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Top Five...and Dell's Top Five

A Haunted House

Directed by Michael Tiddes.

2013. Rated R, 86 minutes.

Cast:

Marlon Wayans

Essence Atkins

Nick Swardson

Andrew Daly

Alanna Ubach

Cedric the Entertainer

Marlene Forte

David Koechner

Dave Sheridan

Affion Crockett

J.B. Smoove

Today is a big day. This is when Malcolm's (Wayans) girlfriend Kisha (Atkins) is moving in with him. He has a spacious house with a pool and a jacuzzi and a housekeeper named Rosa (Forte) to help him maintain it all. Of course, the second Kisha gets there, strange things start happening. It soon becomes apparent that there is a ghost in the house. And since this is a found footage movie, every oddity is caught on camera. Just so you don't go thinking this has any chance of being scary I'll let you know that this is a parody of the Paranormal Activity franchise. Therefore, comedy, or something like it, ensues.

The setup is familiar. Things happen, with the most extreme stuff occurring during the wee hours of the night. In the mornings, our loving couple watches the footage to see what went on for themselves. The difference between this and the movies it pokes fun of, plot wise, is that this is really all about sex. Nearly every joke overtly references some form of the act or another. This includes a rather extended scene of a threesome involving Malcolm and a pair of teddy bears. You might laugh yourself silly, become too uncomfortable to laugh, or both. Like much of the movie, it goes out of its way to be crass. A Haunted House also leans toward stereotypes and male homophobia (being completely okay with female homosexuality, naturally). Take it, or leave it.

Now that you know what to expect out of this movie, I can probably stop writing. However, I do want to touch on some of the highlights. For me, the biggest is Marlene Forte as Rosa. She is the one who made me laugh most consistently. She also takes what could be just a sliver of a character and forms a fully realized being. To be perfectly honest, it probably helps that we only get her in small doses. I'm judging by the plethora of supporting players who come to the house at some point. Most are at least a little funny for the first few minutes after they show up, but manage to wear out their welcome. Another positive is that whether you love it or hate it, it's not boring. The run time is thankfully short. On top of that it moves quickly because things are constantly happening that grab our attention.

While I wouldn't call A Haunted House good, I will say it wasn't nearly as painful as it could have been. It's better than another Wayans Brothers horror spoof, the Scary Movie franchise. Unlike those, it doesn't just re-enact random scenes from a bunch of movies appearing schizophrenic and pulling us in way too many directions. A Haunted House uses the template provided by Paranormal Activity, even to the point of imitation, but creates its own self-contained and cohesive narrative. You need not have seen twenty other films to get most of the jokes. Really, you don't even have to have seen Paranormal Activity. It stands up, or falls down depending on your tolerance for humor that might be beyond raunchy, on its own accord.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

The Smurfs 2

Directed by Raja Gosnell.

2013. Rated PG, 105 minutes.

Cast:

Neil Patrick Harris

Hank Azaria

Jonathan Winters

Brendan Gleeson

Katy Perry

Christina Ricci

George Lopez

Jayma Mays

Anton Yelchin

J. B. Smoove

Jeff Foxworthy

Paul Ruebens

Shaquille O'Neal

Kenan Thompson

Shaun White

Since the events of the surprisingly decent first movie, Gargamel (Azaria) has remained in our dimension and become a world famous magician thanks to the smurf essence he extracted from Papa Smurf (Winters). Of course, wealth and glory is not enough for him. He wants to rule the world. To do this, he needs an unlimited supply of smurf essence. To that end, he's created Vexy (Ricci) and Hackus (Smoove), the Naughties. They look like smurfs, but lack the magical element to make them blue and thus, true smurfs. If he figures out how to do this he can create that endless supply of essence and world domination will be his. He opens a portal between worlds and sends Vexy to Smurf Village where she kidnaps Smurfette (Perry). Gargamel then tries to force her to tell him the secret formula to turn the Naughties blue.

 As in the original, watching Hank Azaria play Gargamel is a joy. He is so good in the role, it really is like the cartoon character took human form. Unfortunately, his is pretty much a stand-alone performance. The smurfs themselves are rather hit or miss. A few of their jokes are funny, but many are not. A number of the flat ones involve Grouchy Smurf (Lopez) trying on a more optimistic outlook. I get what they're trying to do, but it just doesn't work for me. this is a shame since this character was a high point of the first film. The humans in the cast, aside from Gargamel, are generic. The one possible exception is Victor (Gleeson), step-dad to our hero Patrick (Harris). He's not necessarily a great or original character, but he does bring some life to the screen.

The thing missing most is the magic of our little blue heroes. This is ironic considering the movie repeatedly tells us that their essence is indeed magical. For two movies now, they've been drawn into our world in limited numbers and share the spotlight with humans in the form of Patrick and his family. The greatness of the Saturday morning cartoon that spawned this franchise is that they were in their own world and solely responsible for their own well-being. There were also lots of them for us to get to know. Dropping them into Paris, or New York as in the prior movie, strips them of their autonomy, reducing them to dependents in their own movies. Worse, everything feels bland and rehashed. It's like they've just been slipped into a ready-made plot. The same story, at least their part of it, set entirely in and around Smurf Village and Gargamel's castle could probably have added some oomph to things.

