Thursday Movie Picks: Legend/Mythology

31 Days of Horror: Maggie

Proof of a Movie God: The Terminator

The Quick and Dirties: Time For Some Action

Thursday Movie Picks: Movies Featuring Amnesiacs

What day is it?

Oh, that's right, it's Thursday. Yeah, I'm at the age where I'll forget simple stuff like that. Most annoying, I'll walk into a room and stand there like an idiot because I can't remember what I went in there for. My wife swears up and down she's told me things of which I have no recollection whatsoever. I almost forgot to create this post.

Almost.

Luckily, I saw a couple other posts for this week's topic in Wanderer's Thursday Movie Picks meme: Movies Featuring Amnesiacs. In those posts, there were some great movies that I fully intended to pick and, yes, even a movie I'd nearly forgotten about. To check out those posts and get the ins and outs of participating, swing by Wandering Through the Shelves. Use the link, you know, in case you forgot the way. While you're here, check out the movies I've retrieved from the dark corridors of my memory. These aren't exactly hidden gems, so we'll just call them favorites.

Total Recall

(1990)

Douglas Quaid, our hero in Total Recall has some strange, but rather vivid dreams about being on Mars. They're so strong, he goes to a place that specializes in virtual vacations and decides to "go" to the red planet for himself, have a grand adventure with a beautiful woman by his side and get it out of his system. Since things are never as simple as they seem, he might really be on Mars, and it might be true that his memories were actually removed and he really is a secret agent named Hauser. Maybe. How it plays out is perhaps the finest adaptation of any Philip K. Dick writing. Sorry, I hate Blade Runner. Just had to slip that in there. It's certainly one of the best movies of Arnold Schwarzenegger's career. The 2012 remake starring Colin Farrell is okay, but I'd advise checking out this version. (Full Review)

The Long Kiss Goodnight

(1996)

When most people think of Geena Davis, they first think of her driving off a cliff with Susan Sarandon in Thelma and Louise or, perhaps, playing catcher in A League of Their Own. Me? I see her as regular old soccer mom Samantha Caine, who is completely thrown for a loop when some very dangerous people show up trying to kill her. She completely forgot that she was badass super secret agent Charly Baltimore. Bring Samuel L. Jackson along for the ride and we get one of the best action movies ever to have a female protagonist. And she's a lot more fun character than Jason Bourne. Yup, I said that.

Finding Nemo

(2003)

In this case, our amnesiac is not actually the protagonist of the film. She only kinda-sorta qualifies as an amnesiac. She's not even human. However, the movie is so good I can't help but include it. Dory, played wonderfully by Ellen DeGeneres, is a Pacific regal blue tang who suffers from short-term memory loss. She literally can't remember things that just happened. Still, she hangs with our hero Marlin every step of the way in an effort to find his son Nemo. As far as I'm concerned this is one of the great animated movies of all time. And yes, I'm extremely excited that 2016 will bring us Finding Dory.

Click here for more Thursday Movie Picks!

Six Degrees of Separation Blogathon

A few months back, Nostra at My Filmviews started up a blogging relay based on iconic movie characters. It wasn't his first, but it caught on like wildfire. Soon, there were several other copycat relays, including one I started myself. Nostra is back with another relay that he's presenting in association with the Dutch movie blog De Protagonisten, but like the great ones always do, he's managed to kick things up a notch. How so? This relay is actually six different relays all going at once. Yup. Top that, punks.

The concept is based on the age-old six degrees of separation game. Basically, each blogger lucky enough to get passed a baton will have to make the connection between two personalities or entities that have something to do with the movies in six steps or less. For instance, to use the example Nostra used in his original post, let's connect Matt Damon to Arnold Schwarzenegger:

 ...

Step #1: Damon grew up with Ben Affleck.

Step #2: Affleck starred in Changing Lanes with Samuel L. Jackson.

Step #3: Jackson has appeared in a number of movies directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Step #4: Tarantino directed Micheal Keaton in Jackie Brown.

Step #5: Keaton starred in Batman.

Step #6: In Batman and Robin, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Mr. Freeze.

