a demonic paranormal entity doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs to me. As noted in my review of the original, whether or not our tale is rooted in reality has been hotly debated and largely debunked. What is inarguable is that it provided the template for the modern haunted house movie which is still being ripped off ad nauseum all these years later.

This brings us to the remake you came here to read about. The setup is the same as the older movie. The Lutz family is house shopping for a place suitable for their family of six: George (Reynolds), Kathy (George), three kids, and one dog. The kids and the dog came with Kathy as part of a package deal, having remarried after the death of her first husband. They check out the fateful house and it is obviously out of their price range. No worries, the real estate agent assures them she’s letting it go cheap. When asked what gives, she explains what we saw at the very beginning. The year before, some nut got up out of bed at 3:15 AM and blasted everyone in his family with a shotgun. Since it is a beautiful house, and George wants to make his woman happy, the Lutzes decide to buy it. After all, as George so eloquently puts it, “houses don’t kill people.” We’ll just see about that, won’t we.

Right away, and every night at 3:15, things go haywire. George is affected more than anyone. The movie, including Reynolds himself, does a nice job with his rapidly deteriorating mental state. This is very clearly a man losing it. Just to make sure we know that it’s the house causing all of his issues, he’s a much nicer guy whenever he is away from it. For the most part, he drives the movie. The film, and the house, uses him to crank things up or ratchet them down at the appropriate times.

The character who shoulders the rest of the load is the daughter Chelsea. She interacts with the house in a way no one else does. As a result, she’s often in harm’s way. This is one of the very early performances of child star Chloë Grace-Moretz. She’s about as solid as any kid would be in the role, but it’s hard to tell from this that she would become a top notch and highly sought after talent with many horror titles on her resumé. Still, the movie effectively uses her to score easy sympathy points and provide some harrowing scenes.

On its own, this is a briskly pace film packed with creepy visuals. It hardly gives us a chance to catch our breath as it is constantly sprinting to the next big moment. Juxtaposed with its predecessor, we see that it is a more concentrated effort. This version is almost solely focused on the Lutz family. The story of Father Callaway (Hall), Father Delaney in the original, ran prominently alongside the main plot in that older flick, but is barely included here, almost totally diminished in importance and altered in execution. Conversely, the bit about Lisa (Nichols), the baby-sitter, is expanded into a much more intense scene and the character herself is completely different. The other major difference is how the dog is handled. In the original, it is used to show how caring a person George really is when not under the house’s influence. This time it’s used to demonstrate George’s loosening grip on reality.

It is my opinion that this is a very underrated movie. It ramps up the tension early and doesn't let up. Ryan Reynolds gives a very convincing performance of a guy flipping out. There are also excellent and unsettling visuals throughout. Normally, a ninety minute remake of a two hour movie is cause to ring the alarms. Ring them even louder when you add the fact that Michael Bay is a producer on this one. Logic tells us that so much would be left out it would feel incomplete. Honestly, there are things left out of this version. However, it feels like what was removed made it a more concise effort without sacrificing the essence of its predecessor. It’s just plain fun to sit through.

MY SCORE: 7/10

The Amityville Horror (1979)

Directed by Stuart Rosenberg.

1979. Rated R, 119 minutes.

Cast:

James Brolin

Margot Kidder

Rod Steiger

Don Stroud

Murray Hamilton

Natasha Ryan

K.C. Martel

Meeno Peluce

Helen Shaver

Amy Wright

Irene Dailey

The Lutz family is shopping for a house. Even though George (Brolin) and Kathy (Kidder) are on a strict budget, they need a place big enough for them, Kathy’s three kids from a previous marriage and their dog. Fortunately, a house sitting right on the lake with more than enough property is available. It would normally go for an exorbitant price, but the real estate agent is desperate to get this one off the market. That has something to do with what happened a year ago. One of the prior residents lost it and killed his whole family. Yes, our prospective buyers are aware of this fact. But hey, the agent assures the Lutzes that their low-ball offer will be accepted so they make the deal and move in. This shouldn't be a problem because, as George says, “Houses don’t have memories.” Or, do they? Things go haywire promptly at 3:15 AM every night and anyone wearing any type of religious garb is rudely welcomed.

