31 Days of Horror 2018: Life (2017)

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Thursday Movie Picks: Movies About Assassins

Once again, it's that wonderful day of the week that most of you only like slightly more than Wednesday because it's one step closer to Friday. Around here, Thursday has recently gotten a sprucing up thanks to Wanderer at Wandering Through the Shelves and her Thursday Movie Picks Meme.

Yes, this is the part where I urge you to swing by her place, check out the blog and join the Thursday fun.

Do it.

Now.

Just make sure you come back here, at some point.

Soon.

This week's theme is "Movies About Assassins." No shortage of those, so I didn't have too much trouble picking this week. In fact, I had way too many to choose from. I had to narrow it down some way. Therefore, I settled on three that don't take themselves serious, at all. Not even a little bit. These are three movies filled with blood soaked action, profane profanity, and situations so far over the top ridiculous doesn't even begin to describe them. All three are underappreciated, so I've no choice but to call them hidden gems.

Shoot 'em Up

Clive Owen does not play an assassin. However, he is trying to protect an infant from one. Just how insane is this movie? It starts with the delivery of said baby by Owen amidst a shootout that includes the death of the mother. Owen engages in another shootout literally while having sex with Monica Bellucci. The assassin who is always hot on our hero's trail is played with mustache twirling brilliance by Paul Giamatti. It's all a bit much to take in, but it's totally worth it when you do. Don't believe me? Take it from the late great Roger Ebert. About this movie he wrote "I may disapprove of a movie for going too far, and yet have a sneaky regard for a movie that goes much, much farther than merely too far." And he gave it 3 1/2 stars out of four.

Smokin' Aces 

This one features a cast of thousands (not quite). Most of them are hitmen trying to kill a magician/gangster played with sleaze dripping from every pore by Jeremy Piven to keep him from testifying against a Las Vegas mob boss. The roster of killers includes Chris Pine, Kevin Durand, Peter Berg, Taraji P. Henson, Common, and even Alicia Keys. Don't worry Piven's got some help from the likes of Ryan Reynolds, Ray Liotta, Andy Garcia, Common, and Jason Bateman giving what I consider his finest (and most disturbing) performance. "The Critics' Consensus" on rottentomatoes.com for this film is that it's "a violent mess of a movie." And like that's somehow a bad thing, it only earned a 28% rating. Ladies and gentlemen, I am the 28%.

Crank

It doesn't get any more ridiculous than this. Jason Statham plays an assassin who makes a hit that has some unforeseen consequences. He finds himself poisoned with a drug that inhibits the flow of adrenaline and will eventually slow his heart down enough to kill him. Well, it will kill him if he can't keep his heart rate up. To do so, he does everything you could possibly think of, and then some. Take methamphetamines? Check. Get into fights with both gangsters and the police? Check. Have sex in the middle of the street? Check. Of course, he does all this while trying to get the guys who did this to him. Does it always make sense? No. Is it often downright sadistic? Yup. Do you need to "turn your brain off" to enjoy this? It wouldn't hurt. What? I don't see the problem.

Bonus pick!

Crank: High Voltage

Just because I couldn't let you escape without mentioning the sequel. I'll keep this one short and simple. Suffice it to say when I wrote 'it doesn't get any more ridiculous than this' about the original, I lied.

Bonus Bonus Pick!!

The Big Hit

I won't say too much about this one since I used it as a Thursday Movie Pick a few weeks back. Click here.

Click here for more Thursday Movie Picks.

Turbo

Directed by David Soren.

