31 Days of Horror 2018: Jaws

Piranha (2010)

Directed by Alexandre Aja.

2010.
Rated R, 88 minutes.
Cast:
Elisabeth Shue
Steven R. McQueen
Jerry O’Connell
Jessica Szohr
Kelly Brook
Brooklynn Proulx
Paul Scheer
Ving Rhames
Christopher Lloyd
Richard Dreyfuss
Eli Roth
Gianna Michaels

Boobie and butts, blood and guts. I could probably stop there and you’d have all t he information you need about the 2010 version of Piranha. Just in case you somehow need more, I’ll tell you just a bit. Its set during spring break at a very popular lake. Let that marinate for a minute and you’ll probably get the idea. Is there a plot? Sure. Who cares, though? It’s only a dumb horror flick, right? Yup. What? You thought I was gonna get all deep and philosophical? Nope. What it all boils down to is this: there are coeds all over the lake as far as the eye can see, seemingly thousands…with a porn star or two mixed in for good measure…all in bikinis or less (long shorts, no shirt for the guys) and a rather large percentage of them get eaten by a school of piranha in graphic fashion. Basically, if you watch Piranha, you get exactly what you ask for. Don’t get the wrong idea, this is a good thing. A very good thing.

We move along rather swiftly, never going too long without an attack or a bare breast. The latter keeps the young male target audience engaged between episodes of the former. The former is comprised of screaming, flailing around in the water, more naked boobs and some truly spectacular gore. People are eaten down to and sometimes including their skeleton. Spring breakers often emerge from the lake having left parts of themselves behind. This is all rendered in wonderfully gruesome fashion. It’s a visual buffet of human carnage.

The relentless insanity of it all gives this remake and advantage over the thirty-plus year old original. That movie has its fair share of blood in the water. It even went so far as to make a number of its victims small children. However, it was far more concerned with being a parody of Jaws and other killer fish movies. Unfortunately, it isn’t particularly funny or clever. This new version pursues much simpler pleasures. It is only concerned with the exposing and mutilating of the human body. Judged on those terms it is an unmitigated success. The only bit of cleverness attempted is in some stunt casting. To that end, be on the lookout for Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd and Eli Roth in bit parts.

Piranha is not a movie that’s going to transcend its genre. It’s dumb. It’s perverse. It’s gross. It’s simply one of “those” movies. There is nothing here for people who aren’t fans of gory horror flicks. For those that are, it’s a gold mine. It is what it is: so bad it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

RED

Directed by Robert Schwentke.
2010. Rated PG-13, 111 minutes
Cast:
Bruce Willis
Mary-Louise Parker
John Malkovich
Morgan Freeman
Helen Mirren
Karl Urban
Brian Cox
Julian McMahon
Richard Dreyfuss
Ernest Borgnine
Karl Urban

Frank (Willis) is a retired CIA agent who has taken a shine to Sarah (Parker), a telephone customer service rep. Soon enough, he suddenly makes his way to her apartment in Kansas City because the agency is apparently out to kill him for something we don’t yet know and to kill her pretty much just because. Since she doesn’t really know Frank, other than their frequent phone conversations, he has to drag her along, kicking and screaming. Traipsing across the country, narrowly escaping death while getting “the band” back together to help him figure thing thing out ensues.

The band is made up of other former black-ops specialists from various organizations that comprise Frank’s friends. There’s Marvin (Malkovich) who is so paranoid, he lives underground. Joe (Freeman) scopes out nurses at the rest home where he resides. Finally, there’s Victoria (Mirren). She’s a foxy older lady who has a thing for high-caliber firearms.

Red does what it does well enough that we can overlook what it is not so good at. It’s good at letting its cast use their familiar personas to draw laughter. Malkovich is particularly effective here, at his neurotic best. It’s good at keeping us guessing what’s really going on without becoming bogged down with maintaining the suspense. It is also surprisingly good at action, given that most of the cast is well beyond their physical primes. Though longtime action hero Willis does have a number of bright spots, its Mirren who shines brightest in this area. Thankfully, we don’t see her trying to perform any superhuman feats. That would be laughable, in a bad way. Instead, she does things she can be reasonably expected to and makes them infinitely more watchable than they should be. Her irrepressible presence makes her compelling in any role. When that is combined with the affinity most action fans have for gunfire, she’s doubly so. Her character also provides us with an interesting subplot about something from her past that may become her present.

What this movie doesn’t do well is develop its characters. For the most part, it skips that task. It prefers to rely on the fact that we expect certain things from each other and tries its darndest to give it to us. It never feels like we’re watching Frank, Marvin, Joe and Victoria. We’re always watching Bruce Willis from the Die Hard movies, John Malkovich from his Coen brothers flicks, Morgan Freeman the wise old sage and Helen Mirren the regal British lady. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it just renders the movie a bit shallow. Then again, I think shallow may be the point.

Recently, there have been a slew of similarly themed movies. Though this doesn’t revel in its own ridiculousness quite the way The A-Team does, I find it just as enjoyable. It finds its own level of plausible absurdity and runs with it. It’s what The Expendables tries to be and what The Losers can only dream of being.