It isn't long before hell starts breaking loose which helps create tension early on, keeping us engaged. We’re not exactly sure what’s going to happen next, but we eagerly anticipate what that might be. Even better, the house seems to be working a divide and conquer scheme, mostly concentrating on George. More and more as the movie progresses he gets that far away look in his eyes, separates himself from the family and we’re just waiting for him to completely snap.

An interesting subplot is that of Father Delaney (Steiger) who shows up early to bless the house at the Lutz's request. How this story plays out runs perfectly alongside the main plot. It doesn't quite fit the haunted house motif, but it works by bolstering our understanding of the house’s power. It becomes a character with more than one dimension, proactive in what it’s doing to the family, reactive and defensive with those who may have the ability to stop it.

Thirty plus years since its release, The Amityville Horror is a movie that has to contend with history. First and foremost, it has to deal with the countless haunted house flicks that have come out since 1979. Many, if not all of them, are heavily influenced by this movie. Though not nearly as impactful on the viewer as it once might have been, it stands above most of the crowd. Helping it to do so is how the family is handled and the performances of the leads. Many of the genre’s entries trudge along way too slowly, showing the family’s mundane life in a feigned attempt at character development. Here, we get to to know them as the rest of the story unfolds. This doesn't make the Lutz family the most memorable lot, but it’s an effective way of telling the story.

That story and its history also loom large over the film. When it came out it was billed as a tale based mostly in fact. Over the years, how true that is has been debated heavily. Books have been written and interviews conducted, including with the real Lutz family. Their stories have changed several times and their credibility has become highly questionable. Conventional wisdom now says that the true story angle is a crock. Truthfully, this is neither here nor there with regards to the quality of the movie, just an interesting tidbit I thought I’d share.

As for the movie, it is still a very solid haunted house flick. It may come off as dated. Some of this is due to the look of the film and the fashions on display. The bigger problem, however, is that so many of the things this movie introduced have become old hat. Viewers without perspective may struggle to see what the big deal is. I’ll address them directly in case I somehow haven’t made it clear: all of the haunted house movies you love stole from this one.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

Lovely Molly

Directed by Eduardo Sánchez.

2012. Rated R, 99 minutes.

Cast:

Gretchen Lodge

Johnny Lewis

Alexandra Holden

Ken Arnold

Lauren Lakis

Field Blauvelt

Daniel Ross

Todd Ryan Jones

Alexis Savage

Molly (Lodge) is a newlywed. With her hubby Tim (Lewis), for reasons never quite clear, she’s moved into the house where she grew up, the house of her deceased parents. Pretty soon, things start going bump in the night. Apparently, something is walking around the house, calling her name, and generally driving her batshit insane. It doesn’t help that Tim is a truck driver often away on long trips for days at a time. While he’s away he sends the local clergy, Pastor Bobby (Blauvelt), over to check on her. Her sister Hannah (Holden) also keeps tabs on her. They’re all worried she’ll go back to using heroin. Molly insists she won’t, and that she’s not crazy, yet she keeps hearing and seeing things. Not surprisingly, she comes apart a little more each day.

This is actually an interesting watch that takes standard haunted house tropes and makes them work. The footsteps, ominous voices, and the like are employed to wonderful effect. Their juxtaposition with the performance of Gretchen Lodge in the lead role is what makes it go. Her mental health is disintegrating in front of our eyes. She really seems to be a woman no longer able to hold it all together. It’s very nice work in a genre not known for attracting the best and brightest stars. She makes all of those regular horror elements spring to life. We really feel that she is in danger. The spiraling story knocks us back on our heels a bit while she draws us into the story.

While watching, we wonder if any of this is “real,” or if Molly is just that far gone. Her actions grow in peculiarity and severity as we roll along. We also desperately want to know what is with her fixation on the mother and daughter who live nearby. Eventually, all hell breaks loose and answers start flying in from every direction. It’s a beautifully twisted final act that doesn’t shy away from depicting what is essentially a breakdown. We think.