With me, so far? Cool.

The last part of this is the passing of the baton. I'll let Nostra explain this in his own words:

At the end of their post these bloggers will assign it to another blogger and set the endgoal for that blogger. The next blogger will start with the movie/actor/director the previous blogger ended with and make the connection to in six or less steps to the assigned endgoal. Example: Ruth ends with Transformers and set the endgoal to Cary Grant then the next blogger will have to make the connection between the two. Please make sure that you link back to the previous post(s) as this will help your readers follow the blogathon and it will also help your fellow bloggers to some extra readers, which I’m sure you’d agree will help everyone.

Make a connection, use who or whatever you connected as the starting point for the next blogger and randomly pick an end point for that person. Got it.

So, where did I get the baton from? Due to my constant begging, on bended knee no less, Shah at Blank Page Beatdown took pity on me and forked it over. In his post, he was successfully able to link Robert Downey Jr. to The Godfather. His task for me? Connecting The Godfather to Lindsay Lohan.

Boys and girls of all ages, I'm not just going to make the connection. I'm going to do so in record setting fashion.

Step 1:

The first Godfather in the franchise, the one and only Don Vito Corleone was portrayed in Oscar winning fashion by Marlon Brando, however...

Step 2:

...the role was also played a young Robert De Niro in the The Godfather Part II.

Step 3:

Robert De Niro appeared in Machete with Lindsay Lohan.

Looks like my work here is done.

Yyyyyeeeaaahhhh, that's it. Get some.

Oh, almost forgot to pass the baton. I'm going to hand it to John at Hitchcock's World. His task? Connect Lindsay Lohan to Sidney Poitier.

Escape Plan

Directed by Mikael Hafstrom.

2013. Rated R, 115 minutes.

Cast:

Sylvester Stallone

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Jim Caviezel

Faran Tahir

Vincent D'Onofrio

Amy Ryan

Vinnie Jones

Sam Neill

Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson

Caitriona Balfe

We meet Ray Breslin (Stallone) just in time to see him escape from a maximum security prison. Then we find out that this is his job. He runs a company that literally puts max security institutions to the test. The people who run these places hire him to go inside undercover as a prisoner and try to break out. He always does. It's made him a legend in "the industry." Yeah, apparently there is an industry and he is a legend in it. Um, yeah. It's an industry built on a pretty poor business model, if you ask me. Our boy Ray has three other employees, but none of them ever go inside even though jobs take months, maybe even a year to complete. On top of that, its dependent of the institutions that hire him, presumably all part of the public sector, having to come up with a couple million bucks to pay him. Since this is a movie, I suppose we have to let all that slide. Anyhoo, the CIA soon comes calling with an extra special job for our hero. They want him to break out of a place that's not only maximum security, but so "top secret" that they won't even tell him where it is. The inmates there are so dangerous none of them has been afforded due process. Various governments from around the world just snatched them off the streets and shipped them here. These guys are not allowed any contact with the outside world whatsoever. Ray will be treated accordingly.

As action flick set-ups go, this one is totally ludicrous, but interesting. Once we hear what this job entails, our wheels immediately start turning. Where could they be taking him? How is his team going to help him? Lastly, with such bad guys around, will Ray even survive long enough to try an escape? Okay, we know the answer to that last one. Still, we ask the question. That's good. It helps us get engaged in the movie. This isn't The Godfather, or anything, but we're interested. It helps tremendously that throughout the movie, the story manages to maintain a sense of impossibility to the task at hand. We really do feel for our hero when he finds out where he is.

Another thing that helps keep us entertained is Sly's larger than life co-star, Arnold Schwarzenegger. While never known as a great thespian, Arnie's been a movie star for most of my life. For those of us who grew up during the 80s and 90s, having him in a movie with Stallone is something we clamored for, but never thought we would actually see. That it comes all these years later adds to the film's charm. Back then, the debate among action lovin' boys was over which was better. If you argued in Schwarzenegger's favor, you certainly weren't celebrating his acting skills. So, what is it about him that made him such a huge star? There were plenty of other big brawny dudes out there saving the world. What sets him apart is his amazing screen presence. It is on full display in Escape Plan. He simply dominates the screen, no matter who else is on it, Stallone included. He's also completely comfortable in his own skin, nowadays, which has made him a better actor. He says everything with a hint of humor and understands that's how it should be. He delivers one of those bound to be underappreciated performances. I really enjoyed him here, but I know people will dismiss his work because of who he is.

