Girl Week 2020: The Quick and Dirties

Pain & Gain

Directed by Michael Bay.

2013. Rated R, 129 minutes.

Cast:

Mark Wahlberg

Dwayne Johnson

Anthony Mackie

Rebel Wilson

Tony Shalhoub

Ed Harris

Ken Jeong

Rob Corddry

Bar Paly

Michael Rispoli

Daniel Lugo (Wahlberg) knows that you'll never get anywhere in life without going after it, full throttle. He's a personal trainer tired of the dead-end position he holds at the gym where he works. Knowing that he's capable of much more, he talks his way into a better job at Sun Gym which is barely keeping its doors open. Within six weeks, he triples its membership, turning the place into the latest fitness hot spot. He still trains some of the clients himself. One of those people is Victor Kershaw (Shalhoub), a millionaire deli tycoon. Lugo befriends him and then hatches a plan to kidnap and extort him. To carry it out, he recruits his bestest buddy Adrian (Mackey), a body builder trained by Lugo who also happens to be impotent thanks to all the steroids he takes. That's the easy part. The hard part is getting a third party to join in. He manages to convince Paul Doyle (Johnson), an ex-con/body builder who has recently given his life over to Christ, but is in desperate need of income. Since none of the three is a criminal mastermind, things fall apart quickly. Blood and wackiness ensues. Oh, almost forgot, it's based on a true story. Mostly.

I'll just go ahead and say it right off the bat. This film is much better than it has any right to be. Let's keep it real. The first of this post, directed by Michael Bay, doesn't inspire confidence in me. I get a sense of dread when those words flash across the screen. That said, he has made a few movies I enjoy. I thought the first of the Transformers flicks was damn good, and so was The Island. I didn't hate The Rock, either. And sue me, but I'm an apologist for both Bad Boys movies. Ironically, seeing the first Bad Boys is a drawback going into Pain & Gain. That may be because I've seen Bad Boys way too many times, but the two films are way too similar looking. Lots of P&G is shot through the same orange filter. Many of the same establishing shots of the city are used. In fact, he repeats so many it often appears he's using stock footage. Finally, the way he shoots his characters is drenched in the familiar Michael Bay style, lots of low angles with the camera swirling around them. While those things detract from the movie, it's where Bay goes against his own grain that the movie excels. He lets the story breathe, giving us something to contemplate, and thankfully cuts way back on the explosions.

Helping that story sink its teeth into us are three very fun performances from this group of stooges. Lugo is clearly the Moe of this group. He's smarter than they are, but not anywhere near as intelligent as he thinks. The somewhat thoughtful Doyle is our Larry with Adrian stepping into Curly's shoes. Granted, this is a seriously demented version of the comic legends, but they pull off the act nicely. They have a nice chemistry that is glued together by Mackie. His character is a dim bulb that manages to make us laugh nearly every time he speaks. The Rock is also an underrated comic actor, and does fine work here. Of the three, he plays it straightest, giving Doyle an obliviousness that serves the movie well. Wahlberg, also underrated in the funny business, treads similar territory to his work in The Big Hit, Three Kings, and, most recently, 2 Guns. The major difference being that Lugo is easily recognizable as a slug right from the start and is just not likable.

As good as those guys are, the best performance in the movie belongs to Tony Shalhoub as their victim. He's also a disagreeable person. However, being that he's the one kidnapped and tortured we sort of feel for the guy. Sort of. Shalhoub plays it as a sweat soaked ball of slime. Really, it's that bad. Of course, bad means good. He causes a serious conflict in the viewer. We know we should sympathize with him, but he himself is so despicable we have to fight the urge to wish him harm.