Then we get to the final two scenes. Without giving anything away, I’ll just say it all turns into a giant WTF ending. Sure, it’s ambiguous, providing no easy answers so it should be right up my alley. Unfortunately, it’s more confusing than anything and introduces things not previously in the movie. This could work, but it’s a jarring blow to our fundamental understanding of what’s been happening. It’s somehow much more far fetched than anything else that has happened and almost totally undermines what is, up until then, an enjoyable horror experience.

The Possession

The Awakening

Directed by Nick Murphy.

2012. Rated R, 107 minutes

Cast:

Rebecca Hall

Dominic West

Imelda Staunton

Isaac Hempstead Wright

Lucy Cohu

Ian Hanmore

Cal Macaninch

John Shrapnel

Richard Durden

At the very beginning of The Awakening, we’re filled in on what’s been happening in our setting, early twentieth century London. People have been dying left and right with their demises being blamed on ghosts. Florence Cathcart (Hall) doesn't buy any of this. When we meet her, she’s busting up the operation of some phony medium. She’s also a best-selling author, having written a book definitively concluding there is no such thing as a ghost. Her book is so good, we’re told several times that most people keep it right next to their Bible. This makes zero sense because she clearly states that she has no use for religion, doesn't believe in God, or an after-life of any sort and implies that this is also made transparent in the book. Last I checked, Christians weren't too fond of such declarations, but whatever.

The point of it all is that Florence is hired to investigate the possible existence of a ghost at a boarding school for boys after one of its students has inexplicably died. Naturally, since the class photo from every year shows the same ghostly image, this is thought to be the work of some supernatural force. Within a few short scenes, our heroine solves the mystery of the boy’s death in a way awfully reminiscent of an episode of Scooby-Doo. The only thing missing is her unmasking the villain who then proclaims “I would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids!” But of course, strange things keep happening and the movie goes on. And on.

The rest of our time is spent is this dreary school watching Florence set traps for the alleged ghost, hearing noises and seeing the fleeting image of a little boy. It should go without saying she tries to follow the lad only to be led, inevitably, to a room with a large dollhouse. When she looks inside she sees the most recent events depicted with startling accuracy. Creepy. Oh, along the way she falls in love with Robert (West), the guy who hired her. She also befriends Maud (Staunton), the lady who seems to do everything inside the building and Tom (Wright), a friendless boy who likes talking to adults.

All told, it’s a very “meh” experience. The biggest problem is, as frightened as Florence gets, she never really appears to be in any danger. She seems to be cracking up, but that’s about it. The only question is whether or not this is a real ghost. Without her life being on the line it doesn't feel like that pressing an issue, either. Rebecca Hall plays the role well, but the situations are a tad benign to draw us to the edge of our seats.

Alas, we find out Florence’s life really is threatened. Here, the movie takes a bizarre turn that includes an attempted rape, single-person ping pong, another trip to the dollhouse and poisoning. This is all welcome because the pace thankfully picks up from the dreadfully slow trudge we've been enduring, even though it doesn't make a bunch of sense. The ending is confusing as we’re sure of one thing, but not another. When the credits roll, it feels like we've watched a rip-off of The Sixth Sense. Judging by that movie’s lofty status with critics and regular folk alike, most of you might feel that’s a good thing. Not to be a contrarian, but I didn't like The Sixth Sense. And since a copy is never as sharp as the original, I like The Awakening even less.

Mama

Directed by Andrés Muschietti.

2013. Rated R, 100 minutes.

Cast:

Jessica Chastain

Megan Charpentier

Isabelle Nélisse

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

Jane Moffat

Daniel Kash

Javier Botet

David Fox

Hannah Cheesman

Some rather unfortunate events leave two little girls alone in a cabin deep in the woods to fend for themselves. Five years pass until they are discovered by a search party working for their uncle Lucas (Coster-Waldau). It is miraculous that they've survived but, as expected, they’re severely damaged to the point of being animalistic. Victoria (Charpentier), now eight years old, and six year old Lilly (Nélisse) have subsisted on a steady diet of cherries and raised themselves. Sort of. After some intense therapy, Uncle Luke takes the girls in. Also living with him is his girlfriend Annabel (Chastain). The girls are coming along, Victoria much faster than Lilly, but are much more apt to obey Mama, a mysterious figure they often refer to that seems to live in their bedroom closet but no one else has seen. Adults trying to figure who and what Mama is while she/it makes things go bump in the night, and occasionally during the day, ensues.