As the movie goes on, however, it gets mired in action flick cliches. Of course, there's an evil warden, rival factions, and money-grubbin' turncoats. All of them go through pretty standard storylines. There is alos the predictable hand wringing of Sly's cohorts as they work feverishly from the outside to help their boss. By working feverishly, I mean verbally accosting the one person we know is guilty, over and over again. This portion of film includes a bland performance by Amy Ryan and a poor one from 50 Cent. What's worse is that as clear as it is what's going on just based on the events occurring, someone will always be along to explain it to you. Additionally, there's the problem of trying to make a bunch of guys labeled as the most dangerous in the world into a lovable band of misfits. We're told repeatedly how bad these people were in the outside world, therefore, it's hard to build up much sympathy for them.

Overall, Escape Plan is fun as it plucks along. The action, while not exceptionally frequent, works. Among the treats is the long awaited fight scene between Arnie and Sly. It's at least twenty-five years late, but I'll take it. Kudos to Stallone, by the way, for looking less like a botox monster than he has recently. He performs exactly like we'd expect so no surprises, there. The rest of the cast? A number of the performances are hammy, but work within the framework of the movie. Plus, Schwarzenegger is a blast to watch. On the downside, it wastes the good will it builds early in the picture by failing to escape genre restrictions.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

Top 10 Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies

In the last couple of days, we've reviewed Arnie's last stand...er...movie, and his very first. There are lots and lots of them in between. As you probably know, he was the biggest movie star in the world through much of the 80s and 90s. He was still making hits in the 2000s, until he took a side job as governor of California. No, he was never confused with _______ (insert the name of any Oscar-winning actor), but he made big action flicks that people flocked to. In my very humble opinion, these are...

The Governator's Top 10 Movies

10. Commando

(1985)

This is just pure, unadulterated, over-the-top stupidity and I love every minute of it. Arnie's in rare form and wipes out so many bad guys you lose count. This time he's trying to track down the people who have kidnapped his daughter (played by a very young Alyssa Milano) in an effort to blackmail him into doing "a job." I'll be damned if they didn't mess with the wrong dude. Cheesy mayhem that's somehow both homo-erotic and homophobic ensues. Early on, after Arnie has just killed one of the bad guys (played by David Patrick Kelly) by dropping him off a cliff, Rae Dawn Chong asks him "What happened Sully?" In a movie that is unbelievably filled to the brim with them, his response is...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: I let him go.

9. Last Action Hero

(1993)

Here, Arnie plays larger than life action star Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hmmm. In this world, Mr. Schwarzenegger's most famous character is super-cop Jack Slater. When little Danny wins a magic ticket, he gets transported to the chocolate factory, I mean, into the surreal world of Jack Slater. From here we get Arnie spoofing himself. Genius. As I've heard it put, those who hate this movie just don't get the joke. After Arnie/Slater fires shots into a closed closet door and a dead bad guy comes rolling out, little Danny asks "How'd you know there was someone in there?" Arnie's reply is, of course,...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: There's always someone in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.

(Okay, that's a two-liner. Just roll with it.)

8. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

(2003)

I know. You probably hate this movie. Truth being told, the first time I watched this, I went in dreading it. Much to my surprise, I really liked the T-800's final hurrah. I know, a reprogrammed T-850 Model 101, if you want to be technical. Here, Arnie has to fight the T-X (played by Kristanna Loken), easily the most attractive Terminator of them all. Unfortunately, she's also the most vicious. The feeling of pending doom continues to hangs over the movie and really fits the franchise well. This one's a little light on wit, but after finally killing the T-X, old Arnie drops...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: You are terminated.