2013. Rated PG, 96 minutes.

Cast:

Ryan Reynolds

Paul Giamatti

Samuel L. Jackson

Michael Peña

Snoop Dogg

Maya Rudolph

Michelle Rodriguez

Luis Guzman

Bill Hader

Richard Jenkins

Ken Jeong

Mario Andretti

Ironically, Turbo (Reynolds) is a snail. He loves Formula One racing, especially his hero Guy Gagné (Hader) and wants nothing more than to go really fast. As you might imagine, being a snail makes this rather difficult. Still, a boy can dream. Unfortunately, that dreaming makes it hard for him to perform the mundane tasks of daily life. This includes doing his job for which he is under the supervision of his much more cautious brother Chet (Giamatti). Frustrated with life, Turbo finds himself looking over the freeway. Somehow he finds himself on it, barely surviving the harrowing ordeal. When he comes to, he discovers that his shell is suddenly a high-powered engine that enables him to travel at ridiculous speeds. One thing leads to another and Turbo and Chet wind up in the care of Tito (Peña), a taco salesman/snail racer with big ideas. Trying to get Turbo into the Indy 500 ensues.

Following Turbo on his quest is a fun adventure that is well paced and breezes by easily. The racing scenes are all exciting and should bring the youngsters to the edge of their seats as a decent amount of tension is created by them. The story between them holds together pretty well, also. As nonsensical as it sounds, we buy into it. We get caught up in whether or not this little snail can do the impossible.

Helping to sell all of this to us is a remarkable cast. To me, this begins with two wonderful actors doing superb voice work, Paul Giamatti and the incomparable Samuel L. Jackson. Both are just plain amazing. Giamatti provides a persistent naysayer who makes his opinions clearly known. Jackson brings his familiar persona to the role and somehow makes it all the way through the film without dropping F-bombs. Between the two of them, they get most of the movie’s best lines. However, they are not alone. Michael Peña, Bill Hader, Snoop, and Ken Jeong are all excellent, as well. Luis Guzman shines in the very nearly thankless role of Tito’s big brother Angelo, but not given nearly as much to do. All of them overshadow leading snail Ryan Reynolds. It’s not that he is bad, it’s that they are so good.

By the end, we have an easily graspable film about chasing your dreams and never giving up. This message is telegraphed pretty far in advance so that might lessen some of its potency, but it still works. Best of all, it’s not something we have to dwell on. Things are kept lighthearted enough so the kids don’t feel brow-beaten when it’s over. It stands a bit ahead of most animated kiddie fare, but is not quite special.

MY SCORE: 7/10

The Croods

The Amityville Horror (2005)

Directed by Andrew Douglas.

2005. Rated PG-13, 89 minutes.

Cast:

Ryan Reynolds

Melissa George

Chloë Grace-Moretz

Jesse James

Jimmy Bennett

Rachel Nichols

Philip Baker Hall

In 1979, The Amityville Horror hit theaters, and not only became a hit movie, but a cultural phenomenon. People actually made the trek to New York to see the house where the movie was set because it was supposedly a true story. I don’t knock anyone for believing in ghosts and/or haunted houses. To each his own. However, I do have to question the intelligence of people who believe it to be true and go there on purpose. What if it is? Being in the midst of a demonic paranormal entity doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs to me. As noted in my review of the original, whether or not our tale is rooted in reality has been hotly debated and largely debunked. What is inarguable is that it provided the template for the modern haunted house movie which is still being ripped off ad nauseum all these years later.

This brings us to the remake you came here to read about. The setup is the same as the older movie. The Lutz family is house shopping for a place suitable for their family of six: George (Reynolds), Kathy (George), three kids, and one dog. The kids and the dog came with Kathy as part of a package deal, having remarried after the death of her first husband. They check out the fateful house and it is obviously out of their price range. No worries, the real estate agent assures them she’s letting it go cheap. When asked what gives, she explains what we saw at the very beginning. The year before, some nut got up out of bed at 3:15 AM and blasted everyone in his family with a shotgun. Since it is a beautiful house, and George wants to make his woman happy, the Lutzes decide to buy it. After all, as George so eloquently puts it, “houses don’t kill people.” We’ll just see about that, won’t we.

Right away, and every night at 3:15, things go haywire. George is affected more than anyone. The movie, including Reynolds himself, does a nice job with his rapidly deteriorating mental state. This is very clearly a man losing it. Just to make sure we know that it’s the house causing all of his issues, he’s a much nicer guy whenever he is away from it. For the most part, he drives the movie. The film, and the house, uses him to crank things up or ratchet them down at the appropriate times.