Thankfully, instead of going the found footage route, Mama is an old-fashioned ghost story. It employs some new-fangled technology, to be sure, but the frights it tries to provide are from an era long since passed. It forgoes the gore in favor of an inferred presence, an ominous score and jump scares. Through these means it creates a foreboding atmosphere that it refuses to turn loose.

Our uneasiness is fostered by a sufficiently worried performance from Jessica Chastain. She provides the audience with a capable conduit as she often voices our feelings on the matters at hand and is the one character rounded just enough for us to care for. That being the case, she highlights the movie’s biggest problem. We have a pretty good idea of what each character is going to say or do, provided we've seen a scary movie or two. Annabel is someone to root for, but isn't really that intriguing. Uncle Lucas gets hurt early on and spends most of the movie in the hospital so he has nothing to do until the finale. Other characters only show up from time to time to explain the plot to us or to die because, you know, horror flicks need that sort of thing. Therefore, all we’re left with is that dread inducing music littered with abrupt noises to startle us.

Early on those old school tactics work pretty well, but they eventually lose power. The story is too paint-by-numbers to sustain the level of terror necessary to keep us truly locked in. Once the legend of Mama first starts to unfold it feels really familiar to us. In fact, it’s not terribly different from The Woman in Black. In short, once we know what’s coming we start to pick it apart. To it’s credit, Mama holds us as long as possible and is, at times, enjoyable. It’s just not quite good enough to stick.

The Innkeepers

Directed by Ti West.

2011. Rated R, 101 minutes.

Cast:

Sara Paxton

Pat Healy

Kelly McGillis

Alison Bartlett

Jake Ryan

Lena Dunham

George Riddle

Brenda Cooney

John Speredakos

An old, stale hotel on the last weekend it will ever be in business, with only a few people around, seems as good a place as any for a good haunted house flick. ENGH! Wrong answer. At least in this case. I’m not sure there are any right answers in the 100 plus minutes we spend in this drab setting. By drab, I don’t mean anything remotely “haunting”, either. I just mean “bleh.”

Things start well enough, I guess. As mentioned, the Yankee Pedlar Inn is going out of business and the owner is wisely on vacation elsewhere. This means we’re stuck with the only two dweebs who work here, Clare (Paxton) and Luke (Healy). For some strange reason, they think they’re Akroyd and Murray back in 1984. Get it? Sigh…kids these days. They think they’re Ghostbusters! He-dweeb spends most of every day tap, tap, tapping on his laptop, designing his website based on “real” paranormal activity. She-dweeb mostly just believes whatever flies out of his pie-hole and agrees to try and record the ghosts in the hotel. By record, I mean audio only, not video. Huh? Whatever. Legend has it that, way back when, a bride hanged herself in one of the rooms because her brand new hubby abandoned her. Instead of using her apparently active afterlife to find that bum and haunt his ass, she knocks around the Inn occasionally going “Woooohhhh” and scaring the guests.

Hey, I've tortured myself once by watching this movie and twice by sitting down to write this review. Consider this your chance to stop reading now. You already know how I feel about this so-called film. Therefore, I’m going to do something constructive while I bang out a few more paragraphs. I’m attempting to take the art of onomatopoeia to new heights, just like this, boom. Didn't you notice ENGH? Bleh? Okay, at least you understood boom. No? Sigh. Grab a dictionary and look up onomatopoeia. Damn, you’re lazy. Just click here. See what I did there? I’m sorry, you’re not lazy, unless you are…screw it.