7. Conan the Barbarian

(1982)

Ah, Arnie's first starring role in a major feature. That is, except for Hercules in New York, if you can call that major. At the time it came out, it was one of the best comic-book adaptations Hollywood had done. It also sparked about a five year stretch of B-grade fantasy movies hitting the big screen, including its own horrible sequel Conan the Destroyer and even worse spin-off Red Sonja. in which Arnie made a cameo. Wisely, the big guy wasn't given a ton of dialogue but he does point to his sword and give us this gem for...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: This you can trust.

6. The Running Man

(1987)

Arnie takes on the best ever host of "The Family Feud". Sorry, Steve Harvey. After being framed for killing a bunch of innocent people, Arnie and his cronies from jail are forced to compete in a to-the-death reality show with Richard Dawson as its host. I swear it looks like TV is really headed down this path. One of the "Stalkers" sent in to kill Arnie has a chainsaw. Our hero overpowers the guy, runs the saw up his groin, pretty much cutting him in half. When he returns to his crew, Amber, the lone lady, asks "What happened to Buzzsaw?" Yeah, his answer is definitely...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: He had to split.

5. Predator

(1987)

A team of Army commandos, led by Arnie go on a mission in a Central American jungle. They soon find out they are being hunted by an extra-terrestrial being who is nearly invisible. Way too many sequels and spin-offs later, you know the rest. Therefore, I'll only give one other detail. Carl Weather's severed arm lying on the ground squeezing off rounds from the M-16 it's still holding might be one of the best visuals in movie history. And I'm not even kidding. One other periphery, but mind-boggling fact: this is one of two Arnie movies released in 1987 (#6 is the other) that features two future U.S. governors, he and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. There's no way any of us could've guessed that. Anyhoo, even if you haven't seen it, you can probably guess...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: You're one ugly mother...!

4. True Lies

(1994)

Arnie and pal Tom Arnie...Arnold...are secret agents. Arnie's wife, played by a still gorgeous Jamie Lee Curtis, has no idea what he really does for a living. We get an action-packed and comedic affair. As a side-note, this is directed by the man who's helmed a few of the movies on this list, James Cameron. In true Cameron fashion, this was one of the first movies to ever cost as much $100 million to make. That's not what makes it good. Personally, I think this is Arnie's best acting job. He's really life-like. Okay, that's a bit harsh. He really is good, here, and very funny. Still, he's upstaged a bit by his leading lady. The scene of her stripping is both the sexiest and funniest scene in the film. Not to be completely outclassed, Arnie has some great moments of his own. When the bad guy is hanging off a harrier missile that Arnie fires, our hero then inspires Donald Trump when he gives us...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: You're fired.

3. Terminator 2: Judgment Day

(1991)

The T-800 is back, this time to protect John Connor, the future leader of the human resistance. At the time, it was arguably the biggest special fx spectacle ever made. Again, James Cameron is to thank. Loads of action and the continuance of a great story make it memorable. The impressive T-1000, a liquid metal shape shifting Terminator played by Robert Patrick, makes us wonder how Arnie's gonna pull this one off. It won an armful of technical Oscars and is so adored that many of you reading this probably have this as your top Arnie flick. And I haven't even mentioned that Linda Hamilton got really buff for her role, played Sarah Connor completely opposite to the way she did the first time around and is just as believable. Anyhoo, the whole movie builds up to Arnie saying one line,...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: Hasta la vista, baby.

2. Total Recall

(1990)

This is probably the most complex of all of Arnie's movies. Not that that's a difficult task, but...forget it. Let's move on. Realizing he needs a little R&R, Arnie takes a virtual vacation to the planet Mars. This isn't just any vacation. He gets to choose what type of story he wants to play out during his "time away." Of course, he chooses a secret agent theme. From there, we get loads of twists along with the special fx and action. And, of course, there is the iconic shot of the lady with three boobs. Back in the real world, we think, Arnie gets the upper-hand during a fist fight with his not-so-loving wife, played by Sharon Stone, who is actually trying to kill him. She begs him not to take her out, finishing her plea with "After all, we're married." Simultaneously, she reaches for her gun, but Arnie pumps one in her first and drops...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: Consider that a divorce.

