2018 Blind Spot Series: Fist of the North Star

2017 Blind Spot Series: Akira

Blood: The Last Vampire

Directed by Chris Nahon.
2009. Rated R, 91 minutes.
Cast:
Gianna Jun
Allison Miller
Koyuki
Liam Cunningham
JJ Field
Larry Lamb
Yasuaki Kurata
Colin Salmon

Saya (Jun) has devoted her life to slaying demons in hopes of eventually drawing out Onigen (Koyuki), the supreme demon, and kill it as well. You see, Onigen killed Saya’s father just a few days after she was born. Saya also works for a covert agency. Her job is to, um, slay demons in hopes of eventually drawing out Onigen and yada yada yada.

As you might imagine, killing demons is messy work. It’s also complicated because they can take human form. So, our hero isn’t above mistakes. Then again, neither is this movie. You watch flicks like this for the action and gore. Unfortunately, most of it looks bad. The blood that splatters across the screen and spurts from freshly created orifices looks almost hand-drawn. When the demons transform into some green creature with sharp teeth and wings, they’re poorly rendered. Worst of all, our hero doesn’t appeart quite athletic enough to pull off the role. As a result, way too many obvious camera tricks are used to make her seem to be the unstoppable force she’s supposed to be. The movie is based on the anime film of the same name. My question: if the live action version is going to look like this, why bother?

But wait, it gets worse. Other aspects of the movie are also lacking. The dialogue is a rehashing of the worst of Yu-gi-oh. The actors saying it aren’t going to be winning any awards in the near future and the whole thing has a cheesy feel.

But wait, it gets worse. For two unimportant reasons, our tale is set in 1970. First, there are two lines of dialogue that reference the Vietnam War in current tense that are supposed to be deep. Hardly. Second, since that war is referenced, it’s an easy excuse to fill up the cast of a movie set in Japan with Americans. Whatever.

But wait, it gets worse. It rips off a number of other movies, comics, etc. For instance, when our American tour guide, Alice (Miller), wanders into a bar, we’re quickly reminded of From Dusk til Dawn. And if you can’t see the big reveal coming from about ten miles away, you’ve never seen The Empire Strikes Back or any of the countless other movies that stole from it before this one. Oh, and if you wonder why I haven’t even mentioned vampires to this point, it’s because vampirism is largely irrelevant, despite the title.

But wait, something happens. Somehow, some way, somewhere along the line, if you find yourself still watching, you find that you’ve ridden out your displeasure. You begin to roll with the punches and actually enjoy the badness. Yeah, it’s so bad, it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

Yo Yo Girl Cop

AKA Sukeban Deka: Kôdo nêmu = Asamiya Saki
Directed by Kenta Fukasaku.
2006. Not Rated, 98 minutes.
Cast:
Aya Matsuura
Rika Ishikawa
Erika Miyoshi
Shunsuke Kubozuka
Riki Takeuchi
Yui Okada
Yuki Saito
Hiroyuki Nagato

Captured in New York after her visa has expired a teenaged Japanese female ruffian is deported. Once back home, a secret law enforcement agency makes her work for them in exchange for getting her mom out of a New York prison where she is awaiting trial on charges of espionage. She is tasked to pose as a student and find out who is behind a website deemed responsible for several deaths at one high school and features an ominously mysterious countdown. Based on a Japanese manga. This is just plain dumb fun. Of course, you should realize this when you read the title. If not, then surely you’ll understand when you figure out our heroine’s weapon is indeed, a yo-yo. Granted, if I had a yo-yo like the ones in this movie I would’ve ran my high school, but I digress. The writing is hokey with dialogue that feels lifted directly from the manga’s pages. We can tell who the ex-good guy is, too soon (hint: think yo-yo). And the fight scenes? I did say yo-yos play a prominent role, didn’t I? Besides that, they all start with one or more of the combatants striking a serious martial arts pose. Now, don’t get it twisted. Those are all good things. Yes, you will occasionally shake your head and say “what the hell?” Watching it all the way through may make you question your own sanity and judgment…and mine, but never mind. Just know that if you like cheesy martial arts flicks, emphasis on cheesy, this is for you…and me, but never mind. Oh, if that’s not enough we get treated to a catfight between two babes in slinky leather outfits. What’s not to love? No silly, there are no fetishistic thoughts about Asian lesbians running through my head. Nope, none. I promise…never mind. It’s so bad, it’s awesome! Oh, subtitleophobes breathe easy, it's a Japanese movie but the dubbed English version plays on the DVD by default.


MY SCORE: -10/10