The character who shoulders the rest of the load is the daughter Chelsea. She interacts with the house in a way no one else does. As a result, she’s often in harm’s way. This is one of the very early performances of child star Chloë Grace-Moretz. She’s about as solid as any kid would be in the role, but it’s hard to tell from this that she would become a top notch and highly sought after talent with many horror titles on her resumé. Still, the movie effectively uses her to score easy sympathy points and provide some harrowing scenes.

On its own, this is a briskly pace film packed with creepy visuals. It hardly gives us a chance to catch our breath as it is constantly sprinting to the next big moment. Juxtaposed with its predecessor, we see that it is a more concentrated effort. This version is almost solely focused on the Lutz family. The story of Father Callaway (Hall), Father Delaney in the original, ran prominently alongside the main plot in that older flick, but is barely included here, almost totally diminished in importance and altered in execution. Conversely, the bit about Lisa (Nichols), the baby-sitter, is expanded into a much more intense scene and the character herself is completely different. The other major difference is how the dog is handled. In the original, it is used to show how caring a person George really is when not under the house’s influence. This time it’s used to demonstrate George’s loosening grip on reality.

It is my opinion that this is a very underrated movie. It ramps up the tension early and doesn't let up. Ryan Reynolds gives a very convincing performance of a guy flipping out. There are also excellent and unsettling visuals throughout. Normally, a ninety minute remake of a two hour movie is cause to ring the alarms. Ring them even louder when you add the fact that Michael Bay is a producer on this one. Logic tells us that so much would be left out it would feel incomplete. Honestly, there are things left out of this version. However, it feels like what was removed made it a more concise effort without sacrificing the essence of its predecessor. It’s just plain fun to sit through.

MY SCORE: 7/10

Ted

Directed by Seth MacFarlane.

2012. Rated R, 106 minutes.
Cast:
Mark Wahlberg
Seth MacFarlane
Mila Kunis
Joel McHale
Giovanni Ribisi
Aedin Mincks
Patrick Warburton
Matt Walsh
Jessica Barth
Bill Smitrovich
Sam J. Jones
Norah Jones
Tom Skerritt
Ryan Reynolds

As a boy, John (Wahlberg) doesn’t have any friends. He is so unpopular even the kids who get beat up all the time don’t want to hang out with him. Desperately needing companionship, John wishes that his teddy bear would come to life so they could be best friends forever. Since it is Christmas, John’s wish comes true. The bear, named Ted (MacFarlane) of course, becomes a celebrity but never forsakes his pal. Fast forward twenty-five years or so. Ted is no longer a celeb but is still bestest buds with John. On the other hand, John is trying to maintain a meaningful relationship with girlfriend Lori (Kunis). Unfortunately, hanging out with Ted keeps getting in the way. Teddy bear profanity, drug use, drinking and sex ensues.

Let’s not beat around the bush. The draw of this movie is the novelty watching a stuffed animal do raunchy stuff. Luckily, much of it is rather hilarious. Just as good, it fits neatly into bromance vs. romance motif it sets up. The tugging on John from both directions sets up both the humor and emotion of the movie. The humor is certainly of the no-holds barred variety. Though every joke doesn’t hit its mark, many do. For this, much credit is due to director/star Seth MacFarlane rechanneling his Peter Griffith voice into the bear. His delivery is perfect throughout and he even references the Griffith character. By the way, this movie includes possibly the funniest fight scene of all time.

The emotion of Ted is pretty standard rom-com fare, but it works better than similar material in other movies. Kunis is sufficiently upset with her man for not being all he can be. She expresses disappointment and delivers ultimatums with the proper zest. Wahlberg’s man-child act wonderfully pulls both sides of the story together. He plays the role with a likeable naiveté that makes him a sympathetic figure. We feel he really wants to do the right thing. Sometimes, he just can’t. Other times, he’s not even sure what the right thing is. In several similar movies and roles, Seth Rogen endows his characters with harsh sarcasm, vocal selfishness and aloofness that works against the films because he seems hard to like for females in the audience. Wahlberg has no such issue. He wants to please them. He just seems weak as opposed to Rogen’s stubbornness. Of course, it helps that the popular opinion is that Wahlberg’s much easier on the eyes.