1. The Terminator

(1984)

Arnie's greatest movie is the one where he's the bad guy. As the T-800, he is sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor, played by Linda Hamilton, before she can give birth to the leader of the human resistance, John Connor. He just causes all sorts of mayhem and doesn't say much. The way it's supposed to be. On one of those rare occasions when he does talk, he gives us something iconic,...

The Movie's Best One-Liner: I'll be back.



Arnie in Commando, suiting up. Does he have enough ammo?:

Yeah, sorry, I'm not a fan of any of his straight-forward comedies.

Hercules in New York

Directed by Arthur Seidelman.

1969. Rated G, 92 minutes.

Cast:

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold Stang

Deborah Loomis

Ernest Graves

James Karen

Tony Carroll

Taina Elg

Richard Herd

Tanny McDonald

Harold Burstein

When Hercules (Schwarzenegger) becomes bored with Mt. Olympus, he decides he wants to visit Earth and have a little fun. This little revelation comes much to the chagrin of Hercules' dad Zeus (Graves). Argue, argue, fuss, fuss, and Zeus gets pissed and sends Herc to Earth anyway. Okay, fine. Our hero lands in the middle of the ocean where he's picked up by a naval ship headed to New York. In the Big Apple, he meets a pencil necked geek named Pretzie (Stang) who helps him become a big-time professional wrestler. Of course, he also meets a girl. Her name is Helen (Loomis). For all of the movie, our hero exhibits all the intelligence of a stack of bricks with the subtlety of said bricks cracking you upside the head. Even so, he's suddenly a smooth talker when she's around. No surprise there. Anyhoo, Pretzie gets mixed up with some gangsters over Herc's athletic pursuits. Meanwhile, Zeus and the rest of the gods are keeping a watchful eye and deciding how to deal with him. All things hilariously rotten ensue.

What do I mean by hilariously rotten? For starters, most things meant to be funny aren't while most things meant to be serious are funny. A number of things happen that are just too ridiculous for words and its lack of budget is noticeable throughout. On top of that, our cast is not quite Oscar quality, to put it delicately. Almost everyone sounds as if they're reading their lines. Arnie's co-star, Arnold Stang is an exception, but his character is just too annoying to build on that capital. One of the minor players who went on to a long career is James Karen. His list of credits is longer than my legs. I'm sure you've seen him in something. Arnie's leading lady, Deborah Loomis, is pretty. As for her acting, she's pretty. Of course, there's Ah-nuld himself. Yeah, I'm going to need to start a new paragraph for him.

This is The Governator's first acting role, eight years before the documentary Pumping Iron and thirteen before his next starring gig as the lead in Conan the Barbarian. It's so far back, he didn't even use his real name. He's listed in the credits as Arnold Strong. True Story. His accent was still so thick that when Hercules in New York was originally released, his voice had been dubbed over by another actor's. Thankfully, I got to hear it in all its Austrian glory as the original track has been restored on the DVD. I understand why they dubbed it in the first place. I could've used some subtitles from time to time. That he has the accent is something he couldn't help, but not something I knock him for. What I do have to point out is that even if his diction were perfect his performance would still be painful to watch. His facial expression almost never changes to the point where it makes Kristen Stewart seem overly animated. Then, he delivers every line as flatly as possible.

Even Arnie's fight scenes leave a lot to be desired. Not yet the man who would rule the box office during my youth, he just lumbers through them with all the grace of a toddler's first step. He's not helped by what I'll generously call a lack of creative choreography and the camera being entirely too close. Then again, it has to be in one scene where the filmmakers are hopelessly trying to disguise the fact that the bear Arnie is fighting is a man in a suit. Even I couldn't tell that by looking at him, the fact he walks like a monkey is a dead giveaway. I'm not joking. Well, at least he always shines when the plot calls for him to take off and flex. By the way, this happens on a number of occasions. After having seen almost all of his other movies, HNY gives me new appreciation for just how far he has come as an actor.