We're not sure how we should feel about any of this. This is part of the movie's charm. We see things happen and laugh at them as we are appalled by them. When people get into tight situations, we want them to be punished AND to get away with it. At least early on. As the movie goes on, these people shred the hope that there is anything redeemable about them. This is where some people will be turned off. If you're looking for someone to root for here, you're watching the wrong movie. The two who come closest to fitting that description are Rebel Wilson in a hilarious turn and Ed Harris as our voice of reason. We like her because she's an innocent bystander in this outlandish turn of events. We get behind him because he is the de facto good guy. He's not fleshed out enough for us to really care about him, but we know he wants to see the right thing done.

Pain & Gain is not an easy movie to watch. As mentioned, it's a bunch of stupid and unlikable people doing stupid and unlikable things. Starts off sleazy, and only descends further from there. Much of humor is of the juvenile sort and, thanks to Adrian's impotence, is built upon an endless string of dick jokes. Somehow, in the midst of all this, it gives us a film provokes some thought in us even as we might be recoiling from all the scummy behavior. I'm not trying to tell you this is some high-minded drama worthy of Oscar praise. I will say that it is an enjoyable, if twisted adventure.

MY SCORE: 7/10

The Dellies - 2012 Best Supporting Actress

For this next category, you'll find that this is where I'm probably most divergent from the Academy's thinking. That's mainly because I slid two of the nominees over to the Best Actress category, as I explained in that post, and dropped another out of the running. Hey, I did say these were my awards, right? Anyhoo, on with the show...

2012 Best Supporting Actress

The Real Nominees: Amy Adams (The Master), Sally Field (Lincoln), Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables), Helen Hunt (The Sessions), Jacki Weaver (Silver Linings Playbook)

My Nominees:

Gina Gershon, Killer Joe

Gina Gershon is thoroughly skanky. She's practically the epitome of trailer trash royalty.

Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables

We get a wonderful turn by Anne Hathaway. In just a handful of scenes, she gives us a gut-wrenching few minutes of screen time.

Charlize Theron, Snow White and the Huntsman

She seethes, hisses and vampirically gains strength by literally draining it from others. Like the bloodsucker, she earns both our dread and the pity we reserve for one whose seemingly boundless power is really fueled by a fatal flaw.

Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook

Weaver does an excellent job conveying her character’s raggedness from being pulled to and fro. She tries to do right by everyone and often winds up little more than an enabler.

Rebel Wilson, Pitch Perfect

A sizable share of the movie’s funniest moments are hers. Her timing is rock solid and she has charisma to spare.


Honorable Mention
Samantha Barks, Les Miserables
Ann Dowd, Compliance
Carmen Ejogo, Sparkle
America Ferrera, End of Watch
Maggie Smith, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel


The Real Winner: Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables

And My Winner Is...

Rebel Wilson, Pitch Perfect

This might be the best comedic performance of the last few years including 2011’s Oscar nominated turn by Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids.

Click Here for the Rest of the Dellies!

Bachelorette

Directed by Leslye Headland.

2012. Rated R, 98 minutes.

Cast:

Kirsten Dunst

Lizzy Caplan

Isla Fisher

James Marsden

Rebel Wilson

Paul Corning

Adam Scott

Andrew Rannells

Sue Jean Kim

Kyle Bornheimer

Hayes MacArthur

Becky (Wilson) is getting married tomorrow to the man of her dreams. Naturally, her three bestest high school buddies - Regan (Dunst), Gena (Caplan) and Katie (Fisher) – are in her wedding. Regan is the tightly wound maid-of-honor while the other two are notorious party animals. The bride turns in early to rest up for the big day and disappears from the movie until near the end. If you've been paying attention you've noticed I haven’t even named the man who wins her hand. As in most weddings, mine included, the groom is little more than a prop, so there. Anyhoo, with the other girls left to their own devices they manage to destroy the wedding dress. In the midst of confronting old loves, meeting potential new loves, and overdosing, a mad dash to fix the gown ensues.