We left off on guests, right? Hmph, the only paying ones are a lady and her son. We learn she’s pissed at her hubby and punishing him by spending the weekend away. Ha! Judging from her demeanor I’ll bet he’s not feeling so punished. As for the boy, probably about 8, he gets a treat when he gets to see she-dweeb in her undies. Boing! Good for you, child actor. Now, don’t do drugs. Unfortunately for she-dweeb, after a frightening moment (for her anyway) sends her running to he-dweebs room she sees him in his undies. Ladies, trust me when I say this: gag!

Anyhoo, the lady and her son leave and an alcoholic, former actress, current medium arrives. Every haunted house flick has to have one of those. She’s in town for a people-who-talk-to-dead-people convention but of course, gets pulled into the goings on at the hotel. Right before just about every action she knocks back one of those small airline bottles of booze. A little later, some random old dude shows up and yes, he’ll become part of the happenings, also.

What are these happenings, you ask? Whenever she-dweeb is alone (they man the front desk in shifts), she starts hearing stuff knock or clank or wind howling or the piano in the lobby starts playing by itself. At some point during all the commotion, she yanks the recording equipment off the desk and mostly captures herself whimpering. Nice. She finally gets a noise other than from her own body, screams, runs and tells he-dweeb or drunk psychic and then…nothing. Between these scenes, our dweebs have completely inane conversations. Seriously, it’s like “Hey, look at my website and ghosts are real blah blah blah.”

“I totally believe you ‘cuz sometimes people see stuff and blah blah blah.”

Okay, movie, either kill them now or kill me. I’m begging. Hear that? That’s the sound of brain cells oozing out of my ear, splashing to their death on my shoulder so they no longer have to listen to this dreck. I should have known better. Our director, Ti West, also helmed the equally bad and equally overrated House of the Devil. If you see this man anywhere near a movie set, please have the nearest person call 911 then physically restrain him until the cops arrive.

Regardless of my feelings on the matter, The Innkeepers drones on. Sigh. You know the drill. Eventually, he-dweeb picks up on the fact strange crap is really happening and drunk psychic says ‘get out.’ I’m paraphrasing, of course. As for the random old dude, I’ll let you figure it out. Will she-dweeb and he-dweeb escape the dead bride? Will you give a flying fox fleeing from a flock of pheasants? Dun dun dun DUNNNNN!

Silent House

Directed by Chris Kentis and Laura Lau.

2012. Rated R, 86 minutes.

Cast:

Elizabeth Olsen

Adam Treese

Eric Sheffer Stevens

Julia Taylor Ross

Adam Barnett

Haley Murphy

Sarah (Olsen) is at the summer house her family owns with her father and uncle. They’re packing and patching things up in order to get it ready to sell. Progress is slow, and not helped by the fact that the power is out. You know what that means. Once the sun sets, and the uncle goes out for a bit, Sarah starts hearing all sorts of noises, including footsteps. However, this is no ghost story and those are real footsteps. Maybe. There really is someone uninvited walking around the house. They've already given dad the business and now they’re after her. Sarah playing cat and mouse with the intruder ensues.

We’re treated to little more than an hour of Sarah panting, crying, and scurrying from room to room, hiding under tables and around corners, then out of the house when her uncle returns, as her tormentor slowly searches for her. The methodical thump of footsteps and the surprisingly unnerving sound of an old school Polaroid camera are very effective creating a sense of pending doom. It helps that Olsen’s performance really sells it all. On occasion, it feels repetitive. How many times can the boogeyman just miss our heroine before we begin to feel he’ll never catch her?

Thankfully, some other things start happening. Namely, Sarah starts seeing more stuff. They seem random, at first, but definitely advance the plot. To this end, there is also the happy-go-lucky neighbor whom she use play with as a child, but can’t really remember. When all becomes clear is the viewer’s moment of truth. You’ll either label it genius and proclaim this one of the best horror movies in recent memory, or think it’s downright dumb and a waste of time. Those in the camp of the former will likely pull out all of their dime store psychology to explain it to people in the latter. Whichever way you lean, just don’t come into Silent House thinking you’re going to see a bunch of dead teenagers with hacked off body parts. It uses whatever surface thrills it has early, but leads to something for us to ponder, not some grand blood bath. I personally lean toward genius, but realize it’s probably a love-it or hate-it type of flick.