Focus

300: Rise of an Empire

The Last Stand

Directed by Kim Jee-Woon.

2013. Rated R, 107 minutes.

Cast:

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Forest Whitaker

Rodrigo Santoro

Eduardo Noriega

Genesis Rodriguez

Johnny Knoxville

Jaimie Alexander

Peter Stormare

Zach Gilford

Christiana Leucas

Once upon a time, the release of an Arnold Schwarzenegger flick meant I was spending a Friday or Saturday in a crowded theater inhaling popcorn while the guy with the thick accent flexed muscles I didn't even know existed, kicked all sorts of ass, and dropped some of the corniest/funniest one-liners ever barked by a monosyllabic action hero. If you had told me that he would eventually go on hiatus from movie making to become governor of California, I would've shunned you for violating the number one commandment of First Lady Nancy Reagan and obviously not just saying no. Google it, if you must. I’m in no mood to explain the jokes, youngster.

Anyhoo, in his first starring role since leaving office, The Governator picks up right where he left off. Sorta. He plays the sheriff of an Arizona town that borders Mexico. By the way, every time I have to type the word ‘sheriff’ I have to spell check it. I can never remember if there are two Rs, or two Fs, neither, or both. This is funny, to me at least, for two reasons. The first is that I won my sixth grade school spelling bee, placed sixth in the district bee so I wasn't that many steps from horribly butchering some word of Latin origin (or Greek, or Russian, or Japanese, etc.) on national TV. Wait a sec, the national spelling bee wasn't televised back then. I don’t think. Whew, that was close (not really). The second reason I find this humorous is because I never ever have to check how to spell Schwarzenegger. Never. You could wake me from a dead sleep after a long night of binge drinking and I wouldn't miss a letter. Not one. S-C-H-W-A-R-Z-E-N-E-G-G-E-R.

Oh, where are my manners? You’re here about a movie, right?

Let’s talk about this Arizona town Ah-nuld protects. It’s one of those rinky dink places where much of the population is of retirement age and everyone is on a first name basis with everyone else. The police almost never see any action. In fact, the most exciting thing we see them do early on is take target practice with the local nut-job played by Johnny Knoxville with an overly phallic handgun. By them, I mean almost the entire force. This includes the T-800, Deputy Mike (Guzman) and Deputy Jerry (Gilford). There is also Deputy Sarah (Alexander) who is back at the office missing out on all the fun.. By the way, Deputy Jerry makes plans for the very near future which Conan the Barbarian is more than happy to help him with. Poor guy. If you don’t understand what I’m saying, imagine that he’s in his sixties and retiring in two weeks. If you still don’t get it you've obviously never seen an action movie before.

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, the feds are transporting Cortez (Noriega), a dangerous Mexican cartel boss from one institution to another. If you guessed he would make a daring escape thanks to his private army and head right for Terminatorville in hopes of crossing the border, give yourself a cookie. Take two if you guessed he’d be driving a suped up Corvette at 200 miles per hour for most of the movie. From there? Wow. Just. Wow.

What does wow mean? It means that on top of the normal action flick ridiculousness I was totally ready for, I got an unexpected trip back to the land of low budget 70s movies. Think about those old pictures, or go watch some if you haven’t. Take note of how many times you can clearly see the stunt-person. Believe it, or not, we get that here. My apologies to anyone involved in the making of this film if I’m incorrect. However, there a few occasions when I looked at the screen and couldn't help but say aloud “That’s not Arnie!” I even had to change the noun once or twice to Luis Guzman. Hilarious.

Now we can add the action itself. I did say it’s ridiculous, didn't I? It’s actually a bit beyond that, particularly with regards to the Corvette our bad guy whips around in. This thing is apparently a supercharged mini-tank. Were the Fast & Furious folks on this dedicated team of auteurs? Even with that, our zany mixture is not complete. Stir in Forest Whitaker, as the head fed, chewing every bit of scenery he could find, a blatant but still lackluster romance between our lady cop and a deputized prisoner, Johnny Knoxville going full-on gun-happy imbecile, and Commando dropping one-liners (sometimes one-worders) and I just can’t keep from laughing giddily throughout. Once again, my immune system fails me in the face of unabashed cinematic crap. This is so bad it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Directed by Kirk Jones.

2012. Rated PG-13, 110 minutes.
Cast:
Cameron Diaz
Jennifer Lopez
Elizabeth Banks
Brooklyn Decker
Anna Kendrick
Dennis Quaid
Ben Falcone
Rodrigo Santoro
Chris Rock
Rebel Wilson
Thomas Lennon
Wendi McLendon-Covey
Chace Crawford

If you’re eternally optimistic like me, or not, and have children you’d expect to laugh during a movie that bills itself as “laugh out loud funny for any parent!” Trust me, it does. Says so right on the back cover of the DVD, exclamation point included. Sadly, this may be the best joke involved with this movie, even if it is on me. My mother was right. I’m too gullible. She warned you couldn’t always depend on the goodness of Mankind or of advertising geeks who work for movie studios.