Like many movies, Bachelorette isn't winning any awards for originality, either of premise nor execution. Every note is struck precisely on time with nary a surprise to be found anywhere. Yes, this bridesmaid will hook up with that guy. Yes, this will happen and that will too, right when you expect it. Unfortunately, its predictability is pretty much the bright spot. That’s not entirely true. The performance of Lizzy Caplan as Gena is pretty good, better than the material she’s working with. Kirsten Dunst has the flashiest role and gets to rage against the world. She’s no Meryl Streep, but it works.

On the other hand, the movie utterly wastes Rebel Wilson. When you have, arguably, the funniest woman in Hollywood in your cast, you don’t make her play the straight role. You certainly don’t compound the error by sending her to her room while the others go out and play. Even with material as lame and telegraphed as this, her sheer energy would be good for a few more laughs than we actually got. For proof, one needs to look no further than the awful What to Expect When You’re Expecting. She also has a bit part in that catastrophe, but lights up the screen during the brief instances in which she appears. And, since you’re probably thinking it, she absolutely is far and away the best thing about Pitch Perfect. Here, she’s an All-Star riding the bench while the scrubs run up and down the court. Her absence from most of the proceedings reveals a simple truth about Bachelorette. That truth is that the only reason her character is the titular one is because there is already a movie called Bridesmaids.

Ms. Wilson’s role is also at the heart of an even bigger issue with this picture: it’s lack of heart. It thinks it’s funny by using a lot of dirty words and some explicit sex talk. In, and of itself, this is not the issue as there is the occasional laugh to be had from this. The problem is that this is the vehicle through which Bachelorette is incessantly and aggressively mean spirited. The fact that the bride is the butt of many of the jokes is bad, but not totally cringe-worthy by itself. What takes it over the edge is that the movie tries to pass these people off as her friends. They are anything but. We very clearly get the message they let her hang around all these years because she’s not as physically attractive as they are (as per societal norms), is willing to take the fall for their crap, and tolerates it when they call her names. She’s simply someone to blame and make fun of. Therefore, it looks like they only try to get her dress fixed is because they are inexplicably wrong and wish to maintain their access to a good-natured scapegoat, not out of some deep sense of friendship.

Believe it, or not, so much suckiness is thankfully crammed into an hour and a half. However, since I started checking my watch about fifteen minutes in, it feels much much longer. I didn't think the hands of time could move so slowly. It obviously wants to be the aforementioned Bridesmaids, but can’t carry the movie’s sports bra. Truthfully, I think Bridesmaids is overrated, but at least it makes me laugh. I can’t say the same for Bachelorette.

MY SCORE: 2/10

Ice Age: Continental Drift

Directed by Steve Martino and Mike Thurmeier.

2012. Rated PG, 88 minutes.

Cast:                     

Ray Romano

Queen Latifah

Denis Leary

Keke Palmer

Peter Dinklage

John Leguizamo

Jennifer Lopez

Wanda Sykes

Nick Frost

Josh Peck

Simon Pegg

Seann William Scott

Rebel Wilson

Our most beloved prehistoric squirrel, Skrat, has finally gone and done it. His magnificent chase of that ever elusive nut has improbably led him to the Earth’s core. This sets off a chain reaction causing the surface above to split into what we now know as the seven continents. This parting of the land separates woolly mammoth Manny (Romano) from his wife Ellie (Latifah) and their now teenage daughter Peaches (Palmer). He finds himself out to sea on a block of ice with his trusty and familiar cohorts, Diego (Leary), the saber-toothed tiger, and Sid (Leguizamo) the sloth. Also along for the ride is Sid’s grandmother, Granny (Sykes). Manny trying to get back to his family as they try to reach safety ensues. And the squirrel chasing that nut.

