The Quick and Dirties: When Netflix Attacks, Vol. 4

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but here I am trying to make sense of the questionable choices I made while scrolling through Netflix. Some worked out for me, but others, not so much. Let's see how this went.

Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile

(2019)

Single mom Liz (Lily Collins) who lives in Seattle, Washington, is talked into a night on the town by one of her friends because she's been out of circulation for a while. As luck would have it, a charming guy sweeps her off her feet and the two begin what seems to be an idyllic relationship. Her beau's name is Ted Bundy (Zac Efron). Soon enough, young women start disappearing from around the city. Women also begin vanishing from areas he's traveled to. When he's arrested, Liz is conflicted about whether she believes his incessant proclamations of innocence or that he's the monster everyone says he is. This is based on a true story. Liz's internal conflict provides the film's narrative thrust. It works hard to be as vague about Al Bundy's extracurricular activities as possible so that we may understand how Liz feels. Our empathy lies with her as we imagine what it must be like to find out the person we love is accused of multiple murders. When focused on her, the movie is appropriately heavy as his arrest, trials, and her own emotions loom over her like a black cloud on the verge of bursting. The film falters in its handling of Bundy. Not being upfront about the atrocities he's committed, allows him to play up the possibility that he's been wrongfully accused. This gives a heroic sheen to his daring escapes from custody, courtroom grandstanding, and of course vehement denials. There's even a whimsy to it all. It might work if most people pressing play didn't already know that Ted Bundy is one of the most notorious serial killers of all time. But we do. Excluding his crimes until very late in the proceedings, for an undeniably harrowing climax, maybe the most tactful route to take. However, the movie borders on approving of its antagonist. None of this, by the way, falls at the feet of Zac Efron. He gives a career-best performance. Lily Collins is nearly as good as Liz. She is matched by Kaya Scodelario, who plays Carole, another woman under Bundy's spell. We also have John Malkovich in an uncharacteristically understated turn as the judge. Though Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile lacks the punch to live up to its title it's an engaging watch. We're entertained, sympathetic, and appalled at various times. Unfortunately, while the film never bores, and is a good movie, it adds up to something just a little bit less than the sum of its parts.

Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween

(2018)

Sonny (Jeremy Ray Taylor) and Sam (Caleel Harris) are bestest middle school buddies gearing up for Halloween like everyone else in town. They are also dealing with some bullies, a nagging mom (Wendi Mclendon-Covey), and an older sister (Madison Iseman) who has boy problems. Lo and behold, the boys get their hands on a ventriloquist's dummy named Slappy (voiced by Mike Wingert) and discover he's a fully sentient being. They think he's the answer to all their problems until they realize he's also a jealous, murderous chap with an evil agenda. Since he can make inanimate objects come to life, the town is soon overrun by monsters that used to be Halloween decorations, or something. The movie blows through its set up way too fast for us to give a crap about what's happening to all the stock characters darting about the screen. From there, it's a non-Stop CGI action fest, so young'ns might love it. However, if you bother thinking for even one second, it all falls apart in the most unforgivable ways. For instance, our heroes have the thing they need to end this movie as quickly as an episode of a network sitcom, and knew how to use it, yet they repeatedly do the dumbest things with it, or do nothing at all with it, simply for the sake of padding the run time. All the charm of the first movie is relegated to the sidelines with Jack Black, who only gets an extended cameo. Instead, we are force-fed multiple doses of Ken Jeong being is unfunny as possible as the neighbor with the most ridiculous Halloween decorations possible just so we can have lots of monsters. Seriously, this movie needs more Jack Black. That's tough for me to say since I am far from his biggest fan. Anyhoo, Goosebumps 2 purports to be an adventure about friendship and family, but it's really noisy and soulless. It's lone redeeming quality is the gummy bear scene. I'm reluctant to even give it credit for that because I find those things naturally creepy and have no use for them at all. Yes, I just said gummy bears are terrible and so is this movie.

Next Gen

(2018)

When Mai (Charlene Yi) was really young, her dad left the family and never came back after losing his job. In the years following, her mom Molly (Constance Wu) has become completely enamored with robots, perhaps as a coping mechanism. Molly is so into them, Mai has become resentful of them as a teenager. When Molly drags her off to IQ Robotics headquarters, Megan's bored, annoyed, and wanders off. When she does, she stumbles upon the secret attack robot company CEO Justin Pin (Jason Sudeikis) plans on using to take over everything, called only 7723 (John Krasinski). She accidentally activates it, it follows her home, and she can't get rid of it. Of course, evil corporate dude is out to get his robot back for obvious reasons. This movie is heavily influenced by Terminator 2: Judgement Day, and/or more recently, A-X-L. In quality, Next Gen sits happily between those two movies. It's not nearly as good as T2, but far better than A-X-L. It works first because Mai feels like a real teenager coping with real issues. I don't mean her hatred of robots, but the disconnect between her and her mother, the gaping hole left by her father's absence, and yes, bullies. We ache for her right from the start. The second reason Next Gen works is because we buy into the growing friendship between she and 7723. There is so much heart in the film's execution that it rises above its often rehashed plot to become a delightful and heartfelt watch.