The bottom line is that this is campy and cheesy, both with capital Cs. Better yet, scratch those. This is just plain goofy. As noted, Arnie's is beyond awful, the cast around him isn't all that much better and the script is atrocious. But here's the thing: it's so ridiculous and there are so many unintentional laughs to be had that it's just damn fun to watch.

Normally, I don't do clips but I couldn't resist this one. This scene contains the best acting in the entire movie. for Arnie, he gets to do what he does best: get topless and flex. For Deborah Loomis, it might be the first time she's ever been that close to so much half-naked man and may have been genuinely turned on. Yes, the whole thing is just that silly.

Okay, let's wrap this up. If you've been here before, and you've been paying attention, you know where I'm going with this. It's so bad, it's awesome!

The Last Stand

Directed by Kim Jee-Woon.

2013. Rated R, 107 minutes.

Cast:

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Forest Whitaker

Rodrigo Santoro

Eduardo Noriega

Genesis Rodriguez

Johnny Knoxville

Jaimie Alexander

Peter Stormare

Zach Gilford

Christiana Leucas

Once upon a time, the release of an Arnold Schwarzenegger flick meant I was spending a Friday or Saturday in a crowded theater inhaling popcorn while the guy with the thick accent flexed muscles I didn't even know existed, kicked all sorts of ass, and dropped some of the corniest/funniest one-liners ever barked by a monosyllabic action hero. If you had told me that he would eventually go on hiatus from movie making to become governor of California, I would've shunned you for violating the number one commandment of First Lady Nancy Reagan and obviously not just saying no. Google it, if you must. I’m in no mood to explain the jokes, youngster.

Anyhoo, in his first starring role since leaving office, The Governator picks up right where he left off. Sorta. He plays the sheriff of an Arizona town that borders Mexico. By the way, every time I have to type the word ‘sheriff’ I have to spell check it. I can never remember if there are two Rs, or two Fs, neither, or both. This is funny, to me at least, for two reasons. The first is that I won my sixth grade school spelling bee, placed sixth in the district bee so I wasn't that many steps from horribly butchering some word of Latin origin (or Greek, or Russian, or Japanese, etc.) on national TV. Wait a sec, the national spelling bee wasn't televised back then. I don’t think. Whew, that was close (not really). The second reason I find this humorous is because I never ever have to check how to spell Schwarzenegger. Never. You could wake me from a dead sleep after a long night of binge drinking and I wouldn't miss a letter. Not one. S-C-H-W-A-R-Z-E-N-E-G-G-E-R.

Oh, where are my manners? You’re here about a movie, right?

Let’s talk about this Arizona town Ah-nuld protects. It’s one of those rinky dink places where much of the population is of retirement age and everyone is on a first name basis with everyone else. The police almost never see any action. In fact, the most exciting thing we see them do early on is take target practice with the local nut-job played by Johnny Knoxville with an overly phallic handgun. By them, I mean almost the entire force. This includes the T-800, Deputy Mike (Guzman) and Deputy Jerry (Gilford). There is also Deputy Sarah (Alexander) who is back at the office missing out on all the fun.. By the way, Deputy Jerry makes plans for the very near future which Conan the Barbarian is more than happy to help him with. Poor guy. If you don’t understand what I’m saying, imagine that he’s in his sixties and retiring in two weeks. If you still don’t get it you've obviously never seen an action movie before.

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, the feds are transporting Cortez (Noriega), a dangerous Mexican cartel boss from one institution to another. If you guessed he would make a daring escape thanks to his private army and head right for Terminatorville in hopes of crossing the border, give yourself a cookie. Take two if you guessed he’d be driving a suped up Corvette at 200 miles per hour for most of the movie. From there? Wow. Just. Wow.

What does wow mean? It means that on top of the normal action flick ridiculousness I was totally ready for, I got an unexpected trip back to the land of low budget 70s movies. Think about those old pictures, or go watch some if you haven’t. Take note of how many times you can clearly see the stunt-person. Believe it, or not, we get that here. My apologies to anyone involved in the making of this film if I’m incorrect. However, there a few occasions when I looked at the screen and couldn't help but say aloud “That’s not Arnie!” I even had to change the noun once or twice to Luis Guzman. Hilarious.