To ensure getting the family back together is no easy task, there must be a villain. This one is Captain Gutt (Dinklage), an ape/pirate who runs a scurvy crew. The most important of the bunch is his first-mate Shira (Lopez). She’s a saber-toothed tiger and love interest to Diego. J-Lo handles the character capably. Still, Gutt stands out as a fun bad guy. Dinklage voices him excellently with a mean streak just enough to be a little scary to the youngest viewers. Gutt also provides us some of the movie’s best visuals just by swinging around as apes are wont to do. He also has a bit of magnetism about him. Helping in this regard is the fact that he’d be perfectly at home as the villain in the next Pirates of the Caribbean flick.

Speaking of PotC it is but one of the movies CD pays homage to. Most notable of these is Braveheart as the movie has lots of fun with that. It even makes fun of itself from time to time. Thankfully, it does so in a manner allowing it to avoid becoming self-parody. Just a wink and a nod letting us know it understands that much of what’s happened over the course of the series isn't historically or chronologically accurate.

Liberties with history aside, the main point of these films is to have fun. Of course, the not-so-subtle message in all of them is that we can all get along despite our differences. Even the bad guys are a collection of numerous species cooperating on a task. Once again, the lesson comes through loud and clear. The added layer is our concentration on inter-generational relationships withing the family. It’s nothing groundbreaking but still nicely done.

The Ice Age franchise has found a nice niche for itself. They aren't truly great movies like the Toy Story films, but they’re certainly a cut above most of the dreck passing for children’s entertainment. Each installment, Continental Drift included, is a fun adventure that manages to inject new colorful characters into our cast of familiar faces without upsetting the dynamics. This fits nicely into the canon.

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Directed by Kirk Jones.

2012. Rated PG-13, 110 minutes.
Cast:
Cameron Diaz
Jennifer Lopez
Elizabeth Banks
Brooklyn Decker
Anna Kendrick
Dennis Quaid
Ben Falcone
Rodrigo Santoro
Chris Rock
Rebel Wilson
Thomas Lennon
Wendi McLendon-Covey
Chace Crawford

If you’re eternally optimistic like me, or not, and have children you’d expect to laugh during a movie that bills itself as “laugh out loud funny for any parent!” Trust me, it does. Says so right on the back cover of the DVD, exclamation point included. Sadly, this may be the best joke involved with this movie, even if it is on me. My mother was right. I’m too gullible. She warned you couldn’t always depend on the goodness of Mankind or of advertising geeks who work for movie studios.

Unlike the blurbs occupying real estate on its cover, the title What to Expect When You’re Expecting is accurate. After all, we do meet a handful of women who will very shortly be expecting. By the way, this movie is based on the best-selling advice book of the same name. That probably should’ve been a warning. Anyhoo, we then journey through pregnancy with the soon-to-be mamas. In short order there’s the fitness guru/reality tv star (Diaz), the pregnancy expert who’s never been pregnant (Banks), the photographer who can’t get pregnant (Lopez), the girl who runs a food truck (Kendrick) and the NASCAR trophy-wife (Decker). Other than Banks and Decker, these ladies have nothing to do with each other. Well, almost nothing. At some point, they cross paths with each other in the most brief and contrived ways possible but still don’t get involved in one another’s stories. No, the scene in the pic above never happens.

However unrelated they may be, they do have something in common besides swollen bellies. Not one of them is the least bit funny. Almost none, but we'll get to that. Part of the problem is these women are not all that likeable. They’re self-absorbed mongers whose pregnancies have little to do with the circle of life. Instead of nurturing bundles of joy they seem to be incubating accessories - assets in one’s portfolio or validation of self-worth, and so on. Most galling, one is merely a depressing plot point in a budding romance.