My feelings on the matter aside, all is not lost. I'm willing to admit to being an angry fanboy on this one. I did watch the cartoon every Saturday morning during the mid-80s. This does seem to violated the spirit of the way I remember the show. As a self-contained movie, plenty of it just isn't good for  the reasons I pointed out. Still, kids who only know the first film are likely to enjoy it. It has a good deal of action and the Smurfette storyline works well enough. They may even laugh at more of the jokes than I did. The Smurfs 2 is a solid baby-sitter, not a solid movie.

MY SCORE: 4/10

The Sitter

Directed by David Gordon Green.

2011. Rated R, 87 minutes (unrated version).

Cast:

Jonah Hill

Sam Rockwell

Max Records

Landry Bender

Kevin Hernandez

Ari Graynor

J.B. Smoove

Method Man

Kylie Bunbury

Noah (Hill) is a college dropout who doesn’t have nor want a job. He’s sorta in a relationship with Marisa (Graynor). To say it’s a one-sided affair is far beyond putting it lightly. It consists of her persuading him to perform oral sex on her after which she finds some excuse to rush him out the door. He slinks home to his video games. It should go without saying that he lives with his mom. She’s divorced but going on a double date with a neighborhood couple, the Pedullas, who are setting her up with one of their friends. When the couple’s normal sitter can’t make it, Noah’s mom asks him to step in. He agrees, but only because he wants to see her have a good time. As expected, the three children he is to watch are merely different levels of nightmare. This is only the beginning of his problems. The catalyst for his other issues is a phone call from Marisa during which she promises they really will “go all the way” if he does her a huge favor: go see her dealer, Karl (Rockwell), score some heroin and bring it to the party she’s attending. Since Noah is way past desperate, he agrees. No, things don’t go smoothly at all. Hijinks and shenanigans involving children and drug pushers ensue.

The Sitter simply wants to be a raunchy comedy featuring Jonah Hill as a slightly older version of characters he’s played in the past. This would be fine if it weren’t all so utterly unfunny, predictable, and arguably offensive in its depiction of minorities. Most of the jokes are both unoriginal and telegraphed from a mile away. Likewise for any and all plot twists. Yes, you will know in advance when he (or one of the other kids in one case) will teach the children valuable life lessons and exactly what they will be. Unsurprisingly, all of the various storylines are tidied up in an overly simple manner.

Within the plot and jokes we already know are a gathering of stereotypes. Noah’s mom and the parents of the kids he’s sitting are cardboard cutouts of the parents from every other similarly themed movie. Marisa is the hot, but not so good for you girl. There’s also Roxanne (Bunbury), the friendly girly who’s been there all along. Rodrigo (Hernandez), the Hispanic kid the Pedullas adopted is a heavy accented pyromaniac. Our hero inevitably winds up in a bar where all the patrons are black thugs. Finally, there’s Karl, the super macho but possibly homosexual drug dealer played by Sam Rockwell. His lair looks like a gay porn set for those with a muscle fetish. Incidentally, the way this character is portrayed clashes pretty badly with one of those life lessons.

Thankfully, The Sitter clocks in under 90 minutes. It still manages to drag since it’s so predictable and just labors through cliché after cliché and bad joke after bad joke, never doing its own thing. The very few laughs to be had are spread pretty far apart. They drown in an ocean of uninspired writing that sends waves of flat punch lines crashing into us.

MY SCORE: 3/10

Hall Pass

Hurricane Season

Directed by Tim Story
2009. Rated PG-13, 102 minutes.
Cast:
Forest Whitaker
Taraji P. Henson
Robbie Jones
Isaiah Washington
Courtney B. Vance
Bonnie Hunt
J. B. Smoove
Shad Moss
Bow Wow
Lil’ Wayne

In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, high school basketball coach Al Collins (Whitaker) forges ahead through basketball season with a makeshift team.

It’s a movie that’s hard not to like based on the subject matter, alone. Wisely enough, though there is plenty of actual footage of the wreckage Katrina left behind, they aren’t lingering and constant to the point that the manipulation becomes unbearable. It’s there, Coach Collins is trying to deal with it and move on.

HS is also a hard movie to love. For starters, it’s too short. It only skims the surface of most of the situations it reveals, never letting them play out satisfactorily. What we get are a lot of different things touched on but underdeveloped. In the end, most things are resolved because, well, mostly just because. The logistics of the season are reduced to very minor obstacles. For instance, when we see the team’s home gym in the days immediately after the storm, it’s barely standing. The floor is completely destroyed, the baskets are leaning and seem to be hanging on for dear life and the bleachers are unfit for even one behind, let alone the hundreds they were originally intended to hold. We see the coach and the custodian/bus driver scraping up the carnage with shovels. They are joined by a couple players. That’s all until we next see the gym which has been fully restored to pristine conditions and is ready for action. This epitomizes the movie as a whole. It’s full of the magical fixes the real victims of Katrina were looking for.

One storyline that is nicely fleshed out is that of would-be star player Brian (Jones). Given that this particular storyline doesn’t get started until well into the movie it becomes an unexpected but welcome centerpiece. Its father-son angle is well-worn but also well done.

Katrina left filmmakers with another backdrop for compelling drama. The potential for greatness is indeed there for HS. It pretends to reach for it but never really does. It’s a nice, harmless feel-good flick that only hints at real issues, then skirts them. It is definitely enjoyable but not quite satisfying.

The Opposite View: Brian Orndorf, DVD Talk

What the Internet Says: 6.1/10 on imdb.com (8/9/10), N/A on rottentomatoes.com, N/A on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 6/10