Alien Warfare 

(2019)

A team of Navy SEALs is sent to a top-secret research lab, but not told why. When they arrive, they discover that all but one person has been killed. They also find some strange floating device that's apparently responsible for the piles of ashes all over the facility that used to be people. The lone survivor, we'll call her Dr. Hottie, informs the boys that this thing is not from Earth. And wouldn't ya know it? An elite team of soldiers from wherever this thing is from have come to our lovely little planet to retrieve it. Silliness and bad movie making ensues. Some of the issues can be chalked up to budgetary constraints like poor special effects, cheaply costumed aliens, and to a degree, terrible acting. What's inexcusable is the horrible writing combined with inept directing. The script continuously has people doing things that make no sense. Dialogue comes in three forms: expository, stereotypical things said by the black guy, and expository things said in a stereotypical manner by the black guy. The director seems to have taken whatever was on the page as gospel truth because he lets it all ride by putting his film together with no more artistic vision than mimicking things he's seen in other, better movies. It just undermines what's actually a pretty good premise. Still, the biggest sin of Alien Warfare is that it never reaches that enjoyable level of awfulness. This is the type of movie that makes your eyes roll so hard they slam into your skull and cause a splitting headache.

Capture the Flag

(2015)

Mike Goldwing (Lorraine Pilkington) is a 12 year old boy who happens to be the son of one astronaut, Scott (Adam James) and the grandson of another, Frank (Paul Kelleher). Unfortunately, dad and granddad don't speak. However they're soon forced together because NASA is in a mad dash to get back to the moon. They're rushing because of eccentric billionaire Richard Carson III (Sam Fink). He's one of those people who claims the original moon landings were a hoax. He's planning to go there himself and prove there is no American flag planted there. His real motivations are more nefarious. If there is an American flag there, he will destroy it. What's more, he plans on claiming the moon's natural resources for himself and using them for further economic gains. This is one of those movies that doesn't do anything to stand out, good or bad. The animation is fine. The story is fine. The voice acting is fine. The message about the importance of family is fine. It's a perfectly acceptable time passer for the little ones. They'll like it, but probably won't go crazy for it.

Close

(2019)

Sam (Noomi Rapace) is a hard-boiled expert in counter-terrorism with some personal issues. Though it's not her normal thing, she takes a job as a bodyguard for Zoe (Sophie Nelisse), a bratty heiress who has inherited the lion's share of her father's massive company. It's supposed to be a simple 24-hour gig. Since things can't be easy, not with all that money on the line, some really bad guys making an attempt on Zoe's life. Sam saves her, and because she has a heart of gold, the two go on the run. Although nothing new happens under this particular sun, Rapace, enabled by writer/director Vicky Jewson, sure makes it a fun ride. Her character is cold and calculated, but the story and the actress handle her well enough that we managed to get closer than the arm's-length at which she tries to keep everyone. We may not develop any deep emotions but it's enough to make us care. The action scenes are also well done. They're brutal and never too far apart. The film somehow squeezes all this into a tight 95 minutes without feeling rushed. It's just a solid action flick, top to bottom.

Darc

(2018)

We meet Darc as a little boy, played by Chance Hurstfield, who is the son of a prostitute who turns tricks for the Yakuza. One night, one of the more sadistic members of the organization kills Mom right in front of him. Fast forward some years, Darc, now played by Tony Schiena, is an adult and just being released from prison for what we can only assume is general badassery. We quickly find out his release was early and hooked up by an Interpol agent named Lafique (Armand Assante), whose daughter has been kidnapped by the same prick that killed Darc's mom. If you guess that Lafique is sending Darc undercover to infiltrate the Yakuza and rescue his daughter, you'd be right. You would also be right if you said Darc has revenge on his mind. No extra points for guessing that he is the baddest mofo low-down 'round this town with a gun, sword, whatever. Action, lots of action ensues. I gave you the plot summary, and that's as interesting as it gets. Not a whole lot is done with it, even though opportunities to do so are plenty. If nothing else, we could have made it a little more difficult for him to get into the Yakuza. After all, he is a white dude trying to get into an exceedingly tight and unapologetically Japanese organization, but who cares? It's all about action in this neck of Netflix. The movie delivers on that front. With its shoddy script, leading man who isn't blowing anyone away with his acting, who penned said script, and focus on fisticuffs and shootouts, it's a throwback to 80s action flicks. In that way, it works. Darc is a fun beat-em-up as long as you do the proverbial turning off of the brain.

The Hard Way

(2019)

Payne (Michael Jai White) is a former soldier who owns a bar in New York City, and is trying to put fighting in his past. However, when he finds out his brother died on a mission in Romania, Payne hops a plane (bars) to go find out what happened and, of course, make someone pay. Like Darc, The Hard Way lays out its simple plot and goes right down the revenge movie checklist with almost no deviations. The difference is that Michael Jai White is a better, more charismatic actor than Tony Schiena from Darc. Otherwise, the two movies are on pretty equal footing. Pick The Hard Way when you're in the mood for a mindless action flick and you've already seen Darc.

The Trap

(2019)

Sonny (T.I.) is a successful chef getting ready to start his newest gig, running the kitchen at an upscale restaurant in Los Angeles. On the way he stops to visit his family in Atlanta. When he arrives, he discovers that his mother, affectionately known as Mama Jay (Loretta Devine) has stepped away from the chicken joint she's run for years due to health issues. Sonny's brother Dutch (Mike Epps) has been put in charge and he has no clue about what he's doing. As a result, the place is just about on its last leg. The recipe is there for a cute, heartwarming story in the vein of the Barbershop franchise, which seems to be what the film is aiming for. Unfortunately, all the ingredients are thrown together in the worst way imaginable. T.I. is in the equivalent of Ice cube's role and does what he can as the genuinely nice guy. He's okay, but the rest of the movie utterly failed him. On the other hand, Mike Epps doing Mike Epps things gets far too much screen time. The result is that he and everyone else in the film is an unfunny caricature. Loretta Devine and Queen Latifah, who appears in a small role, both phone it in. The story is all cliche and bad jokes which makes it 90 minute run-time feel like 90 days. The whole thing looks like it was made for $1.99. I'm pretty sure the script was just an outline scribbled around the stains of a fast-food napkin. Literally nothing works. NOTHING! AAARRRRRGGGGHH!!!!!