Where Ted falters is a third act that fails us twice. First, it integrates a kidnapping that feels artificial to the story. It doesn’t wreck the movie and has some laughs of its own, mostly from a fantastic performance by the creepily funny Giovanni Ribisi. Still, it feels like it’s there to inject an action scene where it isn’t needed. Second, when the credits roll nothing has been resolved. It’s meant to be a touching finale. Unfortunately, I couldn’t help thinking that everyone involved is back to square one.

See Ted for the toilet humor, or what doesn’t get into the toilet in one case. Somehow, through all the expletives and general crassness this movie achieves a level of cuteness that doesn’t seem possible. Don’t see it if you’re easily offended or actually looking for any sort of depth. The fact that the bear talks is about as deep as it gets.

MY SCORE: 7/10

Safe House

Directed by Daniel Espinosa.

2012. Rated R, 115 minutes.

Cast:

Denzel Washington

Ryan Reynolds

Vera Farmiga

Brendan Gleeson

Fares Fares

Liam Cunningham

Nora Arnezeder

Rubén Blades

Sam Shepard

Robert Patrick

Joel Kinnaman

Tracie Thoms

Since he is an FBI agent you wouldn’t think Matt Weston (Reynolds) has a boring job, but he does. He spends all day, every day as a housekeeper. No, he’s not the kind you rich folks employ. He is the sole agent posted at a “safe house,” a temporary holding facility for bad guys collared by the agency. This one is in Cape Town, South Africa. There is rarely anyone to watch. Suddenly, there is when former agent and suspected traitor Tobin Frost (Washington) turns himself in after a rather tense set of events has him staring death in the face. He’s brought to the safe house by a whole team of agents. Of course, things don’t go so smoothly. Some very bad people are after Mr. Frost and shoot their way in. After a narrow escape, Matt must not only stay alive but somehow get Frost safely to the higher-ups. His task is made even more difficult by the fact that Frost doesn’t really want to be in custody. The two men playing cat and mouse with both the bad guys and each other ensues.

Speedy pacing is this movie’s best friend. Though it doesn’t really break any new ground in the action/espionage genre, it does keep its foot fastened to the gas pedal. The next action sequence is never far off. For the most part, they don’t disappoint. They’re tense and just enough over the top to remain exciting. They’re helped by a narrative that functions enough to keep us somewhat interested in the fates of these two guys. Many of the twists and turns we can see coming pretty far off. However, in this instance they’re still pulled off nicely. So while it is predictable, it still works.

 

Lots of credit for clichés working well is due to our leads. Denzel does the thing where he’s constantly trying to pull jedi mind tricks on the other guy. Pure Denzel. Like Pacino, Nicholson and De Niro, he’s in that rarified air where he’s always enjoyable even though he’s basically playing the same character he always does, just with different occupations.

By contrast, Denzel’s co-star Ryan Reynolds mostly forgoes his usual wiseass routine, giving us more of a straight-laced action hero. Even without his normal one-liners, the banter between he and Denzel is fun and he becomes easy to root for. For me, it’s his best performance in a non-comedy except possibly the underrated remake of The Amityville Horror. Yeah, I’m the one person that likes that movie.

If you’re just looking for an action flick to pass time, you could certainly do worse than Safe House. Despite the fact it offer little or nothing in the way of originality, it’s still an enjoyable ride. It gives us what we came for the way we like. Is it a masterpiece? No. However, for a popcorn flick it works fine. It goes down smoothly. Perhaps it’s a tad too smooth as there are no real surprises, but smooth nonetheless.

 

MY SCORE: 6.5/10

Green Lantern

Directed by Martin Campbell.