Now we can add the action itself. I did say it’s ridiculous, didn't I? It’s actually a bit beyond that, particularly with regards to the Corvette our bad guy whips around in. This thing is apparently a supercharged mini-tank. Were the Fast & Furious folks on this dedicated team of auteurs? Even with that, our zany mixture is not complete. Stir in Forest Whitaker, as the head fed, chewing every bit of scenery he could find, a blatant but still lackluster romance between our lady cop and a deputized prisoner, Johnny Knoxville going full-on gun-happy imbecile, and Commando dropping one-liners (sometimes one-worders) and I just can’t keep from laughing giddily throughout. Once again, my immune system fails me in the face of unabashed cinematic crap. This is so bad it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

Total Recall (1990)

 

Directed by Paul Verhoeven.

1990. Rated R, 113 minutes.

Cast:

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Rachel Ticotin

Sharon Stone

Ronny Cox

Michael Ironside

Marshall Bell

Mel Johnson Jr.

Michael Champion

Ray Baker

Rosemary Dunsmore

Roy Brocksmith

Douglas Quaid (Schwarzenegger) is a construction worker who shares his life with Lori (Stone), his beautiful wife. Things are going great except for one thing: every night he has dreams of being on Mars that include some violent adventures and a lovely brunette. He then spends much of his day thinking of going to the red planet. Soon, he decides to go to Rekall. They’re a company specializing in the fabrication of vacations by injecting you with stuff that makes you believe you've actually been wherever it is you want to go without you ever leaving their offices. Of course, things don’t go so smoothly for our hero and what they give him doesn't seen to take. Nevertheless, his co-worker from the construction job and even his wife are suddenly trying to kill him. Sure enough, the authorities are trying to do the same. He gets some help from a stranger who advises him to get to Mars ASAP. Still not sure of what’s going on, he does. When he gets there he discovers the authorities there are also after him and even the locals hate him. They all think he’s some guy named Hauser. Lots of mayhem ensues while Doug tries to figure out what’s going on and we try to figure out if what we’re seeing is real or part of Doug’s Rekall experience.

Total Recall weaves a tale complex enough for thinking viewers yet still simple enough for the shoot ‘em up crowd. The action scenes come at fairly quick intervals while the plot between them twists and folds back on itself. It is of labyrinthine design and precise execution. The maze we travel is fun, not frustrating even if we're not always positive of what we’re watching. It is that rare popcorn flick that manages to both entertain the masses and screw with their heads.

Never known as a master thespian, star Arnold Schwarzenegger gives what is arguably his best performance. For a change, he goes beyond grunts and one-liners to give us something resembling a real human being. It’s also the only one of his better portrayals from before he became a parody of himself. Of course, the action sequences come natural to him so no worries there. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting he should’ve been recognized by the Academy, or anything. I’m simply saying he’s better than usual.

As with any older sci-fi flicks, how well the fx have held up is a concern. The mutants are all marvels of the grotesque. Occasionally, it is too apparent that something is a prosthetic or is just a bit hokey looking. Thankfully, this doesn't happen too often. In fact, I’d say there are just as many occurrences of things that still look really good.

Looking back through Arnie’s filmography hindsight makes it clear this is one of his most ambitious movies. It is not content to simply let him beat up a bunch of people and crack lame jokes. There are a couple of corny moments, but TR actually challenges us. The trick is that it does so without going over our heads, but still giving us enough to keep us locked in. For my money, it’s his best aside from the original Terminator.

MY SCORE: 8.5/10

The Expendables 2

Directed by Simon West.