None of the actresses turn in memorable work, either. Elizabeth Banks fares best and is part of the funniest, most heartfelt and oddest scene. Lopez does her best to look constantly forlorn. Diaz’s Jillian Michaels impression is meant to be a hilarious parody but fails miserably at the hilarious part. Finally, Decker seems to be channeling Jaime Pressly making me wonder why they didn’t just get the real thing. For the most part their men blend seamlessly into the background. The normally unexciting Dennis Quaid plays Decker’s husband/racing legend and stands out simply because we’re positive he has a pulse. And yes, since this is a “zany” comedy everyone will go into labor at precisely the same time. Gee, without me you never would’ve guess…who am I kidding? You knew that was a sure bet as soon as the second lady turned up in a family way. I confess, there is one exception. J-Lo literally takes the Angelina Jolie route to family expansion. Even that wraps itself up right on cue. Sigh.

Sideline players fare ever-so-slightly better. Rebel Wilson is mostly just there but elevates the Banks scene I referenced earlier. Wendi McLendon-Covey hits with a few zingers during her limited time on-screen. Most consistently amusing is the group of fathers who walk together in the park, kids in tow, led by Chris Rock and Thomas Lennon. They aren’t “laugh out loud funny for every parent,” but they’re a welcome reprieve from all the hand-wringing and failed humor of the major storylines. None of this is enough to salvage this heap. What to Expect is a classic case of a talented ensemble given nothing to work with and going through the motions.

Pitch Perfect

Directed by Jason Moore.

2012. Rated PG-13, 112 minutes.

Cast:

Anna Kendrick

Brittany Snow

Rebel Wilson

Skylar Astin

Anna Camp

Ben Platt

Adam DeVine

Freddie Stroma

Hana Mae Lee

Alexis Knapp

Ester Dean

Elizabeth Banks

John Michael Higgins

John Benjamin Hickey

Christopher Mintz-Plasse

The Barden Bellas are an all-female competitive acapella group who’ve literally puked away their chances at winning a national championship. When the next school year starts up, the only two returning members are the iron-fisted Aubrey (Camp), who did the puking, and Chloe (Snow) her BFF and kinda, sorta co-leader. They need to recruit a whole new team but are having trouble finding people willing to join. It doesn’t help that the actual champions are the Treblemakers, an all-male group who also attend Barden University. Much to Aubrey’s chagrin, she and Chloe gather a group of misfits from all ethnicities and orientations they have to whip into shape. Among them is Beca (Kendrick), a reluctant college student. She wants to be a DJ, but her dad teaches at the school and is pretty much making her go. Of course, if you’ve only seen the trailers for Pitch Perfect then you know another of the new girls is Fat Amy (Wilson), a rambunctious soul from Tasmania. Lots of singing ensues.

Singing is what the movie does best. A seemingly endless succession of already catchy pop tunes from the 80s forward are given fun re-workings. I’m not sure how many of these would-be idols would make it to Hollywood, but they’re having a grand time with some fun songs. We have little choice but to do the same. It’s rather easy to get caught up in tapping your feet and singing along.

What it also does well is be silly. Here is where Fat Amy comes in. A sizable share of the movie’s funniest moments are hers. Her timing is rock solid and she has charisma to spare. It might be the best comedic performance of the last few years including 2011’s Oscar nominated turn by Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids, a movie Wilson also has a role in. Most of the other funny moments are handled by Adam DeVine as Bumper, the leader of the Treblemakers. If there is one drawback to this pair is that what’s hinted at is never really explored as Bumper rather abruptly disappears from the proceedings. It’s too bad because that may have led to even more hijinks and shenanigans. Whatever funnies those two are not responsible for usually come from Elizabeth Banks and John Michael Higgins as competition commentators.

When other characters try to get in on the laughs, things don’t go so well. The main problem is that the rest of the Bellas are all one dimensional stereotypes. Whatever aspect of themselves we’re first shown of most of the ladies is all there is to them and they act only on those surface traits. For instance, the Japanese girl is a weird mix of traditionally docile housewife and a character from a twisted Asian horror flick, the black lesbian is constantly trying to grope one of the other Bellas and is relentlessly ghetto-butch, the promiscuous girl only expresses herself in overtly (hetero)sexual terms constantly groping herself, and so on.