2011. Rated PG-13, 114 minutes.
Cast:
Ryan Reynolds
Blake Lively
Mark Strong
Peter Sarsgaard
Tim Robbins
Angela Bassett
Jay O. Sanders
Temuera Morrison
Clancy Brown
Michael Clarke Duncan

Abin Sur (Morrison) is the most celebrated member of the intergalactic police force known as The Green Lanterns. When he is fatally wounded by all-powerful villain Parallax (voiced by Clancy Brown) he manages to make it to the nearest inhabited planet before perishing. Of course, that planet is Earth. Once landing, Abin Sur commands his magical ring to go forth and choose his successor in the Green Lantern corps. It chooses loose cannon, ultra sarcastic playboy test pilot Hal Jordan (Reynolds).

Shortly, Hal is whisked away to the planet Oa (pronounced like Noah, but without the ‘n’). This is HQ for all the lanterns and he’s there to get some quick training. That means he gets an explanation on how the ring works and what it does. For the uninformed, the ring can instantly form anything he thinks of. It also allows him to fly and breathe in outer space. We’re never actually told this last bit, but roll with it. Hal doubts that he’s worthy, goes back home, saves a few lives and really gets thrust into the action when Parallax comes looking to make a snack out of Earth’s inhabitants. Meanwhile, Dr. Hector Hammond (Sarsgaard) suddenly develops telepathic and telekinetic powers and goes crazy after examining Abin Sur’s body. A piece of Parallax lodged in the dead alien’s chest infects the doc. In short, Dr. Hammond becomes the tune-up villain for our hero before the big smog (Parallax) comes to Earth.

Although it’s an origin story, Green Lantern is not one of those slow movers where we have to wait an hour before the action starts. It’s a fast-paced affair that gleefully zips along in a relentless attempt to make each action sequence a bigger spectacle than the last. It seems to be trying to make you say “Ooh, he just made a machine gun! There’s a giant racetrack! Ooh, the giant cloud of dust is zapping people!” And so on. By the way, I haven’t even mentioned the steadily increasing size of Dr. Hammond’s head.

For kids and others who just want to see lots of superhero stuff, this is a fun ride. “Stuff” happens all the time. For more discerning viewers, particularly overly critical fanboys, it will be a neon green tinted mess. Sure, lots of stuff keeps happening but much of it makes little or no sense. It feels like they just keep throwing things against the wall to see what sticks. Instead of developing the story, it rushes to the next action scene. This, combined with a tone that’s way too reminiscent of the Fantastic Four movies and a hero that acts more like Robert Downey Jr.’s Tony Stark than the comic book version of Jordan gives the whole film a very cheesy feel. I’m not necessarily calling for “dark and gritty” like fanboys tend to do when criticizing the movies based on their favorite characters. However, if memory serves The Green Lantern comic books was more serious in approach. That helped offset some of the inherent silliness of a hero that forms a bunch of green things with his magic ring, has a serious problem with yellow and follows the command of a group of rather large-headed blue guys.

The silliness extends to our villain and the movie’s concept of the size of the galaxy. Creatures that can eliminate entire planets of people are difficult to translate to the screen. They gave a valiant effort but weren’t consistent with what Parallax could or couldn’t do. This is mostly a problem because he flat refuses a couple opportunities to kill our hero. Judging by the ending, our villain isn’t too bright, either. This little bit of ridiculousness involves the sun. I’ll just leave it at that. Still, in comparison to The Fantastic Four again, this movie does a better job with a similar bad guy. We get a far better representation of Parallax than the second FF flick has of Galactus. As far as the galaxy goes, I just find it funny that while no one beams anywhere like in Star Trek, anyone can get anywhere in a matter of minutes. It’s like Earth and Oa are next door neighbors.

I could go on for days about the problems with this movie. There are lots to choose from. However, it does one thing well. It gives us super hero action. It also does it at a pretty rapid rate. If this is enough for you, then you’ll enjoy GL. Be honest with yourself about your feelings for those Fantastic Four flicks. Better than I, that will likely help you decide if you think this is part of the brightest day or blackest night.

MY SCORE: 5/10