2012. Rated R, 103 minutes.

Cast:

Sylvester Stallone

Jason Statham

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Bruce Willis

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Chuck Norris

Nan Yu

Dolph Lundgren

Jet Li

Terry Crews

Randy Couture

Charisma Carpenter

Everything goes boom. There’s really not much more description or explanation needed. This is a movie simply about everything going boom and the guys we love to watch make stuff go boom making stuff go boom. We have plenty of holdovers from the original. Since he’s the creator of both of these homages to the 1980s, Sylvester Stallone once again plays our fearless leader. Joining him again are current action king Jason Statham, former straight-to-video action king Dolph Lundgren, martial arts legend Jet Li, Terry Crews and Randy Couture. Expanding their cameos from the first flick are The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mr. Die Hard himself, Bruce Willis. Also joining in on the fun are “the muscles from Brussels” Jean-Claude Van Damme and the man who doesn’t do push-ups but instead pushes the Earth down, Chuck Norris.

How the hell didn’t this movie not have a part for Steven Segal? Well, he possibly ate himself out of a role. And again, no Carl Weathers? Did Ivan Drago…ahem…Dolph Lundgren really kill him during that boxing match where James Brown performed “Living in America?” Woo. Good Gawd. Jump back. Kiss myself! Hey! May the Godfather of Soul rest in peace. Sorry. Got off track for a moment.

There is the basic construct of a story here. As you may recall from the original, Sly and the guys whose names I dropped in the first group are kinda, sorta like The A-Team. By the way, since another major draw is our familiarity with and nostalgia for the actual actors and their past work, we won’t be using any character names here. The youngest guy on the squad decides the life of a merc is not for him. . He’ll finish out the month then go home to settle down with his girl and raise a family. If you don’t know how that works out in action flicks, think of him this way: in another movie he’d be a cop with only a few weeks until retirement. In other words, he’ll need to be avenged. He meets his fate during a mission the boys get sent on by Bruce Willis. They don’t want to do it, but Sly owes Bruce a solid. Their job is to grab hold of a thingamajig from the wreckage of a downed plane and bring it back. Of course, that doesn’t go as planned since Van Damme and his evil cronies show up to get their grubby little paws on it. Yes, Van Damme is a villain. He’s a pretty good one, in fact. Anyhoo, that’s about as specific as I’m going to get. From there, our heroes trying to retrieve the thingamajig and avenge their fallen brethren ensues.

The Expendables 2 is a dumb, fun action flick sure to give your surround sound system a workout. It’s even better than its predecessor because there’s not nearly as much downtime so we can get to know the boys. They all pop in, shoot stuff and/or fight while either themselves or someone else makes a reference to one of their old movies, or their persona in general, as a joke. For instance, a large percentage of Arnie’s dialogue is made up of him telling whoever is within earshot “I’ll be back.” You should understand this to mean this flick takes itself even less seriously than its predecessor and is therefore closer to what I thought that movie would be. Without question, this is a “turn your brain off” experience starring a group of guys who made a pretty good living making stuff go boom. In other words, it's so bad it's awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

Ranking the Batman Movies: #16

16. Batman & Robin

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Batman…George Clooney

Robin…Chris O’Donnell

Alfred…Michael Gough

James Gordon…Pat Hingle

Batgirl…Alicia Silverstone

Mr. Freeze…Arnold Schwarzenegger

Poison Ivy…Uma Thurman

If ever there were an easy pick for the worst of anything, this is it. It’s so beyond terrible you have to see it to believe it. The script is one painfully unfunny pun after another. Way too many of these were coldness related and grunted by Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze. We’re talking riveting dialogue like “Let’s kick some ice!” Or, ahem, in Arnie’s voice: “Les keek sohm iiiiicccee!!!” Somehow, his is both the best and worst performance in the movie. And this is a cast that includes George Clooney. I’m a fan of the guy, but Batman? Doesn’t even sound right, does it? Robin is grown but has the dialogue of a 12 year old. Batgirl is introduced solely for the purpose of having a fist fight with Poison Ivy who is played poorly by Uma Thurman. Gotham City is depicted as a garish collection of oversized statues and neon lights. The movies tries desperately to recapture the magic of the old Adam West show and build on the mediocrity of Schumacher’s prior Bat-flick (more on that later), but fails miserably at both. Instead of being a campy fun ride, it will forever be remembered for giving us nipples on the Batsuit. Let’s not forget about those ginormous codpieces, either. Maybe Batman and his faithful ward really are…nevermind.