Unlike the blurbs occupying real estate on its cover, the title What to Expect When You’re Expecting is accurate. After all, we do meet a handful of women who will very shortly be expecting. By the way, this movie is based on the best-selling advice book of the same name. That probably should’ve been a warning. Anyhoo, we then journey through pregnancy with the soon-to-be mamas. In short order there’s the fitness guru/reality tv star (Diaz), the pregnancy expert who’s never been pregnant (Banks), the photographer who can’t get pregnant (Lopez), the girl who runs a food truck (Kendrick) and the NASCAR trophy-wife (Decker). Other than Banks and Decker, these ladies have nothing to do with each other. Well, almost nothing. At some point, they cross paths with each other in the most brief and contrived ways possible but still don’t get involved in one another’s stories. No, the scene in the pic above never happens.

However unrelated they may be, they do have something in common besides swollen bellies. Not one of them is the least bit funny. Almost none, but we'll get to that. Part of the problem is these women are not all that likeable. They’re self-absorbed mongers whose pregnancies have little to do with the circle of life. Instead of nurturing bundles of joy they seem to be incubating accessories - assets in one’s portfolio or validation of self-worth, and so on. Most galling, one is merely a depressing plot point in a budding romance.

None of the actresses turn in memorable work, either. Elizabeth Banks fares best and is part of the funniest, most heartfelt and oddest scene. Lopez does her best to look constantly forlorn. Diaz’s Jillian Michaels impression is meant to be a hilarious parody but fails miserably at the hilarious part. Finally, Decker seems to be channeling Jaime Pressly making me wonder why they didn’t just get the real thing. For the most part their men blend seamlessly into the background. The normally unexciting Dennis Quaid plays Decker’s husband/racing legend and stands out simply because we’re positive he has a pulse. And yes, since this is a “zany” comedy everyone will go into labor at precisely the same time. Gee, without me you never would’ve guess…who am I kidding? You knew that was a sure bet as soon as the second lady turned up in a family way. I confess, there is one exception. J-Lo literally takes the Angelina Jolie route to family expansion. Even that wraps itself up right on cue. Sigh.

Sideline players fare ever-so-slightly better. Rebel Wilson is mostly just there but elevates the Banks scene I referenced earlier. Wendi McLendon-Covey hits with a few zingers during her limited time on-screen. Most consistently amusing is the group of fathers who walk together in the park, kids in tow, led by Chris Rock and Thomas Lennon. They aren’t “laugh out loud funny for every parent,” but they’re a welcome reprieve from all the hand-wringing and failed humor of the major storylines. None of this is enough to salvage this heap. What to Expect is a classic case of a talented ensemble given nothing to work with and going through the motions.

Rio

Directed by Carlos Saldanha.

2011. Rated G, 96 minutes.
Cast:
Jesse Eisenberg
Anne Hathaway
Leslie Mann
Rodrigo Santoro
George Lopez
Jamie Foxx
Will.i.Am
Jermaine Clement
Wanda Sykes
Bernardo de Paula
Tracy Morgan

As a wee little baby bird Blu (Eisenberg) is snatched from his habitat in the wilds of Rio de Janeiro and winds up in Minnesota as pet to Linda (Mann). One day, ornithologist Tulio (Santoro) shows up and informs Linda that Blu is the last male of his species, the blue macaw. He needs Blu to mate with Jewel (Hathaway) in order to save said species. Of course, they have to go back to Rio for this to happen. Once there, we find out a few things. Jewel is very interested in escaping Tulio’s lab and not at all interested in Blu (she has no use for humans). Smugglers are also interested in our not-so-in-lovebirds, realizing that these are the last two of their kind and very valuable. Finally, Linda and Tulio seem very interested in each other. Chasing, match-making and singing ensues.

What also ensues is little more than an hour’s worth of blandness. It finds its comfort zone in a paint-by-numbers tale that doesn’t hold any real surprises and is more than happy bing cute and slipping in a slightly risqué joke every now and again. Occasionally, something pretty funny happens, it moves along at a nice pace and at a total length of just a bit over 90 minutes it never overstays its welcome. Howerver, it never really differentiates itself from the scores of other animated kiddie flicks made in the last half decade, positively or negatively. Even the songs are kind of ho-hum, not particularly memorable with the exception of the villainous Nigel’s (Clement) tune. This is a shame because you have both Jamie Foxx (Nico) and Will.i.Am (Pedro) in the cast. Love them or hate them, they’ve both made a killing by delivering catchy numbers to pop radio. Most of what we get here feels ripped off from Madagascar.

Don’t fret. This isn’t a bad watch. It’s a perfectly pleasant time-passer. There are some excellent visuals helped by the use of color and the absence of it, in Nigel’s case. Humor comes at a decent rate with the occasional punch line that goes over the kiddies’ heads. They’ll enjoy it and you probably will, also. I’m not sure either of you will love it, but I’m pretty sure you won’t hate it.

MY SCORE: 6/10