Another place Pitch Perfect hits sour notes is during time spent on plot development. Whenever our principles aren’t harmonizing and/or going for laughs, the movie just works down the checklist of both rom-com and sports movie clichés (predictable break-up and training montages, for instance). From a character standpoint, Beca is the movie’s focal point. Her daddy issues (I don’t remember ever hearing about mom), musical prowess, battles with Aubrey and budding romance with Jesse (Astin) are all front and center without a surprise anywhere. To be honest, that isn’t even the real issue, though. The problem is how bland our heroine is. The others talk about her like she’s some way out there alt-girl or some kind of rebel threatening the establishment. Having her played by the fresh-faced but not particularly intriguing Anna Kendrick works against those ideas and we never feel Beca will do anything other than what she eventually does. It feels like she’s been modeled after pop star Avril Lavigne, or possibly Pink, but without the edge of either.

Truth told, even with the paint-by-numbers storytelling and the horrible stereotypes Pitch Perfect is a fun flick. It’s strengths provide enough cover for the flaws to keep us patiently waiting on the next musical set. To be on the safe side, we get them everywhere: on the bus, in the shower, at impromptu competitions on campus and, of course, on the stage. This and the wonderful performance of Rebel Wilson keeps us in a good mood most of the way through.

Bridesmaids

Directed by Paul Feig.

2011. Rated R, 125 minutes.
Cast:
Kristen Wiig
Maya Rudolph
Rose Byrne
Melissa McCarthy
Wendi McLendon-Covey
Elle Kemper
Chris O’Dowd
Jon Hamm
Jill Clayburgh
Terry Crews
Rebel Wilson

Annie’s (Wiig) life is in shambles. The bakery she owned recently fell victim to the recession. She loses her job, gets kicked out of her apartment and the man she really likes only uses her for sex. She does get to be a part of something good, though. Her best friend Lillian (Rudolph) is getting married and has asked Annie to be the maid of honor. Things are all hunky dory until she meets rich girl Helen (Byrne), who also happens to be vying for the title of Lillian’s best friend. Competition inspired hijinks and shenanigans ensue.

Bridesmaids is essentially a female version of a raunchy bromance. Think Wedding Crashers for women. Not surprisingly, it suffers from some of the same maladies that afflicted that movie. There are pockets that are outrageously funny and/or gross, but there are also sections that just drag along through the quagmire of rom-com clichés. Of course, Annie meets the sweet guy who is way better for her than the jerk she’s been pining for. Of course the comedy of errors she commits in trying to outdo Helen for Lillian’s friendship causes a big blowup. And of course you already know how this is going to play out.

Like I said, when the jokes come they work. Most of the credit for this should go to the “other” bridesmaids. Chief among them is Megan played by Melissa McCarthy, most recently of Mike and Molly sitcom fame. Her butch-but-hetero portrayal gets the most laughs. When given the room to breathe she, along with Rita (McLendon-Covey) and Becca (Kemper) tend to crack us up. However, they’re marginalized almost to the point of irrelevance. Instead, we get much more of Annie, Lillian and Helen interacting with one another. The problem is they’re all pretty straight-laced. To create hilarity these characters need the zany ones to react to and be affected by. This makes Bridesmaids and uneven watch. We trudge along to the beat of Annie’s pathetic drum until the rest of the gang pops in to make funnies for a few minutes then pops out again leaving us to be with Annie and her problems again.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a bad watch. It’s just not as funny as it should be. The pieces are all there for a truly great comedy. They just seem disadvantageously arranged like those of a chess player exposing her queen way too soon. Even after making this mistake, a skillful player can still do some damage and Bridesmaids does. Within this decent but largely forgettable film lies a couple unforgettable scenes. Most notable being the food poisoning. The whole movie definitely does not need to be that, essentially a vomit and poop fest, but it could certainly stand to ease up on the ‘woe is me’ vibe we get much of the time.

MY SCORE: 6/10