Friday, September 3, 2010


Directed by Douglas Aarniokoski.
2010. Rated R, 90 minutes.
Marc Blucas
Nicki Aycox
Eva Amurri
Naveen Andrews
Andy Comeau
Bart Johnson

There are people among us who have the ability to transform into animals, at will. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. Most of them live peacefully amongst us regular folk. Of course, a few ruffians like to tap in to their beastly side on a regular basis and do some nasty things. At least, that’s what the movie tells us.

Jarrett (Blucas) is not one of those people. He’s just a poor, dim-witted schlep who is late for work every morning, hangs out drinking at his buddy’s bar every night and never connects the two. For reasons known only to her, the well-endowed waitress is awfully fond of him, but doesn’t pick up on that, either. By the way, I’m only remarking on her breasts because she makes a particular point of wearing very low cut tops and the director makes sure to highlight them in every shot of her. Let’s get back to Jarrett. Even when a hot, skankily clad blonde practically clubs him over the head and drags him back to his own cave, he almost doesn’t get it. She literally has to spell out what it is that she wants. We’re not the least bit surprised to discover his glory days ended the second he stepped off a high school football field for the last time.

Being the slow sort of guy he is, he falls instantly in love with said blonde. Since this is all part of her master plan, she doesn’t object and moves in…wait…who lets their one-night-stand move in the next day? Our resident mental giant Jarrett does, of course. During the dirty deed, she bites him pretty good and scratches up his back. Of course, we already know two things he doesn’t. First, she’s one of “those people”. Second, and even more importantly, she’s hiding out from her boyfriend who is not only one of “those people”, he enjoys killing people, a lot. He enjoys killing guys that hang around his gal, even more.

You know, this sounds pretty good so far. But hey, this is a straight-to-DVD feature. True to its roots, the execution is horrorble. See what I did, there? All of my former English professors are congregating outside my house right now, with torches and pitchforks in hopes of confiscating the degree I earned in their beloved subject. Hold on a second (walks to barely open window and peeps through barely opened Venetian blinds) “You’ll never take me alive!” Oh, sorry.

Anyhoo, (“Quit all that racket, doctors!”) the special fx are far less than special; unless by special you mean akin to the children you now regret making fun of when you yourself were a child, or special like Jarrett. Our “animals” are neon-lit cartoon dogs, or wolves, or something. The script seems to have been written by whatever poor soul those teachers outside raped and pillaged before coming here. Do English professors rape and pillage? However, it seems someone was aware of these weaknesses because they tried to make it up with lots of screwin. “You like that, teach? I dropped a “g” and didn’t even include punctuation! What!" Ahem…the movie, right? I certainly wouldn’t call Animals good. Then again, I wouldn’t call it bad. It’s beyond bad. It’s so bad, its awesome! Oh, almost forgot...that pic up there is the DVD cover and none of the people you see are actually in the movie. See what I mean by special?

“Come and get me, professors! I have really sharp pencils and an army of e-friends!”

MY SCORE